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Ancient Lies (Chapter one, part one)



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Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:58 am
Sela Locke says...



It was a quiet night in the huge, lush forest, and only a solitary owl hooted;
only a few insects scuttled through the deep foliage.

A spider seemed to be having some sort of conference with a baby bird in a neighboring tree, but whatever argument they were going at, it seemed clear that wing was beating web, and the arachnid was furious. But soon even these two were asleep, and so were entirely oblivious of the crashing and talking that began to pierce through the quiet like sunbeam through heavy fog.

“Oh, shut up! You know I’d win, Mr. Donlec! Besides, what kind of name is Drake? Huh, I’d rather be called Mr. Stupid-face!”

“Really? Then I shall call you that, Miss Sela! What species of doofius idioticus names someone that?”
The laughing continued, and such a ruckus the old forest had not heard in many years.

“Hey, you’d better not insult the almighty Kayo! He’ll get even, and you of all people should know that.”
The voice that shouted this last taunt was definitely feminine. There was a tingle to her laugh, and yet a darkness in her voice as she said ‘Kayo’. It sounded much alike to the way one would utter a curse, and seemed like something she did not relish saying in the least.

“Master Lucient would certainly take care of you nicely if he knew about the things you say behind his back.”
This second voice was male, but it also had an odd undertone when it spoke of ‘Master Lucient’. One might wonder as to who earned the grudging fear of the two.

“Low blow, low blow! How dare you, nasty little rat!”

There was a loud smack, and a curse, followed by some not altogether kind language.

“We’re almost there, stupid. Speed up!” called the man’s voice, and then came more rustling, followed by a high pitched squeal.

“Ooh, you sounded way too much like Rick there. That is one person you do not want to model yourself after.”

“Hypocrite in the stands! Low blows come from every direction when you’re about!”

There was an almost silent tussle, and then the feminine voice, tinged with disappointed defeat, saw something up ahead.

“There it is! There it is! First there gets to check for olashmeis!” she shouted excitedly.

More loud rustles followed, and then a crash as they broke through the last of the underbrush, gasping for breath.

In their race to get there, neither heard or saw the shadow that followed them, nor the fanged smile that glinted through the trees.

*

“They are located, sir. Left wood, on the Anacren coast, sir. Are you going after them, sir?”

The boy who had spoken, perhaps in his early teens, cast a worried glance at the cloaked figure before him.

“That’s none of your business, stupid. Get back to work, and make sure you watch them very carefully. How many hundreds of idiots do I need to rid myself of to make these simple orders clear?”

The boy gulped visibly, shaking his head.

“N-no sir! I me- mean, yes sir… I-I shall keep b-both eyes on them, pr-providing th-they don’t… misplace themselves.”

He nodded emphatically, black hair falling into his grey-green eyes.

“Yes, that will do, Olpin. Oh, and contact Joysuhn. He’ll want to bring his little whore back to the Domain. Tell him to meet me in the Left woods, and be quick about it.”

Still nodding like a bobble-head, the boy went back to his work, watching from the corner of his eye as the green-cloaked figure swept out, a grim smile on it’s face.

“I certainly wouldn’t want to be Miss Locke or Master Donlec when he ‘re-acquires’ them.”

*

The small clearing the two young people had found was large, but buried deeply in the heart of the forest, making it quite easy for them to relax.

“Stop pulling my hair, Drake! Wait, don’t tell me. You hate… blonde… hair. Gosh, what the hell is wrong with it?”

She shook her head, but her blue-grey eyes twinkled mischievously.

“Well,” said Drake thoughtfully, “it’s rather… dirty, if you take my meaning. Just ‘cause it’s all… curly, doesn’t make it model-y. And you just… wear it wrong.”

He looked at the grassy floor mournfully, like he was grieving for a lost friend, and then turned to face Sela as she spoke.

“Then, how do I wear it, Sir Man Model?”

She smiled, her teeth glimmering oddly in the cold moonlight.

“Like this, missus ma’am.”

Drake strutted around, face flung up towards the starry sky, hips swaying, his shaggy, dark brown hair flying in every direction as he waved his head about.

“That should tire me out me out before I walk out the door in the morning, you egotistical fish.”
She laughed, a half-squeal, half-snort.

“What was that, and how can fishes be egotistical?”

Standing up, Sela stretched languidly, turning her pale face to look at the smiling man.

“It all works like this. One fish will swim up to another, and compliment him on his glittery scales, then-”

The woman was interrupted as two small children strolled into the clearing - both were little boys; one was probably four, the other eight.

