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Warriors: Moonhigh Chapter 1 Part 2



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Wed Dec 23, 2009 11:56 pm
cheez_burger says...



I stalked through the forest, crashing through fern clumps and Elder bushes, being scratched by branches of thorn patches, nettles, and brambles. Somehow, I had always found myself circling back to where Jango lie dead in the sandy clearing. The smell was horrific, the putrid scent piercing my nostrils and flooding my mouth. Then an idea came to mind. I picked my way through the pools of blood surrounding my dead brother. I hoisted him up onto my shoulders, while gripping his scruff in my jaws. He was already stiff and cold... he just didn't feel like Jango anymore. I glared my way toward Twolegplace, a gaze so fierce I thought everything I looked at would shrivel up and die.

When I finally arrived at the edge of the soft grass, Flower and Shadow were sitting on the mesh fence, whispering quietly. Shadow saw me first, with a smug look on his face. When Flower realized his attention was elsewhere, she looked up. Her jaw dropped. A few heartbeats went by, it could have been hours or moons for all I know, but finally, she leaped off the fence and ran down to Jango and me. "My son!" she wailed. "What have you done!?"It took me a minute to realize her anger was directed at me. I searched for words, but I couldn't find any. "ME?" I roared. "You think I killed my own BROTHER!" I was furious, so mad I wanted to claw her to shreds. I glared at Shadow, who was clearly amused by our skirmish. "You!" I yelled, leaping on top of him, getting ready to claw him from nose to tail-tip. Flower leapt at me and shoved me over. I raked my claws down her stomach, and rolled over so i pinned her to the ground. " YOU TRAITOR!" I yowled. "IT WAS HIM!" I pointed my tail at Shadow.


TO BE CONTINUED...
The Best way to see the future is to create it.If you want to be happy, be.
Life if not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
  





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Fri Dec 25, 2009 3:28 am
Vandria says...



cheez_burger wrote:I stalked through the forest, crashing through fern clumps and Elder bushes, being scratched by branches of thorn patches, nettles, and brambles. Somehow, I had always found myself circling back to where Jango lie dead in the sandy clearing. The smell was horrific, the putrid scent piercing my nostrils and flooding my mouth. Then an idea came to mind. I picked my way through the pools of blood surrounding my dead brother. I hoisted him up onto my shoulders, while gripping his scruff in my jaws. He was already stiff and cold... he just didn't feel like Jango anymore.(This particular sentence caught my eye. what exactly does Jango feel like? Is he soft? Is he tense? It's just my opinion, but I think you should add a little detail of what he used to feel like.) I glared my way toward Twolegplace, a gaze so fierce I thought everything I looked at would shrivel up and die. (This one also caught my eye. He can't exactly glare through somewhere. Maybe he could stalk and glare, but glaring isn't moving actually.)

When I finally arrived at the edge of the soft grass, Flower and Shadow were sitting on the mesh fence, whispering quietly. Shadow saw me first, with a smug look on his face. When Flower realized his attention was elsewhere, she looked up. Her jaw dropped. A few heartbeats went by, it could have been hours or moons for all I know, but finally, she leaped off the fence and ran down to Jango and me. "My son!" she wailed. "What have you done!?"It took me a minute to realize her anger was directed at me. I searched for words, but I couldn't find any. "ME?" I roared. "You think I killed my own BROTHER!" I was furious, so mad I wanted to claw her to shreds. I glared at Shadow, who was clearly amused by our skirmish. "You!" I yelled, leaping on top of him, getting ready to claw him from nose to tail-tip. Flower leapt at me and shoved me over. I raked my claws down her stomach, and rolled over so i (Needs to be capitolized.) pinned her to the ground. " YOU TRAITOR!" I yowled. "IT WAS HIM!" I pointed my tail at Shadow.


TO BE CONTINUED...


My comments are the bolded words. :D
All together, this was a fantastic fanfiction. I am a huge fan of Warriors, and this made my day. xD Once again, great story.
I left my wedding dress hanging in a tree somewhere in North Dakota.

Live long and prosper.
-Mr. Spock
  





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Thu Dec 31, 2009 1:19 am
Stori says...



Honestly... I think the whole thing is a little overly dramatic.
The main character has just lost his brother... and is taking it out on
everyone around him?
  








Tons of cowering! Plus your name in the summer programme. A custom-designed banner. A cabin at Camp Half-Blood. Two shrines. I'll even throw in a Kymopoleia action figure.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus