Young Writers Society

Soul's Wrath




Chapter 1
Fading away



It's been two years since my brother, Kohaku, died. Or shall I say when I killed him. Ever since that fateful day, ever other day has been filled with nothing but despair and agony. I want to die, but something has kept me here, alive. I'm not sure why, but whatever it is, its strong enough to keep me hopeful. But what? I always ask myself.

The alarm clock's persistant beeping awakened me from my deep slumber. I opened my eyes instantly- to wake up in my bed, in my house, my small empty house. It was time for me to prepare for work, at eight o'clock in the morning. Rubbing my eyes, I coaxed myself to get up, and go to work, forcing myself out of bed I slipped on my slippers.

It seemed almost all days began like this- forcing myself up. Sometimes though, I would just go back to bed and skip life and responsibility. But today I was strong-willed enough to make my body move.

Stretching my arm, I clicked the "off" bottom on the alarm. The annoying beep really ticks me off. I walked to my closet, opening it and grabbing my work uniform. A black shirt and dark jeans. Wearing it made me look weird- which I hate so very much. But I put it on anyways, ignoring my agony.

Heading to the front door, I decided not to eat breakfast. Kohaku was always the one who made me eat breakfast, but since he wasn't here anymore I didn't have to. Once I grabbed my key, I left the house and started to walk to work."Yumi's Tuxes". It was strange for me to work there ,but as long as I stayed in the back, I didn't mind working there.

Walking down the sidewalk, millions of people flooded around me, passing me by. Though living people didn't usually come outside till around nine o'clock am. I was probably just crazy or something, so I never really care seeing things that were never really there. Then a loud monsterous roar crashed against me. I stopped and looked around. Behind me was a monster, that wore a colorful, disturbing mask.

The thing before me was large, and had a white colored body. Which was huntched like a gorilla. Its chest had a hole in it, that went through the other side.


It looked at me, and I stared at it. The weird thing was that I wasn't even afraid. Nothing really mattered anymore. I was not needed anymore. It walked towards me, making the ground beneath my feet. It walked closer and closer, but then it stopped. But why?

It screamed a unworldly scream as it faded away into dust. Something had killed it. I stood before the one who had killed it: A boy with a long sword and short glowing crimson hair.



*sorry couldn't really do much with chapter 1- its a joined fan-fiction with KilltheZombie.*

Sounds Great so Far!! I start Chapter Two Tomorrow

Hey, there! I decided to take a look at your work.

Ever since that fateful day ever other day has been filled with nothing but despair and agony

There should be a comma (,) between the words 'day' and 'ever'.

The annoying beeping sound, it really ticked me off.

That's an awkward sentence. Would 'The annoying beep really ticked me off.' work better?

Walking down the sidewalk I saw lost of people.

Hopefully 'lost' is a typo for 'lots.'

Behind me was a monster, it wore a mask.

I hope that I am not being too harsh. I haven't had the chance to look at other critiques on this site, but I don't want to sound horrible or anything. There are a lot of things bugging me with this sentence. Look at it. It's passive. It doesn't show emotion. It clearly states that there is a masked monster. What about the monster? How does she know it's a monster? There is so much description that you could put in right here! Emotions! Everything could combine to make this one sentence Steven King worthy.

Hope I helped. If I was too harsh, please tell me. I don't want to upset you or anything.

:Sythe:

its ok Sythe. Its important to help others with thier mistakes si they can improve. But there is a thin line between correcting and being just plain mean. Do not worry, you are still on the good side of the line.

I really like how you started this story off. To me it seems like it should be good. Well mostly I'm a person who likes to write stuff like that in my free time, but..I'll continue to read!!
It's really good!!

Thanks Rose, if killTheZobie (timmy) hurries up the next chapter should be soon.

Konbanwa!

I shall crit as I go. ^_^

Its been two years since my brother, Kohaku's death.

I think this is just a simple error. But first of all--"Its" should "it's". This is common mistake made when writing. "Its" shows ownership. So like "The dog wagged its tail." What you need here is "it's." This means "it is".

And then the error in sentence structure here is...well just read the sentence aloud to yourself, it doesn't make sense. XP I think you meant "It's been two years since my brother, Kohaku, died." Or otherwise, you could take out the comma. With the comma, you read it different, because you pause. That's what commas are really for. It's a pause in the middle of a sentence, used to separate phrases.

Or shall I say when I killed him.

Reading this makes me think of when Ichigo tells Rukia that he "killed" his mom. XP

I'm not sure why but whatever it is, its strong enough to keep me hopeful.

I believe you need a comma between "why" and "but" to make it a compound sentence, which it should be.

The alarm clock's annoying beeping awakens me from my deep slumber.

If in the next sentence you're using past tense, you need to use past tense here. It should be, "The alarm clock's annoying (I would choose a different, more descriptive word here, like persistant) beeping awakened me from my deep slumber."
This change here is just optional, I believe.

I opened my eyes instantly, to wake up in my bed, in my house, my small empty house.

That first comma after instantly, you don't need. To add more effect, you can put a hyphen there instead.

It was time for me to prepare for work, at 8:00 in the morning.

You need to spell out 8:00 (eight o'clock).

Rubbing my eyes, I lured myself to get up, and go to work. Forcing myself out of bed I slipped on my slippers.

