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Supreme Team: Chapter 2 Fire Burning



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Fri Nov 04, 2011 4:03 pm
stevensmith05 says...



Chapter Two: Fire Burning
It was a freezing cold night; however it was exceptionally dry so there was a cruel blustering wind. The trees were bending back in forth, the owl’s whistled spookily. You would wonder if you were there why the hell anybody would be camping there; such an uninviting place. The reason was we did not want to pay to camp on the proper site; where rule breaking teenagers remember looking for adventure. Ha! We got it all right. So we broke into the out of bounds bit. If we only knew what would happen. Would we dare go back there get the powers, which would be given to us? A night, which would revolutionize the future of our planet.

We were gathered round the burning a blazed campfire; I spent hours with them god dam cheap matches from Tesco and small pieces of dry wood attempting to light the fire, which was hard to find considering it had bombarded down with heavy rain the day before. It was Joe who finally got the fire going in the end; him and Dan soon after I had give up. Typical. Joe always loved the smell of matches however I was never sure why I did not find the smell particularly appetizing. I found the whole thing very ironic seeing as I could set anything even you on fire with a click of my fingers, even you. There was a great energy in the camp; everyone was optimistic for the future, full of hope. Music blasted, Wonderwall by Oasis to be accurate. It was our group favorite, which we always sung under the influence with all our passion, which showed love for the group. We are not gay though ha-ha. I just a real tight nit bunch of lads; well we were. They are the times I wish I could go back to them moments actually all the time.

I sat in my green camping chair; with my can of delicious Strongbow Cider sat comfortably in my cup holder and a bag of Magic Stars In the other holder; a weird combination I know. But it was the life Memories of days like this is amazing. I had on my left side Dan looking rather sick as he always did when he had been drinking vodka so every couple of minutes made sure to hurl a magic star off. This was to make sure he was still among the living. His hair was dark and spiky; always had been can’t remember seeing him with his hair down to be honest. He was a skinny guy but had monster guns, which could knock your head off, actually would not mess. He however loved guy always caring about others rather than himself; it is amazing what power can do to individuals, as you will find out. As it says in Spiderman with great power come great responsibility and it was interesting to see who could handle the power. It might not be who you expect it to be. While I’m talking about Dan I might as well talk about the other lad’s who were present the night of reckoning. He wasn’t bothered by the cold he was immense and strong; a figure of strength so sat in just a simple tee or you could see it from another prospective. That would be he is a total idiot.

There was Scott with his substantially thick brown hair and naive look however quite often always angry, with something to whimper about; however one of my best friends. Think he wanted to be a lawyer or something before his transformation. I will tell you more about his powers and that later when my tale develops and things begin to amend. He is one of my most complex friends; unsure of where his loyalty’s lye. He was drinking cider and was going a pale colour comparable to a steal shade, which is once again ironic, as you will find out. I remember him specifically complaining about the wintry conditions. He didn’t and still
Doesn’t like the cold. He was shivering violently; as he was slim even though he ate and he ate endlessly but yet had so very little to keep him warm apart from a couple of minor designer jumpers (Jack and Jones to be specific). You may have worked out this was an all boy gathering; enjoying the great out doors as lads should at this age really.

Opposite from me was Lewis an absolute great lad, not a bad bone in his body. He was a wonderfully talented footballer, tall and skinny which was the recipe for him being amazingly quick. Lew also had short blonde spiky hair which was pretty swiftly. I think this night hurt him more then anyone; losing his chance to be a potential footballer damaged him psychologically; deeper then I could even imagine. It angered him immensely. He was now however for now excited; sitting back and relaxing with his brother slurping on a can; Strongbow like me the boy had taste. He was also a boy in love which makes his story all the more sadder. God how many of us were there that night? A lot is the answer. I will tell you more about him and the others as we go along the dark road, which I call my life.

My friend David was like the leader of the group, the chief organizer of sort. He was drinking some green shot’s not sure what they were; but they were having the desired affect. , He was very much one for the lady’s with never a hair out of place as it was gelled slickly to the left. It gives him a fashionable look and his clothes matched this. I did admire him greatly. I had known him literally all my life so he held a special place with me. It’s too bad I could not save him.

We however soon had to quicken in pace as we heard people approaching us, we thought it must of been park keepers it was Lewis to run! Cory was out in front smashing through the tree’s and bushes like a bulldozer with his great pace and strength. I had not known Cory as long as others but we had really bonded, he was not as tall as some of us but he was as strong or stronger with his hair also to the left with brown and blonde highlights. He also had a distinctively broken nose however this did not decrease his charm. I was lagging towards the back, as I was very interested to see who it was; either way we were darting towards destiny. I never actually to this date found out who or what it was we heard. We were edging closer and closer to the shoreline of the humungous reservoir. Surrounded by tall tree’s which way swaying violently in the wind.

The sounds behind us were distancing but the adrenaline was already in full circuit; pumping through our veins which meant our speed only increased as we raced towards the lake. Would we try to swim to the other side; would we stop in our tracks, I wasn’t really sure at the Lewis however I was soon to find out. Cory was first to hit the water with an almighty splash to be followed by Joe who I have yet to speak about but he is one of the guys who did not cross the line of the law. He was only medium height but his body was toned incomparably, which he was proud of. His hair was blonde highlights quite long and gelled. He was another right charmer of the group however he also had lass; had done for a long time.

