Young Writers Society

I reached my class just seconds before the bell rang and took my seat with Robin, a fellow economics student who was one of my really good friends. We had been studying the same subject for the past few years together and she was a very close friend. Robin was attractive, with her grey eyes and black hair cropped to the length of her ears in a pixy cut. Her short height and round eyes gave her more of a "small and beautiful" look. She was the only girl who treated me like a brother and didn't have her high school girl tantrums. Alec really liked her, but as he saw how close we were, he knew there would come a time when Robin would start thinking differently of me. That day never came and i was glad she thought of how awkward things would get if she did. She found pleasure in teasing about girls staring at me from corners and would still be there to save me from Angel.
"You look as if you'r about to cry...whats up?" Robin asked.
"Nothing i just ran the whole way from home to school and the hallway was pretty crowded..." I tried to look convincing.
"Yeah...James sweetie...you'r from Canada and I'm from New York. Face it ,I'm not buying it...who was she?"
I was just about to answer when my eyes met her's. She was standing in the entrance, looking like a vision, with her long dark straight hair slightly blowing from the breeze.
"Her..." I answered with a completely lost voice.
She swiftly walked across the room as if she had just got off a successful ramp walk. Her eyes still looked confused as if they were searching for something. No, that wasn't the sort of look you get for searching an empty seat. She looked straight at me and her eyes sparkled and after such a long time...i felt...hugary?
*snap* "Jamey? back to earth yet? you look like you just flew a 100 miles in the air" said Robin
"huh...? oh sorry...i don't think i'm feeling to good. I feel dizzy...i think" i replied.
"yeah girls have a tendancy to do that unintentionally...to 13 year olds that is! what is with you? you look...sweaty?" said Robin
"SHUSH! She's siting right behind us!" i hushed her.
Robin had a look on her face that made me feel intimidated. She looked angry, confused, mischievous and scary.

Hi, just technical feedback from me.
I think you see some details as unimportant, as did I at one point, but when trying to teach oneself to write quality fiction, attention to grammatical details is a must. As opposed to a twit or an SMS, this is a piece of literature, so all 'i was' should and must be 'I was'; all 'you'r' should and must be 'you're'; all 'whats up' must be 'what's up'. Even when relating informal dialogue, the basic rules apply.

After dialogues commas, exclamation marks or question marks are a must. Example: "I feel dizzy...i think[,]" i [I] replied.
Really, these tedious details are an absolute must.

Paragraphs are trickier; some writers have page-long paragraphs - others employ two-three line paragraphs. In my opinion your opening paragraph contains about three paragraphs in it.

What else? Two consecutive sentences ending with 'friend' - makes the rhythm stumble.

The story itself is set up in a fine manner, and the first hint of intrigue is already dangled in front of the reader. Very good.
Keep going

Hi, again. I'm pretty sure petty found most of the grammatical errors. I really liked this bit because we got a really good description of your supporting character, but we still don't have quite that description on your mains. Robin seems cool, the sense of humor you gave her is really realistic and something that a lot of people can relate to. With this bit I'd like to see a little bit more description of setting. We know that we're in a high school, but is it one of those huge ones with multiple buildings or floors? Or one of the dinky ones with only 23 people in the senior class (like my school) lol. Descriptions are key to just about everything in writing, along with grammar. A lot of people won't take a second glance at a piece that doesn't have good grammar.

But yeah, you're doing fine =] Keep it up.