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I wrote this story, I need some ideas on how to improve it



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Sun Jan 06, 2008 4:26 am
Hayley Hall says...



The Elf King
By Hayley Hall

Chapter 1

Jamie, a fifteen year old freshman at New Town High, was coming home from school after a usual hard day at school. She shuffles down the sidewalk sadly, her head hanging down, rethinking the day’s events. She dreads how her mother will react when she sees her report card, three F’s, two D’s and a C. Her mother will not be happy with her.
Since her father had passed away three months earlier she has been slacking in school. As she comes closer to her house she starts to worry even more. She hates it when her mother is mad at her, but since her fathers death she always seems to be mad at her. Jamie worries that the relationship that she used to have with her mother was beginning to fade away. Things just haven’t been the same between Jamie and her mother and all she wants more than anything is to have things go back to normal again. Her mother used to be fun and exciting, but now all she does is either yell at her or just ignore her.
Jamie reaches the door of her house and gives out a long sigh before opening the door to go inside. She makes her way to the kitchen where her mother stood over the stove stirring something in a large pot.
“Hi mom” Jamie greets her sadly.
“Well let’s see it” her mother said in an annoyed voice.
“See what?” Jamie asks pretending that she didn’t know what her mother was talking about.
“Jamie, you know exactly what I’m talking about! So don’t you play dumb with me!” shouted her mother angerly.
Jamie slowly reaches into her bag and pulls out a folded piece of paper and hands it to her mother. She waits for her mother’s reaction when she finishes looking at the report card.
“What kind of grades are these?” her mother yells turning around to face Jamie.
Jamie flinches at the angry expression on her face.
“Go to your room now!” her mother continued to shout, “You should be ashamed of youself Jamie! Having grades like these is nothing to be proud of.”
Jamie runs up to her room and slams the door behind her. She throws her self onto her bed and burries her face in her pillow. She starts crying into her pillow then lifts her head.
“I hate my life!”she cries, “I wanna run away, far away fromthis place.”
She continues to cry for what seemed like hours. Then gets up and dries her tears with a Kleenex. She hears plates being placed on the table down stairs and sighs.
“Dinner time” she says to herself quietly.
She knows that there is no point in waiting for her mother to call her down because she knows her mother won’t even bother to. She walks out of her bedroom, down the stairs then into the kitchen. She hears what sounds like football playing on the T.V. There was no hope in trying to get her mother’s attention when there is a game on. Sadly Jamie enters the kitchen and walks over the cabinets to get herself a plate. Then she walks over to the stove and looks into the pot, it was spaghetti. She dishes herself some then walks over to the table and sits down.
She starts eating the overcooked pasta, but doesn’t dare complain. She hears her mother shouting at the T.V.
“What kind of a play was that?” her mother shouts.
Jamie finished her plate and walks over to the sink to rinse it off. She puts the plate into the dishwasher and then heads back up stairs to her room. She walks over to her desk and sits down looking at her self in the mirror in fron of her.
“I’m going to run away” she told herself, “tonight.”
She looks over at her alarm clock. The digital numbers said 7:00. She gets up and leaves her room again, this time she went into the bathroom to shower. She puts the clothes she had on earlier back on. She quietly walks back across the hall to her room. She peeks her head out of her bedroom door. When she hears that the football game is still on she brings her head back in and shut the door behind her softly. She then walks over to her window and quietly graps the latch, turns it, and opens the window.
When the window is finally opened all the way she crawls out of it. She grabs a nearby branch on the tree below and slowly climbs down to the ground. She looks around cautiously making sure that no one saw her.
“Good no one saw me” she said quietly to herself.
She runs out of the yard and down the street. She continued running until she reached a park. Thinking she was far enough away from anyone she sits down on a park bench to to catch her breath. She looks over at the woods and notices a small green glowing light shining in the trees. She stands up and starts walking over to the woods, never taking her eyes off the light. She stops when she finally reaches where the light was coming from. She picks up the crystal on the ground that the light was coming from.
“What’s this?” she asks curiously even though there was no one around to answer her.
She looks in to the crystal then before she knew it she was sucked inside it. When she opens her eyes she is surrounded by trees that look to be some kind of a cross breed between palm trees and pine trees. She looks around her in amazement.
