Young Writers Society

Edited version! Thanks so much for everyone who reviewed and helped me fix this piece up!

Rose
Rose was restless; she had been restless for the last two weeks. The summer, it had turned out was not as much fun as she had imagined. In fact, although it disgusted her to admit it, she was itching to return to school, things at home were just so...boring. There wasn’t long to wait, this time next week she would be lying in her comfortable four poster bed.

Getting up from her small, lumpy bed, she scrutinised herself in the mirror. A slip of a girl looked back at her. Rose would have been distinctly average looking if it weren’t for the curtain of red hair which contrasted against her ghostly pale skin. However she was bored of her image, Rose hadn’t changed much since she began Hogwarts and deep down she was anxious to do something dramatic. Her strikingly coloured hair was cut in a boring style that didn't frame her face but rather hid it. The figure that looked back at her made her think of a child, frustrated Rose groaned aloud.

If only Mum would let me cut it, she thought as she ran her fingers through her hair snarling,

‘Not that she ever will’.

Her mother insisted that Rose kept her hair the way it was, she seemed to think that Rose was trying to grow up too fast. Hermione insisted that she was still too young for dramatic haircuts and outrageous make-up, Rose on the other hand said that her mother was old-fashioned and over protective.

Over the summer Rose and Hermione had had this argument numerous times, whilst her father sat on the sidelines, smirking. Rose knew that her father didn’t really care what she did with her hair but he never say this lest Hermione kill him for it. Fuming at the thought she sat down at her desk and pulled a piece of parchment toward her.

It had been a while since she had last written to Albus. Albus was not only Rose’s cousin but her best friend also, however she had not seen much of him since school ended. Of the two of them Albus was the clever, relaxed one, he failed to understand why Rose got so worked up over what he noted as ‘little things’. Rose knew that Albus would probably be useless at making her feel better but she penned a letter to him anyway.

Hey Albus!
How are you? I haven’t seen or heard from for ages! Mother and I just had another argument, she still won’t let me cut my hair and I feel like I’m living in a prison! It’ll be great to be back at Hogwarts, have you got all of your school things yet?
Rose xx

Rolling and sealing the parchment Rose made her way over to her owl, Hazel in the corner of the room. The beautiful barn owl hooted softly at her as she tied the letter to her leg.

‘Make him write back quick’ she whispered as Hazel took flight out her bedroom window. As usual Albus’s reply was swift, and it set a small smile back on Rose’s face.

Rose ,
You have got to get that bird to stop pecking me, I always reply quickly anyway! I am fed up listening to you moan about your hair, just cut it, for Merlin’s sake it’s only hair!
I haven’t gotten all of my school books yet, how about we go to Diagon Alley tomorrow, I’ll get the rest of my stuff and you can get your hair cut! Let me know.
Albus

***

Albus,
Have I ever told you just how clever you are? Well I’m telling you now, it’s a brilliant idea! With one major flaw, I’m grounded, how I’m supposed to get to Diagon Alley?
Rose xx

***

Rose,
Floo to mine at about 6 in the morning, and we’ll leave for Diagon Alley. Make sure you write a note though to say where you’ve went or they’ll send a search party after you. Are you sure about this? You’re going to be in so much trouble!
Albus

***

Albus,
I’m positive, I’m so excited! Mum will kill me, but so what? I’ll see you in a few hours! Good night!
Rose xx

***

Night Rose! See you soon!
Albus

Rose retired that night; a bundle of nerves and excitement, she had never done anything like this before. Her Mother would go mad, her Father too, probably. However for once she didn’t care, she had concluded that the trouble she would get into would be well worth it if she could return to Hogwarts looking more like a women and less like a child.

*
Rose gasped as she looked in the mirror of the hairdressers. Admittedly she had lost her nerve at the last moment and her hair remained as long as ever, yet for the first time in her life she had a fringe. It wasn’t a childish, thick fringe but rather a modern, funky one. It framed her petite face and highlighted her sparkling eyes, the transformation was immense. Even Albus had noticed it;

‘I didn’t think hair could make you look so different’ was all he could muse.

Yes, Rose agreed, she did look different. It was a good different, an attractive different. For the first time ever she felt like an adult, in control of her own life.

‘Hogwarts here I come’, she cried swishing her hair as she pranced proudly alongside a laughing Albus.

Hey Kasie!

Sorry about the month delay, but exams are exams!

Anyway, without further adieu (or is that ado? Whatever.), the critique!