“Hullo there! I’m glad someone else’s here - I’s beginnin’ to worry, bein’ with my little bro here. We lost our parents… you haven’t seen them, have ya?”
The older of the two smiled innocently at Sela and Drake.

If anyone had been watching carefully, they would’ve almost seen the aura of something other than childish innocence in them… there was something wrong with the way the kids smiled almost hungrily at the adults in the clearing. Yet they simply stood in the soft grass, both looking slightly intoxicated.

Sela smiled vaguely back, and then the smaller of the two children shook his head, saying, “But I dun’ buleeve we haff introdooc’d usselves, ma’am and sir! We beez Joyan and Lucirk. What be yewr names?” He smiled sweetly. So sweetly it seemed very familiar to Sela, but the worry that had begun to creep upon her features fled, chased away by something almost… unnameable.

“Well, uhm…” Sela turned to Drake questioningly, but he inclined his head, urging her on, and so she continued. “I’m Ann, and he,” she gestured towards the amused man, “is Tommy. We were taking a walk, and didn’t expect to see someone else here…”

She smiled sadly at the two boys, and then Drake cut in, fidgeting meaningfully towards Sela.

“But boys! Surely they only lost you for a second. Hmmm… do you know if they brought a cell phone?”

There was a pause; a cricket chirped in the distance but was soon silenced by an owl swooping down on it, a soft hoot floating through the thick foliage. The nearby stream babbled merrily, ignoring the odd meeting so close by.

Then Lucirk shook his red head, looking quite worried.

“No, sirz. They don’t likes them cells. Too ‘spensive.”

Drake frowned, annoyed by something that seemed to escape Sela.

“By the way, have either of you seen some odd… people around here?”

The same intoxicated look that had shrouded Sela’s face filled Drake’s, and he smiled drunkenly.

A twig snapped in the distance, and yet no one jumped or turned to see who might be lurking in the forest. Quiet reigned again as the two little boys frowned, trying to remember any odd sightings. Then the older boy, Lucirk, spoke up.

“Well, sir, I think I saw something sorta odd… What was it, Jo?”

He turned to the younger boy, frowning.

“Yuss… I buleeve it were… us?”

A less-than innocent smile slithered across Joyan’s face, and Lucirk began to growl.

Something began to happen to the older boy, something that filled both adults with fear. His eyes changed from green to an odd mix of red and black; or rather, red or black. Because they never stated stationary, as any respectable eyes would. They tinted and flashed, swirled and spun, fading slowly from a bloody red to an onyx black, and then brightening back into red.

He grew from four to six-and-a-half feet, and a black cloak fell onto his shoulders, wrapping around the read tunic that had replaced his jeans and t-shirt. His fingernails curved into long, bloody claws, and hair began to cover his entire body. Jet-black, blood-splattered fur. His face elongated, turning quite wolf-like. Teeth grew to fangs, and two pointed ears sprouted from the top of his head. He was a talking, walking wolf; and the kind you would be very blessed to never meet.

The younger boy had transformed into something quite different. He had fangs and claws, and two furry ears sprouted from his head, but he didn’t seem to shout, I’ll kill you slowly and painfully if you do not obey me to the letter. He had golden-white fur, and he wore a blue tunic, yet his was not blood-splattered, nor was his green cloak, or even his claws. He looked quite cultured and gentleman-like, if you didn’t notice his ear, pelt, and claws.
His eyes were much like the wolf’s, yet his flowed much slower, and the irises were emerald and sapphire. They twinkled pleasantly, and when you looked directly into them they calmed you, made you want to simply lean up against him and fall asleep. The only thing that seemed to warn away from the odd fox was Sela’s reaction to him. Her eyes narrowed slowly, and she drew back, shivering.

Lucirk snarled at Sela and Drake, who were smiling dazedly as though the two animals before them were still a couple of innocent children.

Joyan laughed softly, watching the two adult’s dazed looks with twinkling eyes.

“Pardon me, my dear Rick, but I believe you overdid it slightly. I’m supposing they don’t even remember us, let alone know what we’re doing here. Isn’t it always more fun when they’re acting consciously?”

The wolf sighed, looking like a child whose mother had just ruined his fun, and then lazily waved his paw in the air, muttering something inaudibly. Sela and Drake stopped smiling as though they were intoxicated, and the woman stumbled even further back, expression not unlike a trapped animal’s. She whispered something to Drake, but he shook his head, turning back to the two formerly-children.

Raising his eyebrows slowly, the dark-haired man didn’t seem worried at all that the bloody wolf standing before them looked like he would love to kill both he and Sela at that very moment.

