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Chapter 5 - Part 1



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Tue May 22, 2007 4:54 pm
AyumiGosu17 says...



[b]This is the old version. The new version is much more accurate and understandable. It is titled "Ayumi." [/b]

((Since this is a SUPER long chapter, I'm splitting it into parts. This is PART 1)

CHAPTER 5 RETURN TO THE LEAVES

Kisame and Deidara had gone down the road away from them, leaving Itachi and Ayumi to themselves. She exhaled slowly. Entering a new village was always a nerve-wracking experience for her. Itachi put a hand on the back of her shoulder.

“Will you be alright?” he asked.

Ayumi nodded. “I [i]am[/i] a Sannin.”

“That is [i]not[/i] what I mean! You’ve been through too much already!”

“Itachi, I’ll [i]never[/i] be able to face my fears if I don’t do this! I [i]have[/i] to go in there!” She whirled around to face him.

Itachi sighed, cupping her face in his hand. “Just be careful.”

They briefly kissed, and they were going on their own paths. Just before Itachi was out of sight, he stopped and looked over his shoulder. “I’ll visit when I get a chance.”

Then he disappeared.

Ayumi stood, facing the gate. She was alone again…

The wind began to blow.

She was afraid.

The sun was warm on her shoulders. Its golden rays offered her what comfort she needed, but she was still uneasy. [i](I still have to do this. I’m going in, and then straight to see the Hokage.)[/i] Ayumi walked into the village.

It was very busy in the streets; children ran and played while their parents wandered from shop to shop, market to market, and gossiped. It was too crowded for Ayumi, so she took to the rooftops. She found a ladder and scaled it, making her way to the top of the buildings. There she stood, looking out across the city until her eyes settled on the Hokage’s office door. She moved to head towards it…

SPLASH! She cried aloud when a pail full of paint drenched her. She stood in shock as a blonde boy rolled on the rooftop in front her, laughing hysterically.

Ayumi gasped, focusing on the boy’s face. She had seen him somewhere…She remembered the bridge…She thought. She could see her brother fighting a boy…It was coming to her…The blonde turned and she saw his face before his fist slammed into Haku’s jaw… [i]“You!”[/i]

Her temper snapped. She yelled furiously, leaping for the hysterical prankster. He looked up in time to see a kunai swinging quickly for his chest. As quickly as he had dumped the paint on her, he was up and scampering along the rooftop. Ayumi left the kunai where she had driven it into the tiles, taking off after the boy.

Ayumi followed the yelling boy over several roofs, down into an alley, and across the street. She was much quicker that the Genin, and she was often close enough to land a deadly blow on him, but he would leap away at the last minute, taking off down the street again.

He finally turned, and Ayumi smirked. He had run down a dead end walkway that was too tall and steep to climb. The blonde boy turned, cowering in fear, to face his pursuer.

Ayumi let her chakra flood her body as she folded her hands together, making the hand seal for her Demon Fire Mirrors. He wouldn’t escape her as he did Haku…She let the chakra send a ring of fire about the boy as she opened her mouth to speak…

Her words came as a hoarse cough as she was knocked to the ground, both hands held firmly behind her back. Someone heavy and strong had tackled her before she could use the jutsu.

“Calm down, miss. I can’t have you killing our number one knucklehead ninja!” a cool, familiar voice replied with mild amusement.

Ayumi shifted, with great difficulty, beneath the weight of her own captor until she could see his face…She was on the verge of losing control when she saw him. She roared loudly, fighting to pull free of Kakashi’s grip; the more she struggled, the tighter he held her.

“Look, don’t mind Naruto! He’s always pulling pranks!”

Ayumi yelled, temporarily stopping her thrashing. She glared at Kakashi, amber eyes glowing almost gold. “It’s not that punk! It’s you, bastardly [i]murderer!”[/i]

Kakashi froze, single visible eye wide in confusion. “Murderer?”

Ayumi panted. “That boy on the bridge…was my [i]brother[/i]!”

Her sudden, stronger thrashing took Kakashi by surprise, and he lost his
grip on her. He was flung from her back and head first into the wall, where he lay dazed momentarily as Ayumi kicked to her feet. When he moved to rise, the Kagekizu kept him where he squatted, pinned to the wall by his sleeve.

