Worlds of Serendipity (prologue)

Prologue


She was a deep contrast with the white snow. Her strikingly black robes floated behind her, failing to shield her from the cold. She crossed her arms, hoping it would help, but her long cotton sleeves did her no good in the storm that was descending on her.

She walked a long distance, until her feet no longer fell deep into several feet of snow. Once she was to a point where there were no frozen drops, she stopped. This was where it was too dark for the sun to break through, and too cold for any sort of blizzard. Her deep blue eyes shot up from the ground and looked ahead of her. She no longer saw snow blanketing the ground, but a wide span of ice that never seemed to end. This was the lake she had been searching for.

When she reached the edge, she removed her robes. Before that point she had silently complained about them, but now that they were off she was thankful. Then she removed her boots carefully and slowly, hoping to prevent the dagger stashed in one of them from scraping her calf. She was now down to the basics: her tight black pants and her long-sleeved shirt, and was so cold her body couldn’t manage a shiver to warm her.

She picked up the dagger and stepped her bare foot onto the ice. If her feet hadn’t stuck, she would have fallen. With each step, she could feel her skin ripping off. After a few seconds, blood remained as her footprints.

When she couldn’t walk any more, she fell onto her knees and started sawing the ice. It wasn’t that thick, so her short knife made a large dent. After minutes of sawing, a hole large enough to sneak her slender body through was formed.

She sat for a moment, hugging her knees. The air was so dry and cold, even the simple lick of her lips frightened her, as if her tongue was her feet and her lips were the ice. She thought about why she was out there, and if she actually wanted to do this. It’s the right choice, she said to herself. I can’t do what they expect me to do.

Everyone believed that she could.

She dove headfirst into the water, ignoring the calls from a faraway voice, a voice whose owner following her bloody prints from the edge of the lake. He called for her, lusted for life. He craved her survival, but only for selfish reasons.

He ran as fast as he could, ignoring the fact that his breath couldn’t keep up with what was needed from his lungs. His soft black hair, blowing behind him and in front of him, blocked his vision so that he noticed she had already jumped only when he reached the hole.

He shouted a booming “No!” into the air, then removed his emerald robe and jumped in after her.

The water contained chunks of floating ice that were in his way, but he continued to swim lower and lower. The faster he swam, the darker his vision became, but his amber eyes provided the light he needed to find her spiraling body.

He plunged just a few feet lower to catch up with her, but she was already limp, and her skin already frozen. He tightened his arms around her waist and swam upward.

The journey wasn't easily managed. It was more than just a few feet up, and the hole that could fit their bodies now looked like it could barely fit his shoe. But he swam, not because he knew the worlds depended on it, but because his sanity did.

Alright, so, I like this, yes, it was an interesting beginning. For your first sentence I wanted to know what was going on, which is good, because thats the point of a prologue.
The one thing, and I feel like in splitting hairs here, is, although I like you you kept her nameless, you over used the word 'She', but I don't think there a way you could not avoid it.
Just, maybe watch that?

Hope that helped (Somewhat)
~WickedWonder

I quite liked this. It has a sense of mystery about it that draws people in. The first paragraph is enough to get people interested enough to want to read the entire thing, which is something that many published authors lack. You should be proud. Something else that I really want to say is that I didn't find any spelling errors (This is so rare) and that makes you one of my favorite people ever. It also means I'm not the only one who's a little nutty when it comes to spelling.
Be proud of your work, it is a lovely piece and I can't wait for the next chapter.
All the best,
-Kit

Tiger here to review the most anticipated novel on YWS! Comments shall be in bold.

captain.classy wrote:

Worlds of Serendipity

Prologue


She was a deep contrast with the white snow. This sounds confusing, and isn't completely clear. What about her is in contrast with the white snow? Her dark appearance contrasted sharply with the white snow might go better. Her strikingly black robes floated on the wind behind her, failing to shield her from the cold. She crossed her arms, hoping it would help, but her long cotton sleeves did her no good in protecting her from the storm that was descending on her either. Adding on her makes it sound as if the storm is above her specifically, and touches nothing else. It's a bit too precise.

She walked a long distance, until her feetfootsteps were no longer fellseveral feet deep into the several feet of snow. Once she wasto had reached a point where there were no frozen drops, she stopped. This was where it was both too dark for the sun to break through the clouds, and too cold for any sort of blizzard I like how you wrote the sentence, but I don't completely understand it. Are you saying that she walked in the blizzard until it ended, but once it had gone there was still no sunlight? And how can it be too cold for a blizzard?. Her deep blue eyes shot up from the ground and looked ahead of her. She no longer saw snow blanketing the ground, but a wide span of ice that neverdidn't seemed to end for as far as she could see. This was the lake she had been searching for.

