Shepherd's Lamb (working title) Prologue

1, 2, 3

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Sat Feb 14, 2009 11:35 pm

deleted_5 says...

Hellooooooo Maki-chan!! I really like your story. Although it reminds me of a bloody version of Edgar Allen Poe's 'A tell tale heart' with a bit more religion involved. Anywho, let's get this review started!! Now I didn't read the other reviews, (I guess I was too lazy to scroll down and read them all!) so there might be some things that have been already said. So if it sounds familar, blame it on me! Ha ha, just kidding of course! Now, prepare yourself for a very harsh critique! Bwa ha ha ha! :smt077

"In which we meet two men,
the shepherd
and the lamb."

Is this supposed to be like a little preview to what's going to happen? Or is it just a little quote you heard somewhere.

Oh, and I liked the Emmanuel Teney quote. Very nice.

I'd like to draw your attention to the first paragraph.

I really like how you start this out. But I think it would be better to say "Blood spattered against the cement floor in a similar way a paintbrush smudges against a blank canvas." It might spice things up a bit. Or if you keep it the same way, make sure to add a comma after floor, otherwise you'll have a run on sentence and we certainly don't want that!
I like the imagery you use to show the two men in the basement. The organ part is quite interesting. It has a lot of detail but is it necessary for you to say that they are still connected to the man? I understand if it is of course.

The other one was standing besides the man Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

I didn't really understand this part Are you talking about the other man? You might want to reword it so people can understand it a little better. Also, you should probably use a lowercase g and put a comma after man.

The man lying on the floor began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.

Wouldn't the man be shaking anyway. You know, he's on the verge of death. So he shouldn't start being afraid of seeing the knife when he's already dying. And I would think that the wounded man would be gasping for breath instead of stuttering. Because when you have most of your organs ripped out and and about to die, you're trying to keep breathing, not using up your breath with stutters. At least, that's what I think.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

Ha ha, the man is chocking on his on blood. I think you mean choking An simple mistake though.

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to him.

What the hell is going on here? The dying man is looking at the murderer, but is it a changeling or something? I really didn't understand this. I mean, I know who you're talking about, but I don't get what you mean. You might want to go over this and just see how it flows.
I really like how you describe the murderer though. It really tells the difference between the victim and the murderer.

His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy.

Okay, once again confusing.

He whaled like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother.

I belive here you mean wailed. Just make sure you check your spelling.

Without a moment waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket.

Once again, check your spelling. Handkerchief is spelled like so. Spelling is vital to writing a good story.

Overall I thought your story was very good. You did an excellent job on it. Just make sure you knock out all the kinks. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but there were some things that just needed to be fixed. Don't worry though, I've given worse. I can't wait to see the next part in your story. PM me when you post the next part or if you need any help. I really like this and I think you are a brillian writer. Bravo!

Lucy Pennykettle

Last edited by deleted_5 on Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. I also hate being on television, I hate it as much as people hate chocolate. But they always want chocolate.

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Sun Feb 15, 2009 5:13 pm

beckiw says...

Hey, here as requested

Well you already have an awful lot of reviews so there is probably not much point in me being here, as everyone has probably told you what is wrong with this piece. However you asked me to review and review I shall but it'll probably short

Personally horror is not my thing, I don't like horror movies or horror books lol but I'll try my best.

It really reminded me of Saw. I know I said I don't like horror films but my boyfriend does and has made me watch Saw. The fact that the murderer kept talking about how the victim had sinned and stuff like that, just reminded me of Saw a lot.

The repetition of man in the beginning really grated on me. It was like this man did this then that man did that, and it just continued on like that. I know it is difficult because you are obviously trying not to give either one a name and be mysterious but it just really annoyed me. It was also quite confusing for me, I had to keep re-reading to figure out which man you were talking about. Perhaps you could call the man on the floor the victim or describe the murderer sooner.

The murderers dialogue also got on my nerves a bit a bit too long and complicated and I didn't like the whole 'this one' that he keeps calling himself. Perhaps you can try and change that up a bit like how other reviewers have suggested.

I didn't like the ending as well. It was like you had described the part you wanted to describe and then just gave up. Perhaps you can have him consider the victim for a moment or two longer. Perhaps he has a certain ritual after he has murdered that gets interrupted by the new neighbours moving in van or something like. Just something so it doesn't immediately cut off after all this in depth description.

I did like the description though, very gory lol and it fits the piece well. You have a nice style also and I think with a few little changes this could turn into a very good opening for a story

If you have any questions feel free to PM.

Bex x

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Mon Feb 16, 2009 3:53 am

Antigone Cadmus says...

Sorry for the long wait, Maki-chan!

Review part two:

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor.

Well, we already know he's dying.

Use description instead. Is he gasping for breath? Is his heart beating out the rest of his blood? Description is key in horror.

He was no doubly

Did you mean "no doubtly"?

“My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind.

Change "which" to who.

both feels pity

Remove the s in feels. It should be feel.

great maker, our savior. God.”

Great maker = God

Savior = Jesus

^_^

Overall

The end was very confusing.

You need to use more personal pronouns (names). Since there are two males in this passage, use names. "The victim" or "The murderer" instead of "he, his, he..."

Using "he, his, his, he, him" over and over gets confusing. You forget who was doing the original action.

The using of the word "one" instead of "you" is also very strange. A lot of your grammar gets screwed up because of it.

Hmm... the use of "one" could be good if you made the man even more insane... Have him actually call out to God. As though he is talking to him.

All in all this was good. You just need to make a few changes.

Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85

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Mon Feb 16, 2009 7:29 am

Moriah Leila says...

Okay, so I don't have too much to add to what has already been said. I'd like to suggest you do spell check everything before you post it, because most of the things I noticed was misspelled words or words that were misused (Ex. there when one means to use their). Reread through everything at least twice before you submit it and I think you will catch these mistakes. I think the story is extremely descriptive and I like your plotline. It is very intruiging. Here are just a few corrections:

"In which we meet two men,

the shepherd

and the lamb."

“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.”

-Emmanuel Teney

Someone else had mentioned only using a famous quote, and I think the one by Emmanuel Teney was very relevant to your story, but it is confusing with your meeting of the shepherd and the lamb. If you are going to preface your chapter with a quote you should only do one or the other. Not both, otherwise it is too much.

One of which was lying on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood. They were all still connected to him.

First off, you use too much blood in this sentence. I know it is a murder scene, but instead of having his organs spread across his blood, why don't you have them spread across his torso, or the basement floor even. Second, the way you wrote that his organs were still connected to him just feels too telling. Have them oozing out between flaps of torn muscles in the abdomen. Finally, and I know this sounds twisted but I want more from this scene. You say he smells putrid, but what does that smell like? Describe the scent of blood, of excretement because I'd probably crap/piss myself at this point, describe the sticky blood congealing around his wounds. I want you to use all five senses.

The other one was standing besides the man [insert period] Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

Dude, this guy is dying, there is no escaping this fact. I want this guy sobbing not whimpering. Puppies whimper when they are scolded for peeing on the new carpet. This guy is thinking about his wife, his kids, regrets, things he wished he had done and hadn't done, he should be crying his stinking eyeballs out. Plus, hello, I don't think having my organs everywhere would exactly tickle. Chocking should be choking.

“This one grows weary of your sinful existence.

You use the word existence a lot in this story. I don't like redundancies, its a pet peeve. Theasaurus is our friend, use it, A LOT!!!

“ You little lamb have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because this one before you shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

This is great. Our killer is crazy, he thinks he is serving God by killing the sinful, which means he in turn should kill himself, but that is besides the point. I'm not really sure where you are going with this killer, but my personal opinion is that you should have him kill a sexual offender, someone who has molested a child. Because within us all, there are certain people who commit crimes and we can't help but hate them. In this way, your reader at one point would hate your killer and then the next point, think he might not be so bad, but then they go back to hating him again. Play with your readers inner most emotions, when you can influence your audience like that, that is true talent.

Ending his sentence the man jabbed the butcher knife into the backside of the man’s head.

I'm not quite sure this is realistic, can a butcher knife really pierce through someone's skull? Is a butcher knife sharp enough to go through bone? Perhaps you should have him slice his throat. I feel like your killer is more of a visual killer anyways. He wants to see the look on his victim's face when he kills them. He wants to see the blood spurting out of his victim's arteries. Oh and don't refer to them as victims, perhaps sacrifices is a better word. The only other thing I'd like to add, is that I'd like to get into the "lamb's" head a little more before he dies. I want to see what he is thinking when he is on the edge of death. I think you should do this with all of the "lambs" because this connects your reader to the victim and makes them feel sorry that they are being slaughtered, otherwise it just feels like we are reading a story. Make them real so people are scared at night and wonder if that could really happen, maybe it could even happen to them. Other than that it was BRILLIANT!!

I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.

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Points: 890
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Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:48 am

Arekkusu says...

Hmmm. An exceedingly gory and blood curdling read, which is some thing in the description of me. I liked it. It had varying sentance leangths, and was very descriptive. Could have been more descriptive and clear on who is who. if you gave one of the men a name, like 'it had seemed like a perfectly normal day for Joe Jackson. Until this strange man had managed to get a hold of him.' or some thing like that. it had metaphores and similies, and if it was out, and was all as gory as this, i would buy it. Well done!!

-Arekkusu

I dont help people on work. Then, if it sucks, i don't get blamed. Haha people. Haha

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Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:46 pm

MySunshine says...

Here's my review, just as requested

Sorry it's coming a little late ...

Prologue

"In which we meet two men,
the shepherd
and the lamb."

“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.”
-Emmanuel Teney
Where does the first quote come from? Make that a little clearer

Blood splattered on the cement floor like smugded crimson red paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement, one of them lying on the floor, barely alive. His putrid smelling organs were spread on the floor around him. Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp. The man lying on the floor began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.[ A little logical mistake: I assume that his stomach or something was cut open with a knife, and if he's still alive, it shouldn't surprise him that the other guy has a knife in his hand.]
“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood. [De-capitalize "He" and take out "tried".]

He stared with terrified eyes at the beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to him. However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon. [I don't understand the connection of the last two sentences. Clear that up, for example by saying "Appearing to be a trustworthy man with his expensive clothing, he had the character of a cruel beast". Then you can also leave out the next few sentences until the bad guy speaks. ] He was dressed in finely garmented, and expensive clothing. Someone would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family. “There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. This one shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy.
[Bad Guy freaks me out You do a great job of depicting his (close to non-existing) mental state and his obsessive belief *thumbs up*]

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor. He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth. He was no doubly undoubtedly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?”
[Ah, so Bad Guy isn't human? Interesting! The sentence structure of the first two sentences are a little awkward, though.]

The elegantly dressed man stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender hand on his chin he pondered the question. “You do not understand why?”

He started to giggle, which lead to a full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb that is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. This one’s heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes this one both feel pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb that lies helplessly before this one.”
[Wow, Bad Guy is downright insane I like how you make him talk! ^^]

The man then stomped his foot onto the injured man’s back. He whaled like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “This one grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”

He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You little lamb have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because this one before you shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence the man jabbed the butcher knife into the back of the man's head. Blood squirted out of the cut and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment's waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hankerchief from his jacket's chest pocket. Slowly and gently, he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hankerchief perfectly back into his chest pocket [Rephrase that]. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! This one has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbors.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”

Overall, this was very interesting, although a little too bloody for my well-being

But I liked it anyways.
I thought it was awesome how you depicted Bad Guy as a totally out-of-his-mind religious fanatic who sees himself as something like God's messenger to carry out the retribution.
Especially the last part was ... weird in a great kind of way, because seriously, how can someone slay someone else and then be like "OMG, I forgot I had an appointment" and flutter upstairs?

Okay, back to topic. It doesn't always become clear who exactly you mean when you say "he", except when Bad Guy (you might have noticed that I'm calling him that from now on ^^) talks.
This and some mistakes you made are the only "bad" points of this story. Before posting, make sure you do a spelling check, okay?

Good job - I really liked it!

Keep up the good work and PM me when you upload the next chapter

MySunshine

♥And if you go, I wanna go with you. And if you die, I wanna die with you♥

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Wed Feb 18, 2009 9:56 pm

Logan101 says...

hey
that was an amazing story i loved the way you write its alot better then most of the things on hear. what i liked the most was the first sentnce but i think that you need to edit the story so that the man gives a more.. whats the word? more of a motive you need to strech the story out more a bit the murder needs more of a motive well thats it thanks for posting

with the best of Luck
Logan

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Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:50 am

Mars says...