Rose < Alrighty then. I think it would be nice to bold this!
Rose was restless; she had been restless for the last two weeks. The summer, it transpired was not the blast she had envisioned. In fact, although it disgusted her to admit it, she was itching to return to school, things at home were just so...boring. There wasn’t long to wait, this time next week she would be lying in her comfortable four poster bed.

Getting up from the bed, she scrutinized (It was mispelled, but it's all good now.) herself in the mirror. A slip of a girl looked back at her. Rose would have been distinctly average looking if it weren’t for the curtain of red hair which contrasted against her ghostly pale skin. However she was bored of her image, Rose hadn’t changed much since she began Hogwarts and deep down she was anxious to do something dramatic. Her hair, though a striking colour was a boring style, it didn’t frame her face rather hid it. The figure that looked back at her made her think of a child, frustrated Rose groaned aloud.

If only her mum would let her cut her hair, that, however was out of the question. Her mother insisted that Rose kept her hair the way it was, she maintained the argument that her Aunt Ginny had never felt the need to cut her long, red locks when she had been at school. Rose retorted that times had changed since Aunt Ginny was at school, and so the argument raged on.

Rose had had this dispute with her mum numerous times this summer and the answer still hadn’t changed. Fuming she sat down at her desk and pulled a piece of parchment toward her.


Hey Albus!
How are you? I haven’t seen or heard from you all week! Mother and I just had another argument, she still won’t let me cut my hair, I feel like I’m living in a prison! It’ll be great to be back at Hogwarts, have you got all of your school things yet?
Rose xx


For the letters I would recommend that you italicize, because it took me a few seconds to realize that that was what she was writing.

Rolling and sealing the parchment Rose made her way over to her owl, Hazel in the corner of the room. The beautiful barn owl hooted softly at her as she tied the letter to her leg.

‘Make him write back quick’ she whispered as Hazel took flight out her bedroom window. Rose could always rely on her cousin Albus to cheer her up. Albus and Rose were the same age and consequently as they grew up together they also became very close. At Hogwarts they were joined at the hip, and Rose found it decidedly difficult not seeing him so often.

His reply was swift, and as usual set a smile back on Rose’s face.


Rose,
You have got to get that bird to stop pecking me, I always reply quickly anyway! I am fed up listening to you moan about your hair, just cut it, for Merlin’s sake it’s only hair! So what if your Mum goes mad, it’ll grow back and in a weeks’ time you’ll be at Hogwarts! I haven’t gotten all my stuff yet, how about we go to Diagon Alley tomorrow, I’ll get the rest of my stuff and you can get your hair cut! Let me know.
Albus


Albus,
Have I ever told you how simply wonderful you are? Well I’m telling you now, it’s a brilliant idea! With one major flaw, I’m grounded, how I’m supposed to get to Diagon Alley?
Rose xx


Rose,
Floo to mine at about 6 in the morning, and we’ll leave for Diagon Alley. Make sure you write a note though to say where you’ve went or they’ll send a search party after you. Are you sure about this you’re going to be in so much trouble?
Albus


Albus,
I’m positive, I’m so excited! Mum will kill me, but so what? I’ll see you in a few hours! Good night!
Love Rose xx


(Sorry I'm OCD about the commas...)

Night Rosie! See you soon!
Love Albus

Rose retired that night, a bundle of nerves and excitement, she had never done anything like this before. Her Mother would go mad, her Father too, probably. However for once she didn’t care, she had concluded that the trouble she would get into would be well worth it if she could return to Hogwarts looking more like a women and less like a child.

*
Rose gasped as she looked in the mirror of the hairdressers. Admittedly she had lost her nerve at the last moment and her hair remained as long as ever, yet for the first time in her life she had a fringe. It wasn’t a childish, thick fringe but rather a modern, funky one. It framed her petite face and highlighted her sparkling eyes, the transformation was immense. Even Albus had noticed it;

‘I didn’t think hair could make you look so different’ was all he could muse.

Yes, Rose agreed, she did look different. It was a good different, an attractive, different. For the first time ever she felt like an adult, in control of her own life.

‘Hogwarts here I come’, she cried swishing her hair as she pranced proudly alongside a laughing Albus.

Lovely! I find Post-HP is difficult to write, along with Pre-HP, but you're doing a great job!

It's been awhile since I've read a good HP fan fiction. I agree with moon jumper - pre and post Hogwarts are hard to write. I tried a Next-generation one once, and I don't think it got past 1,000 words - I just couldn't write it. But anyway - the critiques.

It might be a little more eye-pleasing if you separated the letters they send back and forth to each other, maybe with a line across the screen or something. They squoosh together a bit (yeah, I definitely just made that word up). I like the word choice, though, it's very appropriate.

