Young Writers Society

A few things first, the pronunciation of this character's name is this:
"SEE-MOAN-AY" and is the Italian version of Simon, spelled with an extra E at the end. Everyone I know has confused it with the female name Simone, so please don't do the same. It is set in the Renaissance, as you already know. Have fun, and avoid the Bands of Hope! (you'll know later what that means!)


Entry 1


The first glimpse we got of Florence was the wall in the evening. It was at least 5 miles long, 40 ft. high, with at least 70 guard towers, maybe three more. Because we arrived in the evening, we had to stay outside the city walls until the curfew ended.
"Yep, them poor [i]perduti left out on the streets are sent to a jail cell and have to pay a fine!" the bartender said, smacking the table in a fit of passion. "Me old son Tommaso--"
This was when we all made our way up to bed, when his wife came in to scold him. In the early morning we joined the farmers and their donkeys, the first to enter the city. One of our companions lost a few coins to one of the pick pockets who took advantage of the chaos. Of all the cities I've been to, Florence is different. For one thing, its Clean! Of course, animal traffic had its visible marks on the city streets, but besides that, it's all very clean. If one of the houses does not keep up on their side of the city officials will fine them. Mama is nervous about this. She's worried we'll be fined for being unable to clean our side of the street.
Papa went off to talk to a fancy aristocrat in his fancy villa on one of the hills around the city. Our relative's house was packed with family members, so we moved to the city outskirts to an inn. We got the worst rooms that night. They were on ground floor, with no furniture but the large straw mattress on the floor.
The next day we moved into another inn, closer to the city center. The windows were large, the rooms were heated, and the beds were stuffed with featherdown. There was even food, though it was uncooked, things like cheese and bread with some milk. A family member came to visit, Marco Rodrigo Tommaso, and he chatted idly with us for a long while. He taught us all about the 4 different quarters of Florence, Santo Spirito, Santa Croce, Santa Maria Novella, San Gianni. He also mentioned some of the sub-divisions of the 4 quarters. They were things like Red Lion, Dragone, the rest I forget.
This afternoon Papa let us loose. My cousins and I raced around the streets, stealing food from the small trattorias (cafe stands) and chasing the farmer's chickens. After being scolded horribly by one of the farmers, I scurried off to the inn, for it was getting dark.
The next afternoon we had a business lunch with a colleague of Papa's, who had an apartment on sale. The food was basic, but the portions were HUGE! My little brother Alberto ate too much and spent the rest of the night in the entryway with Mama and Papa, vomiting into a small bucket provided by the maid.
The next night we went to another restaurant with a very, very rich friend, one who owns a large villa. The food here was spiced and cooked, and, because it was Sunday, they had huge portions of beef, goat, pork, which melted in our mouths and made Alberto drool. The guest, a very dull meat merchant, told us all about the animals entering the city. 30,000 pigs each year, 70,000 goats, 20,000 sheep and 40,000 calves and oxen. The only thing which did interest me was that on special holidays, they bring to the city foods from faraway places like the Middle East and Russia!
Papa wants me to become an apprentice. I plan on checking out the many clustered rooftops. They'll never get me alive.

First of all, welcome to YWS! If you have any questions about the site or need help finding something feel free to pm me.

To let you know, YWS does have a policy of 2:1 critique-to-post ratio. That means that for everyone one story or poem you post, you should critique two other people for it. We suggest you critique before you post, because when you join the site right away and post a story, it doesn't look very good. But it's okay, you're new. A lot of people seem not to notice the rules. Also, consider spacing out your story, with gaps in between each of your paragraphs. (It seems you didn't read the "Before you post" message! heh.) And why don't you introduce yourself in the welcome thread?


As to the story, I like that you're trying to write historical fiction, and in the Renaissance no less, but this needs some work. Your story is all telling, and no showing. If you pick up one of your favorite stories, you'll see that they show what happens. I'm not sure if that makes any sense? But your story is just narration, there is no action, or dialogue, or a whole lot of anything. Telling is really boring, and it's not that your story is boring, it is that telling is boring. You also have no conflict in your story. Stories need conflict, they can't go on without it. Your reader also needs to be interested in the main character. Beginnings are hard because there are so many things you have to achieve quickly. Here, I don't have any idea what conflict might be in your story. Things just happen. Plane, general, boring things too--not even exciting things. I have no idea who your character is, or what he is like. I don't know his background or anything, and as a result I don't care about him. So because of these two factors--lack of conflict and an undeveloped character--as a reader I wouldn't want to continue.

You'll certainly need to think about where your story is going, and what is it about. Is there a conflict at all? You'll also want to think about your main character for a while. A great user group to consider is the Character Development Usergroup. It's real helpful for learning how to make strong characters.

Best of luck! And really, go critique!

You have what appears to be an interesting beginning. However, for all your descriptions, you don't really have any story here. Tell us why this group has come here. Show them as they enter, in present-time, rather than them reminiscing about it. Write the children's own thoughts and worries. What are they going to do when they get here?

I liked this. It has potential. You just need to flesh it out a bit.

One other note: if you were to have spaces between your paragraphs, the story would be much easier to read. As it is, it appears to be one big lump and that is difficult to keep from being distracted when reading it. Spaced prose is much easier to focus on.

Good luck with your writing and welcome to YWS.

~GryphonFledgling

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 [i]perduti

Something's wrong there. Either you were putting something in italics, or that's not meant to be there.

30,000 pigs each year, 70,000 goats, 20,000 sheep and 40,000 calves and oxen

The numbers jump out at me, they aren't incorrect, but they're annoying. Is it important to the plot that you communicate "30,000 pigs", etc? I'd just make sure it's clear that there are a lot of animals, you needn't be so specific -- it just ain't necessary and as I said, it jumps out at you when you read it.

He also mentioned some of the sub-divisions of the 4 quarters.

Up until the number thirteen, you're supposed to spell numbers. So this should be 'four quarters'.

It has potential, I'll give you that. You'll need to refine it, though, and keep yourself from telling instead of showing. Also all those numbers at the end? It messes up the story a little, throwing in numbers like that. I found it confusing. I'll bet other people did too. I enjoyed it, but there's no plot, no direction to the story itself.

There should be more (action), people doing things, walking around, even. The story so far sounds as if it were an information sheet, not a story or a poem. Besides that I really liked it. It has potential. Keep at it.

Actually, it IS an information sheet! I had to write this for Social Studies, so all the numbers, endless facts and others seriously need to be edited out!