When she reached the edge, she removed her robes. Before that point, she had silently complained about them, This might work better as: Before, as she walked, their weight had disturbed her to the point of annoyance, but now that they were off, she was thankful. Then she removed her boots carefully and slowly, hoping to prevent the dagger stashed in one of them from scraping scraping sounds like you're talking about ice or something. Maybe you should try cutting or wounding her calf . She was now down to the basics: her tight black pants and her long-sleeved shirt. She was so cold her body couldn’t manage a shiver to warm her up.

She picked up the dagger and stepped rested one herbare foot onto the ice. If her feet hadn’t stuck to the cold surface, she would have fallen. With each step she took, she could feel her skin ripping off away. After a few steps, blood remained as her footprints.

When she couldn’t walk any more, she fell onto her knees and started sawing cutting. Unless she actually has a saw in her hand the ice. It wasn’t that thick, so her short knife made a large dent went in fairly deep on the first incision When you say 'made a large dent', it sounds like she's smacking it with a hammer. After minutes of sawing cutting, a hole large enough to sneakslip her slender body through was formed.

She sat for a moment, hugging her knees. The air was so dry and cold, even the simple lick of her lips frightened her, as if her tongue was her feet and her lips were the ice. The meaning of this part of the sentence is not very clear. Perhaps you should describe it more. She thought about why she was out there, and if she actually wanted to do this. It’s the right choice italicize to differentiate, she said to herself. I can’t do what they expect me to do.
Oh, is she running away?

But everyone believed that she could.

She dove headfirst into the water, ignoring the calls from a faraway voice, a voice whose owner was running towards her from the edge of the lake, following her bloody prints. He called for her, lusted for life Lust is a craving for sex. Perhaps you should use another word. He craved her survival, but only for his own selfish reasons.

So he ran as fast as he could, ignoring the fact that his breath couldn’t keep up with what was needed from his lungs This does make sense, but it would be a lot simpler as: ignoring the limitations of his body or despite his physical tiredness. Just a suggestion. His soft black hair this isn't really a necessary description to add here. It might be if someone was touching his hair, but that's not the case here, blowingbillowing behind him and in front of him, blocked his vision so that he noticed she had already jumped only when he had already reached the hole.

He shouted a booming “No!” into the air, then removed his emerald robe and jumped in after her.

The water contained chunks of floating ice that were in his way, but he continued to swim lower and lower. The faster he swam, the darker his vision became, but he knew he had to find her. His yellow eyes provided the light So I take it they are both some sort of fantasy creature? he needed to spot her starting blues, and so he soon caught sight of her.

He plunged his body just a few feet swam lower deeper and faster to catch up with her sinking body. But she was already limp, and her skin already frozen. He tightened his arms around her waist and swam upward.

The journey wouldn’t be easily managed. It was more than just a few feet up, and the hole that could fit their bodies now looked like it could barely fit his shoe. But he swam, not because he knew the worlds depended on it, but also because his sanity did.

All in all, this is an interesting start. I'm curious to know what everyone is depending on the girl for, what her relationship with the man is, and whether they are human or not. This is a strange world you've created, in that so far the main action seems to happen in some sort of Arctic wasteland. Then again, I suppose this is just the beginning.

I don't have many nitpicks, the ones I've pointed out are really just lines which you can shorten to make it easier to read, and some things that weren't entirely clear and should maybe be explained more. But this is a fantastic start; it pulls the reader in and makes us want to know more. Great job, and KEEP WRITING!

Tiger

Since you gave me such awesome reviews, I though I should attempt to return the favour, although I doubt my review will be nearly as awesome as yours

captain.classy wrote:She was a deep contrast with the white snow.

The first line is a little confusing- saying "she" was in contrast with the snow makes me think that you will describe a number of ways in which she contrasts with it. However, you only suggest one way. I think that you should either specify what about her contrasts with the snow in the first line- "Her apparel"- or describe more ways in which she contrasts.

captain.classy wrote:She crossed her arms, hoping it would help, but her long cotton sleeves did her no good in the storm that was descending on her.

"In" the storm seems a little awkward. Maybe "against?"

captain.classy wrote:She walked a long distance, until her feet no longer fell deep into several feet of snow. Once she was to a point where there were no frozen drops, she stopped. This was where it was too dark for the sun to break through, and too cold for any sort of blizzard. Her deep blue eyes shot up from the ground and looked ahead of her.

