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Super DodgeBrawl- Prologue (History & Rules) and Chapter



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Wed Jul 08, 2009 3:55 am
hen.hug says...



((This story is much different from my normal writing stuffs. Fan fiction isn't really my thing, but my little brother is pretty big into it. He's a gamer, and recently I got sucked in a little bit. This is a mash-up of my favorite game, the ridiculously simple, almost plotless Super Dodge Ball Advance and Super Smash Brothers. In reality, it leans heavily toward the Dodge Ball, as well as my own original characters, but it has definite roots in the two. Let me know what's up!))

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A brief history of DodgeBall and the National DodgeBall League

The game of dodgeball has roots dating back over 600 years ago. A variation of a game similar to modern dodgeball has been recorded in a number of African tribes. Other countries with an archaic form of dodgeball include Germany, China, and Korea.

Modern dodgeball came to existence in the United States after the First World War. The year was 1920. Two young men returning from the war, Walter Young and Philip Livingston, found work in a factory in Akron, Ohio that made parts for cars. On many occasions, the two would attempt to overcome boredom in the factory by throwing a foam ball to each other. When the two were reprimanded for this action, they continued to do so secretly. While Walter would be working on a machine, Philip would surprise him with a hard hit to the torso. Walter, in turn, would hit Philip when he was intently working. One day, instead of flying into a wall or falling to the floor, the foam ball landed on a conveyor belt that took it into a machine. When it came out, it was covered with a thin layer of rubber.

Walter and Philip were fired for this action, but the rubber ball that they had created inspired them to invent a new game. In a few weeks, with the help of many friends and relatives, the two had developed the first modern rules for dodgeball. The name of the game was intended to be ironic and came from an insult. During some of the first matches, many players would avoid a ball thrown in their direction rather than catch it. As the game progressed, a person who did this would be called a 'dodge'. An avid dodge would not be picked for a team.

The game was not an instant success. While enough interest was generated in Akron and surrounding communities to form a league, it did not spread much beyond Ohio. Instead, it was quickly picked up by the government and instituted as a part of physical education programs in public schools. For many decades, the game remained a necessity of the public school system.

In 1978, Dr. John H. DuBois, a scientist and professor at Vassar College, accidentally stumbled upon a new material called Antanite. Originally, he thought that the semi-soft metallic alloy would be able to be used by the military for weaponry or other devices. Unfortunately, the material was far too unstable for military use. Instead, Carl Young, a graduate assistant working under Dr. DuBois and grandson of Walter Young, found another use for Antanite. In its solid state, he modeled it into a ball and put the ball into play during a dodgeball game sponsored by his fraternity. The result was incredibly successful and reinvented the sport of dodgeball.

Antanite, when thrown under normal conditions, would keep its solid, semi-soft state and act just like a normal foam and rubber dodgeball. But when thrown using a variety of techniques, the ball would produce what is known as a “special throw”. Sometimes, the ball would launch itself at supersonic speeds in the direction it was thrown. Other times, it would loop around in a dramatic manner. Other throws would cause the ball to disassemble itself before flying reassembled in the intended direction. To date, there are fifty known special throws. The unstable Antanite turned out to be a very safe material with no ill side-effects due to any level of exposure. The only side-effect at all was a subtle green-pigment to skin after games, similar to that of silver.

By 1985, dodgeball was gaining popularity and respect as a real sport, not just a children's game. Amateur dodgeball leagues had surfaced all across America and there was some discussion of a professional league. The game had also become a global phenomenon, and many Western countries also had leagues of some manner. In 1996, the International Olympic Committee recognized DodgeBall as a serious sport and the game was played for the first time internationally at the Olympic Summer Games in Atlanta, Georgia. In the final game, the United States team faced off against the Dutch team. Surprisingly, the team from the Netherlands won the gold medal, and the young captain of the team, Willem Janssen, became an international superstar and the new face of DodgeBall.

