Young Writers Society

"My life seems as though to have something in its eye, and it keeps blinking back and forth. Reality, dreams, dreams reality." from the diary of Tairen Zyiack, February 1rst, 1352.


Tairen slowly dragged his feet behind Roku. The black fox moved at a steady pace. Roku had kept his pace for three days with no food or rest while Tairen was at the verge of collapsing.
"Roku... we need to stop. I'm going to die." The fox turned around and stared at him and smiled wearily.

"You shouldn't say things like that, vultures are always listening. If you are that tired though, of course we can rest." The fox trotted back to Tairen.
Tairen sighed in relief, at leaned against a nearby berch tree.
"Take a nap, when you wake up I'll have a fire going and some food for us." Tairen nodded, his heavy eyelids already drooping. The fox walked away into the thick woods. it was a few minutes afterwards that Tairen fell asleep. For what seemed liked days to him, Tairen jumped between reality and his dreams.
Tairen slowly awoke, a fire was blazing in front of him, a rabbit roasting above it. Roku was streched out on another berch trees branch, one of his furry legs dangling off the edge. He was talking to someone. Tairen turned his head slowly, to see a meeting taking place near the fire.
A bold centaur stood in front of the fire, his brown fur standing out against the white world.
"- he can't be the one, he is as old as you look!" The centaur said, his deep gruffy voice startling Tairen. Roku chuckled on the branch.

"If I didn't look so young I wouldn't of been able to win over his trust. Anyways he must be the one, he's pulsing with energy, you can practically see it. Magic's in his blood."

Tairen almost gasped. They surely couldn't of been talking about him, and he must of misheard them. Only witches could use magic and witches are all girls. Men can't use magic and they clearly said "he". A girl who looked about twenty sat next to the centaur on a log. She had long, oddly light hair. Tairen couldn't tell if her hair was a light blonde or white from the distance. She had pale skin and wore a white dress. She spoke softly and gracefully.

"Roku is right. He is the one. He looks just as I pictured him. Too bad it seems as though he hasn't discovered his talent. His father has already discovered it. Roku, you need to tell him." The girl turned to Tairen, who tightened his eyes, and acted as if he was sleeping. The girl looked at him, her plain white eyes seeming as though to melt his soul. She smiled at him and winked. She turned back to the group, walking the smile off her face.

Did she know he was awake? Tairen couldn't tell.

"Yeah, yeah Lunesta I'll tell him. Maybe Sola should be here too, he would know how to break it to him. A little bit of his advice right now wouldn't hurt." Roku said, crossing his front arms in front of him on the branch and resting his head upon them.

The centaur looked at him sternly. "Roku, if he was here there would be no one back with the rebellion to lead them, Who knows what could happen. If I were you, I'd watch my sly tongue, fox." The centaur said, giving Roku a dirty stare.

"Borrin, calm down. This meeting is getting too far off task. Anyways, you two fighting is the last thing we need. Anyways, if the boy does accept his powers, we need to make sure that he'll join our side."

Roku smiled. " The boy has witnessed a few fatalties of loved ones close to him." His smile diminished into a small frown. "I know how he feels. Joining them is the last thing he'll want to do."

Borrin turned towards Roku. "Yes, but power irritates ones soul. We can't leave this in the hands of your gut feelings. We need to convince him."

Roku growled at the centaur. "I am not as stupid as you think. I was taking him to his fathers house. If what he witnesses there isn't enough to keep him with us, he'll be worth nothing to any of us."

"Shut your mouth fool! he is worth something to us no matter what. Anyways, he would make one cute soldier." Lunesta said smiling.

"Do not let your emotions get in the way of your choices Lunesta. A mind should be twice as strong as ones heart." Borrin said studying Tairen.

Somehow Tairen thought that his acting skills weren't working very well on the giant centaur. "Something about him doesn't seem peaceful enough for him to be asleep. Are you sure that your elixirs are working Roku?"

Roku frowned. "You do seem right for once Borrin. Let me check." Roku jumped off the branch, landing on all four with a poof of powder from the snow.

