Young Writers Society

CHAPTER TWO: pressing up, two big newse, and two kidnappers!

the plane ride was short. as Kenny said "it aint a big deal"

Matt was the first to speak.

"Dear press persons, I have two very big things to say."

"WHAT ARE THEY?" asked the crowd

"two things that will change all of our lives."

"TELL US ALREADY"

"well, Vanessa, we've know each other since I had to play Troy in HSM3 after zac had a virus. After our first date, we fell in love. And it all started as a kiss and 120 pages of paper."

At this ears perked up.

"Then, at the LV Ritz, Drew and Niki kidnapped you, and out of love, I rescued you and put them behind bars. But I have one more thing to say..."

The crowd held it's breath.

"... Vanessa Anne Hudgens, will you marry me?"

"YES!"

at this point the crowd went wild.

"oh, and about the other thing, V's pregnant and I NOT ZAC, am the dad."

at this the crowd went crazy.

"so V, where's the 'moon?" asked Zac

"Florida." said V

"yes, where disney is." said zac

"come on now, off to the hospital for us two." said Matt ,pointing to V
--------------------------------
Chapter three will come soon
MATT

Eek! I just noticed: in the title: really is spelt relally.

Capitalise. Pretty please? With cherries on top and everything!

Do not, however, make WHOLE WORDS capitalised. It is incredibly irritating to read.

"two big newse" - Delete the e.

Again, your best bet would to add in some description because it seems a bit dry to quite frank. Even if you can see the situation in your head, lots of other people cannot, especially people like me, who haven't seen the films.

"at this the crowd went crazy." - change that to something different. Like: The crowd whooped. Or something.

" NOT ZAC," - this should be: I, not Zac ...

"so V, where's the 'moon?" What? Was Zac even there to begin with?

Sorry for being a terrible nit picker! I don't hate the story, it just needs to be tweaked to put it up to standard.

If you want further help, feel free to PM me.

I'm sorry to say that I actually couldn't help laughing in some parts. No offense! But you need to make the characters and the happenings more believable, which they are not at the moment. Sure, lots of people know who Zac and Vanessa are, but that doesn't mean you could completely skip the character development.

I won't be saying much about the capitalization as I already stormed about it in the last chapter's reviews. It was better this time, though, at least in some parts. Maybe that's because this chapter was shorter, I don't know.

"WHAT ARE THEY?" asked the crowd

"TELL US ALREADY"

First of all, don't USE CAPS ALL THE TIME. Secondly, these parts are not very realistic. A real press crowd would be waiting silently, holding their breaths. How do you suppose that all thse people would say the same thing exactly the same time?

"well, Vanessa, we've know each other since I had to play Troy in HSM3 after zac had a virus. After our first date, we fell in love. And it all started as a kiss and 120 pages of paper."

"Then, at the LV Ritz, Drew and Niki kidnapped you, and out of love, I rescued you and put them behind bars. But I have one more thing to say..."

I have to confess. These are the parts that I laughed at. Not reall because of the happenings, but the way you say them, it's just so... matter-of-fact. People don't say things like this like that.

at this point the crowd went wild.


"oh, and about the other thing, V's pregnant and I NOT ZAC, am the dad."


at this the crowd went crazy.

Notice anything? You used the same phrase (almost) and it doesn't sound good. Also, I don't think that anyone would announce about pregnancy like that, to a bunch of reporters? If you want even the slightest bit of privacy, nuh-uh.

So these are my nitpicks for today. I apologize if I sounded too harsh, I was just telling you about the facts that I think need fixing. Keep writing.


Demeter xx