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Young Writers Society


Dark Skies (Prologue)



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Sun Dec 19, 2010 5:34 am
wolfcub25 says...



Whimpering like a frightened puppy Skye shrank before her step father as he lashed out, catching her on the side of her face. "How dare you!" he roared, his words slurring his eyes, bloodshot and sunken into his red face. He unleashed his drunken fury yelling "How dare you talk to me like an ungrateful little bitch!"
"I didn't" Skye sobbed.
"What did you say?" he asked pulling her off the floor by her hair and shaking her like a rag doll, "Don't answer back!" he spat throwing her onto the ground. She lay in a crumpled heap on the floor blood dripping from her nose and mixing with her tears in a small puddle around her hand staining the white carpet.
"Paul what have you done?" Tara screamed as she ran into the room after coming home from the super market and responding to Skye's cries. She bent down and gently picked up Skye's battered body. Cradling her close she walked from the room and down the hall crying softly into Skye's mattered hair, she quickly stuffed a bag full of a few clothes and other items.
"Justin....Jay?" She called down the hall.
"Yeah. What?" he replied. Looking at her face as he nervously stuck his head out the door his wet eyes searching for Paul. He had been hiding under the bedcovers his hand over his ears as Skye screamed outside his room.
"Pack a bag with a few sets of clothes Hun, we're going on a little trip" Tara said, crying again as she saw the large purple bruise on Justin’s cheek where Paul had hit him. He had tried to intervene and stop Paul from hurting her any more. Shouldering her bag and carrying Skye she walked from the house with Justin running after her his bag slung over one shoulder avoiding Paul as much as possible.
"Tara....Tara, where are you going baby" Paul slurred, smiling and pushing the door open.
"We're going away!" She yelled slamming the car door, after putting Skye in her booster seat.
"No, Tara you can't, you’re not taking my children Tara" Paul yelled his anger flaring up like wild fire. He rushed down the front stairs almost tripping over in his awkwardness.
"They’re not your children!" Tara shouted. Tears streaking her face, she made her way to the driver’s door.
"No you can't take them, I want them here. Tara don’t leave me”
“Paul. I am and I’m taking them with me. You’re not the man I used to know anymore you’re just a drunken idiot” Tara cried opening the car door. With a sluggish movement Paul drew a hand gun from his belt and despite his many drinks his aim was deadly at close range. Skye recoiled in fright as the gunshot sounded, echoing in the hills. Watching in horror she saw her mother slump against the car then fall to the ground moaning in pain.
“Sorry honey. You gave me no choice” He growled under his breath, dragging Tara away from the car leaving her behind a tree. Jumping into the car he started the engine then roared out of the driveway wheels skidding and squealing in protest. Zigzagging down the road he just managed to stay on the right side. Justin was shaken and frightened as he leant over and gave Skye a hug and a reassuring smile trying to be strong for his little sister. Looking into her terrified eyes he didn’t know what else to do, but wipe away the blood and tears off her face with his sleeve. He gave her another hug then stared hopelessly out the window wondering what would happen to them.

  

They had switched cars before leaving town and were now travelling in an old white pickup truck that wouldn’t stand out as much as Tara’s blue Ford Falcon. The police were no doubt searching for and would probably never find. Paul had traded it with a friend that would give it a makeover so it couldn’t be traced and sell it on.
Skye woke up with a jolt as headlights flashed past her, turning she noticed Justin watching her, "You alright" he asked quietly "You fell asleep after the first hour.”
Skye nodded, grateful for her ten year old brother, she herself was three years younger and didn’t fully understand what was going on. Paul suddenly swerved into a petrol station. Skye was thrown into her door the seatbelt digging painfully into her chest.
For Paul the many drinks were wearing off and being replaced by a pounding headache and nausea. He looked back at the kids in the back seat then stepped out of the car, vomiting on the concrete. He walked unsteadily into the shop and began to look for some aspirin or panadol. Justin sat in silence for a few minutes then whispered slowly unbuckling his seatbelt, "I'll be back, Ok"
"Where are you going?" Skye said confused, fear making her voice shake.
"I don't know I’ll go get help but I'll come back for you, I promise" he answered, climbing out of the car. He ran across the road and vanished into the trees, the darkness swallowing him whole.
Meanwhile Paul had suddenly noticed a small TV behind the counter that the cashier was intently watching. Paul stood still as he saw his house on the screen and a small picture of him and the kids in the corner. Police lights reflected in the windows. His next door neighbour stood outside talking to the news reporter he moved closer to hear what he said,
"I heard shouting and doors slamming" He told them "Then a gunshot...."
Paul managed to walk calmly out of the shop. The man at the counter didn’t even look up as he pocketed a box of aspirin. Pulling his hood over his head he kept his head down till he reached the car. Wrenching the door open he jumped in and banged it shut as he started the car and drove out of the petrol station. Skye’s tears spilled down her cheeks as she watched the trees where Justin had gone until it went out of sight. Paul didn’t even care that Justin was gone.

  

Roughly shaken awake Skye saw her step father’s once handsome face looming over her, his eyes dark and threatening as he reached in and covered her mouth, his hand was so big it covered her eyes as well.
“Where are we going?” She whispered just curious of where he was taking her.
“Shut up” Paul snarled, carrying her into a small scruffy room that had dirty cream flower wallpaper peeling off the walls and spider webs dangling across the ceiling. There was a thin mattress and a chest of brown, beaten up drawers pushed into one corner. Paul threw her roughly onto the mattress and she immediately buried her face in the stained pillow, ignoring the strong musty smell, trying to hide her sobbing. He slammed the door shut making the grimy window rattle in its frame. She heard the sound of a key rasping in the lock, a quick check of the handle then footsteps walking away and down the stairs. Rubbing her eyes she got up and wandered over to the window, staring out into the night. It had begun to rain, the droplets spattering on her window, obscuring the outside garden even more.