“Hello, master Rick. I didn’t know this was your favorite place to walk, too! Then again, wolves have the oddest habits, and seem to change them quite erratically.”

He chuckled, watching amusedly as the wolf’s eyes burned menacingly.

Sela paused for a moment, the spoke.

“Drake, you might have hit on something there. One day he throws you out the window, and the next he’s all: ‘If you kidnap so-and-so I won’t rake my claws down your back until you bleed to death.’ See the difference there?”

She smiled, but there was ill-concealed fear in her eyes.

If either of the two animals were annoyed by this, they didn’t show it. Joyan glanced idly at his right paw, flexing his claws.

“I see no reason for anyone to insult anyone else. As long as you come with us, there won’t have to be any unpleasant… quarrels.” He dropped the inspected paw, staring pointedly at Sela.

“And yet you look worried. Say, am I allowed to call you Kayo now? I’m really sick of having to say Arye Joysuhn all the time… Oh, and Rick?” she turned to the other animal, malice filling her eyes. “We can go outside if we want to. As any sensible person knows, you simply can’t keep us cooped up forever.”

The wolf’s eyes glittered, and he smiled, fangs glinting unnaturally in the pale moonlight.

“Oh, but we can, little fish. At least, we can keep you apart. You see, there have been some odd rumors going around…”

Sela cursed, moving closer to Drake. “Eitrichno klisme! It must’ve been…”

She trailed off, not intending to say more.

Lucirk snarled, “Tell us now or suffer later, Ishnek. Names are not so important, are they?”

Sela snorted, her eyes filled with hatred.

“You would know, wouldn’t you? All you care about is seeing others in pain and causing it as much as you can. You’re hardly better than a normal animal.”

Another pause filled the clearing with a tense mist, and a mouse squealed to Sela’s right, lost in the dense underbrush.

Joyan turned to Rick, still nonchalant. “You know, I doubt this environment is a good place for questioning, but we can’t bring them back all by ourselves, can we?”

He nearly shouted the last few words, and more twigs snapped, a rustling nearing the clearing.

Suddenly, ten or fifteen assorted foxes and wolves moved from the underbrush on all fours, panting loudly.

“Ah, just what we needed. Olgren!”

A point of bright red light shot through the dense wood, coming from one of Rick’s claws, and a brown-pelted wolf slid out of the trees at the signal, an odd-looking brand behind his left ear.

Drake tensed as he caught sight of the wolf, and he looked as if he would quite like to strangle the animal. He began to speak quickly in an unfamiliar language. “Oswey okrani siklet, jisolp. Efrenst oltrint?”

The wolf laughed coarsely, his eyes laden with a similar hate.

Eshten polfin. Cntiri Dikisteli phetyic.”

Olgren watched passively as the other animals began to trot towards the hapless teens, their tongues lolling out hungrily.

“They will tear you apart if you don’t come quietly, children.” Rick looked Drake and Sela over, advancing slowly. “Little fish, we haven’t been able to enjoy each other’s company in so long.”

Suddenly, he gripped Sela’s shoulder, dragging his claws down her arm. A cruel smile played across his face, watching happily as the blood began to roll down her pale skin.

“Of… that… Lucient… I am quite… grateful!” she tried to pull away, but he had reached her hand, and his paw wrapped around her slim wrist, holding firm.

Joysuhn, come. We have things to do, and neither of us have any time to waste.”

He shoved Sela into Kayo’s arms, and then kicked Drake to the ground, setting a boot firmly on his victim’s back. The fox disappeared with a burst of emerald light, leaving a faint scent of salty sea air.

Rick rapped out an order in the odd, ancient language, and then he too vanished with his captive, the explosion of red light he left behind smelling of blood.

The wolves and foxes that had gathered wandered glumly into the forest again, and Olgren settled himself in the clearing. He shook his brown head, grey eyes slowly losing their fiery glow.

“Enn zere zey goez agen.”




----------

I wrote this a few months ago, and decided to see what people thought. Please review! Criticism graciously accepted. ^^
Last edited by Sela Locke on Mon May 05, 2008 4:19 am, edited 11 times in total.
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  





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Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:02 am
Sela Locke says...



Oops, someone will probably move it to fantasy. -makes face-
It's set in the real world, but considering there are two walking, (on two feet) talking animals, I suppose it might be better in fantasy/fiction. xD
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  





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Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:38 am
ChernobyllyInclined says...



*dramatic music* The prologue to an epic that will sweep the nation! Unfortunately, causing great harm to its younger inhabitants.

Yay. You put it on like I told you to.

