Young Writers Society

Ruan remembered a time when she first saw a painting of her mother. It was in a delicate, golden frame, swirls and circles around the beautiful portrait. She was beautiful, dark, black hair with sparkling blue eyes. Her face looked tan, a deep color covering her entire body. The corners of her stupendous red lips were slightly raise. Everybody, even the maids and butlers and villagers, had told her that they looked exactly the same, beautiful.
This Susan reminded her about Mother. Ruan stood there, her jaw clenched together as she stared at the identical twin. She thrust her long leg forward, pushing into the house. It was too.........simple. White plastered walls were everywhere and the only furniture were three couches, a coffee table, drawers, and a fireplace. Awfully simple. Ruan touched a drawer with the tip of her finger, feeling at home at once as the clean, hard surface hit her. She swiveled around, and saw the Susan girl still standing there, mouth agape.
Ruan let out a little chuckle and came towards the shocked girl.
"Would you invite me in?" she laughed, her gestures as pleasant as her sweet little voice.
"Uh-of course. I'd like to talk with you anyways."
Susan led Ruan to one of the couches and sat on the plush green one, her favorite. Susan pulled her skinny legs to her knees and watched as Ruan dusted of the pink couch before sitting.Ruan twirled quickly, her hair flying, and finally settled down, still slightly uncomfortable. Susan scooted forward, her face flushing a light color of pink.
"So, tell me! Please tell me your name. Where are you from? How old are you? How did you find me?" Susan bombarded the girl with as many questions as she could think of.
"Oh, I know your name. Susan Wielf. I am Ruan Weilf. We are alike and different in so many ways. To answer all you questions, I am twelve years old. How did I find you, you ask? It's a long story I reply." Ruan smiled, a mischievous glint rising into her eyes and face.
"Well, why don't you tell me?"
"It's complicated." Ruan said, her hands clasping together and tucked in between her thin tan legs.
"First of all, I have this little.......assistant. His name is Rice and he......retrieves things for me. He said he heard about a girl in Amgola that looked exactly like me. I was so intrigued, so........interested. He researched some more and found your address. Why, we left right away. Who doesn't want to meet an identical twin? Ah, I have a few questions too, Susan Wielf. Why is your mother so..............different from you? My mother looked exactly like me."

"It's complicated too." Susan replied, tearing up on the spot, "She's actually my Aunt Elizabeth and..............my mother died."
Susan couldn't hold back the fighting tears. She covered her face and let out an embarrassed sob. She felt the tears roll down her cheeks and drop onto her hand, becoming cold instantly. Ruan sat there, opening her delicate mouth slowly, "My mother died too. My nannies tell me the story every day. They said that when I was still a baby, Mother came to visit me. There was a knock on the door and my Mother opened the door. A band of evil people charged in, slitting my mother's beautiful throat and stealing me. I-I grew up with them......the bandits. I thought them as............family. But they let me back home at the age of six. I have been at home ever since."
"So exciting....... My mother was killed by a flying thing with metal wings and windows." Susan sobbed harder.
"You mean........a plane?" Ruan sat up, leaning to hear Susan's words clearer.
"I never learned about a plane." Susan replied, lifting her face from her wet hands.
"A plane can only belong to the rich places in the world."
"Do you have a plane?" Susan asked, scared of the horror of seeing it crash down onto her.
"No, my country is in great peril after Mother died. But I will take order once I am thirteen." Ruan smiled, laughing out loud.
"What about.............your father?" Susan felt weird to be talking to this happy princess girl.
"My father? My father left Mother once I was born. He said that a kingdom could not be ruled by a mere girl. He wanted a son to rule the kingdom of Restir."
"My Papa.......I never knew him. He left once I was born too. Except, he didn't want a child at all. He only loved my Mama and her only. He married another woman........barren, she was." Susan sighed sadly, her palms getting sweaty.
Ruan stood up, dusting off her elegant, red dress. She stared down at the dress silently. It was beautiful, collared with pretty gold buttons. There was a thick gold string tied around her thin waist. She wore red slippers, glittery with mini sparkles. She twirled around and walked down the hallway. Susan followed.