“Wow” she exclaimed in amazement then noticed a small creature looking over at her from nearby.
The creature had a large nose, large hands and feet and large pointed ears.
“Who are you?” the creature asks her.
“My name is Jamie” she replied looking puzzled, “Where am I?”
“You’re in the Lamasa Woods just out side the elvan city.” He says, “and my name is Semus just to let you know.”
“Did you just say elvin city?” she asked him in a surprised voice.
“Yes I sure did” replied Semus walking towards her.
“So are you an elf?” She asks him curiously.
“Sort of” he told her, “I’m kind of an outcaster though”
“Really why?” asked Jamie.
“Well mainly because no one really likes me.” he replied sadly.
“Really? You seem to nice to not be liked.” said Jamie.
“You really think so?” asked Semus excitedly.
“Yeah I think so” she replied.
“So where are you from?” he asked her.
“Well certainly not from around here” she said looking around, “I’m a human you know”
“Really? Wow!” replied Semus, “How did you get here?”
“I was walking through the woods in some park and I spotted this crystal glowing a greenish color. So I picked up the crystal, looked into it then before I knew it I was here.” she told him.
“I can help you get back home.” said Semus.
“Why would I want to go home?” she asked him, “I hate my home.”
“Well staying here is not that great of an idea.” Semus told her.
“Really? Why’s that?” asked Jamie.
“Because if Dymus finds you he will throw you into the underground dungeon where you will be tortured for the rest of your life!” he told her with a worried look on his face.
“What? Who’s Dymus?” she asked getting alittle worried.
“He’s the king of the elves” said Semus.
They suddenly heard hundreds of footsteps coming towards them.
“Oh no!” said Semus in a scared voice, “His army has found us!”
The army gets closer and closer until they have surrounded Jamie and Semus.
“Hello Jamie” one of the captains said.
“How do you know my name?” She asked.
“Dymus told us” said the captain, “he’s been waiting for you to come for a long time.”
“He has?” she asked in disbelief.
An eagle started flying around them.
“Looks like the king came to greet you personally.” said the captain as the eagle landed in front of Jamie.
She looked at the eagle in disbelief, but before she could say anything the bird transformed in to a tall, hansome elf with wild long blonde hair.
“Hello Jamie” he said, “I’m Dymus, king of the elves”
Jamie continued to stare at him in shock.
“How did you do that?” she asked him finally.
“What the eagle thing.” asked Dymus.
“Yeah” replied Jamie eagerly.
“Oh it’s just one of my many magical powers” he told her.
“Oh” Jamie replied.
“Come, let’s go for a walk” he said.
“Why?” she asked him.
“I want to get to know you better.” relpied Dymus, “You’re the first human to come here.”
“Really?” Jamie asked in amazement.
“Yes” replied Dymus.
“What about the crystal? Hasn’t anyone else found it?” she asked curiously.
“No, only the chosen one can see that crystal” he replied.
He stops wlking and turns to look at her.
“You’re the chosen on Jamie.” he says.
“Chosen one for what?” asked Jamie.
“The chosen one to be my queen” he said with a smile.
“Really, Semus was telling me that you were going to throw me in some kind of underground dungeon.” She told him.
Semus froze as the king turned around to face him looking furious.
“Semus!” Dymus shouted, “How dare you say that to her! Just for that I’m going to throw you into the dungeon!”
Dymus snapped his fingers and two of the soldiers came forward, put shackles on Semus, and carried him away. Jamie suddenly felt ashamed for saying that. She continued to follow Dymus through the elvin city.
“Jamie, just so you know, I don’t like to force things so you can have all the time you want to think about being my queen.” he said putting his gloved hand on her shoulder.
“But how am I the chosen one?” she asked, “I’m not an elf.”
“You don’t have to be” Dymus replied, “and besides I would mush rather have a human queen than an elf queen.”
“Why?” Jamie asked.
“Because I think humans are more interesting.” he told her with a smile.
“You think so?” she asks, “I’de have to say that you elves are much more interesting than humans, but that’s just me.”
“Wow I’ve never heard that one before” said Dymus with a chuckle.
They continued to walk until they reached a a pair of huge gates. Jamie looked at them closely and realized that they were made of pure gold.
“Wow!” Jamie exclaimed in amazement.
Dymus smiled then held up his forefinger and made a “Z” design in the air in front of the gate. Jamie watched in amazement as the gates magically started to open. Then walk into the city and Jamie looks at all the buildings and noticed that they too were made of gold. She continues to follow Dymus until they reach a huge golden castle in the center of the city.
“Is this your castle?” Jamie asks him as they reach the doors.
“Yes it is” Dymus replied proudly, “wanna see the inside?”
“Sure!” she replies excitedly.
He walks up to the door and does the same “Z” design with his his finger that he had done at the gate. Then when the doors opened they walked inside and the doors shut behind him.

