One question: By tavern, did you mean cavern? I suppose a tavern could have sacred tombs, but a cavern would be the more likely setting to me.
Personally, I'd like to see more description. There are sacred tombs, right? Are these tombs just plain stone, or are they covered in ancient runes? And as for the nine children, what do they look like, just basically? Are they human-shaped? Are they child-sized? Are they all exactly identical in appearance? If the room is lit by torches, is it lit brightly or are there long shadows flickering everywhere?
OK, I'll begin with part I. I think you've updated it since the others reviewed since I skimmed their posts etc., but forgive me if I repeat anything already mentioned.
"It is almost time for ... The end. The end of the world ... The end of the universe!" Said a loud booming voice that bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern.
In my opinion, you need a bit of a touch-up on your sentences here. "It is almost time...for the end" (no capital T, move the periods). I think the periods between "the world" and "the end of the universe" should be replaced by a dash ("The end of the world - the end of the universe!") and again no capital T. It makes it flow better. Also, have you heard of the 'show dont tell' rule? Sure, it doesnt apply to everything, but here I think it works. If I were you, I'd change "Said a loud booming voice" to "boomed a loud voice through the flames that scorched the ceiling". I'd cut off "tavern" (is it meant to be "cavern" like everyone suggests?) and work it in somewhere else, coz this sentence is way too long to begin a story with.
"You!! My children will be the end!" The voice echoed through the halls of the sacred tombs and rattled the walls.
Yeah, OK, well hold your horses here. This should read, "You, my children, will be the end!". And I'm betting there arent many sacred tombs in taverns....
"At birth I gave you a gift....and untill now you never new what an important role it plays....in your struggle to end the universe." Two evil glaring eyes formed in the flames. They looked upon their nine demonic children and stared. "You were born for one reason and one reason only! That is to destroy! Cause havoc , chaos , despair and strike fear in every living thing!"
You need to learn how to use commas! "At birth, I gave you a gift, and until now you have been unaware of its importance to your struggle..." Cut off the 'end of the universe' thingy - dont belittle the intelligence of your reader. Any attentive audience will already have picked up that these children are going to end the world! And a bit of a shuffle with the tenses and 'until now' gives it an air of mystery, or at least suspense- but maybe thats just me. You're over-using the word 'evil', too. Plus, when you say "[the eyes] looked upon their nine demonic children" it doesnt really make sense. I mean, I know what you MEAN it to say, but..."They looked upon the nine demonic children" would be better, I think. "and stared" is redundant - he's already looking! "They looked upon the nine demonic children with a glare to chill the bone" or something. "That is" is unnecessary. It should read; "You were born for one reason, and one reason only - to destroy, to cause havoc, chaos, and despair, and to strike fear into every living thing!"
These nine children were no ordinary children. They were the offspring of the pure evil-hearted being himself. Their demonic glares stared right back at their fathers eyes. The sound of the flames whiping in the air never allowed the room to fall silent.
Huh. Well. This is gonna be brutal, but...ugh. I'm sorry. No. You need some coherency here. How about; "Nine pairs of identical gleaming eyes met those of their malevolent father with a glare of equal ferocity. They were clearly his children, as dark and evil-hearted as himself, and as their eyes met his the sound of the crackling flames around them leapt to greater volume, filling the cavern with demonic shadows".
"Look around your necks ... each one of you were given a talisman at birth." The demon children studied their talismans.
Too simplistic. Let it flow! "Those talismans you wear about your necks are your birthright," said the voice. The children studied the gold medallions in silence, seeing them in a new light now that they realized their power. "These are the keys to the end of existence!"
They looked upon them with a whole other aspect now that their father told them of their destiny. "These are the keys to the end of existance." The talismans started to glow as the eyes looked upon them.
One of the rules I was taught from an early age was, always - if you can - start each sentence with a different word or combination of words than the one before it, and above all, DONT USE "THE" TOO MUCH! I'd like to see you starting your sentences with more creative words. Dive right in! Describe things, dont just tell us what they are! I want to see adjectives! That last sentence; "As the eyes of their creator looked upon them, the talismans began to glow with a deep, florescent light."
"Each one has given you a very unique power to make you different from oneanother." "But! Only one of you will be the end of existance....The rest of you will end before it occours." "You will fight! You will kill! Untill there is only one."
This should all be one paragraph. "'Each one of you has been given a different talisman - therefore, each one of you possesses a different power. But only one of you will be the end of all existence; the rest of you will end before it occurs...' The voice paused for a moment, to let this all sink in, then resumed, the echoes of its words filling the chamber like living things; 'You will fight! You will kill! And you will die...until there is only one...'"
I dont mean to be harsh here, though I know I can be pretty brutal when I get stuck in. I would just like to say that for the record, you have potential! Its clear that you can visualize settings and surroundings, although I think you need more practice with your characterization and sentence structure. This has the makings of a unique and potentially involving storyline. I'm looking forward to part II, which I will read (and critique) shortly! Keep writing!
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