All were silent as they waited, watching the two elite ninja attentively.

Kakashi broke the silence first. “I’m terribly sorry about the kid’s death, I assure you! Just as I assure you it was unintentional. He…jumped in the way.”

Ayumi could feel her anger lessening. “He wanted to be a great ninja, fighting for what he believed was right!”

“Girl, you can’t being to imagine how bad I feel about that! I owe you my deepest sympathies.”

Ayumi choked. “He was all I had left…” She let her arm fall to her side, which freed Kakashi from sword point. When he motioned to comfort her, Ayumi lashed out, just barely missing his shoulder with the sword. [i]“Stay away from me!”[/i]

She took off running before anyone could utter a sound. She ran down the street, ignoring the shouts of the crowd as she cleaved her way through it. She lost track of how far she had gone, but she soon found herself in front of the gate again.

She hid in its shadow, and wept. She buried her face in her arms, trying to get away from the horrific memories. She didn’t know how long she sat there, crying her anger away, but she didn’t care. She just wanted to disappear.

“Hey,” a young man called nearby. “Are you okay?”

Ayumi looked up to see a brown haired ninja walking towards her. A single scar crossed his face over his nose. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll get better,” the man knelt in front of her.

“It’s just…I miss my brother,” Ayumi sniffled.

“Where is he?”

“K-I-A.”

“Oh.” He looked at his hands a moment, thinking. “I see you ran into Naruto.”

Ayumi nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“What do you say we get you cleaned up, and then I’ll treat you to lunch. After all, the best way to get over something is – ”

“To talk about it,” Ayumi finished the sentence with him.

“What’s your name?” he asked. “I see you’re a Hidden Mist ninja.”

Ayumi nodded hesitantly. “Ayumi Gosu.”

“I’m Iruka Umino. Come on.”

Ayumi shrugged, but stood up beside Iruka. Maybe her life in Konoha wouldn’t be so bad; she’d only been in the village half an hour, but she already found a friend in this man. She walked with him down the street and to a clothing outlet; he waited for her outside as she bought two new outfits, one to put on and another for later.

Refreshed and nicely clothed, they walked across the street to a restaurant, where, despite Ayumi’s protests, Iruka paid for their lunch.

“So, what happened to your brother?” Iruka wondered when they finished eating. “You said he was killed in action earlier.”

Ayumi nodded. “I’d only been reunited with him for four months when he was killed. We were separated when we were orphaned seven years ago.”
Iruka waited patiently.

“He was…” She paused, barely able to continue. “Kakashi killed him…in a duel on the bridge.”

Iruka coughed, startled. “[i]Kakashi?!”[/i]

Ayumi nodded again, hoping he would change the subject.

He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry to hear that, and I know how you feel. I lost my family to Kyuubi twelve years ago.”

Ayumi nodded, sure it was true considering his tone. “And my cousin Emi just lost her entire clan a few weeks ago.”

“Wait a minute. You’re Emi’s cousin?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Don’t call me [i]sir![/i] I’m not [i]that[/i] much older than you! Anyway, I’ve heard a lot about you from Emi.”

“Is she here?” Ayumi perked up.

“Yes, but that will have to wait. We need to discuss a few things with the Hokage.”

She nodded. “That was my first priority.”



Ayumi entered the dimly lit office. At his desk, the Hokage sat going through a stack of paperwork.

“Lord Hokage?” Ayumi called hesitantly.

The old man looked up. “Yes, come in.”

Ayumi entered, slightly bowing to the Hokage. She sat in the chair opposite him when he gestured towards it.

“You must be our hot-headed visitor who helped catch Naruto?”

Ayumi blushed. “Yes, sir.” Then she thought. [i](How does he know?)[/i]

“What can I do for you?”

Ayumi waited, thinking. “I would like to become a member of this village, and possibly enroll at the Academy. If you would consent, perhaps I could participate in the upcoming Chuunin exams, as well.”

“Aren’t you a bit old to be a student?”

“Emi Sukotto is here, is she not?”

“Why…yes, but in an independent study course. Do you know her?” He looked at her skeptically.

“She’s my cousin.”

He blinked. “That’s interesting; she never mentioned you. Are you as advanced as she is?”

“Not yet, sir. I’m…only a Sannin.”

