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A Second Chance: Chapter Two



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Sat Jul 17, 2010 6:48 pm
thegirlandthepen says...



In a deserted Alley, close to the Seattle boatyard. Lurked twenty bloodthirsty, strong and very very young and inexperienced newborn vampires. An upturned car in flames lay in the middle, the vampires fought over the trapped and terrified humans inside like pieces of meat. Ravaging them completely, not a drop was wasted. One stunning, dark blonde haired male vampire with angry red eyes paced backwards and forwards. Looking bored and almost nervous, this must have been the young one, the missing boy.

Riley had gone missing from Forks over a year ago, disappeared without a trace. He had just left some friends after a few drinks one rainy night, then he was never seen again. He was only twenty years old, young and bright with his whole life ahead of him. Little did his parents know, that never gave up on him, he didn't just have his life, he had eternity.

I had to think my plan of action fast. I had to gain their trust. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a small figure. Kicking and screaming, completely ignored by the others. Suddenly it became very quiet, and I took my opportunity. I swooped down from the building I was watching from nearby, being careful not to make a noise, and not to cross Riley's path. He would be sure to recognize my scent as unfamiliar. I kept close to the wall, and peered around the corner. Upon closer inspection, I noticed the quivering figure of a young girl, no older than thirteen. Her hair was raven and her eyes were a hungry red, she clutched at her throat, and without thinking. Lunged straight for me.

I picked her up by the scruff of her neck, like a puppy and decided to drag her right around to the rest of them. Riley appeared in front of me within an instant. His cold eyes inspecting me curiously and viciously.

"I believe this belongs to you?" I dropped the child harshly at Riley's feet. Cringing as I heard her hit the ground sharply, it can't of hurt but she let out a pitiful cry anyway.

He seemed utterly disinterested in her, he was still staring at its not Riley I'm after. It's the red headed one, the one seeking vengeance. Victoria. I couldn't work out why she had chosen such a young, and ordinary boy to do her dirty work for her. Normal he may have once been, but becoming a Vampire had smoothed out every single one of his flaws, it seemed impossible that he had any in the first place. I scrutinized each one of his perfect features, his eyes shaped almost like a diamond on its side. His nose slightly roman, his lips full and clearly thirsting for my blood. Although this wasn't about feeding, I was a Vampire. But I shouldn't of been there.

I couldn't read him, his thoughts were wordless, not even pictures. Just blurs of anger, confusion and hate. Every single hazy feeling that passed through his mind felt alien to me, strange like they had been placed there specifically. Almost like a puppet, but the strings were not visible.

Riley turned his head slightly, as if intrigued by something.

"You got something to say, newbie?" I said the words with much distaste, his lips pulled up every so slightly into a snarl, and then into a smile again. I realized just what he was smiling right behind me was a Vampire attempting to rip me limb from limb. A very young, a very callous and a very, very strong one. But not if I stepped in first.

With one fluid movement I reached out behind me and grabbed his head. Solid like a rock, just as I thought. I transported him over my head and straight onto the floor with a hard bang. His head and neck were separated by the force of the throw. Riley looked annoyed, and then impressed. Newborns are strong, but easy to predict. There is no strategy, no method to the madness. Its simply Kill. By my estimations, they would never ever get a chance to think later.

"Checkmate."

"What do you want?" He questioned, now pacing backwards and forwards in the same motion I had seen before. His thoughts more apparent now, he had let his guard down. Or rather, whatever was keeping the barriers up in the first place was far away, too far to help him anymore.

Who is she. What will Victoria think. That man looked to be one our best fighters.

"I hear you and this, army. You've created, are planning to take on the Cullens?"A positive snarl erupted from Riley's mouth, his teeth were bared now, his posture slightly crouched. And his Army were slowly assembling behind him I counted nineteen now, minus the parasite I had just disposed of. A sea of low growls flanked him. I was out numbered, even I could not take on an army of Vampires, not in this body. But I had to save face, they were ready to attack, where I needed to negotiate.

