Young Writers Society

Prologue

It was a dark gloomy night; the stars were shimmering against the black sky that covered the Earth. A siren was on full alert as a black figure was dashing through the buildings holding a stone carrying a special power that only a few have seen that maybe the strongest power anyone has ever known.

“Finally the first stone, after I deal this so-called hero the world will be the next thing on my list.” The figure thought to himself. He was about to run but he was surrounded by soldiers with Assault rifles ready to fire. “You’re surrounded, give up or we’ll have to take you down.” Said a soldier with the gun pointed to the figures head, the figure put his hand behind his back with the soldiers thinking that he will bring out the stone. Instead he brought out a white orb and smashed against the ground and a bright flash of light blinded them and then the figure disappeared into the night before the flash died out.

One of the soldiers pulled out a radio and said into it. “We lost him sir.” The voice came back from the radio and the soldier replied. “He went west towards New York City, but he was smart enough to jam our radar so we got no clue where he went exactly.” There was a pause before the voice came back in on the radio with a command. “OK.” The soldier than put back his radio and turned to the other soldiers behind him and said to them. “We got an order from the commander go and find this thing and stop it at all cost.” The soldiers replied. “SIR, YES SIR!” The troops then stepped forward into the city.

I know my other story is still in work, but this is my story I have done on DeviantART and Fanfiction.net
I hope you like my story (despite the bad grammar :/) I only own the additional content nothing Mario related. I'll post Chapter 1 when I get enough points!

This is pretty good! I like how when you read it you aren't too sure whats going on. Mystery is a big plus in stories! The only grammar problems I saw was that assault rifles is capitalized but I don't think it should be. Also, there is a comma splice in the sentence after that->'Said a soldier with the gun pointed to the figures head, the figure put his hand behind his back with the soldiers thinking that he will bring out the stone.' but besides that, it looks fine! Great job! I would love to read more.

A Legends Path is interesiting and exciting. It immediately has something that draws the reader in. Your grammer can use some work but apart from that it is really good and you should keep writing. I'm excited to see where you go with the story and I'm interested in what you going to write next. Good luck and keep going, after all, writers are made, not born.

Heya tcgamergirl997!

You've got a good start here, but I see a lot of Prologues in these forums and not many epilogues. I encourage you to keep going, keep writing, and see if you can make it to the end!

I like how you started with action -- that's always a good hook -- so this is looking rather good so far. Perhaps you could give away a little bit more information about the mysterious man in black that we see fleeing in the first scene. A little mystery is good, but you need to make your story stand out and, at the moment, it's just a bad guy escaping with a valuable object.

Perhaps you should "show off" the power of the stone a bit more? Or maybe there's room for you to develop the characters a little more? You could name (at least!) one of the guards and give them a bit of characterisation before the mysterious stranger outwits them. When we read books we find people to identify with -- and at the moment none of your characters have real names!

Also you could fit in a little more paragraphing, especially with respect to dialogue. Remember that, ever time a new person speaks you need to start another paragraph. I'm going to link you to this article as well which gives examples on how to correctly punctuate dialogue. It's easy when you get used to it, but I think this will be a helpful guide for now so you can make sure you're doing it correctly.

I like what you've got so far -- it'll be nice to see a bit more as well though. Take care and do feel free to PM me if you have any questions!


Charlie