Right. First encounter between identical twins. The slight stagnation was great; one should linger on this topic. I am going to red-marker this one again to pick out grammar errors and typos, but your actual writing is great.

katngo73 wrote:Ruan remembered a time when she first saw a painting of her mother.
It was a specific time, so "the" would be more appropriate.
It was in a delicate, golden frame, swirls and circles around the beautiful portrait. She was beautiful, dark, black hair with sparkling blue eyes.
You used beautiful to describe something twice! Replace one with a synonym. Also, relocate that "with" like this: "She was beautiful, dark, with black hair".
Her face looked tan, a deep color covering her entire body.
tanned
The corners of her stupendous red lips were slightly raise. Everybody, even the maids and butlers and villagers, had told her that they looked exactly the same, beautiful.
raised
This Susan reminded her about Mother. Ruan stood there, her jaw clenched together as she stared at the identical twin. She thrust her long leg forward, pushing into the house.
That is unnecessary, since when clenching your jaws, you cannot clench them away from each other.
It was too.........simple. White plastered walls were everywhere and the only furniture were three couches, a coffee table, drawers, and a fireplace. Awfully simple. Ruan touched a drawer with the tip of her finger, feeling at home at once as the clean, hard surface hit her. She swiveled around, and saw the Susan girl still standing there, mouth agape.
Ruan let out a little chuckle and came towards the shocked girl.
"Would you invite me in?" she laughed, her gestures as pleasant as her sweet little voice.
"Uh-of course. I'd like to talk with you anyways."
Susan led Ruan to one of the couches and sat on the plush green one, her favorite. Susan pulled her skinny legs to her knees and watched as Ruan dusted of the pink couch before sitting.Ruan twirled quickly, her hair flying, and finally settled down, still slightly uncomfortable. Susan scooted forward, her face flushing a light color of pink.
"So, tell me! Please tell me your name. Where are you from? How old are you? How did you find me?" Susan bombarded the girl with as many questions as she could think of.
"Oh, I know your name. Susan Wielf. I am Ruan Weilf. We are alike and different in so many ways. To answer all you questions, I am twelve years old. How did I find you, you ask? It's a long story I reply." Ruan smiled, a mischievous glint rising into her eyes and face.
your
"Well, why don't you tell me?"
"It's complicated." Ruan said, her hands clasping together and tucked in between her thin tan legs.
"First of all, I have this little.......assistant. His name is Rice and he......retrieves things for me. He said he heard about a girl in Amgola that looked exactly like me. I was so intrigued, so........interested. He researched some more and found your address. Why, we left right away. Who doesn't want to meet an identical twin? Ah, I have a few questions too, Susan Wielf. Why is your mother so..............different from you? My mother looked exactly like me."
Lets stop right here. Look at all those double ellipses. Three dots are enough to indicate a pause and not used so often. It is a bit distracting.

"It's complicated too." Susan replied, tearing up on the spot, "She's actually my Aunt Elizabeth and..............my mother died."
Susan couldn't hold back the fighting tears. She covered her face and let out an embarrassed sob.
I don't know if this is intentional, but as it is, it reads to my mind: the tears are warriors fighting Susan's restrictions! Try some clarification.
She felt the tears roll down her cheeks and drop onto her hand, becoming cold instantly. Ruan sat there, opening her delicate mouth slowly, "My mother died too. My nannies tell me the story every day. They said that when I was still a baby, Mother came to visit me. There was a knock on the door and my Mother opened the door. A band of evil people charged in, slitting my mother's beautiful throat and stealing me. I-I grew up with them......the bandits. I thought them as............family. But they let me back home at the age of six.
That is not classic bandit behaviour. Maybe she escaped? Was rescued?
I have been at home ever since."
"So exciting....... My mother was killed by a flying thing with metal wings and windows." Susan sobbed harder.
"You mean........a plane?" Ruan sat up, leaning to hear Susan's words clearer.
"I never learned about a plane." Susan replied, lifting her face from her wet hands.
"A plane can only belong to the rich places in the world."
"Do you have a plane?" Susan asked, scared of the horror of seeing it crash down onto her.
"No, my country is in great peril after Mother died. But I will take order once I am thirteen." Ruan smiled, laughing out loud.
"What about.............your father?" Susan felt weird to be talking to this happy princess girl.
"My father? My father left Mother once I was born. He said that a kingdom could not be ruled by a mere girl. He wanted a son to rule the kingdom of Restir."
"My Papa.......I never knew him. He left once I was born too. Except, he didn't want a child at all. He only loved my Mama and her only.
Remove the first only.
He married another woman........barren, she was." Susan sighed sadly, her palms getting sweaty.
Ruan stood up, dusting off her elegant, red dress. She stared down at the dress silently. It was beautiful, collared with pretty gold buttons. There was a thick gold string tied around her thin waist.
String is traditionally thin. How about cord, or rope?
She wore red slippers, glittery with mini sparkles. She twirled around and walked down the hallway. Susan followed.

Great stuff! Susan has an accurate reaction to finding out who her royal twin sister is! Love it. I'll check out Chapter 5 next. By the way, you spelt the titles wrong a few times. That is slightly off-putting, so take care!

Keep writing, I'm reading!