There was a moment of silence as he pulled out his pipe and lit it. “Very well. Are you interested enough to go on missions? We could use more ninja like you and Emi.”

“Yes, sir!”

“Fine, then. I’ll have you fill out this paperwork, please. You can take it with you or finish it here. Your choice.” He reached into his cabinet and removed a two-inch-thick stack of papers. Ayumi eyed it loathingly.

“I’ll just…do it here lest I forget it.”

“All right. Here’s a pen. You can have a seat outside in the lobby.”

Ayumi reluctantly gathered up the stack of papers and the pen. She left the stuffy, dark office and sat against the wall outside the door, and began to fill in the blanks. Hand sore, she returned to the Hokage almost two hours later.

“Ah, good. Thank you…” He looked at the name on the first line. “Ayumi.”

You’re welcome, Hokage – [i]Lord [/i]Hokage!”

They laughed at her formality, and the Hokage waved it aside. “You don’t have to be so formal with me, dear girl! Now, enjoy your first evening in Konoha.”

Ayumi waited. “Lord Hokage? Where can I get an apartment?”

“An apartment…” He thought a moment, still smoking his pipe. “There’s a nice complex about six blocks down the main street. They’re very nice and quite affordable. You could try there.”

Ayumi bowed. “Thank you, Lord Hokage.” She turned and made her way towards the main street.



Ayumi sighed, plopping on the bed of her new home. The scent of clean fabric, daisies, and soap flooded her nostrils. Iruka chuckled.

“So, how long do you plan on staying, Ayumi?” he asked, setting one of Ayumi’s bags down on the floor near the bedroom. Ayumi had carried the other one.

“I don’t know. I’m tired of moving and running, really,” she answered. “I’ve run from two senseis and about six misfortunes.”

“[i]Two [/i]senseis? How many headbands do you have?”

“Two. A Hidden Mist and a Hidden Sound. I’m from the Hidden Mist, but I don’t want to go back there. Too many bad memories.”

Iruka shrugged. “I understand. Well, I would show you around the village if you weren’t so tired. It is after seven.”

“I appreciate the thought. Maybe tomorrow.”

“Good night, Ayumi.”

He left quietly, closing the door behind him. Ayumi sat up where she lay, and looked around. The kitchen and living room were just to her right, extending past her view to the front door. To her left was a large bathroom, equipped with a Jacuzzi tub and a walk in closet. A second door opened out onto the balcony, which extended across the outside wall of the living room.
Ayumi stood up and stretched. She withdrew her pajamas, a pair of red silk pants and shirt, and moved to lock the front door. She returned to her bedroom, closing the door to it as well.

She looked around, scoffing. They had a double bed, desk and lamp, dresser and mirror, and bed stand in the room, but there was no changing screen in sight. She sighed, walking over to the balcony door. It was a sliding glass door with curtains over it. She made sure the door was closed and locked before closing the curtains.

Ayumi removed her day garments, laying them in a pile near the door. She’d wash those later. Just as she began to step into her pajama pants, she heard a mischievous snicker near the balcony. She pretended not to hear it and continued to dress.

She heard the giggling again when she turned around. There was someone looking through the window[i]…(Wait, the window?!)[/i] She had forgotten to draw the curtain on the window! And now some white haired [i]pervert [/i]was watching her dress!

Ayumi quickly but quietly unlocked and slipped open the balcony door, passing though it as the man continued to giggle. She looked across the balcony, and there, sitting on the railing with a ridiculous grin on his face, was the pervert.

He yelled in surprise when Ayumi latched onto the back of his neck, digging her fingernails into the pressurepoints on either side of his nape. Ayumi forced the man to stand up beside her.

“[i]Explain,[/i] pervert!” Ayumi spat.

He stammered, taken aback by her aggression. “I-I couldn’t resist! You're so pretty and-and curvy!”

Ayumi tightened her grip on him. “I don’t mind the compliments, you sick-minded dog! But peeping toms are my [i]biggest pet peeves[/i]!” She brought up her fist, punching the man so hard he was torn from her hand and sent flying, screaming, across the city.

Someone tapped on the front door, and Ayumi groaned her annoyance. “Won’t people let me [i]sleep?!” [/i]Nonetheless, she went back through into the apartment, through the bedroom, and across the living room. Someone knocked again just before she reached the door.

