Young Writers Society

Dear Mrs. Myrtle Sonnet,

I hope you are doing well. I've been told that you will have your second baby in a short while. Take care of yourself now.

I would like to first start off by apologizing for not coming down personally to tell you the news. I am sure you are quite aware of the great storm that has struck this part of Ontario, making it hard, if not impossible, to come down without leaving my ill wife for a sustained period of time. I hope you will understand.

I regret to tell you that the news that I have for you is anything but pleasant. A most unfortunate event occurred. While on our way to my house the horses pulling the carriage were spooked, and the carriage tipped over. Fredrick, who was with me, fell off. A doctor was called immediately, but it was too late.

I understand that times are hard, and I will help you and your children out in any way possible. All you need to do is ask me.

I know he cared for you very deeply. He was a fine husband to you, and a good brother to me. I give you my condolences for your great loss.

I think it's intriguing, it has caught my attention and I do want to know more about the situation. I didn't find anything wrong with the prologue either.When you post the first chapter there will probably(I hope) be more to review but until then this was nice and I would like to read on and more about this.

Hello Joyce! I don't think I've ever reviewed a piece of your work before and I'm looking forward to it!

Right, so, I'll first adress your question in the spoiler. Did this hook me? To be truthfully blunt, No. I'm not on the edge of my seat waiting to see what happens next. I'm not intrugied by anything. Why? Well, I'll discuss my reasons in this review as well as give you some suggestions to help you improve.

Ok, so:

Your prose

You have potential in this area.
However, I feel that your sentences were a little too cluttered and cloged with conjuctive words, which made the piece as a whole difficult to get the tongue round. Aside from all that, your prose was a little dull.
I felt no spark, nothing excited me, and you haven't made an impression on me with your 'authors' signiture'. What I mean by that is that is your style of writing isn't orignal or envigorating. It didn't make me feel refreshed or excited.

Your grammar, spelling, and punctuation

I did manage to find quite a few mistakes in this department, mostly to do with your grammar. Here follows a nitpick:

JoyceSparrows wrote:I hope you are doing well. I've been told that you will have your second baby in a short while now. Take care of yourself now

- This is, quite frankly, a dirge. I fumbled my way around this bland and uninteresting opening sentence. The opening of a story or novel is the time to capture your readers' attention, not to lose it! Don't use a word twice - in this case 'now' - in close proximity.

JoyceSparrows wrote:A doctor was ? immediately, but it was too late.

- I think you've missed a word out here. Perhaps Try 'called' or 'fetched' ect.

JoyceSparrows wrote: All you need to do is ask of me

- This is a badly written sentence. Try: 'do not hesitate to ask if you need anything.'

My advice

If you are serious about writing this novel, I'd scrap this prologue and start again. Even if you keep exactly the same letter-format, spice it up a bit. I'd suggest not telling the reader the bad news. Perhaps, if possible, your character could write to the wife, explain that he had bad news, and ask to meet. That way, the reader is left on a little bit of a cliffhanger.

Remember, you don't have to do anything I say or take any of my advice on board. I am only here to provide my opinion, and I'm sorry if it seemed a little harsh. I'm trying to help! If you need anything, want another review, or even want help to structure and write the prologue again, just give me a bell via PM. I hope you found this helpful!

~ Amelia

Dear Mrs. Myrtle Sonnet,

I hope you are doing well. I've been told that you will have your second baby in a short while. Take care of yourself now.A bit vage and not as caring as I think you would want it to sound.

I would like to first start off by apologizing for not coming down personally to tell you the news. I am sure you are quite aware of the great storm that has struck this part of Ontario, making it hard, if not impossible, to come down without leaving my ill wife for a sustained period of time. I hope you will understand.

I regret to tell you that the news that I have for you is anything but pleasant. A most unfortunate event occurred. While on our way to my house the horses pulling the carriage were spooked, and the carriage tipped over. Fredrick, who was with me, fell off. A doctor was called immediately, but it was too late. Is the protagonist explaining a death?

I understand that times are hard, and I will help you and your children out in any way possible. All you need to do is ask me.

I know he cared for you very deeply. He was a fine husband to you, and a good brother to me. I give you my condolences for your great loss.

I like the way you have started it, I can see it as though it were a movie, looking over fields or buidlings, reading this letter, a women crying in the background. Idk, something like that, but I do like it.
This is good, but very vage and hard to fallow. From what I read it seems a women is pregnant, her husband deid and the brother is writing to explain, but I only think thats whats going on. You need to make sure the reader is convinced of these facts. In a letter of this type, I would expect a lot more care in the words as well. Also look up some ways they spoke. I don;t expect you to go all out with, "How far the?" ect. But add a few words they would have spoke, from what I can tell its in our moden time. http://edwardianpromenade.com/resources/a-glossary-of-slang/ Here is a link od Edwardian Era Slang. I hope this helps, if you have any questions about my comments just PM me.

From your Loving,
WelcomingExeption

Hey Joyce, Stella here! So I'm usually against prologues, but a letter? That seems like an interesting idea...

I. NITPICKS

I am sure you are quite aware of the great storm that has struck this part of Ontario, making it hard, if not impossible, to come down without leaving my ill wife for a sustained period of time. I hope you will understand.

But how has the postman got there?

II. DEAR LORD, HER HUSBAND'S DEAD!

This is all very shocking and upsetting and yet I somehow feel like Frederick's brother is being indifferent towards him. It's a very short and unemotional letter.

I feel like if my brother was dead and I was writing to his newly widowed wife and I would have much rather said it all in person, my letter would be a bit more... sad. He's extremely matter-of-fact, and maybe that's the way his character is, but what he's actually saying doesn't suggest that. I understand you don't want to be too gooey. But this just seems too understated, y'know?

III. OVERALL

An intriguing beginning- a question though, two pregnant wives? Is that intentional? I don't mind. But this wasn't bad at all, I just feel like he would be showing more emotion at his brother's death.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x