First part

Yeah, I agree, I was going to critique you but I was too lazy. Although Brian did a much better job!

I'm not so sure about this part...


The Beginning of Sorrow

Korin Exitium grew up with 3 siblings, an older brother, Arereas, older sister Amee, and a younger brother, Torin. They grew up in a small village called Aurn, on the island of Vilisk. Aurn was a small village on the east coast of Vilisk. There were mountains to the north and south. The only was into the city was through the Western passage through the Hil Mountains, or from the Arin sea to the East. The island was known throughout the world for being a holy place, with all the children being taught about Chivalry. Most of the boys that were born on Vilisk grew up to become great Priests with healing abilities or Paladins. And so this is how Korin was brought up.
Arereas, Korin s older brother, fit the mold of the island perfectly, he was the top student in all his classes, and was well on his way to becoming a great Paladin when a group of savages raided his village.
They came in the morning, there was a large blanket of fog over the village, and there was no time to prepare, no time to defend. They came on great war ships, with red flags hanging on the mast. The Exitium s awoke to screams of terror and pain. Rolin, Korin s father quickly called his two oldest sons to protect their family. The three other family members gathered in the back of their house. All wielding broad swords, they ran out the front door to join the frenzy and try to drive the savages back to sea. The savages killed many and took some for slaves, including his younger brother Torin and his older sister Amee. The Exitium s were devastated, their mother and father no longer spoke to anyone but their children. This motivated Arereas to become a strong and famous Paladin to protect his family. On the other hand, it had an opposite effect on Korin.
Magic had always been an interest to Korin. Not the kind of magic with illusions, the kind of magic that can move something across the room. The kind of magic that can kill someone. Magery was outlawed on Vilisk, it was seen as witchcraft. The only kind of magic that was allowed was white magic. Korin had heard stories of this kind of magic, but had never actually seen it. Some days he would daydream about the power he could have being a Mage. Whenever he would speak of this to his parents his father would beat him.
That type of thinking is not allowed in this house, or on this island for that matter his father would say. You will become a great Priest and be able to help people.
His parents often beat him, because he was never as good as his older brother Arereas. Korin blamed Arereas for this, and grew to hate his older brother. After his sister and younger brother had been taken, his parents grew more abusive, almost daily they would yell for Korin just to tell him how bad he was, and how much better Arereas was better than him.
Korin was never good in his studies; he seemed more interested in things off the island. The children always made fun of Korin because he had bad grades, he barely ever would show up for church or Chivalry classes. He spent his time in a cave that he had found on the outskirts of town. He mad peace with the wolves that lived there. They were his true friends, his true family. He spent his teenage years with the group of wolves, the alpha male and biggest wolf, Ferow, accepted Korin as a member of the pack. Korin grew to love the pack, Ferow and Korin grew to have a strong bond between each other. After his chores Korin would run to the cave and stay all day with the wolves. He would play with the pups and help attend to the old and sickly. These days were the best Korin ever knew. He loved the pack like his family.
This went on through most of Korin s teenage years. One day when he was 17, after his chores he ran out to the cave to find nothing. Supposing that they were just out for their hunt, he waited for them. After the sun went down, he got worried, thoughts raced through his mind, Maybe they left him? Why would they leave him? Where did they go? He heard his parents yelling for him in the village, so he left the cave without knowing where they were. The next day he skipped school and his chores to go out looking for the pack. He searched all over, he went through the Yon Forest, and up into the Hil Mountains. He had been searching all day with no luck. As he was heading back he noticed some smoke rising in a small clearing in the Yon Forest, as he grew near he could hear people talking and laughing. He walked up to the camp and saw something that would change his life forever.

Copyright Nick Lunn, 2004.

Uhh...good...but not as good as the first one, I might say. There were a bit of run on sentences and not too much detailing. SHOW, DONT TELL! Remember that now...

Notice the disclaimer at the top of the post.

Quick question: Are you posting these in order?

If you are, I'd suggest switching "Beginning of Sorrow" so that it flows better with the previous section.

"Beginning of Sorrow" is more historical/background passage, so it reading pages upon pages of it gets dry pretty quickly, so it's better to keep it short and sweet, revealing it in during conversations, actions, flashbacks and such instead of having eight, nine, ten paragraphs in a row dedicated to it.

As EBM said, 'Show, don't tell'. It's more interesting for a reader to guess at what an author is implying rather than have it already all laid out in neatly typed paragraphes. ^^ It's the difference between non-fiction and fiction. In non-fiction, everything is said clearly and precisely. In fiction, readers often have to guess what happens next, the hidden meaning behind conversations, etc.

It's all part of the excitement of reading =)

Alrighty then Here it goes For the first part

For the first part, I had a little trouble picking up the correlation to the first paragraph. Anywho

Let s start with the very first line here, shall I? Don t forget the commas after a dialect statement unless it s a closing sentence in which you would place a period, which goes before the closing quotation mark. Show me the blinding light that is shot through the dark. Also, the prepositional phrase is misleading I think. In the rest of your story, it s all up close and personal with the characters. I seem a little separated in the very first line. Instead of in the keep think more direct and what the character is experiencing. Is the character experiencing the environment of the keep, or more specifically the environment in the dark room? I want to see what Korin is seeing, if you know what I mean.