After that first Olympics, a DodgeBall World Cup was established. Every four years, teams from around the world would compete to earn the title of World Champion. The first World Cup was held in 1998 in France. It was sparsely attended and moderately covered by the media. Even so, those involved considered it a success. The first World Champion team came from Australia.

Although the sport had its origins in the United States, the country was noticeably slow to embrace the sport entirely. While it was an amateur success, attempts to bring the sport to the professional level were ineffective. This could be directly attributed to the string of international losses the US team suffered during the first decade of the sport's international recognition, as well as foreigner Willem Janssen's association as DodgeBall's prodigy.

The American public changed its opinion on the game after the 2010 World Cup in Brazil. As had been the case at the previous World Cups, the United States team arrived as underdogs. Somehow, they began to defeat their competition. In a dramatic final game, the United States defeated the Dutch team, captained by Willem Janssen in his last international event, in only three matches. The game was symbolic in many ways. Not only had the US defeated the original champions of the sport, but Ken Dollings, the 20 year-old captain of the fledgling American team, arrived back in the United States as a hero and the new face of DodgeBall.

In the years between World Cups, the American DodgeBall Association (ADA) went about creating a professional league for DodgeBall in the United States. Within the four years between World Cups, thirty-two cities had signed on to sponsor professional teams for the newly created National DodgeBall League. The 2014 World Cup held in Kyoto, Japan was the most-hyped sports event in recent history, and American's were ready to rally their team to victory. Although the event itself was much less dramatic than previous ones had been, DodgeBall ratings were at their highest. The returning champions, still under the leadership of Ken Dollings, were more prepared than they had been four years ago, and they easily took the top honors of the World Cup.

The greatly advertised National DodgeBall League was to premier the following year. Amidst the success of the American team, many young athletes associated with DodgeBall were catapulted into the public eye even before the NDL held any games. By the time the 2015 season of the NDL began, 22 cities had built large DodgeBall arenas and many stars had been born.

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National DodgeBall League
Official Rules of DodgeBall


BASICS
Team:
Each team must begin with eight live players. Five active players play within their half of the court- or the home side- while the remaining three inactive players cover the perimeter surrounding the opposite team's half of the court- or the far side. The maximum number of players a professional team may have is ten.

Court:
Official court length is 60 feet by 30 feet divided in half by a center line. Each team has use of one half of the court, or 30 feet by 30 feet. Boundaries for the court will be made by use of straight lines 4 inches thick. The court is to be set in a room 90 feet by 50 feet. Walls in the room are to be 9 feet high. Doors to the room are to be on the longest walls, near the middle. Doors are not permitted along the shortest walls.

Equipment:
The official ball size is to be 8.5”. The ball must be made of foam covered by rubber for regular play and Antanite for special play.

Uniform:
All live players are required to wear identical uniforms. Uniforms are expected to consist of shorts at or above the knee, a shirt of some variety, and athletic shoes. Accessories such as glasses, goggles, gloves, knee pads, elbow pads, etc., are optional and are not required of all live players. Questionable uniform will be subject to investigation and a possible hearing before a committee.

OVERVIEW
Objective:
The objective of the game is to eliminate all active players on the other team by either hitting them with a ball or catching a ball that was thrown from a member of that team.

Games:
DodgeBall games are played in tournament style. A game consists of 5 matches. The winning team is the one that wins the most matches, at least three.

There are two types of matches that are alternated during a game.

Regular play matches occur first, third, and fifth. During these matches, two foam balls are used and special throws are inaccessible. Jumping across boundaries is also not allowed.

Special play matches occur second and forth. During these matches, two Antanite balls are used. Special throws are encouraged, as is jumping across boundaries.

All live players, both active and inactive, are to play during every match.

In between matches, a minimum of ten minutes must pass. For every three matches, there is to be at least one twenty minute break. For every five matches, there are to be at least two twenty minute breaks.

Positions:
Active players are those who play within the home side of the court. They have the freedom to move about the entirety of the home side. Their main duties are to throw the ball at the other team and catch balls thrown from the other team. Only during special play matches, active players are permitted to jump across boundaries and use special throws.

