Young Writers Society

I continue my story (Duh) Also, if anyone wants a reason for Seph Fowl to do this, I will put it in my next chapter.


Chapter 2:
Discovery.

Artemis Fowl looked at his safe miserably. He had been, for one of the first times in his life, robbed. And by his own younger cousin, no less. What he was more worried about, however, was what was stolen. It was a book. The fairy Bible, to be exact. Artemis himself had had it come into his possession by stealing it from a drunken sprite. He had done his best, but his cousin showed no sign of were it was kept, or if he knew what it was. Artemis would have to call in reinforcements.



********************


Captain Holly Short of the LEP was under attack. She shot her Neutrino pistol, but it did little good to ease the flow of fire coming at her. Suddenly a message signal appeared on the view screen of her helmet. She pressed a button and the blasts from the practice range robots turned off.

"Foaly, I've gotta take this message. It's from 'Source 1'"

The message from Artemis read, "Fairy book stolen. Cousin is suspected. Repeat of incident one is possible." Holly frowned. If Artemis's Fairy book was stolen…Uh-oh. This was a disaster! She had barely saved her reputation last time! And she had Julius Root to help her then! She said to Foaly, "You should look at this."

*******************


Ydrab was an elf. His most recognizable characteristic was his jet-black hair. Also, he was a technological genius to rival even Foaly. However, he was not with the LEP. He was a private businessman, working for anyone, anywere, anytime.
In his business, he used his own inventions, LEP weapons, or a hybrid of the two. He was also not the best citizen of Haven city. In fact, he had been in and out of jail for a variety of cases.
One of the more well known escapades that sent him to jail was the time he shot the brother of Commander Julius Root in the leg. That was the one that had given him the most time in prison. In fact, with the extra time in jail, he had almost gotten on friendly terms with the famous Mulch Diggums.
Yet his most famous antics were when he had stole a state-of-the-art LEP shuttle and gone to the surface. On this voyage, he had talked to several humans, and played havoc with the human's systems. The LEPRecon forces had to be sent in to capture him, and it had taken nearly a month to track him down and trap him away from humans. The battle was almost legendary among the fairy children.
Our story with him begins after he had been released from100 years in prison. It was only 100 years because of early release for good behavior. He had returned to his old safe house and gathered his things to begin a job in partnership with a dwarf.
Their mission was to scout out LEP security for Foaly, so he could fully recalibrate LEP systems. Many files had been lost to Opal Koboi in the goblin rebellion. Some systems not on file had been going off. This led Foaly to start a crazy quest to map all systems of the LEP.
Ydrab had only a small idea of what they were trying to do. But he had no idea of what would actually happen to him. He was irrevocably tied now to the quest of Seph Fowl.
He started off down the streets of Haven on his hovering bike-like invention. Within fifteen minutes, he was in front of the LEP offices. Heading for the back door, he grabbed his multi-tool from his pocket and picked the top security lock for some practice. It took thirty seconds. When he entered, he almost ran right into Holly Short.
"Whoa, why all the rush cousin? Or should I say Capitain Short?"

Holly glared at him. "This is no time for jokes. Get to Foaly's office and I'll tell you. We need all the help we can get."

*********************

Once inside, a confused Ydrab looked questioningly at Holly and Foaly.
"Okay, please tell me what is going on." he said.
Holly began her explanation. "Do you remember Artemis Fowl?"
"Yes. Didn't he save your life again?"
"We're both even! But we're off subject," she said veheminently, "we should be talking about the problem. Artemis kept the copy of the Fairy book that he stole, under the promise of his best security. The problem is that this wasn't enough to keep his younger cousin, Joseph Fowl, from breaking into his house and making off with the Fairy book. We don't know if Joseph has decoded it and we want to know if he has, to gauge what the best response is. We do not want a repeat of our first contact with the Fowl family. That's were you come in. We need at least a two person team to go and do reconiscence. I am going because of my history with the Fowls. You are going because I said so, and you have the skills I need. Got that?"
Ydrab nodded and replied, "I'll need above ground equipment."
Holly smiled. For once, this might actually work out. She would later think of how wrong she was.

