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1) How old do you think Yazra is? How old do you think she should be?
2) Do you feel you understand Yazra's inner struggle, or do you feel the story would benefit if I expanded further on that aspect of her life?
3) On a scale of one to ten, how random is the Demon Bear? If part four was lengthened and Yazra spilled her guts to him and bonded, what would be his randomness then?
4) What's your opinion on how quickly the plot moves? What do you think of the plot overall? Are there holes?
5) And last but not least...do you feel th story would benefit from more description of the scenery, characters, sights, smells, etc?
“I haven’t even written a page and already it’s corrupted!”
Yazra tucked her new journal into the front of her pants
He’d forget her soon, and grow up to be a nice, decent, and honest young man.
“Don’t lie to me doctor. You didn’t believe that ‘you can do and be anything you set your mind to’ crap either. Thanks for the journal though--so generous of you. Which reminds me…”
Yazra tucked her new journal into the front of her pants and went to lean over the doctor where he sat slumped in his chair, and gave him a warm flirtatious smile, or at least what she hoped was a flirtatious smile.
She looked one last time at her handy work, wondering if anyone would believe he’d committed suicide.
She was sure there would be at least a few people who were happy to see the doctor gone, she highly doubted she was the first girl he’d tried to force himself on.
Or had Mr. Maybell figured it out and shared his discovery where Toby could here it?
Yazra considered this, and considered how to make sure that Toby’s findings never became public knowledge.
“I won’t tell anybody what you did, ok? I’ll miss you.”
Yazra felt tears wetting her eyes and blinked them back. She hated having to say goodbye to the kids, the only who were people so innocent, her corrupted life could not touch them.
“I’ll miss you too buddy. Take good care of your mom and dad, ok?” She gave him a hug and then gently slid from his grasp, patting him on the head.
“Ok!” he assured her, smiling brightly. He’d forget her soon, and grow up to be a nice, decent, honest young man.
I know all about mud cakes: mix the with poison, coat them in special potion twenty-three, and when it is finished cooking it will look and smell like the tastiest pie you’ve ever seen.
Seeing the sky was darkening, she decided it was about time to settle in for the night.
If you just closed your eyes for the whole ‘wtich’ part, she was like any other mother, really.
I guess the real question people would ask is: How, if I was raised in such a twisted environment, I can tell that what my parents did was wrong?
Either because at eight, I’d seen my mother crush a group of angry villagers who’d dared to advance on our home, or because my mother had raised to accept death as a natural part of life, especially when assisted by such tings as poison.
Suddenly a loud and angry roar erupted from the woods, sending silent birds into sudden panicked flight.
Once again a roar permeated through the woods, but this time Yazra heard agony.
It had obviously been in a fight—a spear buried into its side.
Whether to appease her father, the bear, or to remove the temptation of listening to her father; Yazra kicked away the unconscious man.
She kept her eyes locked with the beasts as she slowly reached for the spear.
Short of a mortal and pestle, she’d ground them between two rocks and mixed them with water until it was a thick paste.
Yazra bit her lip, willing herself not to feel happy she’d managed to save this man’s life.
“I’m going to light a fire, then I have to apply a poultice to your wound,” she informed the bear to which he grunted.
Somewhere at the back of her mind, Yazra sensed there was something odd about how easily this bear grasped the meaning of the things she said and unconcerned he was by her presence; it said to her he’d spent time around humans.
To them, it had been just another part of living. They both would have told me how pleased they were to have such dramatic ends.
“I’m off.” Yazra announced, watching the bear tearing away at a dear it had taken down.
I’ve always bee a traveler, since I was on my own.
'bee' should be 'been'.The bear chased them down, jumping on top of the closest and mauling mercilessly.
I think you should put a 'him' after 'mauling'.They trembled so badly their armor rattled loudly.
I don't think the 'loudly' is necessary. It makes the sentence seem awkward and a bit adjective-heavy.Some dark instinct had willed her to save this creature, this beast that now lopped back towards her, almost contented.
'lopped' should be 'loped'.
1) How old do you think Yazra is? How old do you think she should be?
I get the feeling that she's around 16-18-ish. It seems like a good age.2) Do you feel you understand Yazra's inner struggle, or do you feel the story would benefit if I expanded further on that aspect of her life?
This aspect is good as it is, but but I think it might benefit if you added a flashback or something where she's younger, and struggling against her dark side.3) On a scale of one to ten, how random is the Demon Bear? If part four was lengthened and Yazra spilled her guts to him and bonded, what would be his randomness then?
About a 4/10, I think. My favourite series of books (The Chronicles of ancient darkness by Michelle Paver) also have a Demon Bear in them, but I still think it's an original idea. Usually demons are animals like serpents and big cats - I think a bear is a nice change.
I don't think she should completely spill her guts, but the story might benefit from a little more bonding.4) What's your opinion on how quickly the plot moves? What do you think of the plot overall? Are there holes?
I think the plot is quite good. It's interesting and fast-paced, but not too fast. There aren't any plot holes that I can see.5) And last but not least...do you feel th story would benefit from more description of the scenery, characters, sights, smells, etc?
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