Young Writers Society

It’s been fifty years now, since James left. He was a wise man, like he had live for centuries, but yet he was only about forty. He had introduced me to people like Hester Halloway, the “metaphorical” (as James had called it) lady.
But we don’t live for ever, so I am about to tell you the story how I met James and how he changed my life.



I leapt onto my bed and let out a long sigh. Another day, full of blood and clashes of metal. The war had changed many people lives, but ended many more. Everyone had to live in fear of being raided the next day.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten, jumped back up and raced to the window. I saw it again. It was true. A man in a perfectly neat suit was crawling out of a crater. Unless I was going crazy, a bomb had just dropped there (a very small bomb at that)! Nobody could just walk out of a bomb crater, it was just impossible!

Then the man turned to face me, his mysterious eyes meeting mine. I was entranced by them; I didn’t notice that he had started walking towards the house. The man smiled and took of a hat that lay slightly lopsided on his head.

He rapped on the door five times, five times. Sensing I should wake my parents, I bolted to my bedroom door and leaped backwards once I had opened it, for there stood the man from the crater.

“Who are you?” I didn’t feel to scared, he seemed to have one of those friendly faces.

“My name is James Brookland, and I’ve come to help you save the world.”

It's a bit short to say the least. I suppose you will be uploading more soon?

Nats wrote:It’s been fifty years now[s],[/s] since James left. He was a wise man, like he had live for centuries, [s]but[/s] yet he was only about forty. He had introduced me to people like Hester Halloway, the “metaphorical” (as James had called it) lady.
But we don’t live for ever, so I am about to tell you the story how I met James and how he changed my life.

We don't live forever so that's why they're telling us how they met James and how he changed their life? Picture me confused.

I leapt onto my bed and let out a long sigh. Another day, full of blood and clashes of metal. The war had changed many people lives, but ended many more. Everyone [s]had to[/s] lived in fear of being raided [s]the next day[/s].

They don't have to live in fear.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten, jumped back up and raced to the window. I saw it again. It was true. A man in a perfectly neat suit was crawling out of a crater. Unless I was going crazy, a bomb had just dropped there (a very small bomb at that)! Nobody could just walk out of a bomb crater, it was [s]just[/s] impossible!

I'm not sure about this: the whole counting to ten and jumping back up bit? It's just a bit random and unnecessary. Forgive me for not knowing anything about bombs but 'a very small bomb at that'? Huh? What's that got to do with anything? Wouldn't a bigger bomb be even worse anyway?

Then the man turned to face me, his mysterious eyes meeting mine. I was entranced by them; I didn’t notice that he had started walking towards the house. The man smiled and took of [s]a[/s] his hat that [s]lay[/s] sat slightly lopsided on his head.

He rapped on the door five times, five times. Sensing I should wake my parents, I bolted to my bedroom door and leaped backwards once I had opened it, for there stood the man from the crater.

He rapped on the door twenty five times?

“Who are you?” I didn’t feel too scared[s],[/s]; he seemed to have one of those friendly faces. Friendly faces mean nothing. In fact, they're the one's you should watch out for. Try something like he had a calming aura about him. Unless you're trying to show some sort of naivety or trusting nature the MC has?

“My name is James Brookland.[s], and[/s] I’ve come to help you save the world.”

Love the last line! You don't have to make my change I just think it sounds better.

Righto, I've not got much else to say. It's a semi-good start. I just feel like we've been flung in at the deep end but there is nothing wrong with that. I think the ending is especially effective since I want to know what he's on about! It's always good to get your readers wanting more.

I can't wait to read your next chapter. PM me if you want.

Hey there, welcome to YWS

I agree with Antares about most things - this is kind of short and pretty confusing, so I think you should work on cleaning it up a bit.

Your first paragraph does not seem connected to the rest. Who was the metaphorical lady and why is she important? I don't think you should introduce her to the narrative right now, because it just makes a muddle for the reader. What does living forever have to do with being told a story? You need to make this connection clear.

Your main character seems very blase about the war. I think you should work some more emotion into the piece, talk about how he feels as well as what he sees and thinks. Some description would be nice too. What does James look like? Where are they? How does it feel, taste, smell, sound? Use as many senses as you can to connect the reader with their fictional surroundings.

Other than that, I think this could use a bit of fleshing out in the sense that I'm not really getting a solid feeling of where we are and who we're talking about and why. You need to set the scene a bit more if you're going to hook your reader. I'm still looking forward to reading what happens next though

Happy editing!

Cheers,
~bubbles