Nice!! As before, descriptions descriptions descriptions, I still liked it a lot!! Awesome story, but aren't you repeating this way too much? I mean, another Foaly, another Mulch another everything! This could really be unique, you're turning it into a mirror of Artemis Fowl! Still, I liked it oh so very much. pm me about the next chapter will ya? Oh, and I wanted to say that the real Holly Shorts would have cursed Artemis.
Ofir

Okaaaaaay, I haven't read a lot of the Artemis Fowl books, but I do know what you're talking about.... kinda. And now for the fun part!!!

Like Ofir said, you really need to work on descriptions. Even though we know a lot about the characters from the actual books, we still need descriptions.

He had been, for one of the first times in his life, he had been robbed.

Repetitive, repetitive, repetitive. You repeat it and it makes absolutely no sense. You might want to say: "He had been, for one of the first times in his life, robbed." (don't worry about the quotation marks though. )

Holly frowned. If Artemis's Fairy book was stolen…Uh-oh. She said to Foaly, "You should look at this."

Okay, I've read at least the first few, and I know and love Holly Short. And this Holly is waaaaaay to mild. Make her more angry. If what happened in the first book happens again, she would be freaking out. And I mean, yelling and acting frustrated. Work on Holly a bit more.

LEPRecon

okay little snippet here. Isn't it LEP recon or something like that?

Okay, that's all I can see right now. I might rereview it, but so far it's good. PM me when you write again.

Lucyy

This piece is very interesting, but it lacked a lot of details needed. The characters were blank, the setting, unexplained. You described the characters a bit, but just a bit. Readers need to really know the characters well to like them, and like the story. So reveal your characters, don't hide them! As for the Captain Holly Short being attacked, I had no idea where this was taking place! Just mention here and there, were her boots clicking against the ceramic floor, or were her boots getting sogged by the wet glass?

He had been, for one of the first times in his life, he had been robbed.- simply leave it at "He had been, for the first time time in his life, robbed"

Uh-oh.- Don't put dash line.

he had been released from100 years in prison.- Put a space between 'from' and '100'. Also, I'd write 100 out, to make it look bigger.

His bottom was also almost as famous as that of the celebrated Mulch Diggums. Some said that his bottom was greater.- If his bottom is greater, shouldn't he be more famous?

And as Lucy Pennykettle said, Captain Holly Short can get a bit grumpy, so really try to relate the characters of Artemis Fowl in this story. Also, Ydrab is a very...odd name. I remembered I read this book where there were two or three characters with really freaky names, most people would just put it down, but I stuck with it. I was confused the whole book.
Hoped this help, and sorry if I was too harsh!
*Winie*

Chapter two? Lets see if it surpasses chapter one.

Artemis Fowl looked at his safe miserably. He had been, for one of the first times in his life, [s]he had been [/s]robbed.

Error number one. you have in the sentence repeated 'he had been' twice which is of course wrong.

What he was more worried about was what Seph had stolen. It was a book. The fairy Bible, to be exact.

Artemis himself [s]had [/s]had it come into his possession by stealing it from a drunken pixie.

The message from Artemis read, "Fairy book stolen. Cousin [s]is [/s]suspected. Repeat of incident one is possible." Holly frowned. If Artemis's Fairy book was stolen…Uh-oh. [s]She said to Foaly, [/s]"You should look at this."She said to Foaly.

Now come on we've read the Artemis Fowl books. We all know that this is not the way Holly would react to a message like this!

In his business, he used his own inventions, LEP weapons, or a hybrid of the two. He was also not the best citizen of Haven city. In fact, he had been in and out of jail for a variety of cases in the past.

On this voyage, he had talked to several humans, and played havoc with the human[s]'[/s]s systems.

What do you mean by human systems? Human computer systems or human nerve system etc?

Our story with him begins after he had been released from[s]100[/s]a hundred years in prison. It was only 100 years because of early release for good behavior.

Now this part was great, when talking about only the story.

On the other hand like before you have not managed to actually explain the settings. Also the charcters are like empty barrels. Whats worse is that piece is written like a prologue instead of a chapter.

Corrections Corrections! Corrections!! You are supposed to edit the chapter after someone reviews it so the next reader to review your story will not encounter the same mistake again. The same mistake was done in the last piece. Edit the story please!

wow this is great. pm me on the next chapter please. i love Artemis Fowl. you did a great job other than minor errors that the others pointed out including description and Holly's personality needs to be adjusted to how she really is. But all in all this is an awesome story line just keep adding to it.
I advise you to keep one thing in mind when writing: Enjoy what you write because if you write something and totally hate it how can you expect your readers to enjoy it?