I much like it. If you can keep it as consistent as this, and make longer scenes, you should be fine. Here are a few things that I noticed needed fixing: The first thing was the way the kids talk one way at first and then next they talk like dibbins. Not sure if that was purposeful or not. The next thing was a run-on sentence - "The problem was, he obviously wasn’t human, because he flickered like a flame, and suddenly was, in the blink of an eye, a towering jet black wolf, with long, curving fangs, and eyes that were red, and then black, and then red again." Make this into two sentences, its too long. The last thing was when Sela makes that funny comment about fries to go. Its super funny, but if this scene is meant to be dramatic (which I think it is) you should probably cut it out. It interrupts the flow of the story, even though its still a funny line.

The paragraphs still aren't perfectly spaced yet. ALL of the dialogue needs to be in different paragraphs. Unless its the same person talking.

Keep editing and make certain to focus on one topic at a time. Slow down the story. Go back in time to Sela and Drakes past and talk in more detail about Rick and Kayos origin. Not all at once, of course, but make sure it gets in there.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."
  





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Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:41 am
Sela Locke says...



-Very deep voice-
I will, Nan, I will.
Okay, definitely not the nation. Maybe, the backyard?
Yes, I'll look through it.

SAYLUHH.

P.S. Oh, wait. Dibbun, not dibbin. Also, Joyan/Kayo speaks like a dibbun, but Lucirk/Rick, doesn't.
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  





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Wed Apr 16, 2008 7:34 am
Poor Imp says...



'Lo Sela! ^_^


Oy, you know I've told you your writing is good--more, I suppose, it has a storyteller's sense about it, and an un-self-conscious sort of directness. You've an aptitude for putting words where they fit.

You've also a tendency--at times--to be a bit circuitous or verbose.

In all honesty, it doesn't show up too noticeably in this. But a few notes, all the same...


Two figures, in their twenties by their looks, wandered quietly into it, the soft moonlight flowing onto them like a living thing.


In this, you're introducing Drake and Sela(?). But you begin on an entirely vague "figures" and an with rather more specificity by saying "in their twenties". Either stick to the obscure, and don't immediately say much more definitive about them, or perhaps write "boy and girl" rather than "figures".

The younger one[s], around nineteen, looked up at [s] the twenty-two year old[s] her friend(?), whispering worriedly.


As there's not much of a difference between nineteen and twenty-one or so (beyond the law in the States about, er, drinking), you could probably drop the age-numbers entirely. Naturally, saying younger implies the other is older, yes?

“Drake, I... I don’t know about this. What if they find out? What if all our friends are killed?” She was clearly frightened, and shivered, not
simply because it was cold.

Drake looked down at her, and smiled, like an older brother, wanting to comfort her.

“Sela, Sela. We know what we’re doing, don’t we? They’ll never find us here. We’ll be safe until we can get to Ochernia.”


First, simply a question: Would you speak the way Sela does, feeling worried and talking to a friend?

I'm fond of the way Sela and Drake relate to each other--even in this brief scrap of your story. ^_^


Why, hello there, Miss and Sir! We’re lost. I don’t suppose you’ve seen our parents anywhere around here?” the older of the two smiled innocently at Sela and Drake.


Drake and Sela don't find it odd then, that a little boy is so polite and speaks sans contractions? I very much like the way you portray these rather less than savoury fellows as children, and charming. But I think you might make it even more believable, as well as eerie, if they speak a little more in the vernacular.

Perhaps a bit like this--
"...'Lo there, Miss. We're lost... I don't guess/spose you've seen our mum? She was just here..."


Ah, I can imagine him perhaps sounding slightly off, if you mean for it to be hinted at that he's speaking not quite like a child ought to.

If anyone had been watching carefully, they would have almost seen the aura of something other than childish innocence in them, [s]as if there was[/s] something wrong with the way they smiled almost hungrily at the two other people in the clearing. And Sela and Drake would have too, if they hadn’t been so worried


Perhaps make "would"--"might". I've struck the rather extraneous "as if..."--'tis extra wording. ^_^

“…But I don’t burleeve we haff introdooc’d usselves, ma’am and sir! We be Joyan and Lucirk. What be yew namez?” he smiled sweetly. So sweetly it seemed very familiar to Sela. She frowned slightly, but the worry quickly disappeared from her face, as if brushed away by an invisible hand.


Ha, the dibbun-speech is hilarious--again, I'm not quite sure it fits, if this is at all contemporary. Somehow, it seems contextually misplaced. But I don't believe it necassarily ought to be struck--rather, it might need some working into the narrative. As it is, it jumps out, startling.

