MoonMagic..Chap.1

A silver haired elf, tall and graceful, was running through the swaying grass. "Moon Streak" Alberic, the elf, called to his beloved horse. The gray Mare came trotting over to him. Moon Streak, the wild and fast mare let herself be carresed and rubbed affectinatly. They had cared for each other ever since the bonding ceromony.

"Stress, Why is there stress bothring my rider?" she asked through mind talk. Alberic stopped. the mare started to nuzzle him so as to get him to talk.

"I have seen horrible news, my friend. The Ferazzi are together once again. However we will be the target for the first time. They will attack in two weeks, and the forces will be vast." Alberic grimly answered. He infact beleived that the elfin race would soon be destroyed.

"Why be so grim. Rejoice that we have two weeks to prepare."she countered with a neigh of challenge, so fearsome that every animal for miles around, scattered.

"OK, let's go warn the queen!" He shouted, now that he was motivated. Alberic then leaped on the mere's back. SHe started to trot towards Queen Falls, the capital of the elvin country, Deridia.



Alberic was still trotting along through the field when he realized the sun was setting and he needed to make a camp. So, he got off his gray mare and led her to the river they had been following for the past hour. He took off his small pack and laid it on the ground, and then he squatted beside the river.

His reflection was what he looked at. Long silver hair flowed down his back and dark purple eyes contrasted against his moon colored skin. All his features were graceful like all the elves that he knew. Alberic sat there until the sun completely set. Then he knew it was time.

He went over to his pack and took out a precious packet of seeds. 14 seeds he counted and placed them in a circle, which he then sat in the center of. Them hr pulled out a flute and played a magical song. The sound, it was beautiful, it was the song of life, a song which when sung brought fresh life to everything that herd it. The seeds started to sprout and 14 birch saplings appeared.

He did not stop until they were exactly sevan-feet-tall, and then the song changed into a slower, sweeter version of the song. The saplings branches started to intertwine and form a circular roof and walls. Alberic ended the song with a very sharp note, which made the branches disappear from between two saplings.

He called Moon Streak into the hut. One sharper note closed the gap where only he could get out and no one or thing in. Then, he looked at his creation. It was a spacious circular hut, with a diameter of 14 feet across. At the center of the slightly curving ceiling was ten feet. A smaller version of the song he emitted and which made the grass grow velvet soft underneath the horse and himself. A blanket, Alberic grabbed from his pack and he went to sleep.






-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bonding Ceromony= A ceromony where a elf the age of 20 receives his horse. THese horses are bred by special elves who use magik to make them have special attributes when still in the Mares womb. This horse will live untill his or her rider dies.


Ferazzi= A mythical race which use confusion and surprze as a weopon. They are extreamly tricky to fight because they own no code of honor, no king, queen. The largest clan ever was 1,000 ferazzies, however maybe once in while they can be riled together to fight for a pacific cause, and taking lands of others is especely on cause.

Hi Amber!
This sounds really good. You just have to clean up a few grammar things and fluency problems and your good to go!
you might also want ot seperate in paragraphs!
I think you have a good story coming!
~PN

It was a pretty good story, but you really need to spell check.

Hello and welcome to YWS!

As you probably guessed by now, we are kind of picky on spelling and grammar, so if you want to get any helpful comments relating to the actual story, it would be best to clean out every typo that you can spot for yourself so that we don't feel obligated to point out every typo.

With that said... the bolded are the typos:

A silver hair elf, tall and graceful, running through the tall grass, in the feild. This elf's name is MoonShine and this is where our story begins. "MoonStreak" MoonShine shouted desperately trying to call his beloved mount to him.The gray Mare came galloping towards him, about to run over him, when MoonShine Gave a graceful Leap and landed Squarly on the strong back. "We need to go to the Queen, NOW." He told his mount. He knew he did not need to say this out loud. That their magical bond would tell her all about the need to see the quenn because of the imminant attack of the dreaded shades. He had been In enemy territory for sevaral days now trying to lern of the enemy plans, and he had finally sucedded, but he beleved he was going to be to late. Suddenly he remebered a spell tought to all elf children. If it was abosolute emergcy, you would remember it , bnut if not it stayed hidden in your mind untill you died. I have to use it he thought. With that, he stoped MoonStreak, and dismounted. He then got his spell dagger and with extreme cautian pricked his finger. Then he tooked his pendant, telling the world that the elf queen trusted him, And jamed the blade with extreame force cracking the precious stone. An immense power spilled oput of it. The queen appered beside him, but she was really hous away sitting on her throne this was just an imagge able to speak and hear for her. "The Shades will attack at midnight. The number are in the thousands, you need to call the army together. I May not make it home untill the Battle has began. " He told Queen Casidy.

