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Young Writers Society


Silent hill Girl in the Fire ch 4



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Fri Jul 17, 2009 1:55 am
Maki-Chan says...



kinda short chapter. I am on page 20! YAY! ^_^

Chapter 4
Fights and disappearing

The next day, Allie was walking towards the cafeteria for breakfast when she heard someone arguing. Heading towards the voices, Allie saw who it was. Lizzy was backed up against the lockers surrounded by a group of girls. “Aww, look. It’s the retard,” One of the girls insulted Lizzy.
“Stop it I haven’t done anything wrong against you,” Lizzy pleaded.
The girls laughed.
“Guess what, your fucking face pisses me off,” Another girl stated.
“ You think that you can be stupid around us? Well I have something to tell you, idiots don’t go to this school.” The girl lifted her fist.
“Hey! Don’t you dare make fun of Lizzy!” Allie yelled.
The group of girls looked around to see another girl. Allie’s hands were in fists. “Looks like the retard has a friend.”
“Guess she’s also a weakling.”
Allie flinched. No one made fun of her friends. She ran at the girls and punched the middle one in the face, making her drop to the floor. The other girls stepped away. “Bitch.” one of them whispered.
“Hey! What are you girls doing?” A teacher shouted.
The group of girls scurried away, feeling high and mighty. “Pathetic.” She turned to Lizzy. “Are you ok?”
The brunette punched Allie in the jaw. Allie fell back, surprised. “I can fight my own fights. I’m not weak.” Lizzy muttered.
“Lizzy, I.”
“Shut up. I don’t want to hear it.” Lizzy growled as she walked away, leaving Allie on the ground.
“What got into her?” Allie wondered.
“Allie!” A voice shouted.
Looking behind, Allie saw Ali and Crimson run over to her. “We saw what happened, are you ok?” Ali asked.
“Why did Lizzy punch you?” Crimson questioned Allie.
“She said she wanted to fight her own battle.” Allie told them.
Crimson sighed. “Lizzy has always been saved by someone else. She’s never fought against anything on her own. It must have gotten to her.”
Standing up, Allie began to run in the direction Lizzy ran. “ I have to apologize to her. I didn’t know.”
Crimson and Ali followed her.

********

Lizzy was sitting in the schools park on a bench. She was trying to suppress her tears, but will little success. “I was such a jerk. I can’t believe I punched Allie.” Lizzy sobbed.
Someone placed her hand on Lizzy’s shoulder. “It’s ok Lizzy. I am the one who’s sorry.”
Shaking her head, Lizzy’s eyes began to tear up even more. “Did I hurt you?”
Allie sat beside Lizzy on the bench. “You kidding? I was surprised. You have one heck of an arm there. Gave me a run for my money.”
Lizzy giggled. “Really?”
Allie gave Lizzy a hug. “ I’m a fighter, so I can take a hit. I’m sorry that I ignored your pride. I would be mad too if everyone fought my battles for me.”
“Yeah?” Lizzy chuckled.
“So, please stop crying.” Allie said as she wiped Lizzy’s tears away.
“Thanks.”
A loud scream interrupted their touching moment. “Ali!” Crimson screamed
Lizzy and Allie jumped off the bench and ran towards the screams. “Allie! Lizzy! Help!” Crimson screamed.
The men dressed in the mining outfits were back, and trying to take Ali and Crimson away. “Let them go!” Lizzy shouted as she ran at them with Allie.
Somehow Ali had got free of the man holding her. “Lizzy run!” She screamed.
A man was behind her holding a wrench. Before Lizzy could do anything, the man whacked the back of her head, knocking her out. Allie was about to run towards her, but then another man grabbed her from behind. She squirmed and tried to fight back, but it was all in vain. The man’s thick mining suit protected him from her blows. He held her tightly. Crimson and Ali were being held as well. They all watched as Lizzy was carried away by a man. Allie bit down on his gloved finger. He cried out in pain. “Lizzy!” Allie shrieked.
Another man grabbed her legs, as she tried to kick him. “Dammit this one is struggling too much!”
“Let them go you bastards or I’ll kill you!” Allie threatened them.
The men just laughed. Lizzy had been taken. The sounds of a bomb siren made their laughter fade. “Crap. What now?” one of the men asked.
“Leave them, we'll get them later.”
The men released the girls and ran away. Ali tried to stand up but she was in too much pain. The sound of the sirens was like a deafening screech across the land. The girl’s covered their ears. Watching helplessly, as the land began to transform before them. The soft green grass began to burn and fade away into ash. All that was left was hard metal and cement floors. The sky began to darken into a black with a red tint. The school buildings changed into what seemed to be nothing but prisons from hell. The darkness soon blanketed everything and the girls soon lost consciousness.

-

Moderator: rating changed to R due to heavy swearing.
Last edited by Maki-Chan on Fri Jul 17, 2009 11:58 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Fri Jul 17, 2009 2:37 pm
blackpencil says...



Good story but i just found some things you might want to know about.

[“Hey! Don’t you dare make fun of Lizzy!”? Allie yelled.]

Why is there a question mark here?

Also, just a thing with quotations. If you are making a quote are a character is saying something that has something come after it, like "Lizzy said" or something, the quotation end in a comma, not a period. If it's the last thing in a paragraph, though, then that's perfectly right to use a period.

[The men just laughed. Lizzy was nowhere to be seen. The sounds of a bomb siren made their laughter fade. “Crap. What now?” one of the men asked.

“ Leave them, we got what we came for.”

The men released the girls and ran away....]

Sorry but if these creepers had already gotten what they came for then why were they bothering the girls? I didn't understand this. Did they take Lizzy?


[A loud scream interrupted their touch moment. “Ali!” Crimson screamed.]

Shouldn't this be a "bonding moment" or "touching moment"?

[A man was behind her holding a wrench. Before Lizzy could do anything, the man whacked the back of her head, passing her out.]

I think you mean KNOCKED her out.

[Allie was about to run towards her, but then another man grabbed her from behind. She squirmed and tried to fight back; however it was all in vain.]

I think the semicolon here is pretty unnecessary. You could have put {She squirmed and tried to fight back, but in vain} or something.

Anyway sorry if i tore your story apart! Jut trying to help!
If you're learning from your mistakes, you shouldn't be making the same ones again.
  





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Fri Jul 17, 2009 8:01 pm
defendthelegend says...



omg again raellly good.

black pencil might be right, but I don't care! I am loving your book soo much!
can't wait to read more. The others are shinning through a bit more now :D
and there have been more additions to the character pile wich is good.
Don't I just love you for writing this story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
I wrote your name in the sand and the sea washed it away! I wrote your name in my heart and there it will stay.
  





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Fri Jul 17, 2009 10:36 pm
Maki-Chan says...



Glad you loved it. I will fix those mistakes (Oops) guess that's what I get for writing at 4 am. My goal is to get this done before school starts, wish me luck ^_^
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287 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1650
Reviews: 287
Sat Jul 18, 2009 12:00 am
Maki-Chan says...



YEAH! I edited all of my chapters except 3, cause I have no detailed review v_v.
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Sometimes my life just sounds like surrealistic fiction being sold on clearance at the book store.
— J. G. Hammersmith