Young Writers Society

Lexis's Perspective
"COME ON BILL! Tell me where we're going!" I plead with puppy dog eyes.
"I keep telling you that it is a surprise." I pout and cross my arms. Bill looks over at me and gives me another dreamy smile. "Do not worry Lexis. I am sure you will love the place I am taking you to."
He parks and gets out. He opens my door and
"Thank you Bill," I said flashing a smile.
"You are welcome." He takes my hand and we walk up to...
"DEAR GOD NO! I am NOT going in there!" I plant my feet into the ground and refuse to go any further.
"Do not worry. The outside is supposed to fool everybody as well as the name. Close your eyes until we are inside if you want, but you must trust me."
Can I? Happy Harry's doesn't seem like the kind of place you would ever catch me in. The outside is hot pink, baby blue, spring green, and bright purple. The sign has a goofy-looking font with the restaurant's name. I close my eyes shut and prepare to run out the door the second I get in. But when I walk inside, I almost hear angels singing because there isn't any pop music playing. Instead, I hear Disturbed playing and see goths, punks, emos, and alternatives, like Bill is, sitting at tables, booths, and dancing on a separate dance floor that is huge! The cemetery/rock concert theme was outstanding and completely appropriate. This place should be called "The Grib". (Grib being Gothic crib.)
"I'm sorry I didn't believe you Bill. You forgive me?"
"Of course," he laughed. "Now will you believe me more often?"
"Definitely!"
We're seated at our tables and order our choices. I just got a garden salad while Bill got a small plate of spaghetti.
"Bill, this place is awesome. What made you want to come in here?" I didn't think Bill would come in here from the look of the outside.
"Well, to be honest, I also thought it was a very peppy place until a girl brought me in here. She ran out of here the second she stepped in, dragging me with her. If she weren't following us everywhere, I would've stayed with her. Instead, I came back in and got something to...."
"Wait, back up. There's a girl stalking you?"
"Yeah. She doesn't care about the others as much as she does me. She is such a...."
"Bitch?"
"Yeah. I do not know what to do! She follows me everywhere and thinks we are together. But we are not. I do not like her at all. I like someone else. She hasn't met the rest of the band yet, but..."
"We're getting off topic!!" I don't want to hear anything else about this girl. "So the stalker, do you know her name? Maybe I know who she is."
"Yes. Her name is Britt." Britt? Seriously?! She would never go for someone like Bill! Why is she stalking him?

Britt's perspective
"They went in there? God! I guess I have to go in there too." After dragging Bill in and outof there last time he was here, I never wanted to go back into Happy Harry's. But this is an emergency! "Is the disguise in the back?"
"Um, yes. Are you sure you want to go in? I thought you were seeing that Bill guy anyway."
"I am, but I just can't stand Lexis having a boyfriend."
"Maybe it's her cousin or something! Her older cousin who's butt-ugly and only went in there for her!"
"SHUT UP! It can't be her cousin!"
I get out of the car and open the trunk. A bag with black clothing and makeup lay there. I grab it and run into the Wal-Mart across the street.
~~*~~
"Oh my god! You can not be Britt!"
I'm wearing a black shirt with holes in it, black pants with chains and safety pins on it, black leather fingerless gloves, my usual makeup, only black instead of pink, fake earrings on my cartilages, and a black wig.
"I'm ready for Happy Harry's."

Hey again! It's Jessica.

TokioHotelVampire wrote:"COME ON BILL! Tell me where we're going!"

- When somebody speaks, tell us who is speaking. I know there is only two people in the car but it would be proper to do so. Here is how I would have written this sentence.

" Come on Bill, please tell me where we're going! I pleaded, shooting him a cute puppy dog face.

Just a suggestion.

TokioHotelVampire wrote:"I keep telling you that it is a surprise." I make a pouty face and cross my arms. Bill looks over at me and smiles. "Do not worry Lexis. I am sure you will love the place I am taking you to."

No offense, but this sentence needs work, deary. Remember- Show don't tell!
Here is how I would have written it-

" I told you Lexis, it's a surprise!" I made yet another irresistible pouty face and crossed my arms over my chest. Bill shot me one of those dreamy smiles of his, " Don't worry, I'm sure you'll love this place."

And "pouty" isn't really a word. I would try and find similar word.

TokioHotelVampire wrote:He parks in the parking lot, gets out and runs to my door. He opens my door and helps me out. Show not tell! Arg! "He parked.."" "He opened..." Would sound a lot better.
"Thank you Bill." Who said " Thank you Bill? Huh Huh
"You are welcome." He smiles and takes my hand. We walk up to...Instead of saying "We walked up to..." You could say, for instance, what the building looks like. Does it look old or new. Scary or fun?

TokioHotelVampire wrote:"DEAR GOD NO! I am NOT going in there!" Happy Harry's is the preppiest restaurant probably in the world! It's completely awful! I've never been inside because of how preppy it is.

Eh Eh! Who said that? Lexis! So say, "DEAR GOD NO! I am NOT going in there!" I screeched, stopping in my tracks. Or something like that.

TokioHotelVampire wrote:"Do not worry. The outside is supposed to fool everybody as well as the name. Close your eyes until we are inside if you want, but you must trust me."

Bill explained

TokioHotelVampire wrote:"I'm sorry I didn't believe you Bill. You forgive me?"

I asked, letting out a sigh of relief.

TokioHotelVampire wrote:"Definitely!"

I said, sounding totally psyched.

Okay, so I'm not going to review the rest of it right now. If you read this, then let me know and I'll come back for the rest if you'd like.

So, keep writing and work hard! Remember to read through before you post to be sue everything sounds okay

Cool so far, just needs a little work.

- Jessica

I really appreciate all the reviewing you're doing to my story. You're giving me so many tips and hints and I am definitley using them in the future! I just edited the whole chapter and I kept all your advise in my head while doing so. Thank you so much!