A young, pink haired girl stood there. “Um…Is this Ayumi’s room?”

Ayumi nodded. “Yes, I’m Ayumi.”

“My name’s Sakura. Iruka-sensei asked me to come check on you, and Naruto wouldn’t come up here to apologize for…for something.”

“I’m pretty sure I know why. Come on in,” Ayumi stepped to the side, and
Sakura obediently entered. “Make yourself at home.”

Sakura explored the apartment a few minutes before sitting on the sofa. The living room was enormous; against one wall was a bookcase and beside it was a table. On the opposite wall was a television cabinet, a nice painting hanging beside it. In the center of the room was an arrangement of a mahogany coffee table, two recliners, and a large leather sofa.

“This is a nice place. You just got here?” the curious preteen wondered.

“Just this morning.”

“Where are you from?”

Ayumi looked away. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Iruka-sensei said you wouldn’t…”

They sat for a while, just looking around and reading the few magazines
Ayumi found on the bookshelf. Sakura then got an idea.

“Hey! I could show you around Konoha tomorrow if you want!”

Ayumi smiled. “All right.” Ayumi closed the book she had been reading and set it down on the table. “Sakura, is there anything entertaining around here? Like a park or a theater?”

“Oh, yes. There are two parks just across the street, and the theater is on the other side of town.”

“Great! I have been on the road so long it’s not even funny!”

“Are you serious? How long?”

Ayumi raised both eyebrows. “Five years.”

Sakura’s jaw dropped. “Doing [i]what?”[/i]

“Missions, training…trying not to get killed.”

“Who’s trying to kill you?”

Ayumi then started sharing her life’s story with the girl, getting more open as she continued. Sakura was an attentive listener and quite expressive. Any tense or life-threatening moment made her skittish, and the mournful ones forced tears from her eyes.

When Ayumi started talking about Itachi and their tender moments – not mentioning his name or nationality – the girls found themselves talking about boys and love in general. At least they had one thing in common; they both despised Naruto.

“He’s so annoying! He’s always bragging about how powerful he’s gonna be and how much the girls are going to like him! And if he’s not being obnoxious, he’s being retarded!”

Ayumi laughed. “Like painting the Hokage faces and dumping paint on me?”

“Yeah, or fighting with my dear Sasuke!”

Ayumi coughed. “Sasuke?”

“Uh huh! He’s so cool! He’s the best rookie this year, and he’s so cute! I just want to be his girlfriend and marry him and live happily ever after!” She hugged herself, giggling.

Ayumi just looked at her.

“I’m sorry, I just…get like that.” She remembered something else, which revived her spunky, hyper attitude. “And then there’s Rock Lee. He follows me everywhere saying he loves me and he would die for me and everything!”

“It’s the thought that counts.”

Sakura waited. “You know, you’re right. But what about your boyfriend? He sounds really devoted and nice.”

“And hot.”

“He is?”

“Ooh, yes! And we are pretty much devoted to each other. We’ve saved each other’s lives like…” She paused a moment, counting on her fingers. “Three times each.”

Sakura’s eyes bulged. “Wow. Is he here, or…where is he?”

“He’s out on a mission. I don’t know when he’ll be back. I just hope he’s okay.”

“Yeah.” Sakura looked away from Ayumi again, thinking about something else. She had trouble with words, but Ayumi waited patiently. The girl would ask her question in a moment.

“No, you’re too old to enroll at the Academy, aren’t you?” Sakura finally blurted.

“I am, just as I’m too strong to participate in the Chuunin exams fairly.”

“Are you taking the independent study course?”

“Yes, the Hokage and Iruka mentioned it.”

“Okay. That works.” A clock began to toll. “Are you starting tomorrow?”

“I might. It depends.” The bell a final, tenth time. “Well, if we’re going to do anything tomorrow, we both need to get to bed. I’ll see you later, Sakura.”

“All right. So, are we friends?” Sakura stood up.

“Yes. We’re friends. Good night!”

Sakura turned to the door. “Good night, Ayumi-san!”

Ayumi went through her apartment, making sure the windows and doors were all locked, all curtains closed, and the lights were off before climbing into bed. She was asleep the moment she closed her eyes.