The rest of us crashed into the water close behind with Martin Watts or as he’s well known egg lagging behind at the back trying to get a glimpse of what was behind us. He was the cleverest out of us nailing all his exams; probably had a great future a head He had brown hair short on the sides and swept neatly to the right the first sign that he loved to party. We were all quite comfortable swimmers apart from Gregg who was struggling; he often got a lot of grief but he was a lovely guy the kind of one I wish I could have had on my side. He was skinny however tall and was strong minded and strong willed.


By Ste x :D
  





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Fri Nov 04, 2011 5:28 pm
IntelligentlyStupid says...



All in all, i think this is pretty good mate, but there is a spelling discrepency that i caught.
... with them god dam cheap matches from Tesco...


In that sense, the word is spelt "damn", as dam means like a beaver dam or power dam, Thats all.
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Fri Nov 04, 2011 5:29 pm
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Leahweird says...



This is a good chapter too. Although I think are having problems with run on sentences. I would recommend trying to keep your thoughs more septerated.

I like the dynamic of this group, and you have great forshdowing going on. there was on spot though, when you talk about his powers
Joe always loved the smell of matches however I was never sure why I did not find the smell particularly appetizing. I found the whole thing very ironic seeing as I could set anything even you on fire with a click of my fingers, even you.
I don't think you need to mention the irony of this. Most readers are perceptive enough to remember his name and put the peices together. If you did that the irony you mention later might be more effective.

Also, you used lad a couple of times, and it's the kind of word that stands out. I would consider finding a synonym.

This line
A night, which would revolutionize the future of our planet.
doesn't seem to be attached to anything.

Thanks for another good read!
  





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Wed Nov 09, 2011 6:25 pm
Stori says...



The trees were bending back in forth, the owl’s whistled spookily.


Not a gigantic error, but it should be 'back and forth.' Also, that apostrophe isn't needed here.

where rule breaking teenagers remember looking for adventure.


Was this perhaps meant to be "we were"?

We were gathered round the burning a blazed campfire;


Either 'a blazing campfire' or a burning one ought to work.
  





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Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:03 pm
Audrey718 says...



Ok. I saw that a lot of people edited your story a bit. Sadly, I caught a lot more grammar errors. So here we go:
"Dam" is technically spelled "Damn" when it comes to the cursing form.
Also, your obssessed with semicolons.
It was a freesing cold night; however it was exceptionally dry so there was a cruel blustering wind.

I reccomend that you rid of the semicolon and just place a period. Capitilize 'however' and put a comma after 'dry.'

The trees were bending back in forth, the owl’s whistled spookily.


Ironic, you didn't use a semicolon here. Umm... you should put dashes (--) in place of the comma, or a semicolon. This is a run on sentence. You could also just put a period in. :)

You would wonder if you were there why the hell anybody would be camping there; such an uninviting place.

Here's my corrected version: You would wonder, if you were there, why the hell anybody would be camping there it was such an uninviting place.
The reason was we did not want to pay to camp on the proper site; where rule breaking teenagers remember looking for adventure.

Replace the semi colon with a period--it just goes better. Chance 'where' to 'were' and capitilize it. I suggest you either put commas before & after remember OR just get rid of it all together.

Ha! We got it all right. So we broke into the out of bounds bit. If we only knew what would happen. Would we dare go back there get the powers, which would be given to us? A night, which would revolutionize the future of our planet.


Edited version: Ha! We got it all right. So we brok into the out-of-bounds bit. If we only knew what would happen. Would we dare go back there to get the powers that would be given to us? A night which would revolutionize the future of our planet? (If it's not a question, just put a period.)

Ok from now on, I'm just going to change the story--my corrects will be red.
[/color][/color]
We were gathered round the burning a blazed campfire. I spent hours with them god dam*damn cheap matches from Tesco and small pieces of dry wood attempting to light the fire,Change the comma to a period. The wood whichdelete this word was hard to find considering it had bombarded down with heavy rain the day before. It was Joe who finally got the fire going in the end;no semicolon him and Dan soon after I had give up. Typical. Joe always loved the smell of matchesperiod howevercapitalize and comma I was never sure why I did not find the smell particularly appetizing. I found the whole thing very ironic dashes would work best here. Something to make the reader pause during their reading.seeing as I could set anything even youyou say this twice (here and the end of the snetence) you should choose just one. on fire with a click of my fingers, even you. There was a great energy in the camp;This is fine, but I would personally prefer dashes or a period. everyone was optimistic for the future, full of hope. Music blasted, Wonderwall by OasisThis need to be italized because it is a title of a song to be accurate. It was our group favorite, which we always sung under the influence with all our passion, which showed love for the group.Run on sentence alert! Not only is it a run-on, but it doesn't flow either. You've kind of lost me here. I mean I understand the main point, but I don't get what all the other details mean and what they are describing. We are not gay though ha-ha.Ha-ha should be its own sentence. INo 'I.' just a real tight nit bunch of lads; well we wereYou don't need to say 'well we were.' It's like your clarifying the matter--something unneccesary and rythem destroying.. They are the times I wish I could go back to themYour character hasn't had an accent thus far, so either this was a mistake and you should change it to 'those' OR change the whole passage to be with that slight incorrect grammar accent. moments actually all the time.
By Ste x :D[/quote]
Ok, this was a lot of work in it's self. ^^ *Phew* Umm, I did read the whole story. It was really good except for the grammar errors. I hope you read all this, because it took a LONG time. Umm...if you want I can finish editing everything. Although, if you want to enhance your grammar you should read this out loud to yourself (or someone else) and find the areas that don't make sense.
Hope I haven't been to harsh about your story! :S It was a really great read and hooked me from the beginning despite the classic first sentence. I'll be reading more when I get a chance!
Audrey
Noble Strength
  








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