"No, do not come home, I have a mission for you. The seers have seen we will lose this war without help. I want you to go to the Far regions and get humans, dwarfs, and eny other Being that will bee out ally to help! You have My blessing, now turn around and GO!" She comanded him, and then a stong braze made the image to dissapper.

MoonShine had always been calm in most crisis. However, now his whole civailisation depanded on him and he was speecjless. MoonStreak, on the otherhand knew what to do. She wlked over and bit him hard, but soft enough not to braek the skin. Get up and get on my back. You have herd the queen, time is of the essance. We do not have time for you to mope about and feel sorry for your self. You can do this, or else the queen would not trust you, she does not take riskShe told him. He obyed her. SHe turned around and started trotting toward the far reagions.

...isn't that kind of embarrassing having that many typos?

Take some time, read it through. I have not provided you with the correct spellings, but I think that you knew the words anyway and you just thought quicker than you can type, so you can fix it yourself. That's okay. Just make sure that, when you post it, it's understandable and with all the correct spellings!

Happy editing!

I see someone already beat me to the typos ^_^

If it was absolute emergency, you would remember it , but if not it stayed hidden in your mind until you died. I have to use it he thought. With that, he stopped MoonStreak, and dismounted

You need to put quotations around a phrase when somebody is speaking.

He knew he did not need to say this out loud. That their magical bond would tell her all about the need to see the quenn because of the imminant attack of the dreaded shades.

It seems like throughout the story you were telling use things instead of telling us a story, like the quote above ^_^. There are many more throughout the story, so I suggest reading through it and fixing these things. Also I didn't really know what was happening through out the story, or what the problem was. Try putting some background behind this plot, and the story will make more sense.

You have given me a critic, now I am obligated to do the same. That, and it's a pretty good piece of fiction.

Well, the only suggestion I have is to watch your spelling and space your paragraphs a little more for your readers. If you don't have a name yet I think I have an idea you could use. If the story is about a war, or if the war is just a part of the story, and since you mentioned shades you could call it, "The Shade of War." That's just my idea, it's entirely up to you.

A silver hair elf

you should put silver hiared, because it isn't correct grmmer.

This elf's name is MoonShine and this is where our story begins.

you might want to revise this sentance, it sounds kinda of like some one younger wrote it, no offence, its just very simple sounding.

"MoonStreak" MoonShine shouted desperately trying to call his beloved mount to him.

when ever you have a character saying something, you need to put it as a new paragraph.

"We need to go to the Queen, NOW."

agian you need a new paragraph, thats a few more places as well.

That their magical bond would tell her all about the need to see the quenn because of the imminant attack of the dreaded shades.

first you need to put "He knew" before "that thier" adn you need to check youre spelling, and you might want to come up with a new word intsead of shades because if a person was being an ass you could get in trouble for copywrighting, so you just might want to watch that.

I'm not going to crit you any more since I know people dont like a lot of crits, but if you do want more halp pm me or something

it looks like it could be good

Yay! You edited!

This was a decent start. I like the name Moonshine, and you have potential, but a lot of the things that I mentioned in The Dragon apply here as well.

1. Pace

Your pace is still rather abrupt. It is better than it was in The Dragon, but the action comes so quickly that it confuses me. I'd let to get to know your main character a bit better before you throw me into an action scene. You don't necessarily need to write something entirely different before this, but adding a bit more her reactions and setting the mood and scene more vividly would slow the beginning down a bit.

2. Characterization

Less telling. More showing. You tell us near the end that Moonshine is calm in manuy situations. Showing us this more clearly would be a better alternative. This is a rather short bit, so I'm not going to go into much detail on this, but remember to take your time characterizing your main character and to let her actions and reactions speak for herself.