Inactive players are those who play the far side. They are only permitted to move along a single, assigned side of the other team's court. Their main duties are to retrieve the ball when it crosses out-of-bounds and to throw the ball at members of the other team. Under no circumstances are inactive players to jump boundaries or use special throws.

Active players from both teams are susceptible to hits and can be eliminated by all players, both active and inactive. Inactive players are susceptible to hits but cannot get out from being hit by another player.

Game play:
Opening sprint-
Before a match can begin, all players must have at least their fingertips on the shortest wall behind their home side of the court. After a whistle from the head referee, all active players run into their home side boundaries and attempt to secure one of two balls positioned equal distances apart on the center boundary line. All inactive players run toward their boundary line while not entering the home court.

Regular play match-
All boundaries are to be strictly adhered to. If a player fails to abide by the boundaries, they are eliminated. Active players attempt to hit members of the other team with a live ball to render them out. A live ball is one that has not hit any obstructions after being thrown. These include the floor, a wall, a roof, the other ball, or another player. Once a ball has hit an obstruction, it becomes a dead ball. Similarly, active players attempt to catch balls from the other team. If a player catches a live ball, the player who threw that ball is out. If a player catches a ball that has already hit a teammate, the teammate is safe from elimination and the player who threw the ball suffers no consequence. Inactive players receive passes from active players, retrieve the ball when it has exited the boundaries, and attempt to hit active players from the opposing team.

Special play match-
All rules of the regular match apply, except those of boundaries and special throws. Active players must abide by the boundaries, but may cross them when jumping. When a player crosses a boundary by jumping, they are to return to their home side once they have landed. Jumps may be used in order to pass the ball or throw it at the opposing team. Once any part of their body has landed within the other team's home side, they are no longer permitted to throw or pass the ball. With the use of Antanite balls, special throws are enabled. Any of the special throws are acceptable during special play matches.

Elimination-
A player has been eliminated when they have been hit by a ball or their ball was caught by the other team. Once a player is out, they are to drop any balls they may have and return to the shortest wall at the back of their home side. Some part of their body must be touching the wall during the remainder of the game so that their team does not suffer a penalty.

Ball Hog Rule-
If a team possesses both of the balls used for play, they must throw at least one within ten seconds or suffer a penalty.

Cross-Boundary Ball Grabs-
A player may grab a ball that is across a boundary line as long as no part of their body touches the ground within the opposing team's territory.

Head and Groin Hits-
A player is not eliminated if they get hit by a ball in the head or groin area. Similarly, players who intentionally aim for these areas may get charged with aggression and receive a penalty.

Time-Outs-
Each team is permitted three time outs per game. A time out lasts 30 seconds.

Substitutions-
Substitutions may be made during a time out or between matches. In the case of an injury, an immediate substitution may be made. A substitution may not be a previously eliminated player.

Referees-
Three referees will officiate all matches. One referee will monitor the middle of the court and the boundary between the two home sides. Each home side will be monitored by a referee.

Penalties-
Penalties result from the failure to abide by the rules of the game. Referees may also subject penalties for unsportsmanlike behavior. Penalties are at the discretion of the referees, although minor infractions should result in removal of a player from a match while major infractions should result in removal of a player from a game. More extreme action, such as suspension from numerous games, seasonal expulsion, or complete expulsion may be taken after hearings before a committee.

Video Review-
Officially sanctioned DodgeBall games will be video-taped. If a play is contested or there is disagreement amongst referees, video may be reviewed before an official call is made.

Winning-
A team has won a match when all of the active players from the other team have been eliminated. A team has won a game when they have won three matches.

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CHAPTER ONE

The look on his face was perfect. His dark brown eyes were fixed in an intense gaze on his target. His mouth was clenched. His blonde hair fell slightly across his forehead. Anyone could tell he meant business by looking at nothing else than that face. If there was any doubt, though, it was taken away by glancing at his body. He was standing with his legs spread apart, his weight clearly shifted to his back foot. His throwing arm was pulled behind his head, a grey Antanite ball held firmly in his hand.

