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Scorpius Malfoy/Rose Weasley



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Tue Nov 25, 2008 11:12 pm
Kasie says...



[b]Ok so this is just a quick start to a fanfiction I'm thinking off, I haven't written in this era before and I'm not quite sure of the plot yet but I could do with your help, I don't have a title quite yet either! Let me know what you think so far! Introductions are very important and you guys are brilliant at helping! :-)


Scorpius sighed as he extracted himself from his blankets, outside the sky spoke of the twilight. For many this was a time rarely seen or left all together unfound, for Scorpius it was common. He was a terrible sleeper, and if his mother’s accounts were true it had always been this way. He retired late at night, long after most others and rose long before them. They were lonely hours but Scorpius sought solace in them.

Today though the solace did not come. It was impossible to look outside at this silent hour and be comforted when the scenery outside sped past in blur. Sighing once more he returned to his bed, straightening the blankets. He lay upon them and stared blankly up at the ceiling. He did not wish to think but, when sleep refused to come and there was no possible distraction he had no choice but to submit to the thoughts his brain tortured him with.

At the moment he and his family were speeding on their private train back to England and away from France, away from Angeline . He closed his eyes as his mind was flooded with images of her, of her dark hair, her glittering skin and entrancing eyes.

Scorpius was leaving France for good and needless to say the thought did not please him. He considered with amusement how he had felt when his father had told him four years ago that they were leaving England for France. There had been an almighty row, he recalled how utterly indignant he was about being taken from his country, school and friends without even being asked.

It had been at the end of his first year at Hogwarts that the move had happened, he was not even given the chance to say goodbye to his friends in person. However despite his stubbornness, moved they had. His mother was originally from France and for her the move had been wonderful, a dream come true. Scorpius was sure that his father had done it only to please her, after all France was not exactly his taste. The affectionate way in which people conducted themselves displeased him, never mind the romance and calm with which the air way heavy. These were not in tune with his Fathers sentiments.

Despite his determination to hate the country and everyone in it Scorpius had fallen for France. The school he had attended was one of the top private magical schools in the world. In the beginning he had struggled, although he knew all of the basics from Hogwarts his new school was more flamboyant and demanding of their students. Hard work paid off though and soon he was in the same league as the rest of his age group.

It was the first time that he had been truly thankful that his mother had insisted he learnt French. To begin with most of the students came under the impression that he did not understand what they were saying. Scorpius had let them think this for two whole weeks, not contributing to their discussion but instead listening. This way he was able to figure out who was best to avoid, who would make a good friend and of course who deserved to be jinxed.

So the years passed in a blur of good fun, then the devastating news, they were returning to England and he was returning to Hogwarts. He was leaving behind all of his friends and the country he had grown to love all over again, only this time he was also leaving behind Angeline. He had argued of course, insisted he was allowed to stay in France alone but his mother and father were having none of it, he was going ‘home’ as his father put it.

He dreaded Hogwarts, the liberties given to new students would not even be afforded to him, for he was not new, he was the leaver returning. A humiliating stance to return to all those he had met and left in first year. He wondered how they would react to him, not pleasantly at least, he could bet that much.

He stirred as the door to his room slid open and his eyes fell on his little sister, Elissa. Although he thought of her as ‘little’ there were only two years between them, this year he would be going into sixth year at Hogwarts and she into her fourth. He knew that she was extremely nervous, her early rising was evidence of that. Having never attended Hogwarts she had no idea what to expect.

‘What are you doing up at this time?’ he enquired.

‘I couldn’t sleep’ she replied quietly as she made her way into his room and over to his bed. Silently he moved over and she lay alongside him. They lay there in silence for a long while, neither feeling the need to talk, absorbed deep in their own thoughts. Finally the sun peeped timidly over the hills, shining a single ray into the silent room. Dawn had come, at long last Scorpius and Elissa could leave the room. It was still ridiculously early but they seized upon the small chance to do something other than lie and think.

