Escaping the Whisper Prolouge

Chapter One is up. Please Check it Out.

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I was running from someone or something. I had long forgotten what. The tunnel was long, with slimy green walls, ghostly lights and murky water on the floor. Shadows flickered off the dimly lit walls, one figure standing out in particular. I suddenly heard a teasing yell.

“Oh Bree! Come on, I won’t hurt you! You know I love Tag! Come on Bree! I‘m gonna catch ya” the figure yelled in sadistic delight.

I continued running but the figure was gaining on me. I trpped over the rope of a small boat. Falling behind it, I breathed deeply, trying to lower my heart beat which was rapidly rising. It was silent for a few minutes before a shriek filled the air.

“Bree! Help! Bree, You can’t leave me like this!! Bree!! BREE!! HELP ME PLE-” my sister screamed, before a gun was shot and my sister fell with a thud.

“It’s all your fault Bree. You didn’t save her. You could have saved your little sister. It’s all your fault Bree” the figure whispered.

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Really good you should keep going. I would like to hear more of it.....I like playing tag too

I really want to know what happens. Good job with this. I love the dramatic feel.

jasminebells wrote:I was running from someone or something.

I'm big on opening lines. You really want it to jump out at the reader and be like 'Read me!' This isn't bad, but I think it could be better. It's intriguing because the reader wants to know what is being run away from, but it's kind of like 'how can she not know what's she's running from'. I think I would combine the first two sentences.
'I was running from someone or something but I had long forgotten what.'
Personally, I think it adds more of a punch or flair.

jasminebells wrote: Shadows flickered off the dimly lit walls, one figure standing out in particular.

If she's running, how is she supposed to recognize a shadowy figure? Unless it's further down the tunnel, I don't think she's going to really register that there is a figure, let alone one she recognizes.

jasminebells wrote: “Oh Bree! Come on, I won’t hurt you! You know I love Tag! Come on Bree! I‘m gonna catch ya” the figure yelled in sadistic delight.

I really liked the 'sadistic delight'. Without it, it could be anyone, and it just adds such a creepy edge. Now we know who's she's running from I'm assuming.

jasminebells wrote:I trpped over the rope

Probably just a typo, but you forgot the 'i' in 'tripped'.

It's definitely creepy, but I'm slightly confused.
The image I got when you described where she was, was that she was in a narrow tunnel like underground. I liked the introduction of the 'sadistic delight' character but after that everything moved kind of fast for me.
All of a sudden there was a rope and a boat and her sister. Where did all of this come from?
Unless this is going to be developed in the first or second chapter, I would develop the ending a little more.
Other than that, I think you've got a good start here

-Carly

Hmmm, definitely interesting, and slightly creepy. What I want to suggest to you, and I noticed you do this with pretty much all your stories, is when you want to separate a part you put a huge line of these- ~~~~. So I just want to point out that if you want to do that a few asterisks work just as well, in my opinion better.

Hiya! You caught my attention, though the way this is written annoys me. Don't take it personally, I just am very strict about caps and punctuation.

So one, the caps in your writing and the multiple exclamation marks. They are a clear indication that you are not a professional writer (no one is on this site, but it would be nice if more 'writers' acted like they were). How often do you see books where there are three or four exclamation marks after one sentence? You don't have it here, but you have two, and I can easily see you adding more. The caps are also an issue with me. That entire dialogue just seems like it came from Facebook or something.

Two, your lack of knowledge of how to enter dialogue into your story. Let me give you an example:

“Oh Bree! Come on, I won’t hurt you! You know I love Tag! Come on Bree! I‘m gonna catch ya” the figure yelled in sadistic delight.

You cannot just exit dialogue without punctuation. It doesn't work like that. You need to enter it like this:
"Oh Bree! Come on, I won't hurt you! You know I love Tag! Come on Bree! I'm gonna catch ya," the figure yelled in sadistic delight.

When you are talking about how the person is saying something:
"I don't know," he said.
You must have a comma.

If you aren't, you must have a period:
"I don't know." He looked at me with menacing eyes.

Do you get it? I hope I helped a little... If you have any more questions on this, PM me, please.

Overall, you intrigued me with this. Just the way it was written turns me off. I might go review the next part. I just feel like I'll get stuck doing nitpicks the entire time.

Keep writing!

Classy

Hi
So long you have been reviewing me but now it's my chance.
Well,there wasn't much in the prologue but has really aroused my curiosity of the plot.I am going to read more.This was little bit confusing for me like who's running after the narrator,is it ths sister or someone else? sorry,if it doesn't make sense.Beautiful narration it is.

This was interesting, and slightly creepy.

I loved the "sadistic delight" part because it gave the character such a creepy edge.

Anyway, good work!

I'm starting to like your writing.

- RedRaven

this looks like a great storyline, i hope you continue on with it