A few of the phrases here are also a little awkward. I think the reason why I'm finding this awkward is because this is an excerpt from a later point in the novel, when the reader has had time to become familiar with your interesting way of describing things. However, reading this part right away is a bit of a shock to the reader, so it doesn't seem to flow quite properly. I would suggest using a little more conventional language for this part, to ease your reader into your writing style.

captain.classy wrote:Before that point, she had silently complained about them, but now that they were off, she was thankful.

Is she thankful for her robes, or thankful that she has taken them off?

captain.classy wrote:If her feet hadn’t stuck, she would have fallen. With each step she took, she could feel her skin ripping off. After a few steps, blood remained as her footprints.

EWWWW. I FEEL the skin ripping off my feet!!!! This is AWESOME!

captain.classy wrote:It’s the right choice, she said to herself. I can’t do what they expect me to do.

Personally, I find it helpful (and easier to understand) if the character's thoughts are in italics.

captain.classy wrote:She dove headfirst into the water, ignoring the calls from a faraway voice, a voice whose owner was running towards her from the edge of the lake, following her bloody prints. He called for her, lusted for life. He craved her survival, but only for his own selfish reasons.

This is an awesome paragraph. I want to know more - I LOVE selfish characters

captain.classy wrote:The water contained chunks of floating ice that were in his way,

"Contained" seems to be a relatively neutral word to use, considering the frustration that your character is feeling towards the ice right now.

captain.classy wrote:starting blues

Generally I dislike it when authors use descriptive words for eyes, because I find that they often sound unintentionally tacky.

captain.classy wrote:But he swam, not because he knew the worlds depended on it, but because his sanity did.

A great ending line! I want MORE.

OVERALL:
You've definitely achieved the main goal of a prologue - I want to find out what happens next!
However, sometimes I find that your choice of descriptive words is slightly odd.

I am interested in the characters, and I feel that the prologue has a good "density" - you're not just telling us stuff, and you're not describing everything in excruciating detail.

I "like" this

Let me know when Ch 1 comes out!
- Nephthys

Classy!

It's me, lump face, here to review. I've been waiting to read this for a while actually, so woop. Hopefully, I'll be able to find something to say that will help you out a little. We'll see!

Overall, I think that this was a good start. It was full of mystery, which is always important in a prologue. One thing I'm really glad that you've done is not make it too mysterious. Sometimes, writers can often begin their story with a prologue, but because it's so vague, it only ends up being confusing. This one didn't have that effect, so well done! I'm also likeing the nameless thing, although I'd suggest maybe cutting down on the she's and he's. You could always replace a few with The woman, The girl or whatever.

The only thing I'd like to mention here concerns some sentence structure. At times, the way you worded things sounded a weeny bit awkward. I can't say much though... I often word things as dodgy as hell. What I'd suggest is that you read the piece out loud. By doing that, you should be able to spot any awkward wording.

He ran as fast as he could, ignoring the fact that his breath couldn’t keep up with what was needed from his lungs.

Here's an example of what I mean. I think that Tiger may have pointed this line out actually. It's just that when you read this out loud, the part after the comma sounds a bit awkward. There's plenty of ways you could edit this a little so that it flows better. What Tiger suggested would fit fine, for example.

There aren't a bucket load of these sentences and phrases, but I do think that you should revise this and make sure that all of them are reworded. Do you know what I mean though? I hope I'm making sense... I think you can understand what I'm trying to say. It is honestly surprising how well reading a piece out loud helps when it comes to fixing any dodgy phrasing in it.

Personally, I'm not overly keen on descriptive stories; I'm a simple child, you see. Too many words confuse me. Because of that, it will probably take me longer to warm to this novel, but so far, so good! I do like it at the moment. The only reason I'm bringing up the description thing is because I did feel that some of them sounded a little bit repetitive. By that, I mean that you described the same thing a lot. Now, I might just be extra picky because I'm not a fan of lots of descriptions, so bear that in mind because what I'm saying here is more of an opinionated things than anything.

What I mean by all of this (in case you're confused because I'm almost confusing myself) is that you described the ice, snow, cold e.t.c quite a lot. Obviously, you want to make sure us readers get an idea of the landscape and setting, but be careful not to concentrate on one or two things in descriptions.

She was a deep contrast with the white snow. Her strikingly black robes floated behind her, failing to shield her from the cold. She crossed her arms, hoping it would help, but her long cotton sleeves did her no good in the storm that was descending on her.