Chapter 2

Jamie looks around the main room of the castle with amazement. She had never in her life seen a more beautiful place.
“This place is beautiful!”exclaimed Jamie.
“I’m glad you think so.” replied Dymus happily.
They continue to walk down the long corridors. Then suddenly Dymus stops and turns around to look her in the eyes.
He smiles at her and says, “I like you Jamie.”
She looks into his piercing blue eyes and replies, “I like you too. You’re kinda cute.”
Dymus’ face starts to turn red with embarassment. She looks closer at him and notices that he looks almost human except for his long pointed ears. As she looked at his face she notices that he looks to be no older than maybe seventeen years old.
“Thanks.” Dymus replied shyly.
They continue to look into each others eyes as they began to move closer to each other. He puts his arms around her and she does the same.
“I think you’re cute too.” he says with a smile.
Then Jamie and Dymus bring their faces closer to each other.
“So you wanna be my queen?” he asks her still smiling.
“I think I could give it a try.” she replies.
Then they engaged in a long drawn out kiss that would have gone on for a while, but they were interrupted by one of the guards.
“Your highness” called the guard.
He comes around the corner and stops when he sees what they are doing.
“So sorry your highness” said the guard, “I didn’t realize you were busy.”
The guard looked from Dymus to Jamie then back to Dymus again.
“You’re forgiven” said Dymus.
Dymus takes his arms off of Jamie and walks over to the guard.
“What news do you bring me Tetremus?” he asks the guard.
“Your highness I came to inform you that we’ve put Semus into the dongeon.” said Tetremus.
“Excellent” Dymus replied.
Jamie looks at the ground and started feeling guilty again for being the reason poor little Semus is in the dungeon in the first place. She was starting to feel alittle sorry for him, but then remembered how Semus had lied to her to try to get her to go back home. She watches as Tetremus turns around and leaves the room leaving Jamie and Dymus alone again. Dymus walks back towards Jamie smiling.
“Dymus?” she asked as he approached her.
“Yes?” he replied.
“I want to know the real reason why I am the chosen one.” she said.
“The real reason?” he said, “that’s a pretty long story are you sure you want to hear it?”
“Yes I do want to hear it.” she replied.
He walks over to a bench type structure and sits down. Then he pats the seat beside him and Jamie walked over and sat down next to him.
“Jamie, I’ve been watching you for a really long time. Five years actually.” he said, “You’re the only human whom I’ve become attracted to.”
“Really why?” she asked him, “What’s to like about me? No one seemed to like me where I came from.”
“Well for one thing I think you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life.” he said with a smile.
“How did you watch me?” she asks, “I’ve never seen you.”
“That’s because I only watched you when I was in my eagle form.” he replied.
Jamie’s face lit up and she says, “You know I’ve always wondered why I kept seeing and eagle perched outside my window. That was you the whole time?”
“Yes” replied Dymus still smiling, “Then I had to witness the tragedy of your fathers sudden death and how depressed you became and all I want now is to make you happy again.”
“You’re so sweet” she replied kindly.
Dymus smiled widely then hugged her. She hugged him back then he pulled back alittle and looked her in the eyes again.
“You want to hear the rest of the story?” heasked her.
“Sure!” she replied.
“I noticed how your mother was treating you.” he began again, “I knew then that I had to save you. Then when I saw you run away, I placed the magic transport crystal in the wood for you to see.”
He sighs and then continues, “You always look so beautiful and as I watched you I just new I had to make you my queen.”
Jamie smiled shyly then replies, “I’ve never heard someone talk about me so kindly before.”
“You kidding” he said, “your so beautiful you could make the whole world jealous.”
Jamie starts to cry and Dymus hugs her tightly.
“Why are you crying” he asked her kindly.
“ I’m just so happy.” she said, “I’ve been this happy before in my life. It’s all because of you too.”
“Aw” Dymus replies and hugs her tighter.
“I like it here” she says, “This is the first place I’m actually happy with staying in.”
“I’m so glad” replied Dymus.
The Jamie suddenly realized how low she has gone without sleeping. Her eyelids start to become heavier and she struggles to keep them open. Dymus looks at her and notices how tired she looks.
“You look tired” he said to her.
“I am very tired”she replied still trying to keep her eyes open.
“Do you want to go to bed?” he askes her kindly.
“Yeah that sounds great” she replied tiredly.
The Dymus unexpectedly gets up, picks her up, and carries her down the hall to his bedroom. He lays her on the bed and covers her with a silk blanket. The he bends down and kisses her on the cheek.
“Sweet dreams my love.” he says quietly and leaves the room, shutting the door softly behind him.

