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Hardships: This is Our Story (Chapter 1)



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Sat Sep 24, 2011 4:42 am
XxToxicMayhemxX says...



You'll figure out what the show is soon enough. :3

{Story Begins}

I sighed as I tapped my pencil on the top of my desk with annoyance. This class was honestly boring for me and I couldn't stand the fact I was stuck in this death trap for a classroom. My teacher, Mr. Beltron-Bannen -- whom I called Mr. Beltron only -- ran us through the lesson without having to tell anyone to be quiet or stop talking while he's talking. Which was absolutely rare for this class.

Everyone was rowdy, throwing crumpled paper balls at one another. Some would have a straw and shoot spitballs across the room, which one had unfortunately hit me in the face one time (I wasn't too happy about that, considering it was the last class of the day for me). They would flip desks, smack each other, and occasionally break out into a fight in the middle of class. Mr. Beltron had a lot of stress on his shoulders, which was understandable. He had so much to deal with when it came to his class. Well, this one anyway.

He seemed like one who would have patience, which he hasn't burnt his fuse completely yet.

He was tall, maybe 6'3. He had short, dark brown hair with eyes that match. He wasn't too big, not to skinny. He looked like he took care of himself, which was great. He wore a sky blue button up, tucked inside some dark brown slacks. Despite the fact he dressed like a rich guy, he had a nice personality -- he was one of the few teachers I could actually talk to outside of class. He would joke, occasionally make the class laugh. Everything you really needed in a teacher. He rarely gave us work to take home with us, which was good.

He sighed as he finished the lesson right as the bell rang. Everyone retreated to go home and I stood up, looking at my friend Leandra.

Leandra was a smaller girl. She had flowing black hair that was always tied back into a ponytail. She had bright brown eyes that always showed the positive side of the world when she looked at you. Her skin was darker, giving her that filipino vibe. She wore a Mortal Kombat shirt, blue jeans, and a pair of ratty tennis shoes. She pushed her glasses up and stared at me.

"Lets go, Delorean." she said.

I nodded my head and walked out the door slowly, waving back at the exhausted Mr. Beltron. I turned the corner and a few steps out, I was in front of my locker. Spinning my dial with a black nail-polished hand, I sighed and clicked open the lock. Leandra looked at me, her locker next to mine.

"What was up with everyone today? It was all quiet. I got the chills." she said and I nodded my head again.

"Yeah. It's so weird." I muttered quietly and pulled out my Bullet For My Valentine book bag, slipping my binder and books I needed into the mouth of the bag. Clicking it closed, I turned to Leandra after locking my padlock.

Leandra was pulling everything out she needed, having more books in my bag then me. I guess Band had forced her to practice her music.

Leandra had more musical talent than me, playing the Electric bass and the Orchestra bass. I had no experience with orchestra instruments. I only played acoustic and electric guitar.

"Need to go to a bass lesson?" I asked.

Leandra nodded. She would go on weekly Electric bass lessons. I didn't blame her. She wanted to get better, and she was getting better every time.

"'Till 4:30. As always." she muttered under her breath. She slung her bass case over her shoulder and slammed her locker shut, locking it. She shrugged her shoulders, the backpack straps falling into place and walked off to Jazz Band practice.

I didn't go to Jazz Band, though I was considering it. They needed a guitarist, and Leandra had been begging me to join. But performing wasn't my thing. I had stage fright. Enough for me to not perform, anyway. I didn't mind announcing things in a spotlight. That is what made me strange. Normally, stage fright meant fear of being in front of a crowd on stage in general. I had the half-and-half deal.

Jazz band was no more than thirty minutes long. I would stay and listen to the smooth music the members played. Well, the ones who bothered to show up to practices, anyway (which was normally no more than five people). I scratched the back of my head with a yawn and paused in front of the open door to the front office.

A teen was standing behind the desk, talking with Ms. Roher. She said something, which I read as "You start tomorrow" and slid him a paper -- which I presumed was his schedule. When he turned to the door, I immediately recognized his face.

