z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


Lord of the Rings/After it Begins/Chapter 1



User avatar
24 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 1033
Reviews: 24
Sun Dec 04, 2011 12:13 am
ladymarmalade says...



Part 1 - Legolas
There was no visible disturbance in Mirkwood. None that met the eye. Elves were happy, trottling along the smooth pathways. The leaves shuttered and swept across the earthen floor. Trees don't wither of leaf in Mirkwood. Not in a thousand years would they ever. They're a dark rich green with the texture of feathers and the consistency of stone. Nor do they crack, break, or tear. Nothing crumbles here. Nay, no rock or fortress. No council or democracy. No family or friend. No heart or trembling soul. Until now.
"Arod, careful! Not all animals enjoy company of snorting horses!" Legolas chortled gaily. It was a cool, dewy, fresh morning. frost faded, Sun shone her bright face. "Never before has thus forest been freer." he whispered amongst himself. "Never." Suddenly a light scurring of boots scratched the main road toward Legolas. "Prince of Leaves.....Legolas my-- my Lord." a young messenger elf stuttered. "The King would like to speak with thee!" he planted himself on the stony dirt path and kissed the prince's feet. "That is my message, liege." he finished lamily, refusing to meet his eye. "Rise" commanded Legolas in a gentle tone. His eyes softened like music, and the boy-elf froze. He touched to young elf's face. "I am just as you. Do not fear unseen faces, for you are fair and should not distress."
The servant elf composed himself emotionally and bowed once more to kiss the hand of Legolas. He rose his head to gaze in the Prince's eyes for a fleeting moment and then scurried back up the beaten path. Legolas sighed and was about to hurry back to his house when a sudden glint of sunshine caught his eye. Something of a fiery glow was spread across the Deep River's banks. He walked Arod cautiously toward the mysterious lighting and lo! it was a woman. She lay wet to the bone with he heavy cloth clinging to her. She appeared of great importance for she was clothed in a heavy royal blue gown trimmed in silver tassel. She bore a sword sheathed in a golden hilt encrusted with colorful jewels. Her hair was long and waved with curls framed around her face.
He stepped to get a closer look. His face blanked. Her hair was of a strange golden luminiousent coloring with a splash of strawberry tint that make it glow like a flickering flame. The most astonished feature however was her face. It was fairer than any face he'd ever seen save perhaps Galadriel, lady of light. He stared in awe. So pale and wonderous was she that all the sea's pearls would glow in envy. Her eyes half open, sparkled with the palest of blues and her cheeks like ripe peaches. Her lips were full and cherry red. They parted as she breathed deeply. "A creature of pure beauty, never have I seen such since the beginning of my days."
He reached out to touch her hands. She only shivered, and remained in a peaceful dreamstate. For poisioned was she of the thick drought of Mirkwood. Legolas kneeled and gently lifted the fallen maiden upon Arod's back. He mounted quickly and said "Arod, be swift, for we must reach the King!" With that he was off.
They galloped for much time along the old Forest road. A fragance of irises wafted off his passenger's hair. he breathed deeply overflowing his memories of the forest when it was once fresh and new. At last he reached the entrance to the Elven-King hall. "Welcome Prince Legolas -- was your ride peaceful?" asked the cheerful guardians. "Nay, I wish to see my father, for I wish to bestow on him a precious jewel!" And he uncloaked his gem. The elves gazed in wonder at such a face, for few matched its depth and beauty. "I shall take her to my chambers to rest. Do not disturb her or my father tonight. It can wait until morning." Legolas then left Arod in the tender care of the guards and Cared the woman to his room. A room indeed fit for royalty. The curtains frothy and the color of silver-grey. The whole room was luminious and a thin mist settled on the floor. His bed was carressed in a garment of golden threaded leaves woven into the silk.
He layed his gem beneath the sheets. The room stepped out into a dark green exotic garden. He sat on the bench centered in the midst of it and became suddenly weary. A faint scent of orange blossoms filled the air suddenly, along with the light step of unguarded feet. Then came Tauriel (Tour-i-il). One of the few dark-haired elves of Mirkwood. her eyes shone of crystallized green and her hair a river of night rippled down her back. Her cheeks and lips were pale, since warm sun had left for twilight. Her eyes glittered in the moonlight, in impatience.
"Where have you been? The King waiting long but thou never sought to come." and when she spoke her voice was unstable like a whispy wind. Legolas shutterd. He hated when she worried so. He stepped forward, taking her in his arms, feeling her fragile and breakable beneath him. "You should not distress so, dear sister" he murmured in a attempt to her sooth her as he had done when she was only a small child. He caressed her face and place her head between ear in shoulder, comforting her. "Well, you were later today." she grumbled. A look of brief astonishment crossed her face. Tauriel then giggle like a small child. Legolas looked upon her in bewilderment. "Well, I sound like father" she exclaimed and released a laugh like echoing wind chimes. He smiled and kissed her hands. "Come, I have something of great interest you."
They stepped lightly into the dim corridor. There the maiden had begun to stirr and her eyes fluttered open! She raised her head carfully with a quiver of a smile upon her face. It almost seemed smug. "Well, here's a sight I haven't seen for many a year." She sat up and smoothed back her free curls, now looking simply calm and reserved. "Hello, what time is it? Not just before dawn I should think to guess." Legolas nodded, still in shock at her utter awakening. "Ah, I thought it so." She then rose abd questioned. "And who are you to bestow a fire maiden of Gondolin in your bed?" Legolas gaped like a dying fish. Tauriel seemed to have remain composed and emotionless. "Gondolin?" She quietly inquired. "Yes, that is what I said, and you worthy elf-prince, have I caught your tongue? Speak, please!" Her eyes flashed and she seemed to lighten as the room darkened. Legolas finally spoke recovering from his shock. Tauriel sighed. "I found you soaked to the bone like a drowned fox after drinking form the black river of poison. I bore you upon Arod, high horse of Edoras, and carried you her. I could not leave thee. Nay, I could not."
Tauriel then spoke and a voice like trinkling water. "Do not be alarmed, I am Tauriel, sister of Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood. Do not be afraid." She smiled warmly and the woman's shoulders drooped in defeated defiance. She then spoke with great authority. "I am Aredhul (Air-ah-thil), fire maiden of Gondolin, lost city no more". Aredhel rose showing such importance that could stop a stampede of Mearas. Her eyes flickered like some forgotten flame. She then spoke in a grave and hasty quiver.
"I must ride to meet King Elessar, immediatly."