Ken smirked and crossed his arms. The picture was absolutely perfect. His eyes darted around, enjoying the sight of his already tall body standing larger than life on a billboard in the distance, illuminated by numerous powerful lights in the darkness of the night. On it, Ken stood with a dodgeball, ready to unleash its fury. Behind him to his left, Paul Langdon, his best friend, teammate, and captain of the newly formed Hyrule Kings, leapt through the air, red ball in hand. Behind him to his right, Isaac Adkins, new to the world of dodgeball and captain of the Tellius Kings, reached out to catch a ball. The large bold text underneath their bodies read,

“National DodgeBall League
Coming this March
Get your tickets TODAY!”


It was still beautiful and caught Ken's eye, even though the large advertisement had reigned over the city for nearly three months.

“Kenneth Dollings, you are ridiculous,” came a voice from behind Ken. He turned to look at the body it came from, his smile widening. It was Sara Conover, his long-time love. “You just can't get enough of this second round of popularity.”

He turned away from the hulking billboard. His mouth opened and his eyebrows raised as he got a good look at Sara. “You look... stunning.” He extended his hand as the taxi Sara had just stepped out of drove away. Even in tall red heels, Sara was a few inches shorter than Ken. Her short, simple black dress accentuated her lean frame. Her dark hair was pulled back into an elegant low pony tail. She stood there for a moment, sheepishly smiling, as Ken took it all in.

“Let me fix this for you, Tex,” she finally said, taking a step forward. Her hands reached up toward the tie that wrapped around Ken's neck. She tightened and aligned the red fabric so that it matched the formal black suit Ken was wearing. “There.” She patted the tie, which now rested properly in the center of his shirt.

“How would I ever survive without you?” Ken said, a smug grin on his face. He put his strong hands on Sara's thin arms as he leaned in and kissed her casually on the lips.

As their lips parted, Sara looked Ken in the eyes. “I'm sure you'd get along somehow. You've managed to do pretty well so far.”

Ken brushed Sara's bangs away from her face. “Let's get going.” He grabbed her hand and the two strolled along the sidewalk. The two of them were silent but the sounds of the busy city enveloped them. Cars honked, the train clanked, people talked.

“Is that Ken?” A teenage girl crossing the street rushed toward him. Ken bit his lip and looked at Sara, who only shook her head. “Oh my GOD! KEN! You're like, only my favorite DodgeBall player ever. Ever! I watched all of your matches last year. I have your poster and everything. Oh my God. I can't believe I'm like, actually seeing you.” Her sentences all ran into each other. The girl only stopped to take a deep breath, then continued with her incredibly important question. “Can I get a picture with you?” Her cell phone was already flipped open and ready to snap a photo.

“Sure,” was Ken's reply. Faking a smile, he bent down slightly as the girl leaned in close to him. A bright flash came from the tiny contraption.

“Oh my God! Thank you, Ken!”

“It's no problem,” Ken said. As the light across the street flashed 'WALK', he and Sara took a step forward. The voice of the girl became audible again as she walked away from them. She was excitedly telling someone about what had just happened.

“Why are we walking to the opening again?” Sara asked as they continued on.

“You know the NDL is supposed to be supporting the green lifestyle,” Ken reminded her. “And as DodgeBall's king-”

“And you know I hate when you talk like that,” Sara interrupted seriously. She glanced in his direction before continuing. “But I get it. You're just lucky I don't mind wearing heels anymore.”

He squeezed her hand. They turned a corner. In the distance, they saw the red carpet. It was surrounded by people. People holding cameras. People with microphones. People with clipboards. Just lots of people. As they neared the event, the crowd shrieked. Those with microphones began talking to the cameras. Lights began to flash in their direction.

“Here goes,” Ken whispered.

The couple continued walking forward. The large ornate building behind the red carpet was shining. In the darkness, the building looked just as it did in the daylight. Banners hung down featuring the names and mascots of the 22 teams ready for play in the newly formed National DodgeBall League. This night, the opening of the NDL, had been highly publicized.