Okay, I think moon jumper stole everything I was going to say ( - Just kidding ). Nice work!

There was nothing about Malfoy, but there will be...right?
You've caught my attention.
She seems kinda close to Albus. But cousins can't...you know.
Keep me updated on your story.
Gosh, Hermoine sounds overly...mom-ish.
What's Daddy Ron's say on this matter? haha.
Very nice. So much for the smart goody-two-shoes Rose.
Not exactly like her mom, eh?
She's got the brains but...so rebellious XD
PM when the next chapter comes out please!

This is a pretty good start.

Rose and Scorpius? Ech. Is this going into some Romeo and Juliet thingy?

The summer, it transpired was not the blast she had envisioned.

Um, what? This sentence makes no sense.
All you wanted to say was, "The summer had not turned out to be as fun as Rose had wanted." You don't have to put it in a funny order.

If only her mum would let her cut her hair, that, however was out of the question.

This sentence is worded awkwardly. Take out the word that. Maybe you could have Rose think:
If only Mum would let me cut it, she thought as she ran her fingers angrily through a snarl. "Not that she ever will,"
See? It's more interesting and makes more sense.

Rose retired that night, a bundle of nerves and excitement,

Use a semi-colon instead of a comma.

The rest was good. I don't see any more obvious grammar errors.

About the Rest:
-Ack! When your characters are writing letters to each other, you should always put the writing in italics. It took me a moment to realize they were writing letters
-Rose and Albus seem to like each other in a more-than-cousins way. Kind of creepy


Nice work!

Hope this helped!

Great start hope theres going to be more

I liike this, but there's just a couple of little things that I think could be improved

comfortable four poster bed.

Getting up from the bed,

Repitition: Bed. Flow is important. If you're trying to draw a comparison between the bed at Hogwarts and the one at home you need to show that by putting opposing adjectives before both. this could be a good idea, emphasising the thought in the previous paragraph and creating a link into the next one.

[Her hair, though a striking colour was a boring style,] [it didn’t frame her face rather hid it.]

These are two seperate sentances, therefore seperate them by a semicolon, or change the phrasing. You have two comparisons here, but you don't have to make it obvous. Try something similar to "Her strikingly coloured hair was cut in a boring style that didn't frame her face but rather hid it." again, flow is important. You've had broken sentances beforehand, don't continue the pattern.

her hair. That, however

still won’t let me cut my hair, I feel like I’m living in a prison!

instead of a commor, just put an "and"

Are you sure about this? You’re going to be in so much trouble./!

Two seperate sentances.

an attractive, different.

no commar.

Although I may be picky on the grammar, your writing style is actually quite nice. You have good active description, and little dull time, where nothing happens but description. I'm likeing the charactors you have presented as well. Just watch that you don't make Hermione and Ron sound like the cliche parents, we know that Ron is a bit of a trickster, so he might actually find it funny that his daughter's rebelling against Hermione, like his father was with Molly.Also i'm not sure if the Hermione's excuse for Rose not cutting her hair is secure, remember that she and Ginny were actually very stylish in their hairdos by the end, or at least when they were dressed up. She has some style. Maybe make it a protective thing, maybe that Rose is trying to grow up to fast.

I do want to see more of this, so PM me when more comes up.

I really like it so far! You've got me wanting to read, so good work! Just one thing: I think you should put some more things in between reading the letters between Rose and Albus. I feel like I'm just reading letters back and forth, back and forth. Other than that, I sounds really good, and it goes along with how I imagined the personalities of those characters would be. I hope you keep writing more.

Awesome, I love Harry Potter! I'll make only one suggestion. Work on your character dialogue. The meaning of the words is easily understood, but you need to develop each individual personnality and this begins all the way at the bottom with dialogue. Avoid cliche words such as so, like, and all those others that I can't think of right now because my brain is slow today 0.0. You're doing great, I hope you will soon develop your own individual ideas. Keep it up!

Well, this has attracted me! I haven't read a Harry Potter fanfiction that has captured my attention yet until I read this. I want to read more. Some things are worded awkwardly, or oddly, but maybe that's just your style. Anyways, good job!
~Elle

This is brilliant. I love how Rose has turned out to be completely different to how I expected her to be - a younger version of Hermonie. xD

I agree with everyone else when it comes to the letters - I think you need to change their writing style a bit, just to show their personalities.

Is there going to be more of this?

Lisa

Listening to: 'Strawberry Fields Forever' by Jim Sturgess.