Chapter 3


The next morning Jamie awakens to find Dymus standing there by the bed looking down at her.
“Did you sleep well?” he asked her as she opened her eyes.
“Yes” she replied and began to sit up.
“Good” replied Dymus smiling, “are you hungry?”
“Yeah alittle” Jamie replies with a yawn.
They walked out of the room together. As they walk down the long corridors Dymus speaks again.
“I’ve never seen anyone sleep that long before” he said.
“Really?” Jamie asks in disbelief.
“Yeah, but it’s probably just because you’re the first human I’ve ever met.” He replied, “So I wouldn’t know how long humans usually sleep.”
“Probably” replied Jamie as they entered a room with a large golden table in the center of it. She looks at the table and notices that there are only two chairs. Dymus walks over to the table and pulls out one of the chairs and then looks back at Jamie.
“Sit here” he says to her.
She walks over to the table and sits down. She watches Dymus as he walks to the other side of the table and sits in the other chair. He then snaps his finger and two servants hurry in to the room.
“How may we be of service to you your majesty?” one of them asks.
“Make us our lunch.” Dymus commands.
“Right away your majesty” replies the other servant and they both hurry out of the room.
Soon after they had left Jamie began to hear the sound of pots banging in the room next door. She began to get really hungry, but thought of an important question she needed to ask Dymus before the food came.
“Uh Dtmus can I ask you something?” Jamie asks him.
“Sure” he replied, “ask away.”
“I just wanted to ask you what kind of foods you all eat.” she said.
“Same as humans do” he replied, “except we can’t have dairy products”
“Really why?” she asks curiously.
“because dairy products will kill us very painfully.” he replied.
“How?” she asks him.
“We elves are deathly allergic to dairy” he told her, “It eats away our insides.”
“Oh” she replies, “That sounds scary.
“Yes”he says with a sigh, “It’s one of the only two things that can kill us.”
“If you don’t mind me asking” she said, “what’s the other?”
“We can be killed by others, but we never get old.” he said, “We can’t even starve to death.”
“Wow!” she exclaimes, “So you’re kind of immortal then.”
“Yeah kinda” he replied with a smile.
She suddenly looks down at the ground sadly.
“Humans aren’t immortal.” She says sadly, “We do die of old age.”
“I know” says Dymus, “but there is one way to change that.”
“How?” she asks looking up at him.
“You have to walk through the flame of eternal life” he tells her.
Jamie’s eyes opened wider and she started to look alittle scared.
Looking at the expression on her face Dymus replies, “Don’t worry about it just yet Jamie. We’ll wait untill you’re ready to eternally be queen before we take that road.”
“You mean there’ s no way to turn back if I walk through the flame?” she asks nervously.
“Unfortunatly no” replied Dymus.
“Then I’m going to need a long time to think this over.” she replies.
“That’s perfectly fine” said Dymus, “take all the time you need I’m not going to rush you.”
“Thank you Dymus” she says, “for understanding”
“You’ll still be my love if you choose not to so don’t feel pressured.” said Dymus in a comforting voice.
The servants came back into the room carrying a large tray of food. They carried the tray over to them and set it on the table and left. Dymus got up out of his seat and dished out some food on to a plate and set it in front of Jamie.
“Thank you” she said and began eating.
“You’re always so polite” said Dymus as he began to dish out some food on to a plate for himself.
Jamie smiled at him and he smiled back. They ate silently for a long time. Then when both of them had finished, Dymus snapped his fingers for the servants to come back to take away the empty plates. They sit at the table a while longer before getting up and heading out of the room.