3. Information Overload

A lot of the information about spells and powerful, precious stones was very confusing. I don't mind being a little confused, but the rushed pace of it left me wondering what things looked like, what exactly was happening and how I was expected to follow the story. For mysterious objects and spells, describe their effects and appearance in detail if you are not going to explain them. That way the reader remembers them and you can explain some later.

A few little spelling corrections:

He knew he did not need to say this out loud. That their magical bond would tell her all about the need to see the quenn because of the imminant attack of the dreaded shades.

quenn = queen
imminant = imminent
And what are shades, by the way? You could have explained that a bit more clearly.

He had been in enemy territory for several days now, trying to learn of the enemy plans. Alberic had finally seceded, However, he believed he was going to be to late.

I think seceded should be succeeded

a small small drop of bllod appeared on his smooth skin.

bllod = blood
There are still grammar issues in this piece; however, I think that if you just review your grammar rules, you can fix those.

Immense improvement with the spelling. As you continue to improve in areas such as pace and characterization, I'll be able to focus on the more subtle areas of your style, so keep improving if that is any incentive. PM me if you have any questions.

I has arrived :trumpet fanfare:

OK, you told me your mom proofread this....did she miss all the capitalization errors? 'Cuz they're kinda blatant, but whatever.

Strikeouts are what you should take out, underlined text are my inserted comments, and bolded characters/words are corrections, mostly grammatical and spelling. Any extra spacing I put in is for Text Chi and my own sanity.

A silver haired elf, tall and graceful, running through the tall Repetition of "tall"- try a different adjective grass[s],[/s] in the field.

"MoonStreak!" Alberic, the graceful elf desperately yelled, trying to call his beloved mount to him. Awkward. Rephrase.The gray mare came galloping towards him, about to run over him, when Alberic gave a graceful leap and landed squarely on the strong back. The mental picture I get from this last scene is preposterous- rewrite, please

"We need to go to the Queen, NOW."he told his mount. He knew he did not need to say this out loud, and that their magical bond would tell her all about the need to see the queen because of the imminent attack of the dreaded shades. He had been in enemy territory for several days now, trying to learn [s]of[/s] the enemy plans. Alberic had finally suceeded, however, he believed he was going to be to late.

Suddenly he remembered a spell taught to all elf queen advisers [s]or[/s] and elf spies. If it was absolute emergency, the elf would remember it, on the other hand, it stayed hidden in your mind until you died. Unclear, re-write. I have to use it he thought. HUH?! Nick is so confused!!! With that, he stopped Moon Streak, and dismounted. He then got his spell dagger and with extreme caution pricked his finger.

Erm, am I the only one getting the image of an old, bald, fat MONK at the name Alberic? LOL.

A [s]small[/s] small One adjective, please. drop of blood appeared on his smooth skin. Hey, if YOU get emo with an enchanted dagger, do you just have a little pinprick? NUH UH. Alberic took his finger and smeared the blood [s]all over[/s] across the blade, activating the magical blade given to all the queen's advisers. He then took his sapphire pendant, which told all who saw it that the elf queen trusted him, and jammed the blade in the dead center of the stone, cracking the precious stone cleanly in two.

An immense power spilled out of it. Show us, don't tell us!!! The queen appeared beside him, but she was really hours away sitting on her throne, this was just an image able to speak and hear for her.

"The Shades will attack at midnight. The numbers are in the thousands, you need to call the army together. I may not make it home until the battle has begun. " he told Queen Cassidy.

Dragon-san, the first rule of writing is SHOW AND DO NOT TELL. (If you ask how many times I've said that today, I might bite your head off.) If you want to show that she had a firey temper and hair to match, give us a scene where both parts of her shine. This applies to anything and everything. The more you tell and do not show, the more you stray towards the boundaries of the purple prose, and then I'd really have to get on your back. :sweet smile: so please, PLEASE show and don't tell!

"No, do not come home. I have a mission for you. The seers have seen we will lose this war without help. I want you to go to the far regions and get humans, dwarfs, and any other being that will be our ally to help! You have my Unless you're writing "me" as God is speaking, don't bother capitalizing "me" "my", etc.blessing, now turn around and GO!" she commanded, and then a strong braze (??) made the image [s]to[/s] disappear.