"No wait," Lunesta said standing up. "If he is awake he may be in a drugged state. If he is awake he'll see me and think I'm only a dream." Roku nodded and she approached him. She bent over, coming eye to eye with Tairen. "If I were you I would work on your acting skills hun. Now you better fall back alseep before Borrin realizes that you are awake." Lunesta whispered softly to Tairen.

"I'm Tairen." Tairen responded back in a whisper.

"I know." Then Lunesta stood up, and walked back to the others. "He was asleep. I think that maybe Roku gave him too strong of a dose. He seemed as though in pain." Roku avoided eye contatc from the others and jumped back up to his branch.

Tairen's eyelids once again becam heavy. Whatever Roku was using on Tairen was working, and he once again fell back asleep.

(I'm reading this without having read your previous chapters...)

It seems quite interesting. And yay, a talking fox!

Just a few things, since I don't have that much time:

First off, could you format this so that there's a space between paragraphs? It makes it a lot easier on the eyes. ^_^

"My life seems as though to have something in its eye, and it keeps blinking back and forth. Reality, dreams, dreams reality."

Hehe, I like this quote.

The black fox moved at a steady pace. Roku had kept his pace for three days with no food or rest and Tairen was at the verge of collapsing.

"Pace" twice here seems a tiny bit awkward. Maybe combine the sentences, or use a different word in one of them?

If you are that tired though of course we can rest.

I think you need at least one comma in there to be clear. At first I thought it meant he was tired of the course they were taking...

The fox trodded

I don't think trodded is a word? Trod and trotted are, though...

You're missing some apostrphes in this:

magics in his blood.

It should be "magic's" since it's a contraction.

his fathers house.

Should be "father's".

And use a spellcheck, since there are also some typos.

And, um, just so you know, Lunesta is the name of a sleep aid medication.

Quote:
Roku had kept his pace for three days with no food or rest and Tairen was at the verge of collapsing.
Don’t you think ‘while’ would be better than ‘and’?

Quote:
If you are that tired though of course we can rest."
Add a comma.

Quote:
when you awaken
-When you ‘wake up’? ‘Awaken’ doesn’t sound right here, but I’m not sure…

Quote:
For what seemed liked days to Tairen, he jumped between reality and his dreams.
Swap ‘Tairen’ with ‘him’ and ‘he’ with ‘Tairen’.

Quote:
Tairen couldn't tell if her hair was a light blonde or a white from the distance.
Delete the second ‘a’/

Quote:
Anyways he must be the one, he's pulsing with energy, you can practically see it. Anyways, magic's in his blood."
Too many ‘anyways’.

Quote:
Yeah, Yeah Lunesta I'll tell him
Second ‘yeah’ by small letters.

Quote:
Roku, if he was here their would be no one back with the rebellion to lead them, who knows what could happen.
Even when I changed ‘their’ to ‘there’ I still couldn’t understand the sentence.


Quote:
Are you sure that your elixers are working Roku?"
Comma before Roku. Elixir or elixirs.

Quote:
"You do seem right for once Borrin. Let me check. Roku jumped off the branch, landing on all four with a poof of powder from the snow.
End the dialog.


Okay, those are most of the mistakes. Very good that you formatted!
I actually liked this piece, though once again, teh diary entry was confusing.

P.S. Format the entries that you entered before, ok? And correct them if you haven't done it so far (sorry if you did I just didn't check)

Ive been beaten to a full critique. This was very Narnia. Few since Lewis have used talking animals in fantasy (well few that I have read of).

I arnt sure if this was original or not. In one way its copying off of Lewis, in the other it isnt.

Either way I found it a tad boring.

I didn't find it boring. I found it interesting...the only place that my attention drifted was at the "meeting" or whatever it is. Just try and make that a little clearer. But other than that, I enjoyed it! Good work!

thanks guys. I didn't mean to Make it anything like C.S. Lewis. The only reason I'm making an animal talk is because he's a were-ling. (like a werewolf?) Lots of stories lately have been touching base on things like those. There's even one in the inheritance trilogy.