Young Writers Society

Here's a chapter that I decided to make different from anything I've ever done. Let's see how you guys will respond. Enjoy!


Chapter 5: Asteroid 36N
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Board Journal of ship «Atala», model 855-2-S - Led by Captain Fared Junior

March 23rd, 12:06:35
Atala has left base in Sector 11 at 12:00 (GMT+2).
Aim of mission: examine the biosphere located on asteroid 36N, and collect samples of living organisms and soil.

12:30:05
Atala has left the Solar System, approaching asteroid 36N.
Predicted time of arrival: 12:59:58.

13:00:00
Atala touchdown at asteroid 36N. Collector bots sent out at 13:02:14.

15:24:06
Bots returned with samples. Course set back to home.

16:00:00
Samples returned to base in Sector 11. Investigation of samples needed.
Atala awaiting further instructions.

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March 24th, 18:48:49
A piece of a report on collected samples from Asteroid 36N.
... though matter and living organisms collected from asteroid contain samples which differ from anything found on other asteroids. All samples have been classified and places in containers 1376-B.
One sample of soil components and one sample of plant matter has sent to laboratory in sector 15 due to an abnormality, which could not be identified by...

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March 24th, 22:45:07
Extract from a letter sent by General McFlein to Capitain Fahed Junior.
... I suggest you classify this as an urgent request, though I ask not to alarm any members of your team, as we are still not sure of the details...
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March 25th, 00:00:04
Atala has left base at Sector 11 at the request of General McFlein to repeat collection of soil samples on asteroid 36N.

00:40:46
Collecting bots sent for collection of soil samples for further analysis on main planet.

00:53:57
Bots collected samples of soil and living organisms. Pictures taken.

01:36:32
Samples delivered to sector 15.
Atala awaiting further orders.

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Extract from a report investigating pictures taken:
03:50:20
...reveal several abnormalities, which can only be identified and explained once the asteroid is available for investigation. The living organisms and the structure of plant life is not common for asteroids at all. As this case holds such new discoveries, I suggest the samples need to be examined and sent off to another sector for...

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Extract from a report of soil samples on asteroid 36N.
03:58:48
... upon further investigation, it appears that the soil contains an element previously unknown to our science, but we cannot learn more about the mysterious substance unless a full examination of the asteroid is made possible. The elements in the soil affect, or may be the cause of, the plants and living organisms on the asteroid...

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March 30th, an extract from a newspaper article:
... an asteroid, the course of which has been adjusted to the orbit of the planet, is being investigated right now. We cannot make predictions on what the asteroid contains, as the journalists aren’t let into sector 15. What is so special about this asteroid? What could it contain? New forms of plant or alien life? It’s hard to think that there’s something the scientists haven’t discovered yet. We are awaiting details, but for now, all we can do is wait...

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A letter from Capitain Fared Junior to General McFlein:
Sir,
The situation requires our immediate reaction. A new form of alien life has been found on the asteroid, which seemed unbelievable to me, as the asteroid is so small in relativity to others we have studied. But it is very true, as I have seen the creatures myself. Sir, I advise that we shut down the department from the general public.
***
An extract from the newspaper report, March 27th.
...Sector 15 was shut down this morning, and all the press is no longer allowed in a 20km radius. All the information we could gather was from a worker in the sector, who said that the scientists have found a virus which could be potentially very dangerous. Once again, all we can do is make assumptions - though I wouldn’t come close to the research sectors any longer. Find out what the doctors have to say about the situation on page 17...

***
A letter from General McFlein to Captain Fared Junior:
March 29th, 05:04:49

...Shut down access to all sectors.

I really like this chapter. It build suspense better then the other two chapter's and though, at first it was a little bit hard to follow, the idea of suspense is looming. The only issue i find with this story so far is that the action that is happening in each chapter is a little unrelated to the chapter that went before it. I am a little lost in the story but the technique of this chapter is all there. The simplicity of it held my attention and the scientific smile. I think it was risk to write like this, but it paid off. All i think you need to do is some how make these three chapters fit together, it maybe that your jumping around in time but to keep the reader hooked you need to get into the main plot of the story. Overall good work i can't wait to read more

Hey there Polink,

I'm surprised at the approach you took in this chapter. It seemed, hmm... what's the word I'm searching for, unique but also concise in telling only what is necessary. I like the scientific feel of the chapter and I'm sure you have a specific reason for choosing to write this way, but I'll let the surprise overwhelm me when it comes. For now, I'll go along with what you write,

Mistakes

Board Journal of ship «Atala», model 855-2-S

I'm not sure if "Board Journal" is the exact word that should be here. Try logbook, because that's where in real life certain transports records their daily events.

All samples have been classified and places in containers 1376-B.

"placed"

Extract from a report of soil samples on asteroid 36N.

This should be "Extracted from a report on soil samples collected from asteroid 36N."

which seemed unbelievable to me, as the asteroid is so small in relativity to the others we have studied.

Should be "... so small relative to the others..."

and all the press is no longer allowed in a 20km radius.

All the information we could gather was from a worker in the sector,

It should be, "The only information we could gather was from a worker in the sector,"

Plot

You've introduced a lot into the plot since the first chapter. I'm not sure how they are connected to each other, but I'm sure that you have it all worked out. But I have a slight problem about the plot. Now, when I read the 1st chapter, it seemed like any story regarding war and bloodshed, with guns and all the other weapons. In the 2nd chapter, you talk about spirits and implied that the war portrayed in the first chapter was a war between humans and spirits. And then in this chapter, you mention spaceships that have the ability to travel to an asteroid away from our solar system in merely an hour. So, what I'm confused about is, what is the timeline and setting that your story is based on?

The first chapter seems like it's based on the modern timeline and setting. The second chapter, relatively modern but still feels futuristic. Then this chapter feels so futuristic that I cannot even think of the timeline it's set in. Even for fantasy stories, it's good to have a timeline based on the real world. It helps the reader to imagine the setting a lot more easily.

As this chapter is basically extracts from various logs and reports, I won't comment under "Descriptions and character development"

Writing Style

I like the way you wrote this, basically because it gives us a lot of content in a few, concise words. It also shows how you can give us a clear idea about what you are trying to say, without writing a huge amount of description. I also like how you added the exact date and time of the records, improving the realism of the story. It gives the reader the impression that he/she is actually reading a logbook, rather than a story. So well done on that.

Overall

It was a good chapter, precise and concisely written. But I hope you have a way of connecting all the three chapters.

Good luck

- C -

Hiya Polinka! Back again for another review!

First off, I really admire attempting such a unique format for this chapter. It's very well done, and super interesting. However, I don't see how this fits in with the previous chapters. Thus far you've provided us with three distinctly different chapters in terms of subject, two of which are similar in format whereas the third has a completely new format. While you have done each one well, they don't particularly fit together.

It seems to me that this chapter here ought to be removed. Upon reading it, I don't see how it fits with the first two chapters content-wise (the first two have a rather strong tie through the war happening - though I suppose I'm only assuming its the same war). A novel can work switching between two viewpoints (Delem and Felix) even if the content isn't exactly the same (so long as they converge somewhere into the same general line of action), but this format change out of the blue is jarring and confusing as a reader particularly since this information doesn't seem to connect to anything previously presented.

The only way I could see this working is if the chapters continued on the same cycle: Delem, Felix, weird-format-thing. It would still be rather hard to pull off, but having the pattern makes the changes deliberate and a reader can typically come to accept it.

Other than that, awesome chapter. If you end up cutting it, I could see this sort of format being a great standalone short story which might be an interesting option to pursue! Now, I'm off to the fourth chapter! ^^

Keep writing!

-Lauren-