Chapter 4

That after noon Jamie and Dymus went on a walk throught the city. Jamie looks at everything around her anxiously as the walk by the beautiful golden buildings.
“This place is so beautiful!” she exclaims.
Dymus turns his head to face her and smiles.
You know you’re the first person ever to say that.” he says with a smile.
“Really?” she asks in disbelief.
“Yeah , but we’re used to seeing this everyday so I guess we’ve just been getting alittle tired of it.” he replied looking up at one of the buildings.
“I don’t think I could ever get tired of seeing this beautiful city.” she says smiling.
Dymus chuckled, “We’ll have to see about that.”
They looked at each other and laughed. Then they put their arms around each other, turned around and headed back in the direction of the castle. On the way back Dymus leads her through a path that lead to a huge field. They sat down in the long grass and smiled at each other.
“You’re so beautiful” Dymus says looking at her face.
Jamie bloushes and replies, “Why do you always say that?” she says with a giggle.
“Because it’s true.” he says smiling wider.
“Well I think you’re hot!” Jamie says still giggling.
“Dymus’ face begins to redden and he starts to chuckle.
“You really think so?” he asks her.
“Yep, I sure do!” she replies.
Then they lean closer to each other and kissed in the exact same way they had in the back in the castle. Dymus and Jamie were falling in love and they knew it. Then they got up a few moments later and headed back towards the castle. The placed their arms around each other again. When they reached the castle, Dymus made the “Z” design in the air again and the castle doors opened. Jamie follows Dymus inside and they walk down the long corridors until they reached the bedroom. Dymus walks over to the bed and sits down with Jamie sitting down next to him. They lay back on the bed together and and fell asleep.