For example...

She frowned slightly, but the worry quickly disappeared from her face, as if brushed away by an invisible hand.


...in Sela's disquiet here, you might let it also be over the affect of the two children, which would make it less odd to the reader.


Beyond Textual Analysis and All That... Narrative Flow[!]


Oy, as I said, you've a knack, and a storyteller's voice, you know. ^_^

But as you get to the point where Sela and Drake lose their sense--and wills--you begin to rush a bit.

Slow down and describe things. Give the reader some sense of the sounds in the clearing, beyond the children's voices. What is the light like? Usually, a forest is rather loud--bird song; insects; perhaps a wind above the trees. Does it all quiet when the "children" begin acting like not-children? Does it become louder?

If you slow down, you'll give the reader a moment to breathe. It will be all the more startling, more effective then, when the boy growls--and when things entirely fall apart. ^_^


Keep writing, Sela--and though I'm a ridiculously, er, inept example, don't be hard on yourself, yes? You're an excellent writer, and you've something like eight years less experience than I have, so don't dash off comparing.




IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
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Wed Apr 16, 2008 10:31 pm
Sela Locke says...



Ooh, thanks Smi!

Yups, this could use some work. I wrote it something like a year ago, and then fixed it up a tad in... December? Or was it January? Whatever. Anyways, yeah, when I get the time, I'll fix it up.... more. xD

Well, Rick never was a very good actor, so he's quite clear in what he says. I'll add more detail though, definitely.

I s'pose Joyan could ease up on the dibbun-ness, since he's supposed to be five-six, but it's just so cute! xD

Thankies for the critique. I'll probably add za next part tonight. ^^

-Selaaaaaaa
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  





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Tue Apr 22, 2008 9:43 pm
Sela Locke says...



Okay, it's edited. I need opinions, opinions!!

Also, please read the first part first, and not the next part. It's confusing if you don't, so just... do! ^^
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  





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Wed Apr 23, 2008 7:17 am
Poor Imp says...



Just briefly--

The transitions from dibbun's innocence to ill, is a bloody lot smoother, and more eerie. No doubt the language the two use is also more smooth. ^_^ Both in dibbun-speech assists the consistency.

And the place is a bit more real, with some of the detail you've added. Er, I'll get a bit more in depth, with luck, sooner rather than later.







IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander
  





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Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:13 pm
Sela Locke says...



Thankies, Smi. Hey, without you guys, it would still be... bleh. :D

-Sela

Yes, yes, more critic-ness! ^^
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  





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Wed Apr 30, 2008 10:17 pm
JabberHut says...



Hello! :)

Grammar and First Impressions

A small clearing in a very large and almost uninhabited woods stood quiet and still. Two figures wandered quietly into it, the soft moonlight flowing onto them like a living thing.


First paragraph, first nit-picks. :D

First sentence: A small clearing...stood quiet and still. A clearing stood. A clearing stood still. A clearing stood quiet? That doesn't really connect for me. The clearing was quiet. Nature was still, the wind undetectable. I dunno; reword, though. ^^

Second sentence: Flowing onto them is awkward. Two figures wandered into the quiet clearing, illuminated by the soft glow of the moon.

She was clearly frightened, [no comma] and shivered, [dash instead] not simply because it was cold.


There's no real reason for a comma in the second instance. And the first comma -- there's no subject on the other side of and. :) Two independent clauses on either side of a Fanboy to have a comma. ^^

Quite suddenly, two small children strolled into the clearing, chatting animatedly to each other. Both were little boys, [dash instead] one was probably four, the other eight.


You can easily join these two sentences together. At that moment, two little boys stumbled into the clearing -- one about four, the other eight -- chatting animatedly to each other.

“Hullo there! I’m glad someone else’s here, [semi, period, dash instead] I’s beginnin’ to worry, bein’ with my little bro' here. We lost our parents… [s]you[/s] Your haven’t seen them, have ya?” the older of the two smiled innocently at Sela and Drake.


The reason for the choice between a semi-colon, period, and dash in that spot is because it basically depends on your style and how you're trying to say it. A comma does not belong, though. Commas can't join two independent clauses without a Fanboy (and, but, etc.)

[s]there[/s] There was something wrong with the way [s]they[/s] the kids smiled [s]almost[/s] hungrily at the two [s]other people[/s] adults in the clearing. And Sela and Drake might’ve too, if they hadn’t been so worried.


