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Expect the Unexpected- Chapter Two



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Thu Oct 25, 2007 5:14 pm
Chaotic Romance says...



Here's Chapter Two, Enjoy:

Elizabeth swung her locker door open. She was deftly aware of her friend babbling on next to her. She just wasn’t sure what she happened to be talking about that’s all… Elizabeth and Katie were good friends, but sometimes she had a hard time even understanding the girl for she talked incredibly fast. Katie was one of those people whose mind thought things up faster then their mouths could say them. It had gotten to the point that Elizabeth would sometimes, unintentionally, of course, tune her out. But, Katie never seemed to notice that her friend hardly ever listened to her when she talked like this, which was a lot of the time, more so when it was a topic that Katie found interesting and worthy of her time to discuss.

Elizabeth switched her books and notebooks out before slamming the door shut. Sighing, as she heard the word "hot" and "boy" in the same sentence. She rolled her eyes, looks like she was talking about some boy, again. She was what everyone would like to call, 'boy crazy'. Elizabeth shook her head, having no idea how she and Katie could even know each other, seeing how they had hardy anything in common. This whole boy thing was one out of many on the list of their differences. Well, they do say that "opposites attract," and the more she watched Katie babble next to her the more she realized how true that statement really was.

Katie’s voice broke her out of her thoughts, “So what do you think?” she asked, looking at her expectantly.

Elizabeth looked confused, she had no earthly idea of what Katie was even talking about, but before she could open her mouth to give an excuse as to why she couldn't answer, the bell rang, giving her a perfect excuse to leave and avoid the question altogether. She sighed with relief. “I gotta go Katie” she said trying to sneak past the girl.

“Oh no you don’t. Not so fast.” Katie stopped her by grabbing hold of her arm and dragging her so that she was standing in front of her once more.

Elizabeth looked at her and sighed, “Katie… I got five minutes to get halfway across the building. And with the halls this crowded, it’s going to take twice as long.”

Katie looked at her, somewhat defeated. She huffed, “Fine. But we’re not done yet, I will get an answer from you…” was the last thing her friend said before she turned around and walked in the opposite direction, heading towards her own first period class.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes at the retreating figure of her friend and once she was sure that she could not longer see the bobbing brunette, she whirled around to head in the opposite direction and that was when she ran smack into a chest that had not been there a second ago.

She almost lost her balance, but a pair of very strong and somewhat pale arms caught her and steadied her before she could topple to the floor, books and all. Though, some of her papers, including her schedule fluttered to the floor, and she hastily bent to pick her few fallen belongings up. And was surprised to see another hand helping her. She glanced up to thank the person and she nearly fell over due to shock.

Her eyes met blue ones. It was the same boy that she had seen this morning… she hadn’t thought that he was a student, since he had gone in the opposite direction of the school. She was speechless for a second. The boy smiled at her reaction and said, “You know, where I come from, we usually say ‘hi’ as a greeting.” This knocked her out of her trance and into reality. She shut her mouth instantly and she didn’t need a mirror to know that she was blushing. Her face was heating up and very fast.

She glanced down again, unable to look into his eyes anymore. But she found that his hand happened to be resting on top of hers. She glanced back up at him, “Sorry,” she said. “You just startled me, that’s all.”

“So it would seem.” He said, he continued smiling at her, it was almost a predatory smile and it creeped her out. She shook off the odd feelings that she was getting from him and looked down at his hand again and discovered that his skin was very pale compared to hers.

“Well, um… I really should be going.” she muttered, right as the warning bell rang. “Shit.” she muttered, grabbing and almost ripping her schedule in her haste to get up and get to class. She had never been late to class and she was not about to be now.

David was surprised for only a second at her sudden haste to get away from him. And mentally cursed that dratted bell, he had almost gotten her to where he could actually gain an advantage on her. He watched as she said a quick good bye and rushed past him, clearly intent on not being late or getting away from him, he couldn’t tell which. But he hoped that it wasn’t the latter. That would not be a very good way to start off this new assignment. He was trying to get her to trust him, not try to scare her off.

