Young Writers Society

Hey! I already got help with the first part so I've put it in a spoiler. It's only in case you want to skim over it quickly before you read the rest, but basically all that happens is she has a creepy dream about her ancestor Adelaide. That's it. Thanks in advance for any reviews.



…
The nightmares had begun at about the same time as the disappearances. I was sure it was the stress that made me suddenly lapse into a sort of insomniac state, where the only time I slept, I had these elaborate nightmares that woke me up soon enough. As a result, I had permanent dark circles under my eyes, and always had the appearance of one of the walking dead. I don’t mean those beautiful vampires either, more like those hideous zombies you see in really bad movies.
If only Harper was here. She would understand. I could call Harper at the wee hours of the night and she’d know what’s going on. But Harper was gone. So were Amy, Rita, Gemma and June. All girls and all of them stunningly beautiful barely sixteen year olds disappeared within a fortnight. I knew I had to accept that they would probably never been found. A year of constant nightmares and insomnia, a year where I was not certain whether I would rather be trapped in reality or trapped in a nightmare had followed. And no trace of them. I knew, I had been in many of those search parties. It was like they had vanished from the island.
I reluctantly remembered the last time I spoke to Harper. It had been so normal. A normal that was now completely alien to me. She was gushing over the fact that Seamus Catarcht had actually talked to her.
‘And you won’t believe it, Cordelia, he just turns around and goes ‘Harper. You look nice today. I like your hair.’ I died.’
‘I’m happy for you.’ I said, preoccupied with an assignment, not realizing this insignificant phone call would be the last conversation I would have with my best friend.
‘Ugh, God, Cordelia I can’t believe you’re doing homework while I’m trying to share something of such significance. Anyway, I was thinking, since Lee is bound to ask me out, why don’t you and I and Seamus and Taylor go on a double date this weekend?’
‘You know I don’t date, Harp.’
‘Whatever. I have to go. I’ll just convince you at school tomorrow, you know that, right?’
And then she hung up.
But she didn’t convince me at school the next day. Because Harper was gone. She was gone and she wasn’t coming back. At first I thought it might be a trick she was playing, pretending she wasn’t around, playing the fool- that was so Harper. But then, she was gone overnight. That wasn’t like Harper. She wouldn’t worry her parents like that. I refused to admit that she was gone. Even when a year had passed, I refused to see that Harper was never coming back. She was my best friend, she was the only person who understood me so well. How could she be taken away from me? We could not survive apart. We were one, and we were invincible. Nothing could hurt us two when we were apart.
It was while I was thinking this that I heard a knock on my door.
‘Come in.’ I said, softly. I did not like to speak any louder when I thought of Harper, or speak at all. Because when I spoke, I could not hold back the tears. And it had been a year, I was meant to be moving on. Everyone else was moving on, right?
My mother entered in her nightgown, with a crazed look in her eyes:
‘We haven’t much time, Cordelia. Pack your things.’
I looked at her slightly annoyed.
‘Mom, go back to bed.’
‘Cordelia, you must get off this island. You must, you must! It isn’t safe for you here! They’ll come! They’ll take you away to that demonic place and you’ll be lost, love. You’ll be lost like the rest. But you’ll suffer most! Because of Adelaide. Oh Adelaide thought she had it all planned out, sure, here comes the seed and she’ll save us all from… But how could she think that I would let my precious, my love, my only-‘
My father walked in and grabbed my mother then.
‘That’s enough, Magnolia.’
My mother instantly shut up and looked at me pleadingly as my father escorted her to her room. He came back later, my dad. He sat on the edge of my bed and looked at me intently:
‘Did you have another nightmare?’ He asked.

‘Yes father.’

‘Those pills aren’t working, are they?’

‘No father.’

‘Go back to sleep, love. Your mother is sick. Very sick. I’m sorry she disturbed you and possibly spooked you with her crazy talk. But always remember that you have nothing to fear. I will always be here to protect you.’

‘Sure father.’ I said, as I pulled my quilt over my head.

Cot Island- The island that my ancestors discovered and inhabited centuries ago. I had every right to be here. I was a member of what was pretty much left of the first family to settle here. Allegedly, the Cots feared religious prosecution of some sort and therefore Kieran Cot, Adelaide’s brother, who was an experienced sailor picked up his sister, her husband and a few other people seeking refuge and made their way to this island on a stolen ship. Nobody found this island in Adelaide’s time and by the time they did, the world had become a more accepting place which had no intention of bothering this tiny island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. And thus we existed, undisrupted by anyone but the occasional tourist, happily going about our own business.

Until people started going missing, of course. When you live on an island, how hard is it to find a missing person, or even body? And then, my mother had a nervous breakdown, always with this crazy talk, and the nightmares and insomnia had begun. And suddenly my life did not seem so perfect anymore. But that was just the beginning. I thought that was bad? Well, it only went downhill from there.

I know you said you've already gotten help with this first part, but is it okay if I give my opinion anyway? I won't be harsh, I promise(:

The nightmares had begun at about the same time as the disappearances. I was sure it was the stress that made me suddenly lapse into a sort of insomniac state, where the only time I slept, I had these elaborate nightmares that woke me up soon enough.

Right there when you use the word "nightmare" twice it seems a bit repetitive. Read over it a few times to see if you think so. It's up to you of course if you decide to alter the sentences.

I don’t mean those beautiful vampires either, more like those hideous zombies you see in really bad movies.

The word "really" doesn't seem like it belongs there. Actually, you could replace "really bad" in "really bad movies" to just "horror movies".

All girls and all of them stunningly beautiful barely sixteen year olds disappeared within a fortnight.

This is a run-on sentence and kind of confusing. I had to re-read it a couple times before I understood its meaning.

If only Harper was here. She would understand. I could call Harper at the wee hours of the night and she’d know what’s going on. But Harper was gone. So were Amy, Rita, Gemma and June. All girls and all of them stunningly beautiful barely sixteen year olds disappeared within a fortnight. I knew I had to accept that they would probably never been found. A year of constant nightmares and insomnia, a year where I was not certain whether I would rather be trapped in reality or trapped in a nightmare had followed. And no trace of them. I knew, I had been in many of those search parties. It was like they had vanished from the island.

Who are these people to your character? At first I figured that they were supposed to remain unknown to us readers until you, the author, were ready to give their relation to the story/character, but at the end of the paragraph I felt something was missing. Can you add in a little detail about who they are to your character? Like are they friends or a group of peers from a school club?

‘And you won’t believe it, Cordelia, he just turns around and goes ‘Harper. You look nice today. I like your hair.’ I died.’

The period after Harper should be a comma. I see you also have the single apostrophe going on and I don't know if you're doing that because it's a dream or just because you want to, but when you have many of them like you do in the above sentence it looks weird and I wasn't sure when the dialog from Harper ended.

*I love Cordelia and Harper's friendship xD Harper's just, "OMG, LOVE!" And then Cordelia,":T Yeah, uh-huh." <3

But she didn’t convince me at school the next day.

You're starting a lot of your sentences with "But". Try using a different word sometimes to mix it up. The word "except" would go nicely here(:

We could not survive apart. We were one, and we were invincible. Nothing could hurt us two when we were apart.

Again, sounds repetitive. I'm sorry D: It's a pet peeve that I catch myself doing as well. When I see something like this I always think, "didn't I just read this word? Let me go back and find it."

He came back later, my dad.

"My dad" can be omitted from the sentence. I think even without it we can easily figure out who came back. The only boys who have been mentioned are Lee, Seamus, and Taylor (I'm not sure if male or female, I'm sorry), and they aren't mentioned in this paragraph.

When you live on an island, how hard is it to find a missing person, or even body?

What does that mean? o.O

And suddenly my life did not seem so perfect anymore.

I don't recall her ever saying or thinking her life was perfect. Maybe I missed it, I dunno.

That wasn't so bad, right? C': Hopefully not. Overall, I think the story is REALLY interesting. If you have more chapter posted I will most definitely read them. Although, I haven't been on this website in forever, and ever then I didn't know how to really work this site, so I might have to search a bit to find the other bits of this story. It sounds good. Keep. It. Up! ^ w ^ I admire you as a writer.

PS: The day you joined this site is the day of my birth(: How cool!

Hi there Stela!

I'm interested in the plot of the story. It seems scary and mysterious. I like it. Alright, let me just jump into the review.

Mistakes

I was sure it was the stress that made me suddenly lapse into a sort of insomniac state,

Re-write this as, "I was sure it was the stress that made me lapse into a some sort of a sudden insomniac state"

I knew I had to accept the fact that they would probably never been found.

Even when a year had passed, I refused to see that Harper was never coming back.

