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The Blood Bearers (short story - please review!)



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Gender: Male
Points: 978
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Mon Jun 20, 2011 10:27 pm
Rocksmith says...



Hey there.

I decided to write a short story which is based within the warhammer 40k universe. My aim is to eventually write a piece of fiction as good as something produced by the black library - a publishing company I am very fond of.

Without further adieu...

The Blood Bearers

Written by, Ramzi M Subrati


The following is a vivid account of the events that took place on Ebor secundus, delivered by Furioso dreadnought librarian - Ancient Arkivus.

[M41.990]...

Having successfully halted an impending branch a hive fleet kraken from ravaging three adjoining systems on the eastern fringe, Lord Ivan Ramius, the then high captain of the Blood bearers chapter, ordered the 3rd, 4th and 8th assault companies to undertake an excursion to Ebor secondus. We deviated from our path through the orion cluster because Admiral Turbulous of the city-sized battle-barge and flagship of the Blood bearers, 'War ender', received a distress signal from high altitude. The only area from where a signal could conceivably have been sent from due to the extra-ionic magnetism emitted from Ebor secondus' unstable core. Upon deploying 3rd company upon the rocky, magma wreathed mountains, brother Bradius, 3rd company tech-marine, guided assault squad 'red libation', tactical squads 'crimson claw', 'Red death' and myself to the source of the troubling signal.

All was silent as I and the tactical squads, enclosed in power armour of deepest red, clambered through the mountainous landscape and the extreme heat. Overhead, brother Ashul nodded his golden helmeted head in our direction. After acknowledging us, he blasted by on wings of fire, along with the rest of crimson claw. The clouds hung low and loomed over the landscape threateningly, the temperature was bordering on extreme.

So we found the device which was sending the signal, but there was no sign of the sender. The frequency was undoubtedly of imperial origin, otherwise the astartes would not have even entered orbit. Nonetheless, there was no sign of any life at all. Just as I opened a channel through the comm-net to warn of a possible xenos trap, brother Corulous took a pulse rifle blast to the chest. To his credit, he swayed on unsteady legs for but only a second before swinging his bolter to bear and let off a blazing salvo of explosive shells at the sleek helmeted forms of what appeared to be tau pathfinders. The din of his weapons of vengeance was joined by a symphony of bolter fire from his brothers, and as my assault cannons blessed machine-spirit initiated the rotation of my assault cannon, the battle commenced.

The Tau had concealed a substantial ambush force amongst the rugged, razor-sharp terrain by way of cloaking devices. Until then, the only cloaking devices that we knew they possessed were the versions they mounted on their stealth suits. What we saw in front of us were roughly a company worth of devilfish, hammer head and crisis battle-suits accompanied by at least 2 units of fire warriors and a broadside battle-suits.

My assault cannon raked the Tau battle-line. As the high-calibre shells streaked and punctured the clawing rock of the mountain-side, at least a score hit home and ripped an entire section from a nearby devilfish transport. It exploded into a shower of red hot fragments as a round struck its plasma core before it could get a bead on my brothers in squad crimson claw whose initiates sent savage grins in my direction as they charged headlong into a squad of fire warriors.

The Tau seemed desperate now. Their well laid plan to entrap and purge was turning. We know now to some amusement, that they were in fact stranded and after slaughtering the colonists of the only settlement on secondus, they stole an imperial mark distress signal emitter. Their hope was to ensnare one of the passing merchant ships that frequent this part of the system on their way to space dock, Ebor 5. Although obviously well equipped enough to execute their mission, they did not count on facing the astartes.

The skirmish raged on. Although the tau had a numerically superior contingent, the might of the Blood bearers proved too much for them.

Assault squad red libation detached into two combat squads, simultaneously triggering their jump packs in a deafening roar and entering the arena of battle. They subsequently planted a melta-bomb on the two remaining hammer-head support vehicles that were in close proximity to a well drilled firing line of fire warriors who held back to lend long-ranged support to their beleaguered comrades who took the brunt of the initial assault. The carnage was immense. The two hammerhead tanks detonated in a whirlwind of metal and flame that licked the backs of the retreating assault marines. The resulting shockwave pummelled the fire warriors and pinned them to the ground as tactical squad 'Red death' made short work of them. Bringing their bolt guns’ targeters parallel to their well trained eyes, they let rip a barrage of shells which decimated the disorientated tau infantry.

And then the crisis battle-suits closed in on me. As two of my brothers fell in a hail of plasma fire, I ploughed forward towards the tau heavy infantry as they closed. Even encased in their armoured shells, I could sense their desperation.

