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2 paragraphs of my novel. Worded properly?



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Mon Apr 12, 2010 4:51 am
Seibhris says...



These are two paragraphs from the middle of my novel taking place during the 100 years war in the middle ages. Is this piece worded properly? What could make it better?

The vessel moved through a light fog, swaying back and forth atop the rolling waves. A white moon hovered overhead in the night sky, casting an eerie glow against the deck. Men worked silently and swiftly across the ship appearing only as shadows in the haze.

Sperling was the only being that stood motionless at the front of the ship. He peered through the thinning mist, hoping for some sign of the English fleet. He half imagined a dark silhouette moving through the fog, and more than once stirred to what seemed to be a lantern’s light in the distance… but nothing truly materialized. These false illusions were mere tricks from his anxious and exhausted mind. They were alone. Alone ever since they were separated from the main fleet, and they would sail into France unaided.
Last edited by Seibhris on Mon Apr 12, 2010 9:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's true character, give him power."

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Mon Apr 12, 2010 5:41 am
Apple says...



2 paragraphs of my novel. Worded properly? Review.

Spoiler! :
The vessel moved through a light fog, swaying back and forth atop the rolling waves. A glistening, white moon hovered overhead in the night sky, casting an eerie glow against the deck. Men worked silently and swiftly across the ship appearing only as shadows in the haze. I think some of these commars could come out...but that is only me being nit picky! :)

Sperling was the only being that stood motionless at the front of the ship. He peered through the thinning mist, hoping for some sign of the English fleet. He half imagined a dark silhouette moving through the fog, and more than once stirred to what seemed to be a lantern’s light in the distance… but nothing truly materialized. These false illusions were mere tricks from his anxious and exhausted mind. They were alone. Alone ever since they were separated from the main fleet, and they would sail into France unaided.
You know, it's often polite to leave atleast one minstake so I can pick you up on it! :lol:


Grammar: Why I ought' a give you some manners for not leaving anything for me to pounce on! Aww it's not fair, your grammar is to prefect! Honestly, I couldn't find any mistake through your work! But nooo, through mine there is a gazillion on the first line!

Character:He's got an awesome name and very well in depth, like he's explainable and you know his personality! (Putting five bucks on curious)

Structure:.............

Overall: It's too good! :) Don't talk to me! *Walks away hissily* The rudeness of some people! Anyway....this is really good, keep writing! PM when you have the next adition up.
I spy!
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 1290
Reviews: 2
Tue Apr 13, 2010 4:42 am
Seibhris says...



Thanks for the help. I will also be posting several paragraphs from a war novel that I stopped writing several weeks ago.
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's true character, give him power."

-Abraham Lincoln
  








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