Much of the hype came from the recently victorious American team. Originally, the opening season was going to feature eight teams as a test to measure how successful the NDL could be. Instead waiting though, so much interest had been shown that more and more cities decided to take the risk of sponsoring a team. A week before the opening games, over 70 percent of the season tickets available had been purchased, with many more expected to sell. Much of the public had already chosen a favorite club or pledged themselves to their home team. DodgeBall Mania was alive and well in the United States, so much so that it had already launched several successful careers. Nine out of the ten players from the national team had decided to play, but the biggest celebrities chosen by the media were the young, attractive athletes who had been fortunate enough to get signed on. Even so, no one was bigger than Ken Dollings. He had led the national team to back-to-back world championships, and in turn guaranteed himself superstar status.

The popularity came as a double-edged sword. Nights like tonight, walking down a red carpet, talking to reporters, smiling for cameras, could be fun. Often, Ken enjoyed the events, and on occasion so did Sara. And so far, it hadn't taken away from the sport he loved. DodgeBall was Ken's first priority; the success and lifestyle it could provide would always take second place. But there were so many times when the whole thing seemed very tedious. The routine of it, the predictability, took its toll. As a rule, Sara hated the events. Sure, she could get dressed up, put on a smile, and clap as another speaker took to the podium, but given a choice she would avoid such things. She did it for Ken, and he knew it. There was a part of him that missed the old days. The times when Sara was cheering him on from the bleachers, when they were so empty he knew it had to be her chanting his name. The success was wonderful, but it came with a price.

Making their way onto the carpet and through the throngs of people, Ken talked to a few reporters. Sara told everyone who she was wearing. Eventually, Ken and Sara bumped into Paul. The two smiled and hugged. They exchanged a few words. Rachel, Paul's very pregnant wife, even offered to allow the couple to feel the baby kick. Someone made a joke about how the poor kid would end up a soccer player. It was all very sweet. That's how the magazines would report it anyway.

Finally inside, Sara gave a sigh of relief. Ken looked over, smiled encouragingly, and gave her a quick kiss. “You made it through the roughest part,” he informed her.

The massive banquet hall was lavishly decorated. Large black and white photographs featuring scenes of DodgeBall action covered the walls. Ken recognized most of the young men in them. Willem Janssen, the original poster boy. Carl Young, the kid who introduced the world to Antanite. Heinz Lehmkul, the first man to effectively use special throws. Adam Washington. Bobby Ogata. Patches O'Houlihan. The greats. Among them, he found none of himself. He wasn't angered by the discovery, just surprised. Time and again, Ken had been reminded that he was the great DodgeBall player of this time. He was the one who brought the sport to American mainstream. He was the one who could make the NDL something powerful.

Ushered to their seats, Ken and Sara sat with the rest of the Panorama Sparks, the Texas team that eagerly sought Ken as its captain. Most of Ken's young teammates had a date with them. Eli Danson went so far as to bring his mother. Some of the young men came stag. Most notable among the dateless bachelors was the Spark's shortest member, Brett Holden. The team had only been together for a two and a half months, practicing and getting to know each other, but Brett had shown excellent skill. While it was obvious that all of the young men were good enough to be on the team, Brett was especially talented. Beyond that, he was one of the most personable man on the team. He was friendly and an all around nice guy, a trait missing from many of the other cocky boys. Ken appreciated having a kid like Brett on the team. In turn, Brett was very eager to please his hero. Ken soon noticed the relationship the two had. In many ways, it was similar to a boy and his puppy. And even though Brett really wanted Ken to hold onto his leash, Ken wasn't all that interested. In time, Ken hoped that Brett would realize he was just another guy on the team.

“Mind if I take a seat?” Brett asked. He sat down beside Ken. Apparently, the young man had a sense of style that Ken hadn't noticed before. He was wearing a slim grey suit, bright blue-and-white pinstriped shirt, and a dark wool tie. Not exactly a tuxedo, but classy enough for the event. His already short, dark hair had been cut even shorter, and it was parted perfectly on one side.