Chapter 5

After a couple a couple of weeks, Jamie was beginning to get used to living there. Dymus always waited by the bed for her to wake up every morning. He never went anywhere with out her and gave her everything she wanted. She started to think about walking throught the flame of eternal life and spending eternity as Dymus’ queen. She then realized how much she missed her mother, despite how her mother had treated her. She just couldn’t bare the though of the relationship with her mother crumbling completely. She wanted her mother to be happy with her and for everything to go back to the way it once was. She knew that she just couldn’t stay here forever and that she had to tell Dymus the truth, despite the fact that it may break his heart. She didn’t want to leave him, she knew she had to get back home and make things right again between her and her mother. She opens her eyes and as usual, Dymus is right there waiting for her.
“Good morning.” he said as she began to sit up.
They went into the eating room and had breakfast as usual. Then when they were finished they went for their daily walk.
“Ready for a walk?” asks Dymus.
“Sure” replied Jamie.
As they walked down the long corridors Jamie couldn’t bare to look at Dymus, because she was afraid that she would start crying.
“You look sad” he says as they walk out of the castle.
Jamie stops and turns to look at him.
“We need to talk.” she says sadly.
“Sure, is something wrong?” he asks concerned.
“Dymus I’ve been thinking” she began, “you know how my mother and I haven’t been getting along.”
“Yeah?” he says listening intently.
She starts to cry and says, “I love you Dymus, I love being here, but I just can’t live with myself without finding out how to solve the problems between my mother and I. So what I’m saying is that I need to get back home, I need to know that my mother still loves and cares for me. Please understand Dymus! I’ll miss you terribly, but I need to go back to my home.”
Dymus looks at the ground sadly and replies, “If it’s what you truly want I’ll have to learn to accept that. I understand your pain Jamie. My mother and I never got along when I was a child, but she was killed before I had a chance to make things better between us.”
Jamie looks at his and he looks up at her and held out his arms to her. She ran to him and they hugged each other tightly.
“I’ll miss you Jamie” he said sadly.
He makes what looked like a silver arch. She starts walking towards it, but stops and looks back at Dymus.
“Can I have one more kiss before we part?” he said managing a small smile.
She walks over to him and they kiss one last time. Then Jamie walks over the the arch and walks through it. She opened her eyes and she was back in the woods where she had found the crystal. She sighs and starts walking noticing that it was broad daylight. She walks down the streets sadly until she reaches her house. She wipes away a tear as she rings the door bell. Her mother answers the door, looks at her and starts crying.
“Oh Jamie!” she cries as she reaches down and hugs Jamie tightly, “I’m so sorry Jamie! I love you so much I should not have treated you so awful. Please forgive me!”
Jamie, now crying too replied, “I forgive you mother. I love you so much.
Epilogue

When Jamie arrived at her house and found that her mother was so glad to see her she knew things were going to go back to normal. Their relationship with each other improved dramatically. Jamie and her mother did funs things together and Jamie’s grades went up and she made the honor roll. Jamie was happy again, but she never forgot the kind loving elf king that made her happy. She would never forget all the kind words he had said to her and all the kind things he had done for her. She never did see him again nor the eagle that used to perch outside her window. She sometimes wondered if he still loved her or if he was even still alive. Though her heart told he was and that he still loved her dearly. She married a lawyer and had three children. When all of her children were old enough she told them her story. Her story soon got out to many people. Although a lot of them didn’t believe her story the few who did passed it on to their children. So the story continued to be told even after Jamie died at the age of eightynine.



let me know if any of you have ideas on how to improve my story
thanks,
Hayley
  





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Sun Jan 06, 2008 2:39 pm
StellaThomas says...



Darling, this goes in one of the writing forums honey. Up at the top of the page, click on "Writing" and then "submit something". :) I would move it for you or something, but I haven't the faintest idea how and besides, I don't have the authority.

I'll still read it though!
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Sun Jan 06, 2008 5:50 pm
zankoku_na_tenshi says...



Stella’s right, this should probably be moved to fantasy fiction, but I haven’t the authority to do that, either. In any case, please space your paragraphs! It makes things easier to read, and helps keep long stories from getting intimidating. ^_^ Though, with this story, it would really help if you posted chapter by chapter. It’s just… really, really long.

Also, be sure to read the rules! You should review at least two other works before posting one of your own, and try to keep your review:post ratio at about 2:1 (in other words, review twice as much as you post your own work). People tend to review your work more the more you review. (If you can’t decide on a story to review for some reason… well… *coughs innocently and points to her signature*)

*Chapter One Critique*

Jamie, a fifteen year old freshman at New Town High, was coming home from school after a usual hard day at school. She shuffles down the sidewalk sadly, her head hanging down, rethinking the day’s events. She dreads how her mother will react when she sees her report card, three F’s, two D’s and a C. Her mother will not be happy with her.

Whoopsies, tense change. Not “Jamie… was coming home, but Jamie… is coming home. Secondly, of course her mother won’t be happy with her. You really don’t need that sentence, because it’s stating the very obvious. Can you think of any mom who whould be rejoicing to see her daughter come waltzing through the door with those kinds of grades?

Since her father had passed away three months earlier she has been slacking in school.

Oops, tense change again. “… her father has passed away…” not “had.” Don’t worry, writing in present tense takes time to get used to. My story’s a present tense one too, and it was quite a while before I stopped slipping up.

Jamie worries that the relationship that she used to have with her mother was beginning to fade away.

Tense change once again. “… with her mother is beginning…”

Things just haven’t been the same between Jamie and her mother and all she wants more than anything is to have things go back to normal again.

This might be clearer with a few commas. “Things just haven’t been the same between Jamie and her mother, and all she wants, more than anything, is to have things go back to normal again.”

“Well let’s see it” her mother said in an annoyed voice.

A comma after “well” might make this bit of dialogue sound more natural. Also, watch your verb tenses!

“See what?” Jamie asks pretending that she didn’t know what her mother was talking about.
“Jamie, you know exactly what I’m talking about! So don’t you play dumb with me!” shouted her mother angerly.

Two tense changes. A comma should go after “asks.” Also, keep an eye on your spelling. (“Angrily,” not “angerly.”)

her mother yells turning around to face Jamie.

Comma after “yells.”

“I hate my life!”she cries, “I wanna run away, far away fromthis place.”

“From this” is two words.

She continues to cry for what seemed like hours. Then gets up and dries her tears with a Kleenex. She hears plates being placed on the table down stairs and sighs.

“Seems,” not “seemed.” Also, “downstairs” is one word.

“Dinner time” she says to herself quietly.

I believe “dinnertime” is one word.”

She knows that there is no point in waiting for her mother to call her down because she knows her mother won’t even bother to. She walks out of her bedroom, down the stairs then into the kitchen. She hears what sounds like football playing on the T.V. There was no hope in trying to get her mother’s attention when there is a game on. Sadly Jamie enters the kitchen and walks over the cabinets to get herself a plate. Then she walks over to the stove and looks into the pot, it was spaghetti. She dishes herself some then walks over to the table and sits down.

Comma after “down” in the first sentence, comma after “stairs” in the second. Tense change: “It is spaghetti” not “it was.”

She hears her mother shouting at the T.V.
“What kind of a play was that?” her mother shouts.

You already said her mother was shouting, so the “her mother shouts” bit is redundant.

Jamie finished her plate and walks over to the sink to rinse it off. She puts the plate into the dishwasher and then heads back up stairs to her room. She walks over to her desk and sits down looking at her self in the mirror in fron of her.
“I’m going to run away” she told herself, “tonight.”

Gaaaaah, tense changes! “Jamie finishes” in the first sentence, “she tells herself” in the last. “Upstairs” and “herself” are both one word. “Fron” is not a word, but “front” is.

The digital numbers said 7:00. She gets up and leaves her room again, this time she went into the bathroom to shower. She puts the clothes she had on earlier back on. She quietly walks back across the hall to her room. She peeks her head out of her bedroom door. When she hears that the football game is still on she brings her head back in and shut the door behind her softly.

“The digital numbers say 7:00,” “she goes into the bathroom to shower,” “and shuts the door behind her” Don’t you just love tense changes?
She looks around cautiously making sure that no one saw her.
“Good no one saw me” she said quietly to herself.

Hooray for repetitive redundancies! Perhaps, rather than having her say anything, just say “No one.” Or, “The street was quiet.” Or something along those lines.

She continued running until she reached a park. Thinking she was far enough away from anyone she sits down on a park bench to to catch her breath.

Take a good look and see if you can find the tense changes in these two sentences. (Hint: there’s one in each sentence). Also, one too many “to”s.

She looks in to the crystal then before she knew it she was sucked inside it.

“Into” is one word, and tense changes….

“You’re in the Lamasa Woods just out side the elvan city.” He says, “and my name is Semus just to let you know.”
“Did you just say elvin city?” she asked him in a surprised voice.

Ooh, I like the name Lamasa Woods. On another note entirely, is the city “elvan” or “elvin”? Make up your mind…. Also, she “asked” him? Do you mean, she “asks” him? You’re going to have to make up your mind whether you want this in past or present tense, too.

“Yes I sure did” replied Semus walking towards her.

