Young Writers Society

Prologue:
I entitle these tales ‘My Coven’ because it is my life and me telling the tales of how I met my friends and eventually created a coven with their help. To most these will be nothing more than mere stories of a gothic writer, but believe as you will.
Let me, before I truly begin, start with my name and a basic background of myself: I am called Nozomi Yun, the adopted child of Manchu Yun. Manchu was a shaolin master who in turn trained me to be his equal, I favoured staff battles. I am, obviously of Chinese origins and am a 3732 year old vampire, I was created during the late years of the Shang dynasty in 1721BC. You may, or may not, learn more of me in the coming tales.

People for many hundreds of years have believed that when a body dies its soul, or spirit, is set free. It is a little known fact that this isn’t strictly true. The spirit of someone or something usually stays with the body until it is released, and to do this you must destroy the body. This is usually done by the method of cremation. To create a vampire you must release the spirit without destroying the body, this is usually done at the point of near death. Unfortunately the method for actually doing this is a rare piece of intelligence, some of the even older among us still retain this information however they are somewhat reluctant to share it. Humans created vampires. It was an accident, obviously, but nevertheless they created us and yet in all the mortals’ literature they seek to destroy us for we are ‘monsters’. We can only be destroyed by losing our souls to the fire. As for the blood drinking, I shall explain: For all intents and purposes our bodies are dead and continually need to be replenished by new blood, and over the millennia that we have existed we have developed means to survive. We sleep during the day because we are somewhat ‘allergic’ to sunlight, the UV rays penetrate our skin then proceed to ignite our blood. The fangs I doubt need explanation but for the ‘not so bright’, they are needed to be able to break the skin of our victims. Our intensified features are simply because our form is what a true spirit looks like, the body is only a dull replica of its soul. When you read modern vampire novels or stories they often talk about being able to sense other night dwellers, well this, for the most part, is true: Although you can only sense others who are not of the same creator.

Hello! This is a very nice prologue and I should know because I'm forever writing them!

You've chosen to write this in first person, which is nice becasue it is different. Personally I find it very hard but I am glad to see someone trying at it!! O.k, let's get on with the review:

Firstly, you don't need to add every bit of detail about your character. Prologues are used to give mystery and pull the reader in, as well as give a back story to the actual novel. If I can make the suggestion, keep about the vampire but leave out the age. You can add this info in later in the novel without the reader missing it too much.

Secondly, there are a few grammar mistakes:

When you read modern vampire novels or stories they often talk about being able to sense other night dwellers, well this, for the most part, is true: Although you can only sense others who are not of the same creator.

The capital in "Although" needs to be a lower case because you haven't started a new sentence yet.

You may, or may not, learn more of me in the coming tales.

Grammar is certainly not my forte, so I may be wrong here, but I feel that you need to put a colon at the end of this instead of a full-stop because it would lead more smoothly into the next bit. But that's up to you

Lastley, I like how you go through all the parts of the vampire. It really gives a detailed set up for the characters I 'm guessing will appear in the rest of the novel. Nicely done

I really like this, there isn't much to review but it was only a short piece. That's fine though, because this is only the prologue! Keep up the great first person skills and if you have any queries PM me or post something on my wall, Midnight x

I liked this because the explanations.. well, thay basically explained everything. When I read vampire books, they almost always never explain why vampires are vampires. I thought that you could have held back a few ideas for the rest of the story, but as this is a first draft (just guessing that) you did a pretty good job. I was interested, and the first lines really drew me in. I liked your style of writing, not too modern. I wished you had rounded it off better at the end, though. But overall - really great job! I love it if you wrote more!
-Anna

Hey!
First off, I loved it. I thought it gave a really good, strong start to the novel.
Maybe you could have held off on a few of the smaller details to begin with, you don't want to give too much away. Keep the reader guessing!

Betheny wrote:You may, or may not, learn more of me in the coming tales.

This part, for example...if you are wanting to tell the reader about Nozomi, about her life and history, you shouldn't need to tell them that they may not be learning about her after all, since the story itself is about her.
Vampire novels are INCREDIBLY popular at the moment, as we've all evidently learnt from...twilight. There, I said it.
Not the greatest example, since vampires...well...do not sparkle.
Anyway, the point is that new, fresh vampire stories have to be so unique and completely original. Yours is a great example of this, and I particularly loved the Chinese origins element of it. It brings a new approach, a new culture to vampires.
Keep up the great work, I'd like to see where you go with this! You need an epic story line to boost up the facts, some action and romance, maybe?
So far, so good
x

It seems like you have a good idea for a novel here, however, you do not need this prologue.

It is my personal opinion that prologues should be used sparingly and in very rare cases. The basic purpose of a prologue is to entice the reader forward, to make them want to read more. Sometimes this is done by providing a snippet of an intense scene usually from the climax of a novel. Other times, a prologue is used as a mini-story that is completely separate from the main body of the novel. In other words, you should be able to understand the novel without reading the prologue. The prologue and the novel should only be distantly related.

What you have here is what we call an infodump. Where you just tell the reader a lot of information that they do not really need to know at this moment. You do have good information, and your interpretation of the lore surrounding vampires is interesting, but you do not need to tell us all about it now. You can reveal all this information slowly and over time in scenes in the main body of your novel. You can intersperse this information throughout the action and your character's interactions. This will give the reader time to absorb all the information that you have here, and give you an opportunity to write some cool scenes.

If you want some tips on how to create cool scenes, you might want to check out this article:
Show and Tell by CastlesInTheSky

Your ideas are good and above all, just keep writing. The more time you spend on it, the better you will get. If you have any comments or questions feel free to drop me a note on my wall or via PM!

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