“Who is the fine looking model that just sat next to you?” Sara jokingly asked Ken. Brett looked over at her, his eyes wide. “I'm just kidding,” she reassured him. “Nice to see you again, Brett.”

As the crowd slowly settled down, Ken slumped back into his chair. “So what exactly goes on at a thing like this?” he wondered aloud.

Some empty stares turned his direction. Then, they all began to look at each other. It was obvious that no one knew what was about to happen. “I have absolutely no idea,” Brett finally answered. “But to be honest, this whole red carpet thing is a lot more scary than it is exciting.”

Ken slapped a hand on his shoulder and laughed. “Get used to it, kid. As good as you are,” he caught himself before he singled the 19-year-old out. “As good as all of you are, you'd better get used to this sort of thing.” This comment brought about some smiles, high fives, and exclamations of praise, but Ken knew that the reality was few of them would get this kind of treatment on any regular basis. Most of them would be able to ride around on Ken's wave of celebrity for awhile, but after other players from other teams proved to be better or more interesting, their time in the spotlight would be over. Brett was the only one with a real chance. He had the qualities- the good looks, the boy next door personality, the athletic skill- to make it on his own.

Within a few minutes, the lights of the hall slowly dimmed. Through loud speakers around the hall, a sweeping, string-heavy tune washed over the audience. John Wolodarsky, head of the American DodgeBall Association, walked to the center of the illuminated stage as the crowd applauded. The night primarily featured influential speakers, including DodgeBall royalty Carl Young, that commented about the excitement of the league and the unique place in history that each of the athletes were currently involved. At the end, each team was asked to stand as they were recognized, and each of the team captains was asked to accept a plaque on the stage. The night ended with numerous pictures. Overall, the event proved to be rather lackluster.

As Ken and Sara walked home, a trail of paparazzi behind them, Ken realized that his dream was now a reality. Playing for the national team was a fantastic honor, one that he treated with extreme respect, but it didn't offer the playing time that something like the NDL could. Instead of a few games a month, if that, Ken now had an entire season's worth of games. On top of that, he was the reigning king of the game. Life was fantastic.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 2929
Reviews: 63
Sat Jul 18, 2009 12:25 am
octocoffee says...



Hey hen.hug!

First of all, thank you for replying to my thread. I hope you find my review helpful, and forgive me if I come off as severe, it's just how I am when I edit. So here we go.

First of all, I'm not a big fan of the prologue. Is the history of dodgeball really important to the story? It's not a vague or unknown sport so most people know the rules, especially if they've seen the film Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. I'm thinking that you want to inform the reader on the sport so they're not left out in the know, but honestly very few people are unaware of the game and how it works. When reading the prologue, I felt like I was reading a handbook on dodgeball, and that's not really exciting. I think it's stronger just to start off with your first chapter. And just a question, is this the actual history? I've never heard of Antanite or those people before, so...

The look on his face was perfect. His dark brown eyes were fixed in an intense gaze on his target. His mouth was clenched. His blonde hair fell slightly across his forehead. Anyone could tell he meant business by looking at nothing else than that face. If there was any doubt, though, it was taken away by glancing at his body. He was standing with his legs spread apart, his weight clearly shifted to his back foot. His throwing arm was pulled behind his head, a grey Antanite ball held firmly in his hand.

I like that you begin the story with a description of a person, it makes me interested to find out why this guy is so focused. But you are writing very passively. See all the forms of being? If you rewrite the sentence with active verbs, the reader automatically becomes more interested and you generate stronger images. For example, the line ‘His dark brown eyes were fixed in an intense gaze on his target’ could easily be changed to ‘He fixed his dark brown eyes on his target, his gaze intense.’ It’s a subtle change but writing like that affects and attracts the reader more. So I recommend going over the story, highlight all forms of being (is, was, were, are, etc.) and see if you can change it up. Sometimes you can’t because there are no other ways to say things like “She is a captain”. But try it out and see if you like the changes.