She walked a long distance, until her feet no longer fell deep into several feet of snow. Once she was to a point where there were no frozen drops, she stopped. This was where it was too dark for the sun to break through, and too cold for any sort of blizzard. Her deep blue eyes shot up from the ground and looked ahead of her. She no longer saw snow blanketing the ground, but a wide span of ice that never seemed to end. This was the lake she had been searching for.

I've put every mention of snow, whether, cold and anything like that in bold here. And these is just the first two paragraphs. I've just realised that I'm being really picky here... but I'll carry on anyway! Do you see what I mean? Although your descriptions are lovely, you have a tendency to talk about and describe the same things. People will disagree with me on this, I know they will, but I thought I'd let you know my opinion on the whole thing. This isnt' something you have to change, but it's a suggestion from moi.

Negatives aside, I really did like this, Classy! Your descriptions overall were lovely, and you had the perfect amount of mystery in this. It's suited wonderfully for a prologue and the mystery keeps me interested, making me want to read the first chapter. Well done!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

WOOWWW :O

I loved this so much!
This is exactly the sort of thing I like to read!
It completely grabbed my attention, and had the perfect pace too.
Your description was wonderful, and I had shivers actually running up my back.
Im really exited to read the next part!

All I can say, is that maybe you could add some shock to the the part when she dives into the water.
Like say how every blood cell froze up etc etc.
but thats just a suggestion!
I didnt notice any grammar, spellin, or punctuation mistakes, but maybe thats because I was so captivated by the description

LOVE LOVE LOVE!!
-Ava

So, I've decided to do a random review. =)) Hi, Miss CC. Can I call you CC? I wanna call you CC... LOL
Okay here it goes...

NITPICKS|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION

She walked a long distance, until her feet no longer fell deep into several feet of snow.

>> Um, it confused me. O_o

Before that point She had silently complained <before> about them, but now that they were off she was thankful.

She was now down to the basics: her tight black pants and her long-sleeved shirt, and was so cold her body couldn’t manage a shiver to warm her.

>> I'd suggest this be broken up into two sentences.

Okay, Classy, so that's all. If you fix the confusing parts, this could be really, really good.

Umm...it's just a prologue, so I couldn't really say anything about the plot and characters yet, like, duh...but for a prologue, it's nice, it's hooking. Keep this up! =)) Let me see if I can say more when chapter one comes up. =))


~ jash ♥

Hey hey!
So I really enjoyed this, everyone has basically nitpicked it to shreds so I'm not going to add much more, something that I LOVED was the colour haha and the whole thing started off with "She was a deep contrast to the white snow." I like that it starts off with me having to imagine it, makes me thinkg straight from the beginning but maybe structure that sentence a little better.
The white with a black form marching through it and BAM the sharp red lovely
Well done!

Saaam.

Hey, it's me to finally get to your promised review -- sorry this took so long! *hugs*

So, for the most part I agree with the other reviewers -- this is well written and well thought out. You've drawn me in to what these two characters are thinking and feeling, and I'm very, very excited to read more. You have good, vivid descriptions, and on one hand, while I can really get a good sense of what it is going on, on the other hand, I don't.

While it's really cool to read about the world and the characters that are there, it's just kind of boring. In the beginning, we don't need a whole paragraph talking about she's in the snow and under-dressed and probably very cold. Telling us this once will do, and that way you can devote more to developing her character. I understand that this a prologue and you are supposed to be somewhat vague and not give everything away, but it would be nice to at least know what she's going through and why she is heading toward the ice hole!

That's all I really have. Hope this review helps, and we can always talk later if you have any questions or need anything clarified.

Your Wife,
~ El

I love how you did this, Lassie. I thought the imagery was very good for a prologue. I agree with the other reviewers that some of the sentences were a tad confusing but that might have just been because you left both characters nameless. It really brought me into this world that you have created and is making me question everything about it. Good job on that because I really want to read more now(: *likes* Congrats on being featured on the front page, by the way.
~peanut~

Prologue


.

When she couldn’t walk any more, she fell onto her knees and started sawing the ice. It wasn’t that thick, so her short knife made a large dent. After minutes of sawing, a hole large enough to sneak her slender body through, was formed.

She dove headfirst into the water, ignoring the calls from a faraway voice, a voice whose owner was following her bloody prints from the edge of the lake. He called for her, lusted for life. He craved her survival, but only for selfish reasons.

Ok, so for a prologue this was very catchy. I really did like it. The only errors that I saw are posted above but besides those this was amazing. I was already intrigued when I read the thing on your novel page. I can't wait to read the first chapter!

I think it's very interesting, but I think you used she too much, but you were possibly trying to keep her name a secret so the readers could feel like this is mysterious. Other than that, I thought it was cool.
p.s did you make that picture?