"Daniel~!" I said and waved frantically, being my own weird self.

Daniel turned his head to me and beamed. "Delorean~~!!" he said and waved.

I chuckled and walked up to him. "You transfer?" I asked.

Daniel nodded his head. "Yup."

I frowned. "And no Adrian~?" I whined.

Daniel shook his head, having a frown similar to the one I wore. "Nope."

I sighed and looked at Leandra, who wore a "what about meee~~~?" face. A light of realization went off above my head and I facepalmed.

"Duh! Daniel, this is my friend Leandra." I said and Leandra waved.

"Harro!" she greeted and Daniel waved back.

"Sup." he replied.

Leandra looked at her friend, Meagan, who waved from across the hall.

"Toiletpaper~!" Meagan called and skipped over.

For some odd reason, Leandra and Meagan had this weird thing where they would call each other Toiletpaper and Cookie. Adding onto that, they would call me Delo Delo.

"Cookie~!" Leandra called back and they hugged.

"Toiletpaper has to come to Jazz Band practice~~" Meagan said and frowned. "Mr. Storar is about to start."

Leandra shot a look back at Daniel and I, wearing a frown.

"Gotta go guys." she said and ran off with Meagan to the Band room.

They both disappeared down the hall and out the blue painted doors, out of sight.
Last edited by XxToxicMayhemxX on Sun Sep 25, 2011 10:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.
-s(he)be(lie)v(ed)




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Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:19 am
Noelle says...



Hi there! Welcome to the site!

I really enjoyed reading this. I was reading through it and I just though, wow this sounds amazing. You did a good job describing your characters and the setting. I didn't see any mistakes that I could comment on except for this:

{quote]"Delorean~~!!"[/quote]
So, what's up with this symbol (~) at the end of your sentences? You should change it to a simple dash instead.

Overal this is really good. I have to admit that I don't know what show this is based off of, but it doesn't really matter because I like it all the same. PM me or post on my wall when you post another chapter! Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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Sun Sep 25, 2011 3:06 am
Vettan says...



I found the story to be very well written. The are only a two aspects that I would direct my attention to. In the story, mostly in the first half you tend to include a lot of "which was......." which got a little repetitive. I still failed to see why the class was silent and whether it was simply quiet for no apparent reason. It would have been nice to make some sort of reason for that. I would have liked to know who Adrian is, as well, other characters are also not expanded upon and I am left wondering as to who they are.
Overall, great job. It was very believable and nicely written.
For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards.




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Sun Sep 25, 2011 10:53 pm
briggsy1996 says...



Hi there!
I admit, as I was reading, I hadn't a clue as to what show this was based off of, but then I read in the novel description that it's based off Supernatural- a show I haven't seen much of.
I thought that it was mostly well written, and comical in some parts. I'll tell you specifically what I liked in a moment but there was one tiny, little nitpick I wanted to point out:

Some would have a straw and shoot spitballs across the room, which one had unfortunately hit me in the face one time (I wasn't too happy about that, considering it was the last class of the day for me).

-Maybe it's just me, but the 'which' it this sentence sounds a bit off. Try reading it aloud.
Perhaps if you just took which out it and add a semi-colon in place of the comma it might flow better?

What I liked:
-The bit about jazz band was interesting (maybe because I play in a jazz band), and the way you'd written it was very believable.
-The nicknames the MC's friends have; very amusing. :)
-The overall tone was appealing and not at all boring. Your writing has a 'pulse,' meaning that it is alive and interesting.

Now, as for the content, I was a little unsure about where this story is headed... maybe it's because I haven't seen Supernatural, but I'm sure you'll explain more in further chapters?
Also, I got the feel that this chapter explained a lot about the MC's teacher, her friends, etc... but not a whole lot about herself, which to me seems vital for a first chapter.

Anyway, I did like it overall and I look forward to reading more! Hope I helped :)
Keep Writing,
-Briggsy
but the sky is love and i am for you
just so long and long enough
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