The whole area was wreathed in flame and toxic smoke. Both sides were taking heavy losses but by now, the outcome was certain. Word had already been sent to the orbiting strike cruisers of the ambush by one of the Veteran Sergeants. 4th company were on their way.

I suffered a glancing hit from a hyper-velocity round fired from a battle-suit that was entrenched approximately half a click away as the 3 battle-suits closed the remaining distance. The rail-gun shifted from side to side scanning for fresh targets as it sheltered behind an approaching line of hovering devilfish transports, fully armed warriors mounted within. The first battle suit, olive coloured with an ornate looking knife welded into its broad chest, swung a heavy fist at my mighty chassis. I promptly tore its head of in a shower of sparks then embedded my leg into its body, which flattened it as if it were in a press. The second and third battle suits, seemingly jarred at their commanders swift death, worked together to try and take me down. I dodged many blows, but these aliens were deceptively fast. Firing their weapons as they struck me, one of them managed to almost melt my left knee joint in place with burning plasma, whilst the other hammered at my visor. To their surprise, this old warrior was just getting started, and without the merest twitch, I sent them sprawling with a psychic shockwave. Taking the initiative, I ripped out the innards of the plasma-wielding warrior, drenching the other in its gore. As he tried to get up, a brother marine from squad red libation shoved his chain sword through its hide as he landed next to me with the rest of his unit.

More marines fell. Even though they benefited from the divine protection of power armour, the Tau were dishing out a punishing amount of firepower. Brother Larsz succumbed to the darkness within after suffering through the grievous losses the xenos filth inflicted upon his fellow marines. The grief evoked the same effect from the rest of squad crimson claw, as their genetic memory triggered flashbacks of their beloved Primarch, buckling under the tremendous blows of the traitor Horus. They let out maddened howls of hate and charged headlong, through torrents of pulse fire and ordinance, into a full unit of olive coloured warriors. In the face of such savagery, and their dislike for close-quater engagements, the tau unit started to retreat. But it was too late. Without mercy, the four remaining marines ripped the firewarriors apart with their bare hands. Discarding all weapons, save the odd chainsword. Within moments they had torn a clean hole into the Tau front lines and departed to their next target. Battle fury overpowering al other senses. Their lust for carnage not yet sated.

The dark, charred-looking clouds parted. For a fleeting second, it had seemed the very hand of the Emperor himself reached down to crush this vile enemy. Five drop pods burned through the atmosphere as half of 4th company made ready to deploy directly into battle.

As I and squad 'red libation', stood there and gazed up, we knew that this battle was over. An overwhelming sense of pride swelled within us as we continued to push back the Tau and eradicate them in the name of the God-Emperor.

Led by High chaplain Mallius, the 4th smashed into the mountain range like gods of old. As the steaming doors on their drop-pods blasted outwards and slammed onto the uneven ground, three-score astartes decimated the entire left flank of the Tau force as they charged with chain sword and bolter.

The invaders were spent. Their last-ditch effort for transit off of this barren world failed. They were cut down in droves even as they retreated. Many of the Blood bearers' second company were felled this day, but the will of the Primarch and the Emperor was done.

Brother Bradius approached me after the battle, covered in xenos lifeblood. He grinned playfully as I limped over to the awaiting thunder hawk gunship and asked me if I needed a hand. I of course offered it to him, but only after making sure to activate its crackling blue displacement field. He then told me that I seem completely fit for duty and accompanied me to the magna-grapple.

The Ebor system was spared from the Tau. For a time.
A dagger at dusk is worth a thousand swords at dawn
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:25 pm
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Wolferion says...



Cheers! I'm here to help you out as I'm quite acquitted with the 40k series =) Awesome games. I've put your story into the spoiler and my thoughts/impressions are in red, including grammar changes. After the spoiler is my overall.

Spoiler! :
Having successfully halted an impending branch of the hive fleet Kraken from ravaging three adjoining systems on the Eastern fringe, Lord Ivan Ramius, later the high captain of the Blood Bearers chapter, ordered the 3rd, 4th and 8th assault companies to undertake an excursion to Ebor secondus. (This is like reading statistics, it's long, the sentences are long, it takes time to chew over. You'd usually try to avoid these kind of situations, but oh well, I guess this has to be here. I know this is chronics, but if you keep it like this, it wouldn't be that liked by readers, I've put some ideas of rewriting below in darker red color.)

Once we successfully stopped an impending branch of the hive fleet Kraken from ravaging three adjoining systems on the Eastern fringe, Lord Ivan Ramius, later our high captain of the Blood Bearers chapter, ordered our 3rd, 4th and 8th assault companies to undertake an excursion to Ebor secondus.


