Young Writers Society

Chapter 2 -Part One

My heart had the most annoying habit of beating really hard when I was nervous. Sometimes, times like these, it was hard to breathe. Band was sixth period, the last class of the day. Then I would have to tell everybody that I wouldn’t be coming back. Not for fall season, not for winter drumline. Not forever.

Melodramatic thinking, I know. But loosing a band is like
loosing a huge family. You sweat, you bleed, you work with these people.
You compete, you loose, you win, you even cry with these people. Joining
band is more than just making heart-moving music with a hundred or so
people, it’s getting a family.

Band geek is the most common lie you can hear. Sure, we may
live for band, and it may seem like the gayest thing to people on the
outside, but to those involved band is life.

So, it should be easy to see why losing something like that
would suck. Some of these people I’ve been with from the start. How can I
be expected to give up my life for my fathers mistake? That day, I hated
him.

The bell rang, tolling the end of fifth period. I shoved things
mindlessly into my bag and hurried out the door. Student traffic stopped
me dead in my tracks. It was like the world was just slowing down,
prolonging the event. I took a deep breath and went with it, after all, soon
I would leave these halls forever. And I wasn’t even a senior. Leaving
wouldn’t be my reward, it would be my punishment.

I finally got to the band room. Already students were clustering
together, sitting on the floor in circles hanging out, or watching Jerry
Springer. The end of the year was always just a bunch of mindless free
time. No competitions, no performances. No music.

Most of the drumline was sitting near the back of the room, old
habits die hard. There was a saxophone player, and a trumpeter among
the ranks. They were sitting in a circle, dealing out a game of Uno.

“Deal you in, Cose?” James asked. He was next year’s center
snare player and one of nicest guys I would ever meet. He was the only guy
I knew who would take the time to ask if you were okay, and actually care
that is.

“Next game maybe,” I said.

“Yeah, sure.” He scooped up an extra pile that had probably
already been for me. I smiled at the gesture.

Derik, the band director opened the door to his office, cue that
it was okay to go in. I took a much needed deep breath and went to talk to
him.

Hey there, JC!

I'm glad I got around to reading this. I still love the voice, and your story is developing nicely. Truly wonderful. Only a few things...

Melodramatic thinking, I know. But loosing a band is like
loosing a huge family. You sweat, you bleed, you work with these people.
You compete, you loose, you win, you even cry with these people. Joining
band is more than just making heart-moving music with a hundred or so
people, it’s getting a family.

First, both mentions of loose should be lose. Second, run-on sentences. I know that run-ons might be your character's voice and I am a defender of the creative license, but I just want to remind you that commas without conjunctions do not legally separate complete sentences. I think semi-colons would be better in place of the commas anyway.

“Deal you in, Cose?” James asked. He was next year’s center
snare player and one of nicest guys I would ever meet. He was the only guy
I knew who would take the time to ask if you were okay, and actually care
that is.

Hm, I really think you can get rid of 'that is'. It just clutters the sentence. Some good statements here, and you're doing a good job of involving Cosette's emotions in her voice, but I would really like to see more of her body language, her reactions to things in order to support and enhance her emotive voice.

A great piece, JC! I can't wait to read more. Think about the run-on sentences and play with body language and reactions when editing this. Nicely done and keep writing. PM me if you have any questions.

[quote]outside, but to those involved band is life.[quote] Unfinished thought.


Whoever your character is, I sympathize with them, I am in band myself and it would kill me to have to drop out. But I wouldn't mind losing a few kids in my band class though.

My questions were probably explained in the first chapter so I'll look that up some other time.

*pins a badge on Jc's chest.* random badge.

Good. I hope you put up another piece soon.

This is very good like the rest of your story, but it kind of seemed to slow down a little. You might lose the readers attention during this section. I understand that you do need to explain how hard it is to leave, but I think that this was a little too much. Don't get me wrong, your story is very good, but I think you kind of need to speed things up a little. We know she's moving, and now you've kind of dropped of, like your story came to a dead end.
I know how hard it is to write these kinds of scenes, but my opinion is to try and go ahead and get her moved if that is where the main part of your story is going to take place. Keep it up, you're doing great!

Good! WD said the main stuff, so yeah, this was verra good!