Comma after “yes.”

“Sort of” he told her, “I’m kind of an outcaster though”

What’s an “outcaster”? Someone who casts people out? I get the funny feeling you mean “outcast.”

“Really why?” asked Jamie.

Question mark after “really”

“Really? You seem to nice to not be liked.” said Jamie.

“Too,” not “to.”

“Yeah I think so” she replied.

Comma after “yeah.”

“What the eagle thing.” asked Dymus.

This is a question, and should thus end with a question mark. Also, comma after “what.”

He stops wlking and turns to look at her.
“You’re the chosen on Jamie.” he says.

Ooops, typos! “Walking” and “one” rather than “wlking” and “on.”

“You don’t have to be” Dymus replied, “and besides I would mush rather have a human queen than an elf queen.”

He would “mush rather”? “Much rather” seems to make more sense…

Also, that clump of dialogue is rife with tense changes.

So, in summary, how can you make this story better? Proofread, proofread, and proofread some more. You need to make a decision: Is this story in past or present tense? Stick with one, please! Read it aloud and the places where you’re missing punctuation should be easy to find. Reading through it will also help you catch some typos and misspellings. This will be helpful because we reviewers can focus less on your grammar and more on your story.

I’m sorry I can’t go through the whole story right now, try looking at the next few chapters and proofreading them too. Next time, though, you might want to post stories chapter by chapter, as this is a bit… intimidating. Nonetheless, maybe if I have time this afternoon I’ll go through chapters 2-5. It’s my last day of winter break, so things are a little hectic, but I’ll try.

Sorry if this sounded a little harsh, I’m in the midst of some end-of-break blues today. :( You’ve got a good concept here, it just needs a little bit more polish. ^_^
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?
  





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816 Reviews



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Sun Jan 06, 2008 8:08 pm
Leja says...



Hello there; welcome to YWS! First off, this section is more for discussing your writing projects and such than for actually posting them. That's what the lit forums are for! So I'll go ahead and move this to Fantasy Fiction for you ^^

Secondly, we request that new members critique at least two things before posting their own work. Share the joy of reviewing! That way, everyone can get comments on their work. Also, when posting on the forums, the format we generally use it to double space between paragraphs (an example of that is the paragraphs in this post) to make things easier to read. I know, it was probably formatted very pretty in Microsoft Word and such, but in copy/pasting to a post, the indents are lost. You'll undoubtedly have a better chance of getting reviews if people don't have to work to read what you've written ^^

Best of luck; let me know if you have any further questions!
  





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52 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Reviews: 52
Mon Jan 07, 2008 4:48 am
lulu_lizzrd says...



this sentence is a little bit repetitive
She hates it when her mother is mad at her, but since her fathers death she always seems to be mad at her.


Also the way you write is not exactly 3rd or anything else, it's a little strange because you go between 1st and 3rd and something

Jamie, you know exactly what I’m talking about! So don’t you play dumb with me!” shouted her mother angerly.
"Angerly"????? need I say more

I hate my life!”she cries, “I wanna run away, far away fromthis place.”
you forgot the space between from and this

i couldn't finish reading, but with some touch ups it could form into a promising story
I open my lunch box Hopin' to find a sandwich, an apple some cookies or cake but there, coiled and hissin' and set to unwind Is anouther big venemous poisonous snake leaving me hungry as can be you think my mother's mad at me?
  





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40 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 40
Mon Jan 07, 2008 9:25 pm
shotgun2983 says...



Well, for starters you need to divide up your chapters as well as moving it to the literary forums, lol. I couldn't find any misakes that the other crits already found, but overall I enjoyed reading it. Also you need to review some pieces before you post anything. At least thats what I was told. You'll have to ask some of the veterens for information like that. Other then that, good job, and welcome to YWS. If you have any questions, just PM me or any of the other crits. When you get 25 reveiws, you can go into the chat. The chat is a lot of fun. I would normally tell you to ask someone for help if you needed it in the chat, but as of the 2nd you now need 25+ reviews to go in.

-Joel-
@(^_^)@
  








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