Young Writers Society

It was a morning as silent and frost bound as a winter grave. Not one single creature walked among the icy fields of the country side, neither did the birds give voice to their customary morning praise. Even the most disciplined of men still lay in their beds, hesitant to expose their toes to the bitter cold.
Ariel was not a beast of the field, neither was she a bird, or a man snuggled safely in his warm bed. She was a young woman, sitting before her open window, awake and aware. She leaned out over the courtyard below her, letting the rising sun catch her in it's soft glow. A crisp breath of air touched her fine boned cheeks causing them to blush as though she had been kissed by a lover and a confident smile rose upon her fine blood red lips.It was no exaggeration to say that she loved this time of day, when life was under winter's spell and all that she saw was her's and her's alone, even if just for a moment.
A movement from a shadowed corner of the room erased the smile from her lips. A cold habitual sneer took it's place as a cautious form came into view.
“What do you want?“ she asked in a sharp voice, startling the house servant who had just wondered into her room.
“My lady!” Exclaimed the young women “…I was just wondering where this cold draft was coming from, I had not realized you were yet awake.”
Ariel scrutinized the young servant woman, recognizing her as one of the new ones her step-father had hired. She was a petite creature, with doe like eyes and thick rose bud lips. "Just his type," she thought with disgust, scowling at her as though she were a distasteful flavor or a mangy dog.
“Whether or not I was asleep is not the question. Since when were you given permission to enter my room?”
“My dear lady, I apologize but I thought only to slip in here and close the window without disturbing your sleep…I had not meant to intrude…I…I only-.” The young woman faltered, frightened by the throwing knife Ariel had pulled from her waist pouch.
“I did not ask for you drivel. I asked you whether or not you had permission to enter my room?”
“No my lady! I’m sorry I-!” The knife left Ariel's hand and vibrated in the stone, just inches from the servant's left foot.
“Drat! I missed!” Ariel hissed, her eyes alight in amusement at the horror on her subordinate's face. “Bring that knife back to me!”
“Excuse me?!”
Ariel’s sneer deepened, “Either you bring me back my knife or get out of my room!”
“Y-Yes my Lady!” Stuttered the the terrified young woman as she turned and fled the bedroom, completely frazzled by her new mistress's violent behavior.
"You know that's not the purpose I intended for that knife when I gave it to you." Said a casual male voice.
It was Ariel's turn to be startled, the sadistic sneer on her face vanishing as she whirled around to face her window, now half filled with the head and shoulders of a roughly dressed young man...



It's a little better...maybe not as exciting, But better...right?

Hello, welcome to the site!
Alright, as for placing, I don't think it matters too much where you put it and Action/adventure seems to fit it particularly well so far. If you're planning on making the story longer, however, you might consider putting it in Novels (to do this all you have to do is look for people whose names are green and ask them to move your story).
So, on to reviewing the actual story. First paragraph you say she's a beautiful young woman. How so? What about her is particularly striking? You say she's lithe, but that's not much to go on. i personally don't often remember descriptions well, but I generally like the voice to flow better and including unobtrusive clues as to what she looks like would be good.
I think your fight scene isn't too bad. It's suspenseful, and quite disappointing when she gets taken down.
Who the heck is Sam? We get about ten seconds to get to know this guy and I'm left wondering why he's there at all. Part of the problem here is that he's introduced in the middle of a fight scene and the action is already moving at a great clip. Plus, directly after that, she gets knocked out and thrown in a cage.
So really, you need to write some more of this girl's story. I don't care if it's drivel (actually I do), it's just that there's so many questions and right now it is basically very slapdash.
Oh, and a few words like medieval (I didn't know how to spell it for the longest time, so I can relate) should be one word. Threshold, outburst, things like that.
Overall, I liked it. You made me sympathetic to the character (if a tad shocked at her outrageously violent behavior) and I now want to know what happens next. It has its issues, but with work those can be ironed out.
Keep with it.

THanks for the advise XD . After I posted this I actually kept going back and trying to fix the many errors but they just seem to keep appearing. I really thought this was a good story until I actually posted it *shrugs*. I did intend to give a better description of her and her past and Sam all together but once I got to the action scene I just got kinda swept away. Sorry...

I will definitely be getting in contact with a moderator to have this moved to the novels section...and I will also probably go edit in the missing details XD Thanks again, -Justlittleoleme

Hey there! Welcome to the site! I'm Dover and I'll be reviewing your work today. But before I get to that a rule of thumb when it comes to figuring out if something is historical fiction or not. Historical fiction is defined by fictional characters or events occurring during a (usually major) historical event or period, usually with important people from those events. The Civil War, American Revolution, and Napoleonic Wars are common settings. Stories set in ancient cultures like Egypt or Rome that draw upon actual historical information can also count. A setting that draws ideas from these events or settings and puts them in a different world are not historical fiction. Hope that helps!

The first thing that stands out to me is your description, especially in the first paragraph. You sentences are long and jump from one topic to the next so it's a little uncomfortable to read. I'll give you an example from the very first sentence.

