I'm in a bit of a rush...so I only looked at the dialogue...
my only comment: you don't need to put asked, said, etc aftereach thing. Over lay it with and action, it's strogner writing (artical in Writer's Digest).
what's stronger:
"you get in this house right now," mary screamed, and slammed the screen door.
or
Mary slammed the screen door and placed her fists on her hips. "You get in this house right now!"
"Poetry is not an opinion expressed; it is a song that rises from a bleeding wound or a smiling mouth." -Kahlil Gibran
seeing this tag and going "oh what's this? :)" then getting slapped in the face with shady's good grammar is the worst thing that's ever happened to me — SilverNight
