I'm in a bit of a rush...so I only looked at the dialogue...
my only comment: you don't need to put asked, said, etc aftereach thing. Over lay it with and action, it's strogner writing (artical in Writer's Digest).
what's stronger:
"you get in this house right now," mary screamed, and slammed the screen door.
or
Mary slammed the screen door and placed her fists on her hips. "You get in this house right now!"
"Poetry is not an opinion expressed; it is a song that rises from a bleeding wound or a smiling mouth." -Kahlil Gibran
The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust. — Samuel Butler
