Young Writers Society

I ran after her, but she didn't stop. I called out her name and she gave no answer:

"Alex! Alex! Alexandra!!"

I chased her and all that was in my view was her blonde hair bouncing as she ran. I knew why she never looked back and it was because if she faced me, i would see the tears in her eyes.

"Alex! Please don't do this to me! Stop! Alex!....i love you!"

At these three words she came to a sudden halt and turned to face me with those warm hazel eyes that once twinkled. My chestnut brown hair started blowing from the sea winds, as we stood on the beach of Vermont, Montana. She came closer and closer as my chest started pounding. Her warm lips touched mine and i glued myself to her, afraid to let go. I felt her tears wetting my cheeks and realized this was the end.

"I'm sorry James but this is the end of our forever. You heard my father, were leaving tomorrow and you are no good for me"

These words sinked in my brain and i knew it really was the end. I pursed my lips and let go of her dress. I felt a bursting of pain in my throat and i put my hands around her round face that had the features of Aphrodite. She pecked my cheek for 10 seconds and i let my lips run down her neck line. I realized something and stopped myself from making this goodbye any longer. I dropped my hands loose and turned.

"I guess it is the end Lex. See you"

I lay on the soft sand of the beach with my eyes closed. I opened them and looked to my right where i saw a clock ticking. The illusion disappeared and i sat up in my bed. I glanced at the clock again; it was almost 7 o' clock. My feet touched the carpet and i walked to the indoor bathroom.

I washed up and but on my cargoes and dark blue jumper. The black converses were in my hands as i rushed down stairs for breakfast. Malcolm was already sitting at the table munching his cereal loudly.

"Could you eat any louder?" i questioned him.

" Yeah i could, could u pass me the box, the cereal sounds louder without milk" he replied.

I nudged him. Malcolm looked a lot like me, chestnut brown hair with a pair of dark brown eyes and a small nose. Mom said we both had dad's smile for which we both received plenty of compliments. Malcolm still had a lot more of dad in him whereas i had mom. He always reminded me how dad looked. Ten years ago when i was 9, dad passed away in a car accident, leaving me to take care of Malcolm and look after mom. Back then Malcolm was a baby and mom was a young 25 year old. She never looked for a fatherly figure replacement as she thought Malcolm was too young to realize anyone taking his father's place.

I always looked out for him as my mom made him my responsibility. Malcolm meant everything to me and past his annoying habits he was one great little brother.

" James...stop nudging your little brother. Malcolm honey,please chew with your mouth closed. James, you have to drop Malcolm off to school today, i'm tacking my car to the hardware store to pick up some appliances" mom said.

"Sure thing mom" i replied.

I dropped Malcolm off and we fisted each other goodbye. In a ten minutes drive i arrived in the High School parking lot. I eyed an empty spot and as i brought the car in reverse there came something in view that i dreaded. Dressed in tight skinny jeans and a low cut top with a black cropped jacket. She couldn't look any trampier than that and in the summers i regretted speaking to soon.

"Damn....Angel again" i whispered in my car. I took a deep breath and slid my bag over my shoulder as i stepped out to meet her eager gaze.

"Hey James! Wow! Blue is so Your color! Do you like what i'm wearing?" she batted her eyes and posed putting a hand on the black hood of my car.

I laughed a little as i observed her.

"Hi Angel. Thank you...i guess it is my favorite jumper. Um angel, its below 15 degrees so i suggest you wear something 'More' warm."

She giggled in a fake manner and came close to me. I backed up and she started touching my hair as i tried to shake her off. Angle was a popular girl who was rich and threw pool parties. Appearence wise she was a typical blonde who wore makeup and short skirts to attract attention. Her hobbies which i knew of included tripping over me in class and invading my personal space.

As i backed up to create space between us,i tousled my hair in order to remove her's .

"So...how about you and i go out for a drink?" she asked

I felt extremely uncomfortable.

"Uhh...i am so sorry...but uh..i have to go somewhere tomorrow and i have this project with Alec and........uh i mean, its' a busy week soo maybe later" i smiled.

"Ugh! why do you work so hard?" she asked as sh came closer and ran a finger around my face.

"Jamey...you need to step out of the house. It's been over 3 months since Alex left you baby".

Her name made me furious and i grabbed her wrist that touched my face and gently let it loose by her side.

"I'm sorry Angel, i'm not interested" i said.

I locked my car and walked to class. It was cold, it was wet and the day has just gone drearier.

Nice job. When i was reading your piece i felt like i was in this story. I could feel the emotion that you delievred. Your a very good writer. The only thing was that i was sure if this is a short story or something else. Otherwise very good job.
- Danielm1233

Hey James!

Whoop. I think you need to proofread your story before you confidently post it here (well, unless you want a thousand-word review ^^). I have caught several grammatical errors and it would be best, I think, if you see and fix them yourself. ^^ Try to be more careful especially when it comes to your punctuation, misspellings, capitalization of I's and your sentence structure.

Now as for the story, it was... fine. Actually the dream threw me off a bit. I have to be pretty honest. I didn't like how James reacted towards his break-up relationship with Alexandra. There were insufficient emotions throughout the story. As soon as James woke up from that dream, it seemed just like nothing happened. He woke up with empty emotions. I couldn't feel his pain or there was no sympathy towards him. I wanted to know more of his thoughts and what you're presenting to us wasn't enough. I'm also wondering why this story is submitted under Fantasy novels. You haven't managed to give us a hint of what the story would be like in the future. I was even thinking this was supposed to be under Romantic fiction/section.

Your main character seemed flat, but since this is the first chapter, I hope to see and hear more of his thoughts and reactions. Also try being more descriptive about the place and the people he interacts.

I felt a bursting of pain in my throat and i put my hands around her round face that had the features of Aphrodite.

I wished you have expanded Alexandra's physical characteristics. So that we could at least, picture her, or even both of them. This also leads me to my second point, show don't tell. ^^

I glanced at the clock again; it was almost 7 o' clock. My feet touched the carpet and i walked to the indoor bathroom.

What time does his class usually starts? Shouldn't he be at least in a hurry?

I have also noticed that you tend to have ellipses (...) a lot- they're all over the place. Sometimes there are instances where you don'\t need them- so try toning it down a bit. ^^

For example:

"Uhh...i am so sorry...but uh..i have to go somewhere tomorrow and i have this project with Alec and........uh i mean, its' a busy week soo maybe later" i smiled.

This kind of mistakes easily turns off a reader. Also, there should be a full stop after the word "later" since a speech tag doesn't follow after. ^^

And again, try rereading this one and try looking for your grammar mistakes because they tend to weaken your prose and the quality of your story. I don't know but maybe you were in a hurry writing this one- it's a bit obvious I think just by basing on your title. ^^

I recommend you these helpful links!

Punctuation Within Dialogue by Demeter
Show and Tell by CastlesintheSky

there are a lot more helpful threads actually that can be found on Knowledge Base forum!

All in all, I think this can be a lot better! Just fix the car engine and your Porsche will run smoothly afterwards. ^^ Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri