Young Writers Society

If you are reading this sentence right now, you have been devoted to the Three Troops all the way from the start! I thank you Enjoy the fourth chapter of this legacy!


August 9th 1963, 1800 Hours
We stepped in the stone door as they began to slide it back into place. The hinges, made of granite, groaned slightly. When Ben, James, and I looked around, we were astonished to see that the shelter had been dominated by almost 50 American soldiers!

They were just walking around, having a good time, talking to friends. They acted as if it were a big party, especially because a few were drinking a pint of beer! These guys had music playing and they were dancing to it! People were chanting them on and booing them off sometimes.
"Is it always this loud and crazy?!" I asked, surprised, at the guard, who was standing by the stone door.
"You shouldn't worry." he replied calmly.
"WHY NOT?!?!"
"This stone door is %100 sound proof. We tested it ourselves."
"Oh."
"Wanna know how we tested it?" he asked me, with a big smile on his face.
"Sure..."

He motioned me to follow him just a few paces to his left. He pointed at the ground, and there, I saw a bullet casing and a small dent in the dirt floor.
"We shot an M16 round into the ground and we heard no sound, and WOW I need to stop rhyming!" he said.
I slowly backed away and he turned back to his guard post. I walked over to the radio to change the station and James came running up to me.
"Hey Sarge, you might want to see this." he said with wide eyes and a shaky voice. He was not smiling and his face was pale.
I followed him quickly, my stomach turning over. Let's hope it isn't a problem with Ben.

We stepped into a small room lit by only a few candles. Lying in bed was a wounded soldier. His leg had a large chunk missing. As I got closer to the victim's face, I noticed that he a had a small golden necklace on. Where have I seen that before? I know it means something important or belongs to someone I know, but WHO?
When I looked into my brother Jack's eyes, he had not looked back. His eyes were fixed and a small drop of blood was slowly trickling down his cheek. My stomach flipped over again and my face was drained. My eyes began to well up and I began to wail. I had lost my brother. After so long, I wanted to see him again. I just didn't want to see him... like this.

The horror was too great for me to bear and I ran out of the room, rubbing my eyes with my dirty sleeve.
I went up to the guard again and asked for a bed.
"Aw, what's wrong?" he said, scaring me with how nice he was.
"I just lost my brother... I loved him so much." I cried.
"Welcome to Vietnam!" he said, his arms crossed and a half-smile on his face.
I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.
The guard pointed me toward a small unused room to my left. He walked me there, his arm around my shoulder.
"Thank you. I am so glad you are here." I sniffed.
"No problem." he smiled.

My mind had been taken off the war. Sooner or later I had to leave this place.
To be Continued...

Hey there.

Alright, so I congratulate you for getting this far and still having a pretty decent plot going. However, there are still ares in which you can improve on. Let's start with the storyline first and then go into writing and end with the overall thoughts on this.

For the plot line, I feel like it's going along fine but again, there are still many details missing. You have to slow down with the pace, that's possibly the first thing I would recommend. Right now, the scenes are flying by with ever snap of your fingers and that gives us less time to get to know important facts. Don't take things like characterization, emotions and settings lightly. Don't forget your descriptions as well. Now, this doesn't mean you have to stuff it with heavy prose but give us some more descriptions when it comes to important things that mean something to the plot or the characters.

As for the writing itself, I've explained already that you need to slow down the pace and add some description. I can see the gradual improvement in every chapter that you post though, keep up the good work with that. Remember to bring your characters out more and make them more 3-D. By chapter four, we should have a pretty clear understanding of what kind of person your protagonist is and also what kind of people his friends are. Right now, I'm still confused with the characters...

Also, I do have one little nitpicking concerning the death of his brother. His friend, who tries to comfort him, why would he say 'welcome to Vietnam' in that situation and even give a half smile. Death is already something quite difficult to take in, someone who died in a war, I think, deserves some more respect then that. In fact, I didn't find it much comforting at all. I wouldn't even thank him, he didn't even seem like he really cared all that much either.
This is also where emotion would come in. We barely knew anything about the brother so when you suddenly make him die, we don't feel any sadness or any pity for the MC.

Overall, there are still places that need some more work but if you are able to rewrite this with more emotion and details, I think it'd make a pretty good War story. Keep up the work and if you have any questions PM me about them.

All the best,
-Pink

I said thank you because he pointed me to my room.
He had helped me out in my stay at the HQ.
I also understand the pace issue. This is my first actual novel, so go easy.
Sorry that I can't really be the best out of everyone, but I tried my hardest.