Second sentence Korin? Hmmmm I would place Korin s name in the first sentence and use the personal pronoun in the second; it flows better that way. I m glad you used a good verb to describe Korin s action, but since this a dramatic scene, I would consider placing an adverb, or more effective verb. But good job none the less. The door part seems funny, and a little out of place because of your keep phrase up top. I will be able to experience more if the first part was more detailed.

Okay, I just got an idea. Your spell words are a little un-nerving for me as I read through them. This is quite hard to deal with, as it s similar to creating your own language. It kinda reads funky to me, as the direct correlation to each other (meaning the Ex Or Ith) is soooo close, that I thought of placing them together in one word. Like Loeth, Exorith!, and Exinor. By doing this, I adopted a language function that English tends to do. It has words to describe one thing, mainly due to the relationships they have with each other. Ex. Egg Nog instead of being two words, where the adjective would originally describe the nog, they call it Eggnog as in one word. Since this combination of words is so unique, the English Language doesn t worry too much on personalizing the communication system too much. Same goes for your spells They too are soo unique, that they can be smashed together in one word. Most authors use this approach, or I think they do. I suggest trying it.

The chain with a blade on it Okay, here s what I got. Try an awaritive narrative approach. Meaning that the current situation can be described totally on instinct. Tell me exactly what the mechanism is called in their language. Korin pulled out his kahmanhan and so and so This again, personalizes the action the character in this case, Korin, is currently doing. It has a demanding and confident feel to it, as if your character knows what he is doing by instinct. Now, let s move back a bit You stated your environment right? It s dark, right? If this isn t a narrative approach, then how can we as an audience see the mechanism if we are in the dark room? This I guess is more passively done, where you are (you as in audience) only know what you see. Now, again, how can you see this if it s dark? Try using other sensory to describe the object, where the sight is negated due to the environment being dark. We (audience) might be able to hear the object It s rather difficult to describe an object like this; that is why I use the narrative aspect of writing.

Now, the swinging I can understand that. Is he spinning it fast? If he is, then I get no hint that he is. Started to swing means kind of slow to me in my book. If this is to be a weapon to use, then I expect you are using force to damage the intended target. If being swung so slow, then how is the audience ever to believe that their character they are holding on to for dear life for supposed to have confidence in Korin?

It was Lorin, Korin s wife. Now, we have new character There are two paths in introducing a character. Mysteriously unfolding, or everything-there-needs-to-know-about-Jack. Usually in the beginnings of stories, the writers have an aspect of not-knowing . With this character, I think we should know a little bit more about her, maybe as much as Korin if possible. Now, I don t know your opinions on dark elves, but try to use that knowledge you have of them, and use it in the entrance of Korin s wife. As you are supposed to do, which you did, you are to give some sort of physical description of the newly found character. Here, when you describe her, we have what s called a run-on-sentence. That s where you just smash several sentences into one, where they have nothing to do with each other. We need to sort this out, as I know what you are feeling This time to describe your character, Lorin, is over-pouring with adjectives and prepositional phrases. You use this time to show how great of author you are, this is the flesh of your story, instances like these. I get jittery from just talking about it. We need to take that boil of emotions and smooth it out like butter on a slice of bread. I mean sure, you may find great adjectives and sentences for all her jewelry and features and put them together. Notice, that you can have great potential, but lack on executing. Your words of descriptive language is your potential, where as putting them together is your execution. Separate each one of those phrases (rope, hair, earrings) and expand on it; use your writing skills to develop this beautiful creature.

The Loth Mountains Before I get started, take out place and a in the introduction of this mountainous setting. It creases out the wrinkles. Also, you are getting into the said epidemic . Find other words that can replace said , they get a little obnoxious after awhile. To move on To split up all the dialogue, enter a passage about these Lothe Mountains after Korin announces his location.

The Mysterious Damien Okay, another character. From the looks of it, he is supposed to be hidden. So, I like your idea of not expressing him so willingly. Better to have him continue his walk in the shadows . But again, you decide to tell me of his expertise You know my opinion on the subject of this, so I won t repeat it. Since you all are getting bored reading my editing, I ll slip in a little of my writing. I m going to try and introduce this character in the way I think Korin here is expecting him to.


-As the shadow dripped out of the shadows, his silhouette became eliminated in the glow of Lorin s lantern. Flicking the metal tooth in weaves of spinning yarn, he effortlessly slipped his dagger in its sheathe. Shifting his weight to better view is encounter with Korin, he revealed the sister blade that sat opposite from the first on his hip.

