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Draft 2 of chapter 2 of my book{please edit}



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Sun Dec 10, 2006 7:13 pm
blackwings_angel says...



Simon got home he noticed something was wrong. The front door was unlocked and the house was oddly cold. He knew that his parents always locked the doors. The first thought that came to Simon’s mind was “burglar.” Simon reached into the umbrella pot and pulled out his Dad’s nightstick, just in case. He went inside and grabbed the cordless phone stuck it in his pocket and headed off towards his room. His hands shook along the hand rail with fear, every step seemed as though to creak louder than the one before. The old house always gave Simon the feeling he was being watched, by someone, or something, somewhere. As he reached the top of the stairs, he saw an eerie light flooding under the bottom of his door. When he reached his room he saw a man with a long trench coat sitting on his bed. As soon as he turned to run he froze, in his place. Around his leg, invisible shackles held him in places, jingling softly when he tried to move.

“Do not be afraid Simon.” The man said.

“How do you know my name?! How’d you get in here? Please take whatever you want just don’t hurt me.” Simon said, pulling at the shackles at his feet.

“I am the lord’s representative. Heaven is very much like a giant business corporation you know.” The man said, adjusting his trench coat slightly. “My name is Ezekiel, angel of the tongue and of inner truth; my goal is to help you save humanity.” Out of the trench coat’s right pocket he pulled out a bible. It was the most raggedy bible Simon had ever seen. It had a leather binding that was torn and ragged. The only thing remarkable about the bible was that the cross on the front might as well be used for a flashlight, for a brilliant gold cross shone on the front. The light given off by the cross illuminated Simon’s room, giving it a godly presence and made the shadows dance and flicker, as if by candlelight.

Simon said not believing what he heard. This man was too weird to be an angel. He had blonde hair and his eyes had no pupil, no iris, nothing. They were just white. “If you are an angel show me your wings, everyone knows angels have wings.” Simon said feeling as if he had found a flaw in the man’s disguise.

“Find if I must show you to prove that I am who I claim to be will you listen, so that I can release those shackles?” The man said, unbuttoning his trench coat.
“Yes, I will listen, but if you aren’t I’m calling the cops.” Simon reached into his pocket and dialed 9-1- waiting for the man to make his move. Simon’s head was spinning, this was too weird.

The man unbuttoned his trench coat all the way, leaving it draped over his shoulders. Underneath the coat Simon saw what looked like a silver breast plate, the kind of armor the used in the Middle Ages. The man lifted up his head and the coat flew from his back, revealing two giant 6 foot white wings protruding from his back. He wore a silver breast plate with nothing under it. His muscular arms were bare. He wore a belt with a silver buckle that had a cross in the middle. Attached to the belt he had a sword on one side, and his shield on the other. He had on white pants that rest at the head of his sandals. Simon dropped his father’s nightstick and stared. He stared for ten minutes before the angel pulled back in his wings and put his trench coat back on over them.

“Now, let’s get to business.” The angel said, while re-buttoning his coat. “I am here to inform you of your powers and what you must accomplish.” Simon continued to look at Ezekiel as if he was a ghost. “A man will be helped by Lucifer to discover ‘Lucinian’ metal, a metal that is super flame resistant. You must-” The Angel’s bible suddenly flashed brighter than ever. “One moment please.” The angel said opening the book. The room filled with a golden light and what sounded like millions of voices and one voice, all at once, The voices were the same and seemed as if to come from the room itself. Ezekiel nodded once or twice and after marking himself with the cross, closed the book. “Satan is pulling another one of his devilish attacks; on heaven I will be back later to inform you of what you must accomplish. I must defend your home. In a few moments you will fall to sleep, when you wake up do not let Satan trick you, this was not a dream I will be back in one week until then, take care.” And with that the light white and the angel faded out of view.

When Simon woke up he was in his bed, kindly tucked in with a bible on his desk “Ugh, I had the weirdest dream!” Simon said rubbing his head. “Angels, Psht.” Meanwhile, in heaven, Ezekiel arrived at a cliff overlooking all of heaven. Unsheathing his fiery sword, he flew into battle, prepared for whatever would happen.
  





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Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:33 pm
armonia says...



I like this. It makes me want to know what comes next. Thats what I really look for in a story.
amor, pérdida, y la vida vivimos en medio.
  





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Mon Jan 01, 2007 12:31 pm
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Esmé says...



Quote:
Simon got home he noticed something was wrong.
‘When Simon (…)’

Quote:
He went inside and grabbed the cordless phone stuck it in his pocket and headed off towards his room.
You should add ‘and’ into this sentence.

Quote:
It was the most raggedy bible Simon had ever seen. It had a leather binding that was torn and ragged.
In your text I found plenty of such situations, but I am ot going to point out each and every one of them. You used ‘ragged’ two times. The reader already knows that. ‘To’.

Quote:
Simon reached into his pocket and dialed 9-1-
I am pretty sure that that is enough to call the police. (Not entirely, though).

Okay, so that’s it. Personally, I liked this part the most of all your pieces of writing, though the first paragraph was a bit of a chaos.
  





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571 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 14170
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Thu Jan 11, 2007 1:19 pm
Esmé says...



You ask for critiques - I give you one. Short, I admit, but nevertheless it is a critique, is it not?

But the critic cannot edit your story, can he? Its up to you edit it, change it. What's the point of asking people to take their time read your story if you don't intend to improve it? I've noticed that you do this on your other stories, too.

I'm not saying that you should agree with every little picky comment you get from me or anyone else, no. I'm just asking for you to consider improving the sentences where mistakes are obvious, e.g. the first one. Please.


I understand that this is draft 2. Make 3 more drafts if it will be needed.

Sorry I'm being picky, but I have no idea if you are even reading any critique written by anyone. You never improved anything, and the only one to whom you answered was to teh person who was literally worshipping your work.

Sorry if I sounded a bit picky,

-elein
  





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Fri Jan 12, 2007 1:52 am
blackwings_angel says...



sorry guys I've been way off task on this story lately. :oops: I've been doing more wrok on my storybooks and Innocence
Glory is like a circle in the water, Which never ceaseth to enlarge itself, Till by broad spreading it disperses to naught. -William Shakespeare

join my Storybook, now would be a great time for a new character to come in. :wink:
  








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