‘I’ll dress and meet you at breakfast in a short while’ Elissa rose from the bed and left the room. Scorpius pulled himself up and considered the few robes he had to hand, his gaze fell on an elegant black one with silver trimmings. He washed, changed and left the room in search for some food.
The train they were on was theirs and therefore more elaborate than most. However this did not deny the fact that it was still a train, the rooms were still smaller than they ought to be and the blasted thing still moved and shook people of balance. Scorpius wandered up the hallway and into their dining room. Again it was smaller than normally acceptable for a dining room yet it was relatively comfortable.
As soon as he entered a house elf appeared at his feet, bowing.
‘What can Hebe get master for breakfast?’ the elf squeaked and Scorpius noticed that it looked tired, with bloodshot eyes, it had been woken by his early rise to serve him.

‘I would like some fresh fruit, followed by kippers’ he recited as he took his place at the table.
The elf was back in moments with his fruit and juice for him. As he poured himself a drink Elissa entered. Scorpius noted her pretty midnight gown as she too ordered with the house elf. The two of them were immediately distinguishable as brother and sister. Neither had inherited their mothers’ dark features but instead their fathers light ones. Elissa had white blond hair which fell to her waist; it was smooth and shiny and always startled others with its beauty. His too was white blond, they both had the same pale countenance and ice blue eyes. Elissa was slim and Scorpius built, together they made handsome siblings.

When the Malfoy parents rose later on they found their son and daughter in the makeshift living room. Scorpius lay on the chaise long with a book in his hand whilst Elissa plucked the cords of her viola longingly. She was a talented musician who could play any number of instruments with ease. She smiled happily as her parents entered the room, finally she would be allowed to play. This was another of the downfalls of living temporarily on a train, a definite consideration of others was required. Elissa dared not wake her parents with her music and so she had waited patiently for them to wake, and now here they finally up.

Scorpius smiled to himself as his parents left the room after greeting them and Elissa rested the viola under her chin and began to play. The tune was haunting, eerie but beautiful, it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Scorpius loved the music that Elissa played, he too could was trained in a number of instruments but he did not have the natural flare that Elissa had.

When he had been much younger and sleep had finally fallen on him, he woke not long after as nightmares of fabled things tormented his mind. Often, Elissa would hear his cries and she would creep from her room and into his. With her she would bring an instrument of type and would play to him until he feel back to sleep and her own eyes were shutting with drowsiness. Over the years the nightmares had disappeared and their became no need for Elissa’s nightly concert, Scorpius missed it in some ways, but that was a different time, a different life.

The day passed slowly but finally they pulled up at their small train station, flinging a cloak around his shoulders Scorpius left the train. It had been four years since he had been at the Mansion, now he could see it glistening clearly on the hill top, as white as it had been the day they left. Sighing he followed his parents and Elissa up the drive way and back into the life he had thought he had left forever.
Last edited by Kasie on Tue Apr 28, 2009 2:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.
'The truly insane perform on many public stages. The sane stage their performance in the privacy of their own minds. Everyone is an actor. In the end, everyone wants applause.'
Madame Senetsky
Falling Stars by Virginia Andrews
  





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Tue Nov 25, 2008 11:37 pm
moon jumper says...



That was good. There were a few words misspelled if I recall, and an adjective that was placed confusingly. But apart from that it was good.

My friend at first made me write fan fictions (Harry Potter to be exact), so she would have someone to do it with. I went to Mugglenet's fan fiction site, and toyed around. After awhile, I came across the 'after' fictions. Like the one you are currently writing right now. And let me tell you, I read one or two and told myself how [i]hard[i] it would be to write one of those. Bravo to you!

Oh! Just remembered the adjective!
When the Malfoy parents rose later on they found their son and daughter in the makeshift living room. Scorpius lay on the chaise long with a book in his hand whilst Elissa plucked the cords of her viola longingly.


I don't know whether that's the name or if the long is supposed to come before the chaise...

Your writing was very mature and artistic. It flowed beautifully. Again, Bravo!

I love fan fictions. Why don't you PM me when you post the chapter? Please? I've got to thank my friend for making me obsessed with fan fictions; or else I wouldn't have read yours! And what a shame that would have been!

Bravo to your writing and fan fictions!

~jumper
Writing once a day keeps the voices away, and I've created a blog all about it: Daily Dose.
...and I'm now trying to create a user group based on the idea! Tell me if you're interested!
  