He smirked. She couldn't get away from him that easily. Especially when he had made sure that they had almost all of their classes together. He expected that she would not like the idea very much and that just made it even better.
___________________________________________________________________

Elizabeth let out a sigh of relief as she nearly collapsed into her seat, just as the bell rang signally the start of first period. She had made it, but barely. Thanks to that guy, whatever his name was. She was already not liking him that much; he had almost made her late.

Mr. Comston, her U.S. History teacher stood up from where he had been sitting behind his desk grading papers. “Hello, everyone. I’m assuming that everyone had a nice weekend?” he asked, smiling. He was the only one that seemed to be remotely awake for the only answer he got was a mumble of consent from the students before him.

“Great!” he smiled completely oblivious to the fact that no one had actually answered the question. Though, that was normal on a Monday morning… "Now, if everyone would please pass up-” he was interrupted by the sound of the door opening rather loudly then what was really necessary. Everyone jerked their heads in the direction. And the many girls in the rooms jaws dropped while the boys' simply scowled at the person who had just stepped into the room. And Elizabeth tried not gasp too loud in her shock at the boy who stood in the doorway.

“Um… may I help you?” Mr. Comston ask uncertainly to the strange boy, who stood completely still in the doorway of the classroom.

“Is this Mr. Comston’s U.S. History class?” he asked, ignoring the question the older man had asked.

“Why yes….” Mr. Comston said.

“I’m new here; sorry I got lost on the way.” David said, though he hadn't gotten lost he had just taken his time in getting there.

Mr. Comston, nodded and glanced at his roll sheet, which was on the desk in front of him. "You must be David, right?”

“Yes, that’s me.” David smiled, a smile that did not reach his eyes. But that didn’t stop all the girls in the class from sighing in a very loving, rather sick way. Elizabeth scrunched her nose up in disgust.

“Well David, welcome to Green Oaks High School.” he said, smiling at the boy, “Care to introduce yourself to the rest of the class?” he asked.

David, for the first time glanced away from where he had previously been looking, which happened to be somewhere out the window, to the class that was before him. But he didn’t even acknowledge the female populations gazes, his eyes went straight to Elizabeth’s. “I’m David. I just moved here from San Diego, California.” And that is all any of you need to know about me he quietly added.

After a few moments of silence, Mr. Comston realized that that was all that David was willing to share and he cleared his throat rather nervously before breaking the silence completely by saying, “Well, David… um why don’t you have a seat behind Ms.-” Elizabeth rolled her eyes as the entire female population tensed, hoping that he would pick them, it was incredible stupid because the classroom was pretty full and there was only room behind all the guys and, she glanced behind her and groaned. She was the only female with an empty seat behind her so she didn’t need to hear the words to know what he was going to say, “Fitzgerald. Elizabeth, would you please raise your hand so that Mr. David here can see you?”

Elizabeth groaned again and very reluctantly did as she was asked, and David made his way over to where she happened to be sitting, their eyes never left each others. And Elizabeth could just feel the death glares that the other girls were shooting her because she was the “lucky” one to be so close to him. Humph, lucky, she’d liked to think she was cursed. As if she would want to date someone with such a creepy demeanor.

She didn’t easily fall for the cute boys, especially cute boys that creeped her out before she was even properly introduced to them. Now those are the ones to stay away from. This boy had “bad” written all over him and she was not about to get caught in his web.

She could feel the hairs on her neck prick up as he sat down behind her, after finally breaking eye contact with her. She held down a shudder and tried to ignore his presence. But the fact that he kept talking to her while Mr. Comston lectured made it increasingly difficult. And the fact that he spoke so quietly to her that only she could hear made it even worse.