You either smile hungrily, or you don't. ^^

The noun replacements are up to you, but I myself got mixed up in all the pronouns and shtuff. I'm known for that, though. :lol:

And the sentence starting with and (ironic, I know) can be avoided. Grammatically, it's not really allowed unless it's the author's style. It's up to you, though. ^^

As it was, they smiled vaguely back, and then the smaller of the two children shook his head [s]slightly[/s], saying, “… [No ellipses] But I don’t buleeve we haff introdooc’d usselves, ma’am and sir! We beez Joyan and Lucirk. What be your names?” [s]he[/s] He smiled sweetly. So sweetly, it seemed very familiar to Sela, but the worry that had begun to creep upon her features fled, chased away by something almost… [s]unnamable[/s] unnameable.


No ellipses since he's starting a new sentence. ^^

Be careful with your youngest kid. He's four, right? Make him believable. :D It seemed a tad unrealistic to me to see a four-year-old boy use his manners and look like an angel. :lol:

The older duo both smiled, almost stupidly, and Sela said, “Well, I’m Sela Locke, and this is Drake Donlec.” The younger of the two children giggled quietly, almost malevolently…


I hate introducing characters. T_T It's one of my irritations when it comes to writing. How do I introduce my characters to each other and make it believable and enjoyable at the same time? In this instance, it was unattractive.

The older duo smiled stupidly. "Well, I'm Sela Locke; this, here, is Drake Donlec." Sela's eyes landed on the younger boy at the sound of his malevolent giggle -- Who were these kids?

I'd probably risk saying no tag here. That's probably what's slowing it down and making it uninteresting -- 'cause I have to read 'he said/she said'.

There was a pause… [semi or dash instead] a cricket chirped in the distance, [no comma] [s]and then[/s] but was soon silenced [s]as[/s] by an owl [s]swooped[/s] swooping down on it, [no comma] and hooting softly.


“And I, too, have not seen them. By the way, have either of you seen some odd… people around here?” Drake chuckled, [s]seemingly finding something amusing about his odd phrasing[/s] seeming to find his odd phrasing amusing.


A twig snapped in the distance, but no one jumped or turned to see who might be lurking in the forest, and the quiet continued, as the two little boys frowned, trying to remember any odd sightings.


Run-on sentence! :D

A twig snapped in the distance, but no one turned to see who may be lurking behind them. The quiet continued as the boys frowned, deep in thought.

How's that for starters?

“Well, [s]Sir[/s] sir, I think I saw something sorta odd… [s]what[/s] What was it, Jo?” [s]he[/s] He turned to the younger boy, frowning.


“Ooh. I buleeve it were… us?” [s]a[/s] A less-than innocent smile slithered across Joyan’s face, and Lucirk began to growl. It wasn’t a sound a child should make. [dash instead maybe?] It wasn’t a sound anyone should make. The problem was, [no comma] that he obviously wasn’t human, [no comma] because he flickered like a flame, [no comma] and [s]suddenly was, in the blink of an eye,[/s] was suddenly a towering jet-black wolf, [no comma] with long, [no comma] curving fangs, [no comma] and eyes that [s]were red, and then black, and then red again[/s] faded red to black then red again. [s]But they didn’t just change abruptly. They flowed back and forth, swirling darker until they were black, then lighter until they were red again.


You describe his eyes for a long time, but would faded just work by itself? Or try something along the lines of this:

The problem was that he wasn't human. He flickered like a flame and was suddenly a towering jet-black wolf. His teeth slowly grew into long curving fangs, but his eyes were even stranger: They were red at first, but then the color faded darker and darker until it was an onyx-black, soon after lightening into a ruby-red again and repeating the cycle over and over.

His claws were long, [no comma] and razor-sharp, fresh blood dripped from the tips, [semi or period instead] [s]and[/s] he sneered, shifting from foot to foot impatiently.


Why is this its own paragraph? In fact, put the description of the wolf in its own paragraph because, first off, this should be joined with the previous one; however, that would make the paragraph fairly long, so we must split it.

Standing next to the terrifying wolf, the fox who had called himself Joyan looked almost harmless, yet Sela narrowed her eyes, shuddering as she eyed him distastefully.


Another run-on. ^_^

His eyes flowed slowly back and forth from green to blue, green to blue. He smiled at Sela and Drake, [no comma] as though to say, ‘Come closer, I won’t hurt you...’ His golden-and-white pelt shone in the moonlight, and hidden under the short, [no comma] velvet blue cloak he wore hung a small dagger.


Italics: Rephrase this. His eyes were just like Lucirk's; they faded from green to blue in the same slow and hypnotizing way.

Underlined: Too many adjectives in front of cloak. There are other ways to smooth the description of the cloak into your writing rather than shoving it into the reader's brain. :lol: Reduce the number to maybe two adjectives at most.