Habitually, Ayumi was up just after dawn. She stretched and took a pair of jeans and a cotton tunic from her pack, making her way to the bathroom. There, she quickly bathed, brushed her hair, and dressed. In an hour, she was ready for her morning exercise.

Making sure her tennis shoes’ strings were tied, she began to jog down the sidewalk toward the nearest park. It was a bit warm for her attire, but she easily got used to it. She finally reached the dirt and gravel path that led into the shadows of the trees, and she turned onto it, slowing to a walk.
It was peaceful in the park. Birds fluttered and called from the canopy, and squirrels barked back and forth. Ayumi breathed in the sweet scent of summer flowers, their pleasant aroma filling her nostrils. Deep within her, she could feel a soft melody rising.

She left the woods to find herself in a wide open meadow. It was flat and grassy, except for the fact a river ran through one end of it. Three poles were standing in the center of a patch of dirt, and just beyond it was an obsidian memorial.

The source-less music played louder within her. She could feel it controlling her movements. She was glad she had put on her swimsuit beneath her clothes, for she was getting extremely warm. After she removed her shirt, she let her body move.

Ayumi didn’t focus on what she did; she just moved. Her movements were sharp and strong, and she would instantly move into another. Her punches were followed by kicks, and those were trailed with leg sweeps or jumps.
She finished her taijutsu workout by kicking twice, one high followed with a spinning kick, and threw five senbon into one of the poles. She stood still, panting, as someone applauded her.

“Nice! Very impressive, Ayumi!” Iruka exclaimed.

Ayumi smiled. “Thanks!” She walked towards him, slipping her shirt back on.

“Was that a mixture of Drunken and Iron?”

“No. That was all Ayumi. I’m very unpredictable.”

“I noticed. So, this is where you’ve been the last hour…” He looked around the meadow. “The K.I.A. Memorial Park.”

“Is that was that is?” Ayumi gestured to the obsidian monument. “A K.I.A. Memorial?”

Iruka nodded. “Do you want to look around Konoha for a while, or would you prefer to go to the Academy?”

“I’d like to explore a bit,” Ayumi answered, “but I want to get some shorts first.”

Iruka laughed. “I’m sure! It does get hot here.”

Ayumi smiled, walking back to her apartment with Iruka on her heels.



Sakura arrived shortly after they did, and she and Iruka spoke while Ayumi changed clothes.

“Sakura, are you doing anything in particular?” Ayumi heard Iruka ask.

“No, not really. Why?” Sakura answered.

“I need to get to work, but Ayumi wants to look around Konoha before she starts at the Academy. Could you…?”

“Oh, yes! I’ll show her around! You don’t need to be late!”

“I know, and I would give her a tour myself.”

Ayumi opened her bedroom door, wearing a pair of leggings and a silk top underneath a gold kimono. Iruka and Sakura waited to hear Ayumi’s response, knowing she had heard them.

“It’s fine by me, Iruka. I understand,” Ayumi assured him. “And Sakura did want to show me around.”

Iruka sighed his relief. Ayumi smiled as Sakura leapt in joy.

They parted ways, Iruka headed towards the Academy as Sakura and Ayumi took off down the street, laughing and running. When they reached the center of downtown, they stopped and rested against a fountain.

“I’ve forgotten how gorgeous this place is! I love it here!” Ayumi giggled.

“I know. Especially in spring.” Sakura looked around and waved vigorously at another girl. She looked shy, and she was very pale. Her black hair was
cut so one could just see her eyes. Sakura called her over.

“Good morning, Sakura,” the girl said quietly.

“Good morning, Hinata. This is Ayumi. She’s new here,” Sakura introduced them. “Ayumi, this is Hinata Hyuuga.”

“Nice to meet you, Hinata,” Ayumi spoke sweetly.

“Welcome to Konoha,” was the soft answer.

The trio walked the streets of Konoha, conversing and investigating various shops. Hinata was apparently of the Hyuuga ‘main house,’ and she had the kekkei genkai Byakuugan. Ayumi and Hinata then started talking about the abilities and limits of the trait.

“So, in most ways, the Byakuugan is stronger than the Sharingan?” Sakura asked after a while.

“Yes. Byakuugan may not be able to copy the movements and jutsu of an opponent, but it can, as we’ve said, give the weilder a three hundred sixty degree view, the ability to see chakra flow and points, and see miniscule details in everything,” Ayumi explained.