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Wed Nov 26, 2008 3:01 pm
Kasie says...



You are way too kind! Thanks for the help though, it's really appreciated! Mugglenet is good for fanfictions but if you really want to read more check out www.harrypotterfanfiction.com it is the place to be for fanfictions! I'll let you know when I post this chapter, I have to finish it first though, so you'll probably see more of it up here before it's done! Thanks! x
'The truly insane perform on many public stages. The sane stage their performance in the privacy of their own minds. Everyone is an actor. In the end, everyone wants applause.'
Madame Senetsky
Falling Stars by Virginia Andrews
  





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Sun Jan 04, 2009 11:26 pm
Antigone Cadmus says...



As promised!

Scorpius sighed as he extracted himself from his blankets, outside the sky spoke of the twilight.


Divide this into two sentences. I'm also not a fan of "the sky spoke of the twilight". All your writing is modern and then this is... rather Dickens.

them, they were lonely hours but Scorpius sought solace in them.


Everything after the comma should be in a new sentence.

Today though the solace did not come, it was impossible to look outside at this silent hour and be comforted when the scenery outside sped past in blur


Everything after the comma should be a new sentence.

straightening the blankets he lay upon them and stared blankly up at the ceiling.


Rewrite as: ...straightening the blankets. He lay upon them...

after all France was not exactly his taste.


Explain why.

To begin with he had struggled,


Strange sounding. I would say, "in the beginning"

and her fourth.


I would say, "and she into her fourth"

He knew that she was extremely nervous having never attended Hogwarts she had no idea what to expect.


Rewrite: "He knew that she was extremely nervous. Having never attended Hogwarts, she had no idea what to expect."

Scorpius noted her pretty midnight gown as she too ordered with the house elf.


I can't imagine a brother noticing his sister's clothes...

Not many nit-picks, all in all.

This is pretty good, but it could use more description.
Show us, don't tell us.
How could Scorpius tell Elissa was nervous? Was she pale? Did her voice tremble? Show us with description.

Hope this helped,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85
  





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Fri Jan 09, 2009 5:21 pm
litchick27 says...



I really like you writing style. I've never read anything like it before. I also like how you protray the Next Generation's Malfoy siblings. Exactly how I pictured them to be. I hope you write more (have you put it up on another site, or something? If you did I would love to read the rest). The idea of Scorpius/Rose intrigues me. I like picturing Ron's "mad face". Ha ha ha!
We were always funny in that car crash sort of way...

NERDFIGHTERS!
  





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Sat Jan 10, 2009 11:15 pm
FountainousQuill says...



I thought this one was really good! The description is obviously present, and I can see what things are like around them. Scorpius's little sister sounds really pretty - I wouldn't mind hair like that! And I like the addition of music into this, since it's played such a little role in the original books.

You mention Angeline's looks a little bit, what she was like in that respect, but I was a bit confused of what she was to Scorpius, if that makes any sense. Like, was she a schoolmate, a girlfriend, a friend from the neighborhood...that sort of thing. But I do like the addition of Angeline.

A lot seems to happen in this short chapter, and I love that. I've never been the greatest fan of Dickens-like writing (using that example since the name was mentioned earlier) or Moby Dick, where there are pages and pages of details, and a few paragraphs of action. I mean, there's only so much interest a description can hold, right? But yours is very action-packed (in a toned down kind of way, I guess) so that really appeals to me more than other things.

Overall, very nice job. I can't wait to read more of your works!
  





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Wed Mar 11, 2009 4:26 am
Windy Silvermist says...



Hey I love this story I've already read the next one too. Anyway are you going to finish? Because this is a truely ausome story, it hooked me almost immedietly. You have this writing style that captures the reader. I want you to keep writing this story pretty pretty please with a comet on top!!! I love the diffrent aspect on the Scorpius & Rose story, like making him returning to Hogwarts from Paris pure genius. Anyway keep it up your doing great.


-Windy
“The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life.”

"You must ask for God's help. ... After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again."
-C.S. Lewis
  








I wondered why we put villains in our stories when we have plenty of them in real life; then I realized that maybe we wanted stories where the good guy wins.
— nogutsnoglory