Young Writers Society

WARNING! Some of this may contain graphic or obscure things that may not be suitable for children.

Prologue


"In which we meet two men, the shepherd and a lamb."

“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.” I like the idea of starting with quotes too.
-Emmanuel Teney





The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson [s]red[/s] Seeing as crimson is a shade of red you don't need to mention the word red, that way you won't tie your readers up in first line descriptions. As a first line I'm not too sure about this: generally descriptions like these aren't great for an opening sentence. Opening sentences need to grab us into the story, pull us and refuse to let us go. This does intrigue us to some extent, after all we want to find out why there's blood on the floor, but whether we'd carry on reading, that's another matter. paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement. This opinion will most certainly be controversial, but I think this line should be the opener, it's short and to the point, yet interesting. The one lying on the floor was a Mr. Steven Miller. He was on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood. Whoa! Slow down! Way too many descriptions in the one sentence, you also use the word blood/bloody too much. This line needs to be condensed. Description can make a story, but at the same time it can ruin it, I'm just telling you to be careful. They were all still connected to him. The other one was standing besides the man. Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp. Steven began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.
“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood. I like this line, it's certainly eerie, and for that alone, not to mention a few other things, I think readers would continue.

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to Steven. However, the man was actually This might just be me, but I don't think you need the however and actually, that's a bit too much, in my opinion. far from looking like a demon. He was dressed in finely garmented, and expensive clothing. Someone would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family. “There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. Jack shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy. I love the bitter mocking antagonist. He's very interesting indeed.

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor.See... to cut down on adjectives I think perhaps you could make your narrator less biased? Why should the narrator feel sorry for the dying man? He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth. Steven was no doublyDo you mean doubtly? I think doubt would work better. going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?”

The elegantly dressed man stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender hand on his chin he pondered his question. “You do not understand why?”

He started to giggle, which lead to full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. Jack's heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes Jack feel both pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before Jack.”

The man than stomped his foot onto Steven's back. He wailed like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “Jack grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”

He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You little lamb have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. You have done whatever you can to make the devil's paper. You have lied, raped the innocent for your amusement, and you have forgotten God. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because Jack shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence the man began to repeatedly jab the knife into Steven's back, till he stopped squirming. Blood squirted out of the cuts and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! Jack has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbor.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”





*How was that! I hope I made the crazy man talk really fancy*

One of which was lying on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood. They were all still connected to him.

The other one was standing besides the man Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

“There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. This one shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.”

He was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man.

The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas

The one lying on the floor was a Mr. Steven Miller.

He was on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold [s]and[/s] hard floor.

Placing his long [s]and[/s] slender hand on his chin, he pondered his question.

He wailed like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother.

Blood squirted out of the cuts and splashed against his pearl white face.

Code: Select all

Without a [u]moment[/u] [s]waste[/s] he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket.

Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! Jack has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbor.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”

He started to giggle, which led to all-out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. Jack's heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes Jack feel both pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before Jack.”