Hinata nodded. “But how do you know so much?”

Ayumi stopped, looking at them. “Because I have the Byakuugan myself.”
To prove her point, Ayumi focused her chakra and activated the ultimate
optic kekkei genkai. She grinned, laughing at the girls’ startled expressions. Before she could open her mouth to explain, though, she noticed someone approaching them from behind.

“Hello, again…[i]Naruto[/i],” Ayumi scoffed without turning around.

He stopped instantly. “Who are [i]you[/i]?”

Ayumi slowly turned, staring at him over her shoulder.

“[i]Gah![/i] Sakura, help me!” he scrambled behind Sakura, face white in fear. “Don’t let her [i]hurt[/i] me! Or [i]kill [/i]me!”

Ayumi pulled him out from behind Sakura, who was cringing from having him so near to her. “I’m not going to hurt you, kid, now shut it!”

Naruto stopped screaming, but Ayumi still felt him trembling from fear in her grasp.

“I want to apologize for my behavior yesterday, but know that I am easily annoyed and you don’t want to [i]anger[/i] me. If you stay out of my way, you won’t get hurt.” She offered a hand, proposing conditional tolerance of him. “Got it?”

Naruto hesitantly and feebly shook hands with her, nodding vigorously. Then he asked, “What…happens if you…get angry?”

Ayumi let the Byakuugan fade away, revealing her green eyes as she spoke. “I lose control, and I attempt to destroy…[i]everything.”[/i]

Sakura gasped, Hinata stepped back, and Naruto gulped. The Genins obviously didn’t like the sound of her temper. Ayumi looked at them reassuringly.

“I’m not like that all the time! And it’s hard to truly anger me.”

“Good!” Sakura smiled as she and Hinata relaxed. Naruto heaved an exasperated sigh; the girls laughed at his dramatic behavior.

“Well, I’d best be getting to the Academy. I need to start that independent study course as soon as I can,” Ayumi shrugged regretfully.

Hinata shrugged. “I guess I’ll show you where it is.”

“All right!” she shared a smile. To Naruto, she nodded sarcastically. “Later, Naruto.”

He took off running, disappearing in a cloud of dust. Sakura looked at
Ayumi curiously, hands on her hips. “What did you do to him? He [i]never[/i] runs from new comers!”

Ayumi sucked her teeth. “I was in a bad mood, he ticked me off, and I…threw Kakashi around a little.”

Sakura’s eyes widened. “You overwhelmed [i]Kakashi-sensei[/i]?”

Nodding, but not proud of that fact, Ayumi followed Hinata to the Academy.[/i]
Last edited by AyumiGosu17 on Sun Jan 06, 2008 10:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery." Timothy 4:14 KJV
  





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Tue May 22, 2007 9:45 pm
M.B.Author says...



Yay!

More Naruto fan writing! Go Naruto! Anyway about the story, loved it. It was fun and interasting. It was long, so how many parts do you think on having for this chapter?

I love this story! And I love your writing. Keep up the good work.

-- M.B.Author
Listen to advice and except discipline so that you
may be wise for the rest of your life
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Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:31 am
PsychicNinja says...



Hi again!
I like it. Keep it up.
Character interplay is good as always!
But you really need to explain how Ayumi got the Byakugan or just ditch it!
Only Hyugas have Byakugan.....
I like the interplay between Naruto and Ayumi! Very good.
Keep it up the good work!
~PsychicNinja
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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Thu Jun 21, 2007 8:22 pm
Dynamo says...



Let me guys, the white haired guy is Jiraiya, one of the three sennin. Very nice, I thought it was funny as hell. I only spotted on or two spelling mistakes, everything else is pretty good. Looking forward to reading the rest when I have time.
Chicken <-- Egg <-- Rocket Powered Fist
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Sat Jan 05, 2008 4:41 am
PsychicNinja says...



Konbanwa Audra-chan.

I shall start the night be critting Part 1 of your Chapter 5!

As I go:

Ayumi nodded. “I am a Sannin.”


This doesn't quite make sense. The Sannin are the special group of legendary nin-Orochimaru, Tsunade, and Jiraiya. No one else can really be a Sannin, per say.

“Itachi, I’ll never be able to face my fears if I don’t do this! I have to go in there!” She whirled around to face him.


