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Young Writers Society


Westrion's Rider(05)



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Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 250
Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:10 pm
Night Mistress says...



A service was held for Karigan in the main throne room. People paid their respects and laid flowers at the base of the marble funeral slab. It was a prettily decorated with carved flowers and woodland scenes. Karigan lay upon it dressed in a loose white gown. People mourned for her in respectful silence. What they didn’t know was that a ghost figure had joined them.

Karigan touched a man’s shoulder, but found it went right through him. She backed away in shock.

“What’s going on?” she asked. Karigan looked to the side of her and saw a beautiful woman who looked at her and smiled.

“Do you know who I am?” the woman asked.

“Of course, you’re my mother.” Kariny walked closer to Karigan. She cupped her daughter’s cheek and placed a motherly kiss on her forehead.

“My Karigan, look how you grown.”

“Mother, what going on?” Karigan asked, looking around at the people.

“Why sweetheart,” Kariny said, slowly, “Karigan, you’re dead. We are at your funeral.”

“What?” Karigan said, shocked. She looked around weaving through the people. She stopped when she saw Zachary. He looked hollow, like something had died inside. She walked close to him. She cautiously raised her hand to his bearded cheek, but her hand went passed through him when she meant to touch him. She turned to her mother.

“Why I am here if I am dead?”

Kariny walked over to her daughter and wrapped an arm around her to lead her to the body.

“The gods are giving you another chance. Westrion has chosen you to be his avatar,” Kariny said as she helped Karigan perch herself on the marble next to her body.

“Then what parts to you have in this?” Karigan asked.

“My job was to guide you back to your body and tell you that you will be happy with the one who you love,” Kariny said as she began to push Karigan’s spirit back to her body. “Please take care of your father for me.”

Karigan’s spirit merged with her body. Her body began to sweat and twitch as mind, body and soul realigned.

Stevic approached his daughter’s corpse, with tears in his eyes, and placed a hand gently on her cheek. Her eyes flittered.

“Papa,” she whispered. Furrows appeared between Stevic’s eyebrows as he doubted what he had heard. He leaned over her body, his ear to her mouth.

“Papa,” she whispered again, her eyes open. Stevic stumbled back in shock.

“She’s alive,” he yelled, “She’s alive.”

“Master G’ladheon…” King Zachary said as the guards closed in on Stevic. The poor man. He is losing his mind to grief. Zachary thought.

“She’s alive,” he said fiercely as the guards came closer to him. A cough erupted from Karigan’s throat, and she rolled to her side. Zachary stared at her for a dumbfounded moment.

“It can’t be,” Zachary whispered as he made his way off the dais. He brushed a hand against her cheek.

“You’re alive,” he said. His voice was cracking. Lady Estora let out a sob of happiness. Soon Riders, noble, and commoners alike were in an uproar as the news spread through the castle. A very somber day had suddenly turned into a day of rejoicing.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 1990
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Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:31 am
mikedb1492 says...



It was [s]a prettily[/s] decorated with carved flowers and woodland scenes.

'Prettily' isn't a word I'd use here, or in too many other places. Also get rid of the 'A'. I'm figuring it was a typo or something.
Karigan lay upon it dressed in a loose white gown.

Add a comma after 'loose'.
“My Karigan, look how [s]you[/s] grown.”

rewite that as- you've grown.
She cautiously raised her hand to his bearded cheek, but her hand [s]went[/s] passed through him

“Why [s]I am [/s]here if I am dead?”

"Why am I here...
Okay you had a few more writing mistakes and typos but I'll leave them to you to find. You should be able to find them and the others I showed you with some simple rereading, which you should start doing before posting.
“The gods are giving you another chance. Westrion has chosen you to be his avatar,” Kariny said as she helped Karigan perch herself on the marble next to her body.

Put the 'Kariny said' part and everything after it right after the first sentence. The main problem with what you did was have two sentences before the 'said' part, which can sound weird.

Overall, you're mistakes were't too bad, and the writing was good.
Edit: Sorry. I just saw that this wasn't the first part of the story. I'll go and delete a few things that are there since I don't know what happened previously.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.
  








There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
— Arthur C. Clarke