"In that case, I'd like to join," I held out my hand, to indicate that my services were now his. Funny really, I didn't work for anyone. I always worked alone, but here I was. Offering myself to a group of baby Vamps, oh how the mighty have fallen. "Well you've got two options. You can take my hand, and welcome me along. Or you can kill me now, and you'd probably be able to. Your numbers far outweigh mine, but bear in mind that if you do, get rid of me. You'll never get to fight the Cullen's with the unfair advantage, that I can offer you. And you will most likely, lose."


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I knew it wasn't going to be easy, slotting myself in to the Seattle newborns, but I had to try. It was the only option I had, Victoria wasn't going to be around for a while. She was too busy trying to recruit a few Nomadic Vampires to her already impressive army, and this suited me perfectly. Of course none of this Riley told me, he was still trying to carry on like she didn't exist, I tapped his thoughts now and then, when I could. He kept a steely guard up most of the time, but I caught a few words and images, sometimes I wish I hadn't looked at all.

Riley had been almost too easy to win over, sold by the illusion that I had some kind of amazing power that would wreak havoc and destruction amongst the Cullens'. He still crept around me and refused to be in my presence longer than five minutes. But something tells me it something more than just suspicion keeping him away.

We were losing the newborns fast, we were down to just ten. Riley was beside himself, he knew Victoria could be back at anytime, and she would be surely furious. I felt the intensity of the connection he shared with her through his thoughts, although there was something that seemed not quite right about it, it was something I had only experienced once before. With the wolf boy, with Jacob.

I thought of him often. Knowing that at some point I would surely encounter him again, the battle with the Cullen's was looming, growing closer with every second I spent with the newborns, preparing them all for battle. But we had been careless, allowed them to roam more freely than they should have. My arrival had somewhat distracted Riley from maintaining complete control, they went out in the streets. They attacked in broad daylight, it was becoming all too dangerous.

I stood with my back to the wall out in the alley next to the warehouse most of us had been hiding in during the day. Riley had told the newborns that the myths were true, that we did burn in the sunlight, but only when we were young. Which meant Riley and I were the only ones allowed out during the day, which should of meant we could of gone hunting together. But like I said, his constant avoidance of me somewhat restricts that. The smell of burning human flesh coming from the dumpster was pungent, grotesque. It was ten times thicker due to the obvious, sometimes I wasn't all that thankful for my heightened senses.

Riley stood about 30 metres away from me, pacing as usual trying to call Victoria. He probably thought I couldn't hear him swearing profusely under his breath. Within seconds I appeared at his side, I decided it was time for a few home truths.

"No luck?"

He glared and took a long step to the side away from me, stuffing the phone furiously into the pocket of his leather jacket. I took an even longer step so that our arms were almost touching.

"I know you're not commandeering this on your own, I know there's someone else involved."

"You know nothing." He spat through gritted teeth, there was a mixture of fury and upset in his eyes.

"Oh I do, I know a hell of a lot more than you'd like to realise." I tapped two fingers on my head, he looked genuinely startled.

"You can read minds? That's the same gift as-"

"-Edward," I finished for him. "I know, a hell of an advantage right?"

A flicker of a smile passed across Riley's face, could he get any more attractive? It certainly brightened him up, he took the term 'soulless murderer' a little too literally sometimes.

I moved around, so that now we were face to face, our lips inches away from each others. "You know you don't always have to be so cold."

And for the first time since the introduction, our eyes met. His fire red met the equally scarlet contrast of mine. I held his gaze than what was longer than comfortably possible, at that moment I felt something in him. He had his walls up stronger and fiercer than ever, but you didn't need to be a mind reader to sense what I was feeling right now. And then I done something most unlike me, I slowly raised my hand and placed it gently on his face. Half because I'd always wanted to see what a Vampire's skin felt like, and the other half becauseā€¦
"If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There's no way around these two things that I'm aware of, no shortcut." - Stephen King.

EDDiE. :]

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Mon Jul 19, 2010 12:47 pm
TheEnigma says...



You write well, but you make a lot of mistakes in punctuation that detract from your writing. I stumbled over quite a few run-on sentences and sentences that looked as though they had been cut in half by an improperly placed period. I think if you just read through and redo some of your punctuation, this would flow so much better.

You used dialogue really well, though, and your plot is interesting. Riley as a character came off a little flat, so maybe you could having him saying and doing things that will define him a little better. Other than that, well done. Keep writing.
  








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