“You look a lot like a girl at my old school… she was totally in love with me.” he said in a very conceited, egotistical way that made her roll her eyes. “And her name was Elizabeth too, how big of a coincidence is that, hmm?” he asked, muttering softly in her ear, his breath tickling the back of her neck. She held back a shudder and did her best to ignore him.

Several minutes past of this before she finally couldn't take it anymore, he just wouldn’t be quiet so she finally raised her hand, “Telling on me, are you? Isn’t that a little immature?” he sounded amused.

She scoffed, “As if. I’m a little too old for that.” she muttered darkly, not looking at him.

“Yes, Elizabeth?” Mr. Comston asked, sounding surprised. She was never one to raise her hand in class.

“May I go to the bathroom please?” she asked.

“Well, yes. Just bring me your agenda and I’ll sign it for you.” he said and she got up, trying not to act like she was in too big of a hurry to get out of there. “Just hurry back.” he said as an afterthought before she left the room. She was clearly intent on spending a few minutes away from that boy.

She made her way into the girl’s bathroom down the hall, and she was happy to know that she was by herself. This allowed her to stand in front of the mirror and look at her appearance, she was of normal looks, she didn’t know what that David guy found so attractive in her.

Her dirty blonde hair was straight down her back with little to no fluff to it. Very boring. And her eyes were even more boring, if that is at all even possible. They were a very dull shade of green, not even vivid. Just plain green. Her skin was pretty pale, not so pale to look sickly, but it was pretty close to that. And no matter how much sun she got it never seemed to change.

She was an overall boring, normal girl that no guy had ever really found attractive. Except for one. “Don’t think about him” she muttered softly to herself. Every time she did, it just brought tears to her eyes.

She grabbed some paper towels from the dispenser and dabbed at her eyes where the tears were starting to fall anyway. “Don’t cry.” she muttered softly. “It’ll ruin the whole day, or the rest of the day, since he’s already ruined some part of it. Creep." she shuddered.

After a few more moments, she was able to stop her tears and after washing her hands, she left the bathroom and headed back towards class.
Last edited by Chaotic Romance on Sat Oct 27, 2007 2:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Thu Oct 25, 2007 6:03 pm
Sean Pendr says...



very well written but you kind of jump a little too far into the plot too sudenly. find a more flowing trasitions or star4t it from the get go. like have him introduced then have her run into him in the hall way and have katie talk to elizibeth about him. just some f\reccomendatioins to go along with the general editing. i assume why he is so determined to get her to like him will be revealed more in the later story. but for now add a hook on the end for more theatrical effect. that always makes things interesting.
I do not want the first pithy lines that pop into your head. I'm not interested in that. I want plot, real characters, sharp dialogue. Plan, dream, live your story, then write it. Novel writing is not for the impulsive. ~Kitty15
  





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Thu Oct 25, 2007 6:35 pm
sokool15 says...



Very good, VERY much better than the last chapter! Getting started is always the hardest part. A nice job getting Elizabeth's creepy feelings without making us think that she's an overreacting wussy. (pardon my french)

A few things, though...

She was deftly aware of her friend babbling on next to her. She just wasn’t sure what she happened to be talking about that’s all…


Deft = skillfull, quick, easy, for instance, "hands that deftly weaved teh thread in and out, in and out like a welloiled machine." Somehow I don't think 'deftly' is the right word, because it's hard to deftly listen to something. Perhaps you confused it with the world 'deaf?'

Katie seems a little violent for the circumstances...jeez. That would scare me!
Here's Chapter Two, Enjoy:

Elizabeth swung her locker door open. She was deftly aware of her friend babbling on next to her. She just wasn’t sure what she happened to be talking about that’s all… Elizabeth and Katie were good friends, but sometimes she had a hard time even understanding the girl for she talked incredibly fast. Katie was one of those people whose mind thought things up faster then their mouths could say them. It had gotten to the point that Elizabeth would sometimes, unintentionally, of course, tune her out. But, Katie never seemed to notice that her friend hardly ever listened to her when she talked like this, which was a lot of the time, more so when it was a topic that Katie found interesting and worthy of her time to discuss.