I don't think "lured" is the right word here. I realize that you wanted to use a different word instead of "forced" so it won't be repetative, which is good, but "lured" doesn't really work. And the second phrase-"Forcing myself...slippers."--isn't a sentence. You just need to connect those two clauses by adding a comma between "work" and "forcing".

It seemed almost all days began like this, forcing myself up.

This is another place where a hyphen can be used! Instead of that comma, you can use a hyphen here. Hyphens are usually added for effect.

Sometimes though I would just go back to bed and skip life and responsibility.

You need a comma between "though" and "I".

But today I was strong willed enough to make my body move.

"Strong" and "willed" need to be hyphenated.

Stretching my arm, I clicked the off bottom on the alarm.

I don't know exactly how to explain this one, but "off" needs to be put in quotes (like I did there). Because you are not talking about an action that your character is taking directly and instead talking about the title of a button on the alarm clock, you need to put it quotes. If you had said, "Stretching my arm, I clicked off the alarm," then you don't need to quotation marks. Does this make sense?

The annoying beep really ticked me off.

This needs to be in present tense. You aren't talking about something that ticked her/him off in the past (well you are, but she is still currently annoyed by it), so it should be "ticks".

After that I walked to my closet, opening it and grabbing my work uniform.

Saying "after that..." sounds like your character's writing a diary about what she did. You aren't listing events here. You're telling us a story. So you should say something else other than "after that..."

And also, it should be "After that, I walked to my closet, opened it, and grabbed my work uniform." What you put (other than that first comma I added) actually is good grammar wise. But I think this sounds better.

A black shirt and dark jeans, wearing it made me look weird.

I suggest Separating these two phrases into two different sentences. "A black shirt and dark jeans. Wearing it made me look weird."

Which I hate so very much.

This is defineatly not a sentence. It's a fragment. All you need to do is connect it to "Wearing it made me look weird." (This'll only work, I think, if you separate the two clauses into two different sentences like I suggested.)

but since he wasn't here anymore I didn't have to anymore.

The second "anymore" is unnecessary.

Once I grabbed my key, I left the house, and started to walk to work.

The comma after house isn't needed since "started to walk..." isn't a independent clause.

"Bob's Tuxes".

First of all, the period needs to be inside the quotation marks. Judging by the name Kohaku, this take place in Japan, right? So you should pick a name other than "Bob." (which i thought was really funny, lol-Bob's Tuxes." Just sounds funny)

It was strange for me to work there but, as long as I stayed in the back I didn't mind working there.

Your comma to separate the two clauses goes before the "but", not after. Probably just a typo. ^_~

And then, you also need a comma after "back".

Walking down the sidewalk I saw lots of people.

This statement is too dull, flat, and...lame. You need to have your character describe their surroundings in different ways. "I saw lots of people." Wow...I'm impressed. XP This may be a bit exaggerated, but something like this,"Millions of people roamed the streets this morning."

Though real people didn't usually come outside till around 9:00pm.

I understand what you're trying to say here, but it sounds really weird. "Real people." *snort* Mhm... Explain this in a different way. You can start explaining souls at about this time. And how, I'm guessing, he/she can see them.

And two more things: You need to spell out "till" and spell out "9:00"

And don't you mean here, that the souls didn't come outside until 9pm? This doesn't make sense here...

I was probably just crazy or something, so I never really cared seeing things that were never really there.

Again, since you started this in present tense, you need to continue using present tense. As far as I can see, this isn't a flashback-the character telling past events--, so it should be "I'm probably..." etc. Unless this really is a flashback. Then you need to put the whole thing in past tense.

Then a loud monsterous roar ran past me.

I don't think the "roar" ran past him/her. Since a sound can run because it doesn't have legs. XP Try using a different word.

Behind me was a monster, that wore a colorful disturbing mask.

I'm taking that this is a Hollow. You should explain it differently, then. Maybe something about the whole in its chest. And/or go into more detail about the mask. You also need a comma between "colorful" and "disturbing". When you're using two adjectives like that, you need a comma to separate them. Such as: "The big, brown dog."

You also don't need a comma between "monster" and "that".

I stood before the one who had killed it, a boy with a long sword, and short glowing crimson hair.

Here's the corrected sentence for you: "I stood before the one who had killed it: A boy with a long sword and short glowing crimson hair."

The semicolon is what you need. A comma doesn't really work in this situation.

And also I think you should talk more about how something had split the Hollow's mask. You need to make it clear (by actions) to the reader that something had destroyed it. "A slash of a sword." Or something.
______________________________________________________________________

Good work! This sounds good and has lots of potential. Geez, you're writing so much stuff! I'll still hope to read some more of the Naruto fanfic and Maki's story. And then ours.

There's not much else to say, since this is basically just a prologue. I'll look for more.

By the way, I'm sorry if I'm sounding mean on my crits. I usually don't crit for grammar and stuff. But I like helping fellow writers become better at writing!! And I can tell you've been improving! Yay!!

Keep on writing,
Timea

this is a shared Fanfict with KillTheZombie- chapter 2 he should finish soon.

Don't worry Timea your opinion and help is very awsome, and I love seeing it. ^_^ In fact your reviews made me get better. ^_^

Thank you so much.

Maki and Zombie: No spamming threads, please, especially in the Literary forums. Please reserve such conversations for PMs.

I will delete the spammy posts as I see fit.

Your friendly neighbourhood Fiction JM.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause any trouble.