This should be, "Even after a year had passed, I still refused to believe that Harper was never coming back."

Nothing could hurt us two when we were apart.

I think you meant to say, "Nothing could hurt us when we were together"

He came back later, my dad. He sat on the edge of my bed and looked at me intently:

Connect these sentences, like "He came back later and sat on the edge of my bed, looking at me intently"

or even body?

"Even a body"

Plot

The plot you have created is definitely mysterious and truly unique. It's a great plot to wind a story around and I was surprised to see the use of simple, modernistic language, as the prologue was written in more classical, dark kind of English. I have no way of predicting where this story is going so I'm just gonna eagerly wait for you to write the next chapters so that I have atleast a clue about the plot.

Descriptions

I was impressed by how you used the plot to cover up the descriptions, because after I read the chapter, I did not notice any lack of descriptions until after I re-read the story to specifically searching for descriptions. Being plot-centered is good, because it makes the reader's imagination the one that distracts the reader away from actual descriptions. But if the plot falters, it becomes a serious problem of not having descriptions. So, be sure to add at least a small amount of description.

Character Descriptions

I like the way you have shaped the character and how you show the reader her personality through simple flash backs and general behavior or thoughts. You can really build a stable, solid character through that method. But do try to emphasize a few key characteristics of your character's outer appearance so that the readers remember the character more.

Overall

It was a good chapter and I liked it. It kept my interest until the very end.

Good luck and I hope to read the next chapters as well.

- C -

I guess I'll call you Stela.

Characterisation

You did pretty well here, I think. Your main character is a little under-developed when you compare her to Harper -- I think you must have enjoyed writing about her best friend because the dialogue is beautifully light and natural. It'd be nice to get to know Cordelia a bit more considering she is the focus of the story, and also this mysterious "seed" business as well.

Currently we know she's diligent with schoolwork, superstitious, and still mourning the loss of her friends, but that's about it. See if you can weave in some more of her character so the reader can feel closer to her and therefore more engaged.

Now, considering Cordelia's parents, I think the mother is a great character with her "crazy talk" and her shorter fast-paced sentences add some excitement to this first chapter which is always nice. I think Cordelia's father, however, could be fleshed out a bit more. Currently he seems a little flat and very distant emotionally -- this isn't necessarily bad, but it doesn't seem intentional at the moment. If you want him to be a bit restrained, emotionally, then it might be good to exaggerate it a bit more.

Also some of the dialogue is a little stilted. You did a fine job with Harper's voice in the story, but Cordelia's father alternates between formal and informal even within the same sentence.

Go back to sleep, love. Your mother is sick. Very sick. I’m sorry she disturbed you and possibly spooked you with her crazy talk. But always remember that you have nothing to fear. I will always be here to protect you.

The first three sentences sound like the average concerned parent. The first half of the next sentence sounds like a robot (read it aloud and you'll see!) and the second half sounds like he's casually calling his wife "crazy"! The final two sentences sound like the grand promises of a hero from a fantasy novel. I think it'd be worth trying out his dialogue aloud until you can decide how he should sound.

Info-dumps

It's always something to watch out for in opening chapters: the dreaded info-dump! It's dangerous to feed the reader too much information at once in case they choke, so consider slimming down those sections and doing more "showing" rather than "telling".

Main points to watch out for are the last two paragraphs of the chapter -- they're full of interesting stuff, but I'm sure you can do a better job of weaving the information into the story rather than presenting it all in one block. The long section about Harper was quite engaging so I'm not gonna suggest that you try and slim that bit down, but if you want to keep more about Cot Island then perhaps consider reducing the length of other bits like that so it doesn't seem like too much information in the first chapter.

First person narrative

You're pretty good at this -- I know I'm lousy at it, so well done!

Watch out for tenses and stuff (especially in the spoiler'd introductory section) because it's easy to get confused between past and present when you're writing in the first person. I know you want to give the feeling that the dream is happening to her at the point of reading, but I personally find the "here"s to confuse the flow of the narrative and I don't think it works well enough to justify using them. Consider replacing them with "there" and see which way you prefer once you've reread it.

Overall

You've got a good hook, some interesting characters, and some potentially-even-better-characters when you've had another look over this chapter! I like the gem that changes colour and the idea of the disappearances on an island -- it's all building up to something exciting! I hope that you continue writing and consider my suggestions when you next have a chance.


Charlie