To move along Quotation mark in the beginning of the statement where Damien starts talking. My opinion though is to keep this character silent, and basically hidden. Have him nod in approval or something in response to Lorin introducing him instead of Damien speaking. He is the secret weapon that Lorin s been hiding right? Better to stay concealed until the right time to act. I ll move straight into Damien, as he caught my attention (he s my favorite). He takes off his hood right? Why not let him keep it on? Maybe the scar (I don t know whether it s a scar you wish to have or a wound) is so hideous that the audience is still able to see it even while the hood is closed. It depends if you want to introduce him in a way that reveals his existence in a blare of light, or in the dark of night (okay, I ll stop the rhyming). If you are to do it my way, not mine but an idea put out by me, you should just forget the second description of Damien in line 18-19 and just make a big intro for Damien in the beginning.

About the asking of the state of Korin s sister, Lorin might want to ask that, as she is Korin s wife you know? I highly doubt that Damien is thinking empathetically for Korin as much as Lorin is. Just my thoughts. I do like the response from Korin though. It shows some emotion that the character has. It enables me to place myself in his shoes, which is what you are doing to keep me interested right? Take out the so in the response from Lorin, it makes it kind of cheesy. We don t want this turning out to a soap opera. Oh, I love how Korin is progressing. Very good. I like the self-deprecating that he uses, It s my fault type of response. Let him continue his hole of sorrow, which means cut the response from Lorin, as it is nobody s place to ask why the main character did something. Then have Lorin respond with stop blaming yourself to keep the level of interest at a high. Maybe even have Damien nod again in agreement with Lorin.

Tears? Tears from the main character already? Hmmmm Maybe we should dumb down the emotion from Korin a little bit huh? He is after all the main character. I think you might lose the audience if you introduce the emotional side of Korin too fast. When I read a book of fantasy, I want the character to be firm in place and confidant, well, at least in the beginning of the book. Also, an act of crying shows that you are vulnerable to prey. Is Korin not in a dangerous place? Have you ever seen the LOTR? In the 3rd movie, Gandalf tells the Stewert of Gondor that the time for grieving his lost son should be put aside for now, as there is danger lurking at his doorstep. Much like this, Korin I think is in the same situation. Unless you wish for this character to we somewhat weak in this manner, suggest refitting the emotional part of Korin.

The grin Is this guy evil? I don t know, but it looks like Skywalker in the Star Wars movies has come into the world of fantasy. No offense, but why would a main character do such a task of barbaric ness? I know this is very emotional for Korin, but this shows a psychological defense mechanism of reaction formation (taking out anger on other objects other than the one causing the hostility). Like I said, let s not reveal all these traits of Korin in middle of a dark room with danger lurking behind every corner, especially in the near to beginning of the book.

The last sentence Is this guy Damien having an affair with Korin s wife?! What does they have to do with the recognition of the old Korin ? They gives me a feeling of long-term commitment between the two characters. Please, let s keep love triangles out of stories like this j/k.

Okay buddy pal, there s my view on the wonderful start on your story. I may have been really critical during the analysis, but don t take it personally. Also, you don t have to exactly take my word for word I was just commenting and giving you feedback on your novel. Hope you ve enjoyed my ragging on and on, but I think it s important to fully go through people s work. Yes, this took me awhile to do, but as you can see, I m loyal to those I work with. I ll do another little skit for you all.

-Korin looked in vain at the destruction before him. Bodies of those he loved rested silently upon the chaos left behind by the minions of the West. Buildings lying in a heap of graves blocked his view to the plummeting wall the army exited upon after invading. Sagging to the floor of a destroyed bedroom, Korin wept. His salty tears gradually flowed across the threshold of the entranceway, mixing itself with the blood left upon the stairs. Korin looked up at the ceiling, in which he spotted the night sky through a blast hole about four arms length wide. Thinking about his sister s death, he screamed into the dark night

Sorry, I didn't have enough time to edit your second history paragraph...

-ZZAP[/i]

Man, that was brutal. I agree, though. I also think that you should have a flashback of Korin's sister's death, or his coming to the village.

WOW! ZZAP has, whoo, way too much time. I don't think I could write that much in one sitting, and I agree with Drizzt.

ZZAP wrote:The grin Is this guy evil? I don t know, but it looks like Skywalker in the Star Wars movies has come into the world of fantasy. No offense, but why would a main character do such a task of barbaric ness? I know this is very emotional for Korin, but this shows a psychological defense mechanism of reaction formation (taking out anger on other objects other than the one causing the hostility). Like I said, let s not reveal all these traits of Korin in middle of a dark room with danger lurking behind every corner, especially in the near to beginning of the book.

The last sentence Is this guy Damien having an affair with Korin s wife?! What does they have to do with the recognition of the old Korin ? They gives me a feeling of long-term commitment between the two characters. Please, let s keep love triangles out of stories like this j/k.

-ZZAP

Actually, Yes is evil.. What I was getting at is to stage the beginning of them in his house, then go back through Korins life and tell what led up to this. Then end the book with them in the house again.

And, They are all close friends, not sure what gave the the assumption that Lorin and Damien were in love...

The snow was blinding, wolf howled into the darkness from a distance, commemorating the return of Korin.

Try "wolves."