Ken smirked and crossed his arms. The picture was absolutely perfect. His eyes darted around, enjoying the sight of his already tall body standing larger than life on a billboard in the distance, illuminated by numerous powerful lights in the darkness of the night. On it, Ken stood with a dodgeball, ready to unleash its fury. Behind him to his left, Paul Langdon, his best friend, teammate, and captain of the newly formed Hyrule Kings, leapt through the air, red ball in hand. Behind him to his right, Isaac Adkins, new to the world of dodgeball and captain of the Tellius Kings, reached out to catch a ball.

I think you should say something else besides ‘The picture was absolutely perfect’ since you just used a similar sentence at the very beginning of the chapter. The part ‘illuminated by numerous powerful lights in the darkness of the night’ seems strange with the rhyming so I think you should change that up a bit so it doesn’t rhyme. You start two sentences right next to each other with ‘Behind him to his left/right’, and I think that should be changed. Also, in the second of those sentences, I’m not sure who you mean by ‘behind him’. Behind Ken or behind Paul? But your writing falls into a more active voice here, so I guess the problem lies with only the first paragraph.

He turned away from the hulking billboard. His mouth opened and his eyebrows raisedrose
as he got a good look at Sara.


“Oh my GOD! KEN! You're like, only my favorite DodgeBall player ever. Ever!...”

You seem to switch the way you write dodgeball, as ‘dodgeball’ or ‘DodgeBall’ in some places. You might want to stick to one to keep things consistent. Honestly I think the lowercase will do just fine.

A week before the opening games, over 70 percent of the season tickets available had been purchased, with many more expected to sell.

I think that any number under one-hundred should be written out, so 70 should be seventy.

Overall, the event proved to be rather lackluster.

Well, if it was all lackluster, I think it’s better just to cut out describing some of the events. Just mention a few things so the reader gets the general idea, but don’t invest too much time in things that don’t propel the story onward.

Life was fantastic.

I don’t know, but ending the first chapter like this doesn’t make the reader really, truly want to continue reading. It’s all happy and nice, his life is fantastic. If there will be conflict in the future, it’s nice to add some foreshadowing, like ending the chapter with ‘Too bad for Ken, it wouldn’t be fantastic for much longer’. Then the reader is surprised, and intrigued to know how it all continues. If the whole story is about his fantastic career in the sport of dodgeball, people become bored. We all know that people hate peace and happiness xD Conflict and problems are the gut of a story.

Overall, I was really impressed with your spelling/grammar/punctuation/etc. There were only minor details to change up besides the mildly tedious prologue. Content-wise, I just recommend some foreshadowing. Without a hint to problems, the chapter just feels like a snapshot of a celebrity’s glorious life. But I did enjoy it, and I hope my review helped you a little. Keep up the work, and I’ll get straight to work on the next one.

Best of luck,
octo
...if you are going to step on a live mine, make it your own. Be blown up, as it were, by your own delights and despairs. ~ Ray Bradbury
I Review Everything!
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 7
Sat Jul 18, 2009 3:31 am
hen.hug says...



I love it when I get ripped to shreds! Haha! It's so invigorating!!

Thank you for your honest and critical review. Just what I wanted/ needed.

The only thing I'd like to rebuttle in a sense is the prologue. It's meant to be very formal. Encyclopedic even. I guess it shouldn't be called the prologue, though. It's not meant to add to the story at all. More so, it's meant to inform the reader of this version of dodgeball rather than the one they already know. It's more like a few Roman numeraled pages.

When I searched for a history of dodgeball, there was none. It's an ubiquitous public school sport, but no one knows its origins. I thought it was incredibly fascinating, because I wanted to fuse the real beginning with the one I was creating. Also, the dodgeball played in the video game is different from traditional dodgeball and in reality is impossible to be played. Everything about the history was fictitious, as is Antanite. It's just a way to explain the larger-than-life nature of this falsified version.

Alrightey, enough of me justifying this thing. I see some things that could definitely use improving now, and I will most likely go about doing that. Again, thanks for the review. If I could kiss you, I would. But that might get messy.... :)
  








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