Early morning light played across the pale arm of a fair young woman who stared wistfully out at the world from her perch in the window seat of a cold and ancient castle library.

Let's count how many topics are in this one sentence alone. You have the morning light, the arm of the woman, the world, her window, and the castle library. That's five topics covered in only 34 words. Not much room, is there? Also try reading this out loud. Doesn't it sound awkward? It's like there's no time to breathe.

It's good that you're trying to flow from one topic to the next instead of just going randomly all over the place. The light leads to her arm, the arm to her eyes, the eyes to the world, and all that leads to where she's sitting. The problem is how fast you do it. Try to spread it out a bit. Break this sentence into smaller, easier to read chunks. A few more things I recommend doing is changing the order of topics, eliminating unneeded topics, and to not focus on sight so much. Perhaps instead of focusing on the light first you could focus on the woman staring out the window at the world instead. Or maybe you could not focus on the light at all and just have her look at the world. Another thing you can do is have her notice how warm the sun feels on her arm. This way you're not only relying on visual descriptions but sensual ones as well.

Another thing I want to say about description is that it shouldn't detract from the main story. The first paragraph, for example, is focused on describing the main character's physical appearance and little else. Combined with the awkward sentences the opening paragraph, to be blunt about it, would turn off most readers. It can be tough to find a good balance between story and description so I'll give you a few tips.

1. Slip in descriptive elements as they become relevant.

This is perhaps the most important thing to know about descriptive writing. Does the reader need to know every single thing about your character right at the beginning all at once? Chances are the answer is no, and if you're writing a novel then there's plenty of time to add details later. But how do you make sure the reader knows what things are like? I'll give an example since it's easier to show than explain.



Bob sighed and brushed his hand through his coarse hair, wondering what he did to deserve this.



See what I did to describe the texture of his hair? I could have made a whole separate sentence or even a paragraph to describe that hair if I wanted to, but I didn't need to since I only mentioned it when the topic of his hair came up. Now I could put almost any adjective to describe his hair from color to temperature, but the reason why I chose texture was because it was appropriate. He's brushing his hand through his hair. Hands are used to feel things. Therefore it makes sense to use an adjective centered on feeling rather than sight or smell. That's not to say you can't use a different adjective, though. It depends on writing style, which you will develop as you write more.

And since I didn't spend more than one word to describe his hair the reader can focus on more important things, such as the plot.

Speaking of spending more than one word to describe something, that leads us to...

2. Avoid stacking adjectives.

There are very few things more distracting than seeing someone use three or more adjectives to describe one object. Adjectives can be powerful words and overusing them will make you look silly, so unless silly is what you're aiming for it's a good idea to use only one adjective per object, two at most. If you can't decide which adjective to use think about what you want to emphasize the most. It also helps to review the context and determine what makes the most sense to emphasize, like what I did with Bob's hair above.

3. Incomprehensible is not admirable.

One thing that I was taught to do when I was little was to use as many different words as I could when writing. It took me a while to kick the habit.

While it may look nice and may make you look smart to some people it's really not a good idea to use obscure words in your description, or anywhere in your writing for that matter. Chances are a lot of people won't know what you're talking about and will have to keep looking things up, which is frustrating, and heaven help you if you used the wrong word. It's best to keep your description as simple as possible not only so a lot of people can understand it but so you don't make a mistake while writing. There is, however, such a thing as too simple, and you need to find a good balance between the most common words and fancier words, just like how to need to balance description and story. As a rule of thumb the more relaxed an in-story situation is the more fancier words you can get away with.

I'm going to stop there since there are a few more things I want to cover and I spent more time on description than I intended.

Let's talk about the characters. Ariel comes off to me like a spoiled brat and it's no wonder her father is less than kind with her. I'd actually support her father if it wasn't for one thing: he's as much of a jerk as she is. If this wasn't your intention then don't panic because this is by no means a bad thing. In fact, this can actually work in your favor if you do it right. Ariel has already been called out on her attitude which is a lot better than people treating her as an angel. This means she has genuine flaws that she can and probably has to change over the course of the story. You could have her father go a similar route, though that depends on what kind of ending you want.

I have less than positive things to say about Sam. While he's the nicest of the entire cast it's kind of obvious that he's intended to be a love interest for Ariel, seeing as he's the only person who's ever listened to her and really cared about her. Now this is a very personal opinion so feel free to disagree with me on this one, but I think it's best to write a story with no romance in mind. If the characters are compatible then the relationship will grow naturally and won't be forced into a reader's face. This also increases the chance of the two characters building their relationship off of actual in-story experiences instead of the plot or author demanding it.

I'm not going to go over grammar since I can be very nitpicky about it, though I will say your sentence structure could use some work. The easiest way to figure out if your sentences need to be rephrased is to read out loud. Does it sound natural? If you're out of breath at the end or something sounds funny then chances are there's something wrong. It also helps to make sure you have no spelling errors. Also, since English can be a very confusing language even for native speakers, do try to remember things such as "someone" being one word and you generally use only one exclamation point or question mark at the end of a sentence and rarely, if ever, use both at the same time.