Elizabeth switched her books and notebooks out before slamming the door shut. Sighing, as she heard the word "hot" and "boy" in the same sentence. She rolled her eyes, looks like she was talking about some boy, again. She was what everyone would like to call, 'boy crazy'. Elizabeth shook her head, having no idea how she and Katie could even know each other, seeing how they had hardy anything in common. This whole boy thing was one out of many on the list of their differences. Well, they do say that "opposites attract," and the more she watched Katie babble next to her the more she realized how true that statement really was.

Katie’s voice broke her out of her thoughts, “So what do you think?” she asked, looking at her expectantly.

Elizabeth looked confused, she had no earthly idea of what Katie was even talking about, but before she could open her mouth to give an excuse as to why she couldn't answer, the bell rang, giving her a perfect excuse to leave and avoid the question altogether. She sighed with relief. “I gotta go Katie” she said trying to sneak past the girl.

“Oh no you don’t. Not so fast.” Katie stopped her by grabbing hold of her arm and dragging her so that she was standing in front of her once more.

Elizabeth looked at her and sighed, “Katie… I got five minutes to get halfway across the building. And with the halls this crowded, it’s going to take twice as long.”

Katie looked at her, somewhat defeated. She huffed, “Fine. But we’re not done yet, I will get an answer from you…” was the last thing her friend said before she turned around and walked in the opposite direction, heading towards her own first period class.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes at the retreating figure of her friend and once she was sure that she could not longer see the bobbing brunette, she whirled around to head in the opposite direction and that was when she ran smack into a chest that had not been there a second ago.

She almost lost her balance, but a pair of very strong and somewhat pale arms caught her and steadied her before she could topple to the floor, books and all. Though, some of her papers, including her schedule fluttered to the floor, and she hastily bent to pick her few fallen belongings up. And was surprised to see another hand helping her. She glanced up to thank the person and she nearly fell over due to shock.

Her eyes met blue ones. It was the same boy that she had seen this morning… she hadn’t thought that he was a student, since he had gone in the opposite direction of the school. She was speechless for a second. The boy smiled at her reaction and said, “You know, where I come from, we usually say ‘hi’ as a greeting.” This knocked her out of her trance and into reality. She shut her mouth instantly and she didn’t need a mirror to know that she was blushing. Her face was heating up and very fast.

She glanced down again, unable to look into his eyes anymore. But she found that his hand happened to be resting on top of hers. She glanced back up at him, “Sorry,” she said. “You just startled me, that’s all.”

“So it would seem.” He said, he continued smiling at her, it was almost a predatory smile and it creeped her out. She shook off the odd feelings that she was getting from him and looked down at his hand again and discovered that his skin was very pale compared to hers.

“Well, um… I really should be going.” She muttered, right as the warning bell rang. “Shit.” She muttered, grabbing and almost ripping her schedule in her haste to get up and get to class. She had never been late to class and she was not about to be now.

David was surprised for only a second at her sudden haste to get away from him. And mentally cursed that dratted bell, he had almost gotten her to where he could actually gain an advantage on her. He watched as she said a quick good bye and rushed past him, clearly intent on not being late or getting away from him, he couldn’t tell which. But he hoped that it wasn’t the latter. That would not be a very good way to start off this new assignment. He was trying to get her to trust him, not try to scare her off.

He smirked. She couldn't get away from him that easily. Especially when he had made sure that they had almost all of their classes together. He expected that she would not like the idea very much and that just made it even better.
___________________________________________________________________

Elizabeth let out a sigh of relief as she nearly collapsed into her seat, just as the bell rang signally the start of first period. She had made it, but barely. Thanks to that guy, whatever his name was. She was already not liking him that much; he had almost made her late.

