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The Curse(01)



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Tue Jul 15, 2008 2:47 am
Night Mistress says...



Warning: I highly suggest that you have read the Protector of Small Quartet By Tamora Pirece before you understand this story.[u]

Chapter 1

It was a regular day at New Hope. Keladry, or Kel as friends knew her, was walking around to make sure that everyone was doing their duties. As she walked around, her vision started to spin.

‘I better sit down before I fall down’ she thought. She went to the mess hall for the Midday meal. She didn’t grab any thing though, she just sat down.

“Hey, Kel. Are you okay?” Merric of Hollyrose asked as he sat down beside her.

“I’m fine, Merric. I’m just a little bit dizzy, that’s all,” she answered looking at him.

“Maybe you should rest – you do have that big trip to Steadfast tomorrow,” he stated concerned.

“I think I’ll take a rest for awhile. Please don’t tell Neal though, I don’t want him to worry,” she said giving Merric a grin, “he has a enough to worry about in the infirmary.”

“Right,” Merric said. He gave her a nod, which she returned.

“See you later, Merric,” she said as she got up and left. She went to Tobe to tell him where she was going and to see if he needed anything.

“Lady!” Tobe said as she approached. He noticed her wobbly walk. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine. I’m going to rest for a while. Come get me if anything happens,” she said to the young boy.
“Where will you be?” he asked.

“I’ll be in my room,” she said, “you may continue what you are doing now.”

She walked to her room. She lay down to rest and then noticed that she was sweating really badly. She had someone bring up some cold water and put into the tub. She took off her clothes and stepped into the cold bath and hissed as the cold water touched her hot, sweaty skin. She washed off all of the sweat, pouring cold water all over herself.

The bath had cooled her down somewhat, but she still felt hot. She got out of the bath and dried off. She then put on a clean breast band and loincloth under a light colored tunic and tan breeches. She walked over to her bed and climbed in. Sighing as she lay down.

I can only hope that this ends after a good rest she thought before she closed her eyes and fell asleep.

Hours later

She woke up to a loud banging on her door.

“Kel! Wakey, wakey!” a voice said from outside the room. She grinned at the voice, rolling her eyes. ‘I feel a little bit better. Maybe some food will help’ she thought as she got out of bed, walked over to the door and opened it.

A tall, lanky young man was outside her door, in the corridor. He had bright green eyes and hairs that was pointing out in every direction from being combed backwards with bare finger.

“Dinner-time, milady,” he bowed to her, with a courtly flourish.

“How did you know that I was here?” she asked

“Tobe,” he replied, “let’s get dinner, I’m starving.” She put on her boots and then closed the door. Together they walked towards the mess hall. They arrived and got their food and sat down next to Merric. Kel sighed as she picked at her food. Neal looked at her, worriedly.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine. Just tired for some odd reason,” she answered.

“How can you be tired when you just got up from a nap?” he asked concerned. He raised a glowing, green hand. “Maybe I should examine you.” Kel waved him off with a flick of her hand.

“No, Neal. Save your energy,” she said in a steady voice. “I’m just going to try and get some more rest. I’ll see both of you in the morning.” She put away her untouched food then walked back to her room.

Merric and Neal watched her go.

“I’m worried, Neal,” Merric said as he turned to his healer friend.

“Me too, Merric, me too,” Neal said as he continued to watch Kel walk away until she was out of sight.
Last edited by Night Mistress on Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:37 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Tue Jul 15, 2008 3:17 am
Lethero says...



As she walked around, her vision started to get dizzy.


I'm not sure dizzy is the right word for this.


better sit down before I fall down’he thought.


Thought is usually expressed by italisizin' them. The apostrophe is used for quotin' between someone's speech.

“I think I’ll take a rest for awhile. Please don’t tell Neal though, I don’t want him to worry,” she said as she gave a grin. "He has a enough to worry about in the infirmary.”



“Lady!” Tobe said as she approached.



“I’m fine. I’m going to rest for a while. Come get me if anything happens,” she said to the young boy.


Try: I'm fine," she said to the young boy. "I'm going to rest for a while. Come get me if anything happens."


“I will be in my room,” she said. "You may continue what you are doing, now.”



She walked to her room. She now noticed that she was sweating really badly. She had someone bring up some cold water and put into the tub. She took off her clothes and stepped into the cold bath. She hissed as the cold water touched her hot, sweaty skin. She washed off all of the sweat.