Hey! Sorry it took me so long to get to this. Um, also, I'm lazy and not reading the above reviews, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

Maki-Chan wrote:The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red Since crimson is a type of red, I don't think you need both - I'd get rid of the red. paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement, one of which was lying on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood We already know his blood is freshly spattered, so this part is a little redundant.. They were all still connected to him. The other one was standing besides the man [s]Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp[/s] The butcher knife in his hand was glinting in the weak light of the sun*. The man lying on the floor began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom made him [s]to[/s] stutter.
“P-please…” He tried to whimper[s]ed[/s], but [s]he[/s] found it quite difficult, especially when he was cho[s]c[/s]king on his own blood.
*I reworded this sentence because it sounded weird, and I think that's because you wrote it in passive voice. Passive voice is okay in small doses, but usually active voice is better, especially in a suspenseful action scene like this one.
He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to him. Um, that's probably how I would describe a garter snake (I hate snakes, xD). How about horrid, dooming, extremely frightening? Because I think the victim would be more concentrating on not dying than he would be concentrating on how dirty the murderer is, you know? However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon. He was dressed in fine[s]ly[/s] garments[s]ed,[/s] and expensive clothing. No need for both fine garments and expensive clothing, as they're the same thing. What about describing the actual garments? Why do they look expensive? Is the murderer annoyed at getting blood on his clothes? [s]Some[/s]One would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family. “There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. This one shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherd[s]ed[/s] god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been as sweet as candy.
I really like the last sentence in this paragraph.
The poor, defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor. He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth. He was [s]no[/s] undoubtedly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this madnospacehereman. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?”

The elegantly dressed man stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender hand on his chin he pondered [s]his question.[/s] (Too many pronouns can get really confusing.) “You do not understand why?”

He started to giggle, which le[s]a[/s]d to full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within [s]a[/s] the maze of its own troubled mind. This one’s heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes this one both feels pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before this one.”

The man than stomped his foot onto the injured man’s back. He whaled like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “This one grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know Knowledge you wish to know sounds odd; to repetitive. You could say knowledge you wish to have or something. before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”

He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You, little lamb, have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human I thought the murderer was referring to the victim as a lamb. I think it would be cool if this metaphor were consistent...like you, you animal, are inferior to me, the human. sins. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because this one before you shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence, the man jabbed the butcher knife into the backside The word backside makes me think of a bum. (Tee hee.) Maybe change that? Even just back would work better. of the man’s head. Blood squirted out of the cut and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a [s]hanker chief[/s] handkerchief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! This one has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbors.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”

*How was that! I hope I made the crazy man talk really fancy!*

Ooh, good job. I can't wait for this to continue.

[b]Disclaimer. I did a lot of rewording. Like, a lot. Those are all my suggestions - except the grammar, that does need to be changed - so don't be offended/sad, because a lot of it is subjective. But I do think it would help you to read back over this a few times and really say the words out loud and see how they sound. It always helps me, at least, and that way it will run more smoothly and you'll get a better idea of the tone.

Pronouns. Um, so there were a lot of pronouns in this. In fact, we know no names - not the victim or the madman. And I do like keeping the madman a mystery, and then, of course, introducing him later on. However, the pronouns are REALLY confusing and it distracts from the story when the reader has to keep going, wait, which one is this again? You could introduce us to the victim - Poor Frank was collecting his newspaper when suddenly... Or just tell us his name, or whatever. Or, if you really don't want to give up any names, I suggest changing the gender of the victim, so that we'll automatically know that the he is the madman and the she is the vic.

Emotions. I didn't get scared reading this. I should have, considering what was happening, but I didn't, because you never gave us enough of an peek into the victim's head. If I were lying in some crazy guy's basement with my organs spilling out, I'd be paralyzed with fear and pain, praying to God, screaming, whatever. And this victim is like, oh, look, my blood is on the walls. Hey, the crazy dude's clothes are really nice. You know? And it's just really hard to take the scene seriously when the character doesn't. So I think you should let us know more of what's going on in Frank (or whoever's) head.