Mr. Comston, her U.S. History teacher stood up from where he had been sitting behind his desk grading papers. “Hello, everyone. I’m assuming that everyone had a nice weekend?” he asked, smiling. He was the only one that seemed to be remotely awake for the only answer he got was a mumble of consent from the students before him.

“Great!” he smiled completely oblivious to the fact that no one had actually answered the question. Though, that was normal on a Monday morning… "Now, if everyone would please pass up-” he was interrupted by the sound of the door opening rather loudly then what was really necessary. Everyone jerked their heads in the direction. And the many girls in the rooms jaws dropped while the boys' simply scowled at the person who had just stepped into the room. And Elizabeth tried not gasp too loud in her shock at the boy who stood in the doorway.

“Um… may I help you?” Mr. Comston ask uncertainly to the strange boy, who stood completely still in the doorway of the classroom.

“Is this Mr. Comston’s U.S. History class?” he asked, ignoring the question the older man had asked.

“Why yes….” Mr. Comston said.

“I’m new here; sorry I got lost on the way.” David said, though he hadn't gotten lost he had just taken his time in getting there.

Mr. Comston, nodded and glanced at his roll sheet, which was on the desk in front of him. "You must be David, right?”

“Yes, that’s me.” David smiled, a smile that did not reach his eyes. But that didn’t stop all the girls in the class from sighing in a very loving, rather sick way. Elizabeth scrunched her nose up in disgust.

“Well David, welcome to Green Oaks High School.” He said, smiling at the boy, “Care to introduce yourself to the rest of the class?” he asked.


lower case 'H' in "he said" after the first dialogue.

Okay, much better. Good job! Please continue posting...I still suggest reading your chapters out loud to yourself, because sometimes your punctuation is a little awkward and reads choppy. All it needs is an extra comma here and there, but you can probably do that yourself.

All right? All right. Cheerio!

~Mademoiselle Kool
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
  





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Thu Oct 25, 2007 9:32 pm
Kim says...



i enjoyed reading this chapter, i like the communication you use between the girls. i think you got critiqued enough, so i just read for enjoyment.

i look forward to your next chapter. it gets easier as you go along. also if you follow the critiqing you learn and automatically start to use it in your writing.

great job, keep writing

kim
  





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Tue Oct 30, 2007 3:00 am
BigBadBear says...



Ok, I haven't read it all but if I don't say it now, I'm not gonna remember:

You kind of babble on in the first paragraph. Not to be rude or anything, but it was really kind of boring. You don't need to go that much into not listening to Katie talk.

and the more she watched Katie babble next to her the more she realized how true that statement really was.


It should read like this: "and tghe more she watched Katie babble next to her, the more she realized how true that staement really was."

“So what do you think?” she asked


It should have a comma after So.

Your diologe is very realistic. Good job! I can barely do that!

Her eyes met blue ones.


Hm.. I know what you are trying to get across here, but I don't like it. Try to reword it.

Haha! I like the boy's way of introducing.. saying hi as introducing.. LOL!

Her face was heating up and very fast.


Take out and and put a comma after up.

to get away from him. And mentally cursed that dratted bell, he had almost gotten her to where


Combine the first and second sentence. Uncombine the second and third.

Mr. Comston, her U.S. History teacher stood


In my school, US History is taught in 8th grade. I don't know about yours but she is sixteen. I don't know if that is still taught!

though he hadn't gotten lost he had just taken his time in getting there.


I don't think this needs to be here. You should make the reader infer that he took his time. After all, he doesn't want to be here, and he couldn't have gotten lost. He's a vampire!

And that is all any of you need to know about me he quietly added.


Do you mean that he thought that or he actually said it? If he thought it, then say he though, and not quietly added.

Why is Elizabeth so reluctant to sit next to David? I mean, almost being late for class, you shouldn't have a grudge on someone.

Again, you have made your story pure brilliance. I love it! I just do. I love your ideas and you characters. I can't wait to read the next one.

Off to chapter 3!

BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  








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