The bath had cooled her down somewhat, but she still felt hot.



I will stop at halfway through this story. I don't like saying this, but I have to: this story sucks. The reason I stopped halfway because it could not hold my intrest, I had no clue what's going on, and there is no description. I am sorry to be blunt and harsh, but this story need to be improved big time. I will be happy to review a story if you need me to, but if it's like this crap above I will not even glance at it.

Boon the Werewolf
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*Lethero*
  





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Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:36 pm
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Night Mistress says...



I edited it, so hopefully it sounds better and

Boon:
I don't mean to be rude but you would have to read the books first before understand this story.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Sat Nov 15, 2008 6:08 am
cooldude19967 says...



I've read Tamora Pierce, actually, I just reread this series, and I still have to say it makes little sense to me. It needs some major editing and seems to have no point whatsoever. The entire thing is just showing that Kelaldry is tired! Is there more for this so that we can get a better sense of what your actually trying to achieve?
Ready and willing to rip your work to shreds! (That is if you want it) Check out my "will review for food" thread.

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Tue Nov 18, 2008 7:08 am
Tamora says...



Hey, i like to see a Tamora pierce fanfic, but I do agree with the others. this is too short. I won't go as far as saying it's crap, but I do agree that it needs more. I think you've kept Pierce's style quite well, but she wouldn't do something of this length without some hint at why. The main charactor needs to say that it's strange if it is, Neal said that she's just come from a nap, wouldn't she reply in some sort of confusion. something to suggest suspicion if that is the case.

I think Boon's got most of the grammar and stuff, so i won't talk about that.

...and to see if he needed anything.

“Lady!” Tobe said as she approached. He noticed her wobbly walk. “Are you alright?”
The exclamation of "Lady!" is not lead up to, I feel as though it's supposed to be part of the "Are you alright?" sentance, but you need to show that. Maybe she stumbles before he says it, or something.

Overall you need to work on the ideas that you are presenting, and how. I see that you have a second part to this. Maybe you should join them rather than keeping them seperate, it could help explain what's happening. I haven't read it yet, so I'm not sure.
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Tue Nov 25, 2008 8:24 pm
Rosendorn says...



Where is this around Lady Knight? The trip to Steadfast makes me think it's before the attack on Haven, but that's impossible because she's at New Hope. Is it somewhere before the epilogue or somewhere after? And in Trickster's Choice it's mentioned that the Scanrins are wavering.

Is this all of chapter 1? Because if it is I'd like to see chapter 2.

What is this leading up to? I expected Kel to dream something to give us a clue, or more of a report on what's going on at Steadfast/the war. If it's a personal thing, my statment still stands and a dream could still work.

Tamora Pierce has got quite a lot of exposition/discription on her work. This piece is lacking that somewhat. Although the dialogue is pretty good. I'll give you points on that.

Where is the seer child? (I forget her name). She tends to pop up.

It was hinted that Neal was getting married soon at the end of Lady Knight. Where is that? Where is his everlasting wit? And I have never known him to let somebody go off without either a healing or being examened. The only time he does is when he's so stretched to the limit he can bearely move. Remember in Page (perhaps in was First Test) he talked Kel into getting the bruise on her foot healed and in Lady Knight he talked Tobe into getting a healing, her into fixing her cold and a whole host of other things.
  





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Tue Nov 25, 2008 11:13 pm
Night Mistress says...



Rosey Unicorn:

Chapter 2 is up. This takes place right after Lady Knight during the epilogue. and chapter 3 is up as well.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Tue Dec 23, 2008 8:41 am
Sunpies says...



I've read this author and series more times than I can count and I think I know why your reviewers are wrong in some of their criticism (or why you might feel they are).

Pierce's writing style delves deeply into Kel's head - it opens her thoughts for us when the various events are happening. You don't do this. It's reminiscent of Pierce's writing style in SotL (there she spends more time describing actions/dialogue and less on the inner parts).

Also, you make one of the most horrid crimes in fanfiction: redundancy. Your wording is often redundant and your thoughts clarify ideas that are already perfectly clear to the readers. Meanwhile, you could spend more time on other ideas (such as when the story is taking place and describing Meric and Neal), but you don't.

Your reviewers, therefore, were right in some aspects, but seemed to point you in the wrong direction in other ways. I don't think this story sucks but I do suggest finding a BETA or (if your second chapter has a clearer point than Kel maybe having a fever or flu) combine with the second chapter.
  








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