Dialogue. I liked it, nice job.

Right, that's finished. This has so much potential for an ongoing story, I really hope you'll continue. It just needs some revision, some more thought, and then it will be really really excellent. And creepy! With a subject like this, it has to be really creepy.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

-Mars

'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats

critiques // nano

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Fri Feb 20, 2009 3:57 pm

KailaMarie says...

Sorry this took sort of a while, I've been really busy lately, but I finally found some time.

The other one was standing besides the man Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp.

Good imagery in the first paragraph, but I think "glinting" should be lower case.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

Did you mean "tried to whimper"? And the "h" in he should be lower case, and I would rephrase that sentence. It feels too wordy. Maybe say something like "he tried to whimper, which was difficult since he was choking on his own blood." Or something like that.

“There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. This one shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy.

I think "God" needs to be capitalized, and I like the sentence after. I would suggest making that a new paragraph, though.

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor.

Not to be nit picky, but I would take out the and. I think it reads easier, but that's really your choice there.

He was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man.

Did you mean "doubtly"?

“My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. This one’s heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes this one both feels pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before this one.”

I love this part. It was chilling. But I think "feels" should be "feel".

So if it is knowledge you wish to know

This feels repetitive. I would change it to something like "If you really wish to know the reason" or something like that. But knowledge is known, we don't have to be told that.

Oh, I loved the ending sentence. Very cool.

Plot:
Interesting, with the whole psycho religious guy, and I liked the way it started like already into it. I wish the murderer had been more specific when he was talking about why he was killing the man, though. Because he was being greedy, but what had he done that was greedy? I feel like there should have been more to that. Maybe even if the man who was killing the guy had a flshback to when he saw what the other guy was doing wrong.

There are a lot of questions left up in the air. That might be your intention, and I'm not sure if you were considering going on with this to answer some of them. Like, how did the guy get the other man down into his basement? Why that guy? Is he always talking that creepy, and if so, do people notice? Why does he have to go meet neighbors? Did he just move into a new house? Why did he move? Things like that. I'm very curious.

Characters:
Again, I'd like to know more of why the guy dying was such a sinner. I sort of feel like the guy who was killing the other one should have a background, like figure out why he feels like its his job to kill sinners. Why doesn't he just try to convert them? Was he always like this? Right now, he sort of feels like a paper cut out. Try to develope his personality better.

Overall:
Very good idea, it's origional and creepy. Haha. You did it very well, though. Good job! -thumbs up-

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Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:22 am

Hannah says...

I'm sorry that this review comes so late. >_< Life kind of caught up to me. Anyways, I see you have MANY other reviews, so I apologize if I repeat something that's already been mentioned, but I'm not going to look at the other reviews, just your work. ^_^

Prologue

"In which we meet two men,

the shepherd

and the lamb."

“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.”

-Emmanuel Teney

Alright. I like these fancy ways of starting off sections, right? I mean, I think they're cute and sometimes useful, but I think you overload us with TWO different little previews. I'd recommend taking out the quote. First of all, think about it. It's your writing, right? I'm sure that, through your writing, you should be able to portray the message of the quote without needing the quote. Secondly, if 'in which we meet two men...' is describing the prologue, you might want to show it like this:

Prologue
In which we meet two men: the shepherd and the lamb.

Or something like that. ^_^

This one has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbors.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”

Hmm, after reading through it, these two lines seem out of character for the murderer-person. I mean, wasn't he talking about saving the 'lamb', reuniting it with his 'savior'? You should probably choose one opinion for the murderer-guy to hold. ^_^ Also, I don't know if you'd really want him to come out and say he's a murderer. It seems like he obviously thinks he's doing something beneficial and not murdering for the sake of murdering, right? ^_^

I'm not going to point out nit-picks today, because I'm sure other critiques have done that AND I believe that is your responsibility as the writer to go through and catch. -nod- Well, that has become my opinion lately. xD ~

Anyways, the only other thing that bothered me was the murderer's use of 'this one' to refer to himself. I feel like I've seen it done before which leaves me rather dissatisfied with this story. =P I mean, it might be something you're super attached to, in which case you should keep it, but otherwise I think it just makes the dialogue even more confusing. Sure, you want the murderer to sound impressive, but he can't sound impressive without making sense. ^_^

As for the plot overall, it's creepy and intriguing, but I'd like to see where you take it.

Good work. C:

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Mon Feb 23, 2009 5:18 pm

Maki-Chan says...

AW! *head explodes* I am sick for three days and this is what happens! So many reviews v_v I am happy, but a little bit overwhelmed. I will give a general read over everything and edit some key stuff that was mentioned!
Like the confusion of who is who. I will give the victim a name! *Gasp*
The next thing I will do is clean up the killing part. Instead of jabbing the butcher knife into his head *I am not sure if it even works* I will either just slice his throat or just stab and stab like it's the end of the world.

The next chapter is almost finished! I hope everyone will like it ^_^

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http://maki121.deviantart.com/

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Wed Feb 25, 2009 3:51 am

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Maki-Chan says...

I have posted more!

topic44230.html

check out my deviantart account ^_^
http://maki121.deviantart.com/

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Wed Feb 25, 2009 8:55 am

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Nutty says...

The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas.

Okay, you have a lot of describing words. You've described almost every object. Cement floor. Crimson red paint. Blank canvas.
In one sentence, especially the first sentence, this is, in my opinion, a little much. You can describe it all, but I would suggest you let it run into a few sentences. Also, paintbrushes don't splatter paint, unless you do that flicky thing with your fingernail, and then it wouldn't smudge. So I can't tell what it's supposed to look like.
Did you have the scene in your head as you wrote? I find that doing that, your descriptions turn out more effective then if you just think of it in words.

The one lying on the floor was a Mr. Steven Miller. He was on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood.

You're repeating yourself. Try to avoid this, unless you're doing it for impact, and then be sure that it is adding to the scene, not subtracting from it. Omit 'he was on the floor with' and shove 'were' after 'organs'.

They were all still connected to him.

Uh, what? If this is here to show he is still alive, I think you should do that more clearly. When I first read it I was thinking "Why do I need to know a detail like this?" It subtracted from the tension you are seeking.

“P-please…” He tried whimpered,

Please proof read your story. The problem here is rather obvious.

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to Steven. However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon.

Hrmm, this is rather...clumsy, I think.
For starters, take away the 'in fact'. It has that horrible 'Nursery Rhyme' narration feel to it.
The however part, take away 'the man was far from looking like a demon', just describe him. This little part is unnecessary, and somewhat confusing the first time I read this section. It overcomplicates your description.

Ending his sentence the man began to repeatedly jab the knife into Steven's back, till he stopped squirming.

This is kind of an anticlimax. It's pure tell, and has little impact. It's just an action, even if it is a shocking one. Try describing it.

Jack talked fancy, yes, but anyone would be like 0.o why are you speaking about yourself in third person? Just a thought.

As it is, I think this could do with a little refining, and a little more work on your descriptions. Remember, you may be writing down words, but what you are really aiming for is an image in your reader's head. So visualize your scenes, actions, characters, even dialogue, and write as you see/hear/smell/feel/taste them. Try to look past the words on the page.
Good work, however. It has an interesting concept.

-Nutty

It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.

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Thu Feb 26, 2009 4:03 pm

Angels-Symphony says...

Maki-Chan wrote:WARNING! Some of this may contain graphic or obscure things that may not be suitable for children.

Prologue

"In which we meet two men, the shepherd and a lamb."

“Murder is not the crime of criminals, but that of law-abiding citizens.”
-Emmanuel Teney

The blood splattered against the cement floor like a paintbrush smudging crimson red paint against a blank canvas. Two men were in the small basement. The one lying on the floor was a Mr. Steven Miller. He was on the floor with his bloody and putrid smelling organs partially spread across his freshly spattered blood. They were all still connected to him. The other one was standing besides <---( beside) the man. Glinting in the weak light of the basement was a butcher knife in his grasp. Steven began to shake when he saw it. The thought of his impending doom caused him to stutter.
“P-please…” He tried whimpered, but he found it quite difficult, especially when he was chocking on his own blood.

He stared with terrified eyes at the horrific beast before him. In fact, the man holding the butcher knife was nothing more than a disgusting, filthy, and ugly creature to Steven. However, the man was actually far from looking like a demon. He was dressed in finely garmented, and expensive clothing. Someone would have expected him to come from an elegant party of a rich noble family. “There, there. Everything is well, be at ease. Jack shall lay down your suffering existence so yet another lost lamb can be reunited with the shepherded god.” His tone was calm and melodious; if the man weren’t holding a bloody butcher knife his words would have been sweet as candy.

The poor defenseless man was dying on the cold and hard floor. He tried to crawl away, but he knew the truth. Steven was no doubly going to have his pathetic existence ended by this mad man. Slowly he looked over at the inhuman creature positioned besides him. “W-why?”

The elegantly dressed man stared at him, slightly baffled at his query. Placing his long and slender hand on his chin he pondered his question. “You do not understand why?”

He started to giggle, which lead to full out maniacal laughter. “My, my. Poor lamb, which is surely lost within a maze of its own troubled mind. Jack's heart has become filled with amusement and mirth. The thought of the lamb’s ignorance towards its crimes makes Jack feel both pity and frustration towards that foolish lamb, which lies helplessly before Jack.”

The man than stomped his foot onto Steven's back. He wailed like a newborn infant, powerless and dependent on its mother. “Jack grows weary of your sinful existence. So if it is knowledge you wish to know before seeing the golden gates to be judged, then very well. This one is both your judge, and your executioner. You, little lamb, have sinned against the great maker, our savior. God.”

He locked his fingers together and stretched his arms, making his back pop. “ You little lamb have lost your innocent white wool, and have obtained a tainted black one. Filled with greed, one of the worst human sins. You have done whatever you can to make the devil's paper. You have lied, raped the innocent for your amusement, and you have forgotten God. It is now time for you to pray and hope that God will forgive you, because Jack shall show you nothing but the fury of God’s justice.”

Ending his sentence the man began to repeatedly jab the knife into Steven's back, till he stopped squirming. Blood squirted out of the cuts and splashed against his pearl white face. Without a moment waste he stood back up in his proper form, and took out a hanker chief from his black formal jacket chest pocket. Slowly and gently he rubbed the blood from his face. After all the blood was gone, he folded the hanker chief perfectly back into his chest pocket. Gasping, the man noticed the time on his wristwatch. “Oh, it’s past noon! Jack has wasted too much time on slaying a lamb. It is almost time to welcome the new neighbor.”

He hastily bounded towards the stairs, and sighed. “Murder is terribly exhausting for a man with a busy schedule.”

*How was that! I hope I made the crazy man talk really fancy!*

I have to agree with Evi, Nutty-Senpai, and everyone else about this. Nutty was right and dead on about the first sentence. It makes the readers think your story is only about quantity, not quality. I definitely did no see any quality going on in that first sentence, and I really don't want to read more, but I'll give it another chance. Remember not to sound too elaborate. Remember it's not about saying something small in a lot of words, it's about saying something big in a few words. That's writing. Putting so much into a few words. Be brief, blunt. Only use what's necessary to create the world your characters are in.

Okay, I moved on to the second paragraph, and I'm afraid I'll have to sum up your review to this:

Show, don't tell. What are "terrified eyes" anyway? Animate the picture rather than expect us to know what terrified anything looks like! You use way too many adjectives. Your sentences are either too direct and just tell the reader, or it's just too packed full of adjectives. With all those huge words, I could not focus on your story, which might be pretty good if readers weren't so distracted by the surplus amount of adjectives.

Don't take this as a negative, Maki. Take this as a way to learn from your mistakes. You just may have a good idea here, but you need to refine what you say before you show this to us to read for the real plot of your story. A lot of reviewers on YWS will review anything to be helpful, but I only completely read pieces that I think have potential, I am interested in, or somehow follow the rules of writing and just needs a better way to express ideas. So get in you Zone, Maki! Don't look up all those words just because you think it makes you sound more interesting.

Keep writing, and I'm sure you'll improve

You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.

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Thu Feb 26, 2009 4:29 pm

Maki-Chan says...

There are some things that I do agree with angel. I need to make this much better, like you said 'quality over quantity" and I agree. I am glad that you told what you thought, and it'll help a lot. I am trying my best to re-write this, including chapter one. wish me luck ^_^

Thanks for the review!

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