Alberic had always been calm in most crises. However, now his whole civilization depended on him, and he was speechless. MoonStreak, on the other hand, knew what to do. She walked over and bit him hard, but soft enough not to break the skin. That's just stupid. "hard, but soft enough". That doesn't work at all. Rewrite. Get up and get on my back. You have heard the queen, time is of the essence. HUH?!We do not have time for you to mope about and feel sorry for yourself. You can do this, or else the queen would not trust you, she does not take risks. she told him through mind talk. Stupid. Mind-talk. Rephrase. It's called telepathy, FYI. Alberic obeyed his mare. This dude obeys his HORSE?! OK, go dump water on your head. RIGHT NOW. For the love of realism! She [s]then[/s] turned around and started trotting toward the far regions.

OK, sorry. You don't have to do the water part. But, really, take the underlined comments seriously. This needs a lot of toning up. Other than that, read WD's comments and take her advice- she's great.
Your pacing also needs a lot of work. Writing needs consistency- no rushing through the boring parts, sorry. You can shorten the scenes, but they're good opportunities for character development.


Off to read part 2. I might not get a chance to do chapter two, so sorry if I don't get to it tonight.

Gambatte!

First of all, let me say that your spelling here is miles better than in The Dragon. However, this still needs a lot of work.

One of your key faults is the pace, as WD has brought to your attention. This is, simply, too abrupt. You've flung us into this world, with these characters, and the reader doesn't have a clue what's going on. What battle? What war? Who is the Queen? Where is she queen of? All these questions need answering before the character is given his quest, mission, etc. You need to set up the story first. Read any good novel, and it takes a few chapters for the characters to be introduced properly, to have their personalities brought across effectively, to have the necessary backstory explored, before you go into the main events of the story. That, I think, is your main problem.

Your second big thing is the Paolini useages. A shade? That could very easily be considered plagiarism, as this doesn't appear to a fanfiction. And the bond with the horse? Yet again, a paolini-ish twist, don't you think? You're going to have to rethink those elements of this.

This is much better than The Dragon, although some of the problems there are evident here, ie. pace. The most important thing for you is to set up the story properly. I know how you feel, I used to do exactly the same thing. This plot is far more original than The Dragon, and I am pleased to see that. I don't want you to think I'm bullying you, but I'm on a critiquing spree, and I'm getting through your pieces first.

Again, feel free to PM me if you have anything you need any other help. Now, on to part two!

-Kaz

Man , i am getting sick and tired of editting! However i will do some more. One day though when i am big and poreful, i am going to to remove the word edit form the world. (hum, that would make a good story)

DragonWriter wrote:Man , i am getting sick and tired of editting! However i will do some more. One day though when i am big and poreful, i am going to to remove the word edit form the world. (hum, that would make a good story)

:grins:
Fat chance, Dragon-san.
Without editing, all our work is crap, and then there wouldn't be any worthwhile books to read.

Is that really what you want?

Sheesh. You're pretty...depraved.

Personally, I think too many of the ideas in this aren't unique enough...there's a lot of stories out there with mindtalk and bonding ceremonies. What's in this too make it any more different than those, to make it stand out? Also, the description of the elf seemed fairy cliche and typical too.

As for Ferazzi and Bonding Ceremony, I personally think that you should explain IN the story what all this stuff is, not a note at the end. The story rushes by too fast, and if you included those details it would definitely make the pacing in this better. Give more detail about your characters in this too so we'll care about what's happening to them.

Basically, still needs some more editing. I hate editing too so I understand how you feel, but the point of editing is to make it better and there isn't anything wrong with improving your work. Everyone should edit as much as possible, ya know?

I can't wait to see what you can do with this with some more editing and with the further chapters, as it promises to be an exciting fantasy story!!

I can not please everyone pepol, first i do include everything in the story, then i take it out, now a person wants me to puit it back. first i am going to fast, now i am going still to fast. I am now olnly taking reveiws of pepol who have read the original!

But now that you've removed the "original" sections, you have, like, 4 reviewers you're going to listen to, total.

And you aren't supposed to please everybody- you want the general advice and a few select unique pieces. But good Lord, don't try to please EVERYBODY- you'll eventually loose sight of what you were trying to convey from the beginning ^_~