Lucirk snarled at Sela and Drake, who were smiling dazedly, [no comma] as though the two animals before them were still two innocent children.


“Pardon me, but I believe you overdid it a bit.


Sela and Drake stopped smiling as though they were intoxicated, and Drake raised his eyebrows slowly, [no comma] as though not worried at all that Rick looked as though he would love to kill both he and Sela at that very moment.


Another run-on sentence, or at least freakishly long. :lol: And who's Rick? You never mentioned a Rick. If you did, I quickly forgot about that. Reword this. :)

Sela seemed slightly more worried than Drake, but she also commented,

“Oh, probably not. After all, they wouldn’t have half the Teskytes they have now if it weren’t for our hard work.”


Why is this separated again? :wink:

Sela cursed, moving closer to Drake, [period instead] “Eitrichno klisme! It must’ve been…” [s]but she[/s] She trailed off, not intending to say more.


By the way, you lost me around here because of the lack of tags.

“You would know, wouldn’t you, Rick? All you care about is seeing others in pain, [no comma] and causing it as much as you can. You’re hardly better than a normal animal.”


Joyan turned to Rick, still nonchalant, [period instead] “You know, I doubt this environment is a good place for questioning. [comma instead] But we can’t bring them back all by ourselves, can we?” [s]he[/s] He nearly shouted the last few words, and more twigs snapped, a rustling nearing the clearing.


“Ah, just what we needed. Olgren!” [s]a[/s] A point of bright red light shot through the dense wood, coming from one of Rick’s claws, and a brown-pelted wolf slithered out of the trees at the signal, an odd-looking brand behind his left ear.


Wolves don't slither. Snakes do. :P And how can they see the brand behind the ear if the wolf appeared in front of them?

He began to speak quickly in an unfamiliar language, [period instead] “Oswey okrani siklet, jisolp. Efrenst oltrint?” [s]the[/s] The wolf laughed coarsely, his eyes laden with a similar hate.


The wolves and foxes that had gathered wandered glumly into the forest again, [no comma] as Olgren settled himself in the clearing.


Paragraphing

One idea per paragraph. If you start a new idea, you start a new paragraph. I mentioned that earlier when you described the wolf. Make sure the breaks between paragraphs make sense. I didn't find this a huge problem, but I did catch it once or twice. :)

Description

You know how to describe. I know you do. I read your wolf transformation paragraph; that was probably the best description in the passage. With the forest clearing, you can describe sounds, weather [breeze, humidity, etc.], rodents/animals, fresh from rain or dry and in need of rain, etc.

You can also tie in descriptions of your characters. I didn't really know how the teens looked like (I didn't even know they were teens!), and maybe the kids have freckles or something. There are ways to pick out children from dwarves/midgets.

Character Development

I didn't attach to anyone in this passage. They were just random people here. I didn't know if Sela was stern or if Drake was playful. I didn't know if Rick or whoever he is was stubborn or if Joyan was literally stupid. I didn't know, and I can't say at this point what to expect. Who are the main characters? Who should I cheer for? Which leads to...

Plot

Dun, dun, duuun! I didn't know what was really going on either. To sum things up, though, the teens were walking in the forest and these two killer-kids turn up. The teens were saved by the usual wise leader of the pack. T_T

But why? Why were they there? What were the teens doing there? Why in the forest/clearing? Why just the two teens and not their school friends too? Why Rick and Joyan? I'm very confused. :?

Overall

It can use some work, but it's a good start. :) I hope I helped you somewhat, and I'd be happy to help you some more. Just contact me whenever you need me!

Keep writing!

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Thu May 01, 2008 4:26 am
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Sela Locke says...



Okay, before anything else, thank you for reviewing! No one seems to enjoy my stories enough to give advice, at least not often. :(

Quiet and still.... hmmm. I honestly couldn't see how that wouldn't connect. 0_0 How come it couldn't be quiet? Don't you ever take a walk in the woods, and all stands quiet and still? No wind, so still. No creatures anywhere nearby, so quiet.
But yeah, I'll consider rephrasing.

Second sentence, ooh, me likey your take on it. Yes, I'll probably rephrase. :D (although I don't really see what's wrong with a metaphor-type thing.:))

Dash and no comma? Got. FRANK YAH. :wink:

Your haven’t seen them


Why 'your'? I don't see how that makes sense. :x

I don't really see how 'almost hungrily' doesn't make sense either... why can't you smile 'almost hungrily'? It just means (at least to me) that it could be interpreted, (if one was paying attention) as a hungry smile. :D
I get the rest of the stuff at the small point there, so... Okie dokie. :D

Angel? :o I wouldn't call it angelic, but I get your point. It's supposed to be a hint, something to make the reader think, 'huh?'.