I don't really get it...how could going to the Leaf Village (which she really doesn't have a motive for) be facing her fears? I understand that she sees as Kakashi-kun killing Haku but...

“I’ll visit when I get a chance.”


I kinda like this line. It sorta implies that Itachi loves Ayumi so much he'll go back to the village he left...and it implied what happens...later... :wink: :wink:

Ayumi stood, facing the gate. She was alone again…


Right now I'm assuming that this is the gate to Konoha.

She found a ladder and scaled it, making her way to the top of the buildings.


I think scaled should be climbed...people don't really scale ladders...

SPLASH! She cried aloud when a pail full of paint drenched her.


I think you should start this out differently.

She stood in shock as a blonde boy rolled on the rooftop in front her, laughing hysterically.


Okay, okay, you just totally captured the art of Naruto!

“Calm down, miss. I can’t have you killing our number one knucklehead ninja!” a cool, familiar voice replied with mild amusement.


*sings* Love it!!

Ayumi choked. “He was all I had left…” She let her arm fall to her side, which freed Kakashi from sword point. When he motioned to comfort her, Ayumi lashed out, just barely missing his shoulder with the sword. “Stay away from me!”


Somehow, I think a substitution jutsu would work in somewhere around here...

Ayumi waited, thinking. “I would like to become a member of this village, and possibly enroll at the Academy. If you would consent, perhaps I could participate in the upcoming Chuunin exams, as well.”


It would seem that Ayumi is at Jonin-level, so I don't think she should really enter the Academy..or even think about entering it...just take the exams to be an official Chunin!

“Not yet, sir. I’m…only a Sannin.”


Look to above comment about Sannin.

There was a moment of silence as he pulled out his pipe and lit it. “Very well. Are you interested enough to go on missions? We could use more ninja like you and Emi.”

“Yes, sir!”


Okay, well technically, since Ayumi has a Mist village headband, she wouldn't really go on misisons for Konoha since the MIst and Leaf aren't really allies...

She left the stuffy, dark office and sat against the


Actually, Sandaime-sama's office always seemed pretty....light!

He left quietly, closing the door behind him. Ayumi sat up where she lay, and looked around. The kitchen and living room were just to her right, extending past her view to the front door. To her left was a large bathroom, equipped with a Jacuzzi tub and a walk in closet. A second door opened out onto the balcony, which extended across the outside wall of the living room.


A little bit much! Maybe a studio apartment would be better...this seems a little to lavish. Just look at Naruto's house...

She heard the giggling again when she turned around. There was someone looking through the window…(Wait, the window?!) She had forgotten to draw the curtain on the window! And now some white haired pervert was watching her dress!


LMAO that's too funny.

“My name’s Sakura. Iruka-sensei asked me to come check on you, and Naruto wouldn’t come up here to apologize for…for something.”


Isn't it like eight at night? And knowing that Ayumi just arrived and all, I don't think Sakura would be visiting...tell me if i'm getting something wrong here! ^^

When Ayumi started talking about Itachi and their tender moments – not mentioning his name or nationality – the


Good. ^^

Sakura turned to the door. “Good night, Ayumi-san!”


If you're gonna start with the Japanese name suffixes, I suggest you start using them in the beginning...at least in the beginning of this chapter.

She stretched and took a pair of jeans and a cotton tunic from her pack, making her way to the bathroom.


Jeans don't tend to exsist in the Naruto relm...maybe dark blue capris?

She was glad she had put on her swimsuit beneath her clothes, for she was getting extremely warm. After she removed her shirt, she let her body move.


Um..this is really awkward..maybe it should be a tanktop or something..not really swim suit.

“I’ve forgotten how gorgeous this place is! I love it here!” Ayumi giggled.


When Ayumi says this, shouldn't Sakura be sorta questioning? I mean she's never been to Konoha other than Sound missions, right?



Overall, they're getting much better. And I'm really enjoying reading this. You do a good job of getting into Sakura, Naruto, and Kakashi's and Jiraiya's characters! ^^

I still have to say that you need some explanation of how Ayumi got the Leaf trait Byakuugan or just ditch it. ^^

~The [s]great [/s]Psychic Ninja, Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  








The poetry of the earth is never dead.
— John Keats