Also sentences written entirely in capital letters aren't really necessary. If it has an exclamation point at the end your readers will figure out that there's shouting. If you want to emphasize something more than everything else I find that italics come in handy, but, like with adjectives, it's not a good idea to use too many of them.

*looks up* I didn't intend to come off so aloof. Just remember that everything I've said is a suggestion and you don't have to follow everything. This story has a lot of potential to be something good so keep working at it. You're welcome to PM me with any questions or comments.

Hope this helps!

--Dover

Thanks so much for your review! I realize the awkward sentence structure is just the tip of the ice burg with the problems this story has. I'm very embarrassed for ever writing this slush...( don't be surprised if the whole story disappears for a short time) I do intend to make the story work, I'm just somewhat frustrated with it at the moment.

I might as well go ahead and address my character Ariel's bratty attitude. Believe it or not that was on purpose(though sadly not well done). Ariel is actually the villain in one of my past stories. I was writing this to try to bring her character to life for me. I just wasn't feeling her bitterness and icy jealousy like I wanted to. Ariel is supposed to be bratty, imperious, sadistic, etc. and this will become more obvious as the story progresses. Remember, this story is called the "Ice Queen" for a reason.

Sam is a weak and obvious love connection. I realize this and have actually been racking my brains on how to strengthen him...to be truthful I really believe he has some untapped potential. In other words, his weakness as a character is due to my weakness(and laziness) as a writer.

The step father is supposed to be everything he seems though I don't believe I made him quite as disgusting as I meant to.

I don't have anything to say for the rest except that I will try to pull this story together the best I can.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my train wreck of a story and further more for bothering to write a review on it.

In sincere gratitude -Justlittleoleme

Yes, that was much better, in my opinion. You have better pacing here and I actually got to know your character a little better, bravo. You still have kinks to work out, but as I've heard numerous times, you're never gonna be finished with editing.
Oh, by the way, keep up a good attitude. I don't think your first version of this is so much a train wreck as a skeleton. It's an involved outline where you can pick apart which plot bones you want and don't want while you're fleshing it out.

Thanks Charcoalspacewolfman XD I'm glad to here that it was an improvement! My confidence has been successfully restored! To be truthful, I actually enjoyed writing this version. I spent much more time and effort writing it than I did the last one and in effect I am actually a little proud of it.In short, I'm HAPPY XD XD XD

I agree with Wolf. This version is much better, though I still see some room for improvement. But before I get to that let me tell you why I like this version better.

Pacing. I didn't talk about pacing in my last review since I thought description needed more help. I like how it's slower and we have more time to see what kind of character Ariel is before getting into any action. You're also doing a good job of showing us her character rather than telling us what she's like. Even if I forget about your previous version of the story I can still see that Ariel has a bad attitude, something you explained to me was intentional.

Description. There's significant improvement on your description. It's more balanced with the narration and I love how you utilize so many of the five senses to establish the setting. I get a better idea of what the environment is like and enjoy how easily I can visualize things.

Those two things were the biggest problems in the previous version and you've done an excellent job of fixing both. But, like I said, there's still room for improvement. Most of these are grammar related.

I see that you are still prone to confusing words such as wonder/wander. Fortunately this can be easily fixed with a little bit of studying, and to make things easier for you I'm going to link you to one of my favorite sites: Common Errors in English Usage. This site lists hundreds of common mistakes alphabetically and points out why these are mistakes in easy to read language. Just spending a few minutes on this site every once in a while can really help you improve your English. I also recommend that you read out loud every now and then. Sometimes you can spot mistakes that you wouldn't have found otherwise.

You also need a bit of help in formatting your dialogue. Fortunately this is also an easy fix. Just remember that whenever a new character begins to speak you start a new paragraph. Also when you end a quotation you end it with a comma unless said quotation is an exclamation or question. For example:

"Where are you?" Bob asked.
"Right here," said Charlie.
"You scared me!" Bob said.

I also think you would benefit from reviewing the rules on possessive nouns. When you're trying to indicate a noun's possession of something you add an apostrophe and S (e.g., the cat's toy). The only exception is if the noun ends in S, in which case you can add an apostrophe and S or only add an apostrophe (e.g., the walrus's tusks/the walrus' tusks).

The last thing I want to talk about is analogies. Now I don't have a problem with the analogies you used in the story but I just want to mention this for future reference. Like adjectives analogies can be powerful, but using too many will make you silly. Analogies are also tricky in that you have to make sure they don't sound silly. (e.g., the poison was as potent as a golden dart frog) You don't seem to have a problem with them but it's something to keep in mind while you write.

Overall this is a pleasant read and I got to enjoy more of the story instead of worrying about errors. The only things that really concerned me were grammar related, which are probably some of the easiest things to fix when you're writing a story.

Keep up the good work!

--Dover