-gets all the punctuation stuff-

Moving on! Let's see... I really like the way you put that description sentence. I won't use it, because it feels like I'm taking someone else's writing, but I will your sentence as a guideline. :D (If I change it, that is.)

And who's Rick? You never mentioned a Rick. If you did, I quickly forgot about that. Reword this.


Ooh, did I miss that? I must've forgotten to re-add Jo calling Lucirk by his real name... Hmm, yes, I shall attend to it. :D

Wolves don't slither. Snakes do. And how can they see the brand behind the ear if the wolf appeared in front of them?


To me, it's simply a way to put it. I don't mean literally slithering, just sort of, sliding out of the trees, in a... stealthy fashion, if you take my meaning.
And also, I'm not precisely going from their POVs, I'm more... narrating, if you see what I mean, like someone that's watching, but isn't really... there. Y'know?

All I noticed (that seemed odd) at the end (of your review) was 'plot'. I think you may have missed a little bit here. It's supposed to be vague and mysterious. You're not really supposed to know precisely who everyone is, or who's good or bad, but I hoped (by seeing the fresh blood on Rick's claws, and also the way he treated Sela) you could understand that the two animals were bad, or at least Rick.
However, I see you have a lot here I could definitely benefit from, and I profusely thank you for reviewing. You REALLLY helped.
Also, if it's not too much work, could you find some time to read (and maybe review) the following chapters?

Thanks again, SOOOOOOOOOO much,
-Sela

P.S. The confusing plot will straighten out if you read more. ^^
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  





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Mon May 05, 2008 7:04 pm
ChernobyllyInclined says...



This was truly fantastically better. I did not expect this great of an improvement with as little time as you had. The characters are MUCH better developed, the dialogue is MUCH more intriguing - and amusing - and the overall construction is very good.

I did see a few technicalities that could be easily fixed so lets start with that...

It was a quiet night in the huge, lush forest, and only a solitary owl hooted;
only a few insects scuttled through the deep foliage.

You repeated 'only' here. Also I think you could entirely change this sentence to make it a better beginning. For example...'Trees gathered in a silent army; their comforting stillness only interrupted by the hoot of a solitary owl.' Not exactly like that, of course, but something slightly more grabbing.

But soon even these two were asleep, and so were entirely oblivious of the crashing and talking that began to pierce through the quiet like sunbeam through heavy fog.

I like the way you put this. Its a good introduction to the dialogue that follows.

His fingernails curved into long, bloody claws, and hair began to cover his entire body. Jet-black, blood-splattered fur.

Put a sem-colon between 'body' and 'jet-black'. Otheriwse you have a fragment.

Her eyes narrowed slowly, and she drew back, shivering.

This seems contradictory because in the next paragraph you describe her as 'smiling dazedly'. Either get rid of the part where she looks scared or show the change between scared and dazed.

I think thats pretty much it. The grammar and punctuation was better and I'm sure someone else will catch whatever I missed...

Probably the main, coolest, best part of this would be the fact that you were able to slow down. You showed Drake and Sela together instead of just having them imagining being together. And so, all in all, this is your best piece of writing yet. I still want to read more Keyli, though, so get on with that...
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."
  





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Tue May 06, 2008 12:59 am
Sela Locke says...



The 'only' is a purposeful repetition, but I might fix it. Other than that, I'll get going! (sometime. X_X)

Oh, and Keyli is not in a good place to show herself. At this very moment she is in -censor- clutches, entirely -censor-
And yes, those censors were ALSO purposeful.

I can't give it away, old chap. ^_^

-Sela
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  





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Thu May 08, 2008 11:52 pm
sylverdawn says...



This seems like a really good book, but it doesn't really feel like a beginning to me, the situation is too developed. Start from an earlier point maybe explain who they are and what they're running from and what those kid/wolf things are.

I like how you put emphasis on names and make it sound like they're important to the story. Personally I'd like to see how this whole thing pans out, but like I said, you should probably start at an earlier point. Great story so far though.
DANCE- Like no-one is watching
LOVE- Like you've never been hurt
SING- Like no-one is listening
LIVE- Like it's heaven on earth.

Please read and review my novel. The title is Fireborn. Here's the link.

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Tue May 20, 2008 11:41 pm
Sela Locke says...



Gosh, thanks!

And yes, I'm working on a prologue thing. ^^
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  








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