Young Writers Society

I don't really know if this counts as a fanfic cos theres no charachers from the Percy Jackson series execept the Gods but i ob's need them !

You may of read my other story begining fighting gods...ect this is a very diffrent but rewritten version of that

Pushing Fate

Sean

You are going to think im crazy, weird, and insane and maybe your going to think I need to go to a hospital but you have to trust me, it’s 100 % true…

It all started about a month ago, before my life totally changed, before I found out I had to save the world, before I met a red and blue haired girl who made me think I had more chance of being a Greek Demi-god and kind of saving the world than becoming friends with her…
(By the way both happened)

I sat in class, bored, hardly listening to a word our teacher was saying. “Yo, dude, would you like another detention?” My best friend Paul whispered to me, I ignored him but he did have a point, my mom would go mat if I got another det I wouldn’t hear the end of it. I suffered from ADHD and dyslexia which didn’t make school easy for me, I was a loner. The only friend I had was Paul and only because he was the same, ADHD and dyslexia…see we go together like strawberries and cream, (That sounds really stupid doesn’t it?).
Later that day I was stood behind the garages at school were most of the teachers kept there Land Rover and BMW’s all I was doing was listening to my Ipod, when I saw a large a black figure, I couldn’t tell what it was but it seemed like a giant tiger it was easily taller than the garages so why couldn’t any one see it?
The spent the rest of the school day trying to figure out if what I saw was real, I was freaked out, but I went for option two.
I walked home alone through a small pat of Manhattan to my moms flat. we lived alone and she had done a good job of looking after me. I hadn’t been the easiest kid to bring up im fifteen and I’ve been expelled from four schools…even though it wasn’t my fault that the school kitchen set on fire when I was the only one in there ( and I could have been killed! All they were bothered about was getting me expelled!) and again it wasn’t my fault that zoo keeper was nearly a surprise meal to the Lion’s on that trip to New York Zoo!
The flat was empty so it was obvious that my mum was still at work at the travel agents in town. I dumped my bag pack on the sofa and walked out to the balcony overlooking the street, it was a dull and wet day but the streets was still busy with people shouting and cars speeding and the neighbourhood cats were out, Jinx, Antonio, Missy and Smokey waiting for there daily saucer of milk. I picked up the empty saucer from the day before and took it to the kitchen and filled it with milk and went back out to the balcony and give them the milk, they started to lap away at it why I stared up to the sky and started to day dream. I got distracted my a door opening and then clumsily getting slammed shut, my mum was home “Hey honey!” she called from the living room.
“ Hi” I shouted back to her then walked up to her, she was probley the same height as me maybe a bit shorter. I looked nothing like her I had ebony hair with a electric blue streak I had, had since I was a baby ( which didn’t make sense why would you be born with a blue hair streak? Answer me that one!)
My eyes were the exact same colour as the stupid hair streak and my skin was just…normal. On the other hand my mum has hazel eyes and messy blonde hair.
I offered to make tea but she objected saying “ you’ve made it for the last two weeks! Anyway I don’t need any more of that food poisoning again” I laughed and she patted me on the head .
Paul came round later that day, I didn’t bother telling him about what happened behind the garages because I had put it down to my crazy imagination, (there was no point in telling anyone really, if is wasn’t real ain’t there? ). We sat and played video games I won most of the games, okay all of them… Paul was gutted that he kept losing but he cheered up once my mum announced that the rainbow cookies were out of the oven.


i know you will go on about me not having enouth detail about the figure behind the garges but it was playing up and not letting me edit so im adding it in part 2 any way he dont think its that big of a deal in this bit !

Hey Fly! What I noticed here was that you had a LOT of G.U.M.S errors. If I point them all out, this review would be way too long. I also noticed that you had basically the same storyline and quite a few of the same events as the PJ series has. I mean, this is a fan fiction, but I think it could use some tone-down on the likeness between them.

I DID like where you're taking this, however. And it made me want to read more. When you told the reader about the red-and-blue haired girl, I had to keep scrolling down.

I did like it! But just pay attention to the G.U.M.S in future pieces!

~Star

TheNewHero here for a quick review. Okay, first of all let me say I love Percy Jackson and by the way there's anew series coming out: The Heroes of Olympus and the first book is called The Lost Hero. You can read the first two chapters at http://www.camphalfblood.com/ and enter newhero[/] for the password (Let it be known I had nothing to do with the password). Okay, into the review.

I noticed two things in this story, two problems: Style and Your View Point.

[b]Style
You tried way too hard to make something that sounds a lot like Percy Jackson. The problem is, it didn't work. Percy Jackson seems to be ridden with sarcasm. The problem is it's NOT Write like a real person, just because your main character is a troubled kid doesn't mean he has to be cynical and skeptical. Rather develop his character, his voice and everything. So rather than just have us think that this is a Percy Jackson RIP-OFF, make it a SPIN-OFF.

View Point
This story had the problem of mainly skipping around in scenes and explaining. A good way to write a chapter is to pick an event (Usually a bad one) and a few characters. Narrate it however, but don't skip to much. DOn't let explanations come until there are questions, make sense? We already know about ADHD and Dyslexia, and if not, sneak it in somewhere with your main character struggling to read or something (You did a good job of that already, though)

Your descriptions were great and (Let me guess) your main character is the son of Zeus? If so then head over to the website I gave you earlier and you can see a son of Zeus as Rick Riordan imagined it. He can fly!

Well, I hope this helped. Improve on those areas and make sure your spelling is up to date.

In Awesomeness,
Peace and Fun,
Your fellow YWSer,
TheNewHero!

I think your piece reads like a parody so far, as so many details (like how he got expelled from schools and whatnot) are so close to the main series. Which is fine- if you're shooting for a parody. If not... get creative! Make the story your own, not Rick Riordan's.
That aside, I like your actual storyline and what's going on. The blue streak in his hair thing caught my attention, I'm curious to see who the Olympian father is. I have to agree with the previous post about skipping around a lot, though, so just go back and try to make the events more fluid. There's one thing, though...
ninety percent of your sentences are waaaaaaaaaaay too long. Don't be afraid of the periods! Go back and try to read it out loud. I think you'll find you can't read the whole sentence without running out of breath or sounding rushed and unnatural. If that's the case, break the sentence into two or maybe even three. It's an easy fix- just takes some time and a little thought, and you'll be amazed how much it can improve.
Grammar aside, though, I thought it was well put together and I can't wait to see what happens next!
Good luck, and let me know if you have any questions.