Young Writers Society

Because this is so short, I can't really give you an overall. So I will give you a few nit-picks. I know last time you were offended by my review, but your grammar does need improving. Not that mine is so great or anything.

you wrote:Dear diary,
Mary was right, Severus was planning to sleep outside the dorm room, as soon as i got out Severus said sorry straight away, all i said was that i only came out because Mary said you were threatening to sleep out here.

This first sentence is a bit of a run-on. It could be four sentences altogether if you made them short. Making too long of sentences without the correct grammar just confuses people. A better way to write it would be:

Mary was right; Severus was planning to sleep outside the dorm room, and as soon as I got out Severus said sorry straight away. I only said I only came out because Mary said he was threatening to sleep out there.

You probably noticed I changed the wording to the last sentence. If you want her to take an exact quote of herself the correct grammar would be:

All I said was, "I only came out because Mary said you were threatening to sleep out here."

Do you get what I mean?

He kept on saying sorry; i can't even look at him any more. My own best friend and saying something like that has just broken out relationship!

First, I think that the last sentence could be much more powerful if you wrote it if you broke it up into two like this:

My own best friend. Saying that has broken our relationship.

Also, I made 'out' to 'our' because I am pretty sure it is a typo, and rephrased it. I can't stress enough the point you need to take out any unneeded words. The more straight to the point things are the easier it is to read them. I also thought that because you are talking about a specific thing that you don't have to say 'something like this'.

I told him it was too late to say sorry, i had all this anger that wanted to burst out on him but i was better than that give him the guilty card so he can suffer, without me even saying anything.

This should be:

I told him it was too late to say sorry; I had all this anger that I wanted to burst out on him, but i was better than that.

I'm not sure about the rest because I think you need to explain this a bit more. I'm not sure.

But I had to get rid off this anger so i called him a death eater and he knew it was true i could see it written all over his face! I had enough of looking at him i couldn't stand it no more.

This should be:

I had to get rid of this anger so I called him a death eater, and he knew it was true; I could see it written all over his face! I had enough of looking at him; I couldn't stand it anymore.

How could i forgive him for doing that?

Shouldn't this be:

How can I forgive him for doing that?

Because you have been talking in present tense.

If you have any questions or comments feel free to P.M. me.

I hope I helped,

A. S.