A few minutes later she lifted her head as footsteps made their way up the stairs outside her door. They weren't heavy enough to be Paul's and a lot quicker too. She sat on the edge of the mattress as the door was unlocked and pushed open by a tall girl who was maybe in her late 20’S carrying a tray with bread and a cup of milk. After placing the tray on the drawers she walked out not even glancing at Skye who watched her leave, confusion in her eyes, before gazing at the food. She was ravenously hungry but the cries of her mother still rang loudly in her ears and she was too troubled to eat.
Lying on her back she stared at the ceiling before drifting off in to a restless sleep, gunshots echoing through her dreams and wondering if her brother would be home the next day.
Last edited by wolfcub25 on Thu Dec 23, 2010 5:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Sun Dec 19, 2010 5:50 am
wonderland says...



Alright, so, that ws confusing, very confusing

Whimpering like a frightened puppy Skye shrank before her step father as he lashed out, catching her on the side of her face. "How dare you!" he roared, his words slurring his eyes, bloodshot and sunken into his red face. He unleashed his drunken fury yelling "How dare you talk to me like an ungrateful little bitch!" "I didn't" Skye sobbed. "What did you say?" he asked pulling her off the floor by her hair and shaking her like a rag doll. "Don't answer back!" he spat throwing her onto the ground. She lay in a crumpled heap on the floor blood dripping from her nose and mixing with her tears in a small puddle around her hand staining the white carpet. "Paul what have you done?" Tara screamed as she ran into the room after coming home from the super market and responding to Skye's cries. She bent down and gently picked up Skye's battered body. Cradling her close she walked from the room and down the hall crying softly into Skye's mattered hair, she quickly stuffed a bag full of a few clothes and other items. "Justin....Jay?" She called down the hall. "Yeah. What?" he replied. Looking at her face as he nervously stuck his head out the door his wet eyes searching for Paul. He had been hiding under the bedcovers his hand over his ears as Skye screamed outside his room.
"Pack a bag with a few sets of clothes Hun, we're going on a little trip" Tara said, crying again as she saw the large purple bruise on Justin’s cheek where Paul had hit him. He had tried to intervene and stop Paul from hurting her any more. Shouldering her bag and carrying Skye she walked from the house with Justin running after her his bag slung over one shoulder avoiding Paul as much as possible.
"Tara....Tara, where are you going baby" Paul slurred, smiling and pushing the door open. "We're going away!" She yelled slamming the car door, after putting Skye in her booster seat. "No, Tara you can't, you’re not taking my children Tara" Paul yelled his anger flaring up like wild fire. He rushed down the front stairs almost tripping over in his awkwardness. "They’re not your children!" Tara shouted. Tears streaking her face, she made her way to the driver’s door. "No you can't take them, I want them here. Tara don’t leave me” “Paul. I am and I’m taking them with me. You’re not the man I used to know anymore you’re just a drunken idiot” Tara cried opening the car door. With a sluggish movement Paul drew a hand gun from his belt and despite his many drinks his aim was deadly at close range. Skye recoiled in fright as the gunshot sounded, echoing in the hills. Watching in horror she saw her mother slump against the car then fall to the ground moaning in pain. “Sorry honey. You gave me no choice” He growled under his breath, dragging Tara away from the car leaving her behind a tree. Jumping into the car he started the engine then roared out of the driveway wheels skidding and squealing in protest. Zigzagging down the road he just managed to stay on the right side. Justin was shaken and frightened as he leant over and gave Skye a hug and a reassuring smile trying to be strong for his little sister. Looking into her terrified eyes he didn’t know what else to do, but wipe away the blood and tears off her face with his sleeve. He gave her another hug then stared hopelessly out the window wondering what would happen to them.


What just happened?
You introduce people too fast, mast things move to fast. Slow down, way down, and add emotion to the piece.
This whole piece just left me confused.

On a another note, you miss commas in places, and you need to start a new paragraph with speech.

Thats it
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*
  





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Sun Dec 19, 2010 11:10 pm
wolfcub25 says...



Ok, thanks for the comment. I know it sounds more like just a creative writing than a novel. But I'm new at it and I appreciate any opinions
Any suggestions on how to slow down the beginning? I realise I dive into the story quickly

Thanks.
  





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Tue Dec 21, 2010 2:31 pm
Darkehthewriter says...



Good start, especially with introducing how the character's family relationship is, but there are a few things you could fix.

-You came on just a bit too strong and a bit too swiftly for the beginning. I would say adding a bit of filler between the main action parts and telling.
-More paragraphs so it doesn't become a nuisance to the reader's eyes. I would advise adding a paragraph every time a new character speaks or whenever a character makes an action (ex: Sasha swiftly moved over beside Luke.)
-Details are needed greatly; I'm finding it rather hard to imagine the actual story in my head like a movie. If you were add details about what room they were in, the items, or the colours of the room. You might need to add some details of what the characters look like also so that it can help readers get a better visual of the story.

I hope that you find these tips helpful but overall it was a good start; if you were to fix these things than the story would turn out to be a very great story.
"My name is not Cat Hair, it's Cathair!" -Cathair to Apollo about his name
  





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Points: 1040
Reviews: 3
Tue Dec 21, 2010 9:07 pm
wolfcub25 says...



Thank you very much for the tips and I will be sure to follow them and add details to the piece. I think when I wrote this I knew what I wanted to write but rushed it and just put everything down.
When I pasted it onto the site to post it it came out strangly as it was in word document format and I didn't take the time to sort it out before saving it. So yes sorry about that.

Thanks again.

-wolfcub25
  








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