Young Writers Society

It seems as only moments ago I had laid my head down on my pillow.

says Sarah impatiently, ‘Is is

Harris did have somewhat of a busy schedule

I yawn and arise out of bed when hunger strikes me.

I twirl around; it’s been a while since I’ve worn this dress.

‘That’s alright,’ he says, quite calmly. ‘You’re his daughter?’

‘That’s quite a lovely name.’

He laughs again. ‘Thank you. I’ve been told that—’

‘Bye,’ I say.

‘I don’t know. What about the beach, tomorrow at sunset?’

Elinor Brynn wrote:‘Miss Madeleine? It’s time to wake.’ Waking up isn't really the best way to start anything aside from the day, IMO. It's overdone.
I barely catch the soft voice, but am able to place it as that of Sarah, our housekeeper. Already bored, and it's still so early in the chapter. Eli, start with conflict. Even if it's just something trivial. Why does she want me to get up now? It seems as only moments ago I had laid my head down on my pillow. In addition, today I have no lessons save for violin at four in the afternoon. I roll over so that my back faces her.
I moan. ‘Why now? I'm tired.’ Sounds kind of forced and awkward, but that might be because of the time period it's set in.
‘Miss Madeleine,’ says Sarah impatiently, ‘Is this the way you want to greet your sister after four months of her absence?’
‘Helena’s coming?’ I jolt into a sitting position and stare at Sarah, who is smiling widely. When Helena married Admiral George Harris back in April, she moved with him to his home in Port Royal. Although not far, Harris did have somewhat of a busy schedule, much like Father. Although not far modifies Harris here, so it's strange. Also, this paragraph is kind of flat and stilted. There's no flow. This prevented the pair from visiting us—even though they said they would. The idea of her coming now seems too good to be true. ‘Will her husband be here also? And on what occasion is this?’ Again, dialog is very stilted. Forced. Even for old times.
‘No, it just Helena—she’s going to be with us for a few days. Her husband had to leave on an emergency mission, and he doesn’t know how long he’ll be gone.’
‘When is she coming?’
‘Very soon,’ Sarah replies. ‘Your father just left to collect her. Please get up so you’ll be ready when she arrives.’
I yawn and arise Personally I think rise would do better in this sentence. Doesn't disrupt the flow as much. out of bed when hunger strikes me. ‘Breakfast?’
‘Yes—I almost forgot. I have some glazed buns sitting in the kitchen; let me bring them up. Can you find what you want to wear today? Once I get back up you can eat and then I’ll help you dress.’
I nod and begin rummaging through my wardrobe. Eventually I find my favorite, a simple ice-blue one "One" doesn't have an antecedent. with a pale yellow bodice and pink lace surrounding the sleeves. I take it off its hanger and remember when I first got it; it had been a fifteenth birthday present from Helena. It was so pretty, too—and to wear it now would be the perfect occasion. I hear footsteps, so I set the dress down on the bed.
It’s Sarah, who has the buns. Grabbing one, I notice that they are still warm. It seems rude of her to grab one. She sets them on the table by my bed and eyes the dress that I picked out.
‘This one is lovely,’ she remarks. ‘Didn’t your sister get this for you?’
‘Yes,’ I reply. ‘It was a birthday present.’
Sarah smiles and begins to help me into the dress. Once it is on, she redirects me to the mirror. ‘You look lovely, Miss Madeleine.’ I twirl around; it’s been a while since I’ve worn this dress.
‘Your sister and father will be arriving very soon,’ Sarah says, ‘I’ll go to the stables to groom Kate, alright? Helena will probably want to see her when she arrives.’
Kate was Helena’s horse, whom she had gotten as foal when we had moved here from England three years ago. At Harris’s home, there was no stable, not even You might be missing a word here. to build one, so Kate had to stay here. I had a horse too, Snow. Helena and I used to always go for rides together; talking, laughing, and admiring the wondrous landscape of Jamaica. I still rode him, but just not as much.
‘Can you groom Snow too?’
‘I can do that for you, Miss Madeleine.’ I swear their conversation is so stiff.
‘Thank you.’
She leaves and I grab another bun, heading down to the foyer to wait for Helena and Father. There’s a small couch there which I can lie on.
Although, just as I’m about to sit down, I hear a knock at the door. Could it be them already? I open the door excitedly, but am met by a man with unkempt brown hair who looks to be about my age. Definitely lacks showing.
I wonder who he is and what he could be doing here. Don't tell us that. Show us. Show us her thoughts. ‘May I help you, sir?’
‘Is Admiral Grey home?’ he asks. I notice his thick Irish accent. How does it sound like?
‘Who are you?’
‘I’m Murtagh Simmons, the silversmith. I was just here to deliver an update on the status of the new candleholders that Admiral Grey ordered from me a while ago.’
‘Oh,’ I say. I feel somewhat stupid for not seeing that before. Father has been talking about how much we need new candleholders for a while; our newest ones were purchased eight years ago, when I was nine. ‘Well, I’m sorry, but my father isn’t home right now.’
‘That’s alright,’ he says, quite calmly. ‘You’re his daughter?’
‘Yes, I’m Madeleine.’
‘That’s quite a lovely name.’
‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘Your name is Murtagh? That’s quite an interesting name. I don’t think I’ve heard anything like it.’
He laughs. ‘Yes, it’s Irish.’
‘Were you born in Ireland?’
‘I was. Lived in Belfast until I was fourteen and my family moved out here.’
‘Really? When I moved out from England, I was also fourteen.’ Urgh. Badly disguised infodump. Don't. We don't need to know these. And I think they're breaking social conventions by talking all of a sudden as if they know each other.
He laughs. ‘Neat.’ It is then that I notice the color of his eyes; they’re a glistening bright grey, almost like the silver that he crafts. Odd timing. Makes her seem random and weird.
‘I love the color of your eyes.’ Flirting was a no no back then, especially for girls.
He laughs again. ‘Thank you. I’ve been told that—’
‘They match your profession?’
Murtagh nods and begins to smile widely. After that is silent for a moment.
‘So, what did you want to tell my father? He should be home very soon, so I can relay the message.’
‘Well, certainly,’ Murtagh says. ‘Just tell your father that I had a few other orders I needed to complete. I’ve started work on the candleholders and they should be finished soon, maybe in a week?’
‘That sounds good,’ I say. ‘I’ll be sure to tell him.’
‘Alright,’ he says. ‘Listen, I need to head out.’ This sounds kind of modern, almost.
‘Bye,’ I say.
‘Maybe we can see each other again someday,’ he says.
‘When?’
‘I don’t know. What about the beach, tomorrow at sunset?’ Noes. I'm pretty sure this wasn't conventional back then.
‘That sounds wonderful.’
‘Alright, I’ll see you then.’
He smiles, turns to the door and waves to me. I do the same as I watch him disappear into the crowded Kingston streets. Then I lie down on the couch and wait for Helena and Father to come. Too bland. Far too bland. She's from a higher class. This in itself should make what they're doing pretty risky.