User avatar
245 Reviews


Gender: Female
Points: 15440
Reviews: 245
Sun Dec 04, 2011 10:44 pm
creativityrules says...



Hello, Marmalade! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

First off, I'm a huge Tolkien fan. The Lord of the Rings is probably my favorite book; in fact, there's a hardcover copy of it sitting about ten feet away from me at the moment. I absolutely adore how Tolkien writes. In my opinion, he's a master storyteller, and had any other writer attempted to write the stories he did, they wouldn't be as magical. Therefore, I'm always interested when people try to write Tolkien-esque stories.

In my opinion, this feels overdone. There's too many details about how enthralling the elves' lives are, and it comes off feeling forced. Perhaps it would've felt more elvish if you would've omitted a few details and allowed simplicity to pull this story together. Then, you could've scattered details throughout the story, and they would've stood out on their own rather than be buried by the numerous other details you put on top of them.

"Arod, careful! Not all animals enjoy company of snorting horses!" Legolas chortled gaily. It was a cool, dewy, fresh morning. frost faded, Sun shone her bright face.


See what I mean? There's so much here that it becomes cloyingly detailed, not effortless.

I don't want to discourage you from writing fan fiction. However, I do suggest that perhaps you should stop trying to imitate Tolkien and develop your own writing style. I'm positive that this isn't how you write normally. In fact, I had this same problem back when I joined YWS. I was so busy trying to be like the writers that I loved that I forgot about me, and my writing was forced. A helpful reviewer told me to stop trying to imitate, and I followed his advice. Now, I'm much more comfortable with my writing style and have realized that how I write is actually pretty cool.

I hope that you'll take my advice. However, if you feel strongly about writing like this, stick with it and become an expert at it.

Always keep writing!

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James







i like that the title of dr jekyll and mr hyde makes a clear stance that the embodiment of one’s own evil doesn’t get a claim to the doctorate
— waywardxwallflower