We deviated from our path through the Orion cluster, because Admiral Turbulous of the city-sized battle-barge and flagship of the Blood bearers, 'War ender', received a distress signal from high altitude. ( Not really interest grasping. Too much detail.)
However, it wasn't without complications - we had to unexpectedly deviate from our path, because Admiral Turbulous of the city-sized flagship 'War ender' received a distress signal from a high altitude.

According to our navigators the only area, from which a signal could have been sent due to the extra-ionic magnetism, emitted from Ebor secondus' unstable core.


Upon deploying 3rd company upon the rocky, magma wreathed mountains, brother Bradius, 3rd company tech-marine, guided assault squad 'Red libation', tactical squads 'Crimson claw', 'Red death' and myself to the source of the distress signal.

All was silent as I and the tactical squads, enclosed in power armour of the deepest red, clambered through the mountainous landscape and the extreme heat. Overhead, brother Ashul nodded his golden helmeted head in our direction. After acknowledging us, he blasted by on wings of fire, along with the rest of crimson claw. The clouds hung low and loomed over the landscape threateningly, the temperature was bordering on extreme.

Together with the tactical squads I clambered through the extremely heated mountainous landscape in complete silence, enclosed in our power armor of the deepest red. At one moment, ahead of us brother Ashul nodded in our direction with his golden helmeted head. After acknowledging us, he blasted away on the wings of fire along with the rest of Crimson claw. The clouds above us hung low and loomed over the landscape threateningly, the temperature was bordering on extreme.


So we found the device which was sending the signal, but there was no sign of the sender. (... You've killed your story right now... So we found? So? That in no way works.) The frequency was undoubtedly of an imperial origin, otherwise the astartes would not have even entered the orbit. Nonetheless, there was no sign of any life at all. Just as I opened a channel through the comm-net to warn of a possible xenos trap, brother Corulous took a pulse rifle blast to the chest. To his credit, he swayed on unsteady legs for but only a second before swinging his bolter to bear and let off a blazing salvo of explosive shells at the sleek helmeted forms of what appeared to be tau pathfinders. The din of his weapons of vengeance was joined by a symphony of bolter fire from his brothers, and as my assault cannons blessed machine-spirit initiated the rotation of my assault cannon, the battle commenced. (Unbelivably too many details, too long sentences without any joints and comas, you'd lose your reader's attention here).

After a long journey we eventually found the device, but we failed to find any signs of life nearby. Its frequency was undoubtedly of an imperial origin, which was even more troubling. Just as I opened a channel through the comm-net to warn of a possible trap, brother Corulous suddendly took a pulse blast to the chest. To our surprise, he barely swayed on his unsteady legs as he swung his bolter and let off a blazing salvo of explosive shells at disgustingly sleek helmeted forms of what appeared to be tau pathfinders. A symphony of bolter fire followed together with my blessed assault cannons as the battle commenced.
****************************************
There's no need for me to edit more or I'll end up rewriting your whole peace. Let's head to overall now where I explain why.


Alright. I know this is not a "story", but it's way too unemotional, not intriguing, boring, statistic. This is like reading some robot report, you know. You do not use any hooking words like "however, though, although, suddenly, out of nowhere, thankfully, unfortunately, shamefully, etc.". There were little parts there that had the kind, but most? You know, this is like asking your friend about a ground breaking journey he had and he answers "Ah that? Nothing much, people died, I survived, no big deal."

I like your idea here, it follows pretty much what we know from the 40k series, the ambushes and all this stuff, but, too robotic. I didn't feel interested in reading it till the end, nothing hooked me really, no tension, nothing. I think that even the Librarian himself would use much more epic and colorful words to describe what heroism the troops did, the situation, the tension they felt, the danger...

Just, please, spice it up ^^

Kyou out~
~Don't beg for things, do it yourself or else you'll never get anything~
-Formerly Shinda
  





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14 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1462
Reviews: 14
Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:24 am
killkrusha69 says...



Yep basically agree with everything he said.
I am not good in grammar but I didn’t see really bad mistakes. The story over all was 6/10
You had the action and it did keep me interesting but you need to put in more emotions. It felt as if the space marines were robots, all they did was kill, kill, and kill. You need to concentrate on the sound, taste, smell, touch.

After all they are all brothers, and they come from the 'Blood Angel' legion, they are known to be the most human legion out of all the others. They should at least have a bit inner emotion.

Also, at one point it did get boring for me because the, Tau seemed like no threat at all. Next time when you write a small story you should make the enemy more of a threat.

Pleae keep posting, matter of fact canyou be kind enough